MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

I ended up PBF until 19 months! I had this for 18 of them. I never gave mine a bottle — we went straight to cups. We did occasionally use formula but otherwise not. You are right to be annoyed and fed up.

You are feeding YOUR baby; don’t be afraid of others’ opinions! If she has an issue with a breast being used for what it was made for, then that’s her problem, not yours or anyone else’s.

Keep on keeping on - you are keeping your baby alive in the best way possible. I too encountered ridicule, but they’re the idiots.My husband always fully supported me so any comments from MIL were ignored. Plus she wasn’t the mother of my child - I was.

Willing to bet she didn’t BF her children and is trying to deflect her decision onto you. Utterly ridiculous of course. Each woman should do what’s right for her and her baby, and DO NOT allow others to dictate.

Get one out and do it in front of her and then say you won't be needing a bottle 🤣 I dont like it when people do this...discourage breastfeeding so they can take the baby away from you. Ive been ebf my boy for 14 months now he didn't like expressed milk into a bottle. Ive never let anyone take him either. Do what's best for you and baby OP don't let her shame you or pressure you. X

Bottle refusing is definitely a thing! My youngest refused any bottle (tried everything because I was desperate to be able to leave him for more than couple of hours!), he also refused any kind of dummy and would only use my nipple as a pacifier! Honestly I tried every tip/technique going and nothing worked and I tried introduce a bottle around 3/4 weeks. I never had that issue with my older 2 either. As a result my youngest was breastfeeding till he was almost 2! However, although she is going about it very insensitively, I am guessing she is just desperate to babysit and have the baby overnight which is nice in a way I suppose.

Aww thank you. It was very much combi feeding. But easiest to pop them both on and tandem them, once they finally got their latch sorted. (They were a bit early.) Though I then developed an aversion, which makes you wamt to wrench them off and hurl them 😲, which I just had to feed through and eventually it just went away.

Respect to your friend who pumped, I pumped loads, but it didn't really work for me. It stimulated supply, but not much came out! Respect to your friend who bottle fed too. All that cleaning and sterilising, and making up what feels like hundreds of bottles.

There was always a baby, two babies or a pump on me 🤣.

Having flashbacks now. Newborn babies can be so hard. The poor OP, having to deal with a daft MIL while in the trenches.

I'm a midwife and have not only seen these types of comments a lot with grandmother's but also experienced them personally with my own mother. My youngest is 13 now and if he kicks off I'm often told it's because he was breastfed for too long! 🤦‍♀️ My grandmother actually asked me why I was breastfeeding because according to her... only poor people do that. Formula companies really have a lot to answer for, they basically took out a while generation. But I digress.

It's very frustrating and discouraging especially for a FTM. I think the best thing to do is just be direct. Say that you choosing to breastfeed is your choice, it's best for you and your family. But just because you made this choice does not mean it's a criticism of her parenting and really has nothing to do at all with her. Remind her that times have changed, we know more about the science and benefits and you've made your decision based on that. Remind her that back in her day car seats probably weren't a thing, but she would hardly be advising you not to put your baby in a car seat, say it's the same thing and that her comments are not helpful and quite upsetting. Say that you appreciate her help with the baby but when you want advice you will ask and in the meantime you will continue to listen to your midwife/health visitor/GP who are up to date with the latest evidence.

Can u not thanks-when she starts her useless advice- ( seen that on here! )
or “there we are then!”
You are doing fabulous! Its so hard establishing BF when its your first, you dont need anyone bleating away , knocking your confidence
My MIL drove me nuts when we had our first, he had an infection so we stayed in hospital for 10 days, the night shift midwife helped me to get started BF, will never forget her patience and skills.
My MIL would go on about getting his “wind” up , she’d be forever rocking him, slapping his back, i would have to say -give him back to me he's probably still hungry, she’d say-he cant be, you just fed him, as if you know how much milk he’d had
Funnily enough she wasn't that interested in our 2nd/3rd DC as babies-novelty worn off!
My DM was so lovely, very calm, would get me water/snacks, made me feel relaxed, no stress-miss her soo much
Keep doing what you want to do, try and ignore her.Silly ole moo she is!

Tell her that you only want the best for your baby and you’d hope she’d want the same!

Breastfeeding is the absolute best start you can give your baby if you're able to so well done for persevering and succeeding this far. If there is no advantage for you in bottle feeding then don't but the effort in. I managed 2y1m with my twins and they never had a bottle of anything so it's definitely not necessary and actually more work as you have to express, sterilise, plan rather than just whacking out a boob.

