MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

MIL also knows that if your LO is bottle fed she’ll be able to be more involved with them which is what I suspect is behind this. All the while your LO is breastfed and refusing the bottle LO needs to be with you.

I just stopped BF my 3 year old. Can't abide people who judge it. Weirds me out how they