Also I'd hate to see your mil's reaction to me feeding both babies in a coffee shop alone. Keep going, you're doing amazingly and her opinion is not needed at all. Perhaps your mental should be "I'm not currently looking for opinions on what I do with my boobs"

Oh my god! Power to you for standing your ground! Women who put down other women... what a joke! Keep doing whatever feels comfortable to you and ignore the boomer opinions, you are absolutely right to be annoyed by the comments.

I would ask DH to have a word with his mother about her shitty behaviour. You don’t need this.

I breast fed till my son was as a year old. They get all kind of antibodies from our Brest milk. I had a horrendous couple of weeks getting him latched on (it was very painful). After that so easy. As long as I kept myself hydrated I had a ready supply for him when he needed it. We introduced cows milk no problem in a sippy cup too at 6 months. I know breastfeeding doesn’t work for everyone but for me it was wonderful. We did try him on a bottle (so I could get more sleep) and he was having none of it! Just stick to your guns. Your child is fed and doing well. I now have a healthy cuddly 8 year old….. no idea. How much breastfeeding has to do with it. But how you feed your child is no one’s business but yours. Also I’m sorry to say I wouldn’t be leaving your precious baby any time soon with the MIL…. She sounds a little unhinged

Honestly someone needs to tell your MIL to shut up!

I could never get my breastfed babies to take a bottle either and as it wasn't essential at the time as I went back to work later it didn't matter. How distressing for you OP to have your MIL constantly interfering. Please have the confidence to breastfeed when and where you want and politely but firmly tell her when you don't agree. What is important is for you to keep your baby happy. It doesn't matter at all what anyone else is doing, everyone's needs and inclinations are different. They will all grow up regardless eating real food.

See I think she (nobody actually) is entitled to any kind of explanantion bar your health support people and your partner.

There is something about MIL who only see DIL as GC making machines for THEM.

OP you need to grow some balls tell her you are doing what’s right for you and advice from health professionals and frankly you don’t care what anyone else is doing or what she thinks

No but it might shut her up because she clearly isn’t stopping anytime soon

None of her business. Your husband should tell her so. Until he does, don't spend time with her. She is causing you unnecessary stress and your baby will pick up on it. You need calmness so you can relax with your baby and enjoy your time together. These moments are precious both for you and for him. Xx

oh I think STFU would work fine.

I feel your pain as I had similar with my MIL. She hated me BF as she never even tried it with her 2 kids. But then she's 80 this year and everything is always about her.

Stick to your guns and don't let her bully you. If it wasn't over BF she'd probably find something else. And on the topic of letting your baby stay with her in the nursery she's created, YOU decide if and when it happens, not her.

FWIW I BF my son for 14.5 months and for me, BF was harder than childbirth. Super convenient, rewarding and great for baby, but HARD. It's exhausting, painful at times, gross when you feel milk going everywhere and undignifying when you've gone through 9 months of being examined and in various stages of nude in front of strangers. The last thing I then wanted was people looking at my nipples when my son unlatched for whatever reason in the middle of a cafe. But going anywhere is easier, travelling on a plane is easier, and the bond you develop is like nothing else. So POWER TO YOU MAMA (AND SCREW HER). I'd be so tempted to say "what's with the obsession with my boobs MIL?"

I posted a picture on Facebook years back when they had remove it previously and it was of a preemie baby being breastfed. I think that we still live in the dark ages when it comes to breastfeeding. My DCs are grown up but I can remember being a young mum who wasn’t confident about breastfeeding in public so I ended up feeding in toilets at times.
DD1 has just had a baby and I have been sent lots of pics of either baby feeding (as that’s all he’s doing when he’s awake currently) or asleep on her chest. They are beautiful.
Anyone who thinks that breastfeeding is shameful or abnormal should have a word with themselves.

Goodness what a nightmare for you- don't know how you have refrained from letting rip at the stupid woman already with such spiteful comments....i would have lost it by now at her in your position!

DH needs to stand up for you and his baby and frankly tell her to shut her mouth.If she doesn't comply, don't be around her until she agrees to do so.

YADNBU....as a new mum you need boosting up not ripping down.Don't let her sway you from your correct instincts! You are the baby's mummy not her.You clearly know best what he needs.

Your child, your decision. Do not feel pressurised by anyone to change your feeding choice to one that you do not feel comfortable with. YML has no say in this. Stick to your boundaries and take no shit.

She can go jump in a hedge. I know you will read this back one day when you aren't exhausted and vulnerable and you will wonder why the hell you gave a fuck what anyone thought about how you fed your baby.

you can choose however you want to feed your baby.
However she is right.
Nipple confusion isn't a thing and a bottle can be introduced earlier.
I also agree that breastfeeding should be discreet. Don't understand the need to be the centre of attention with it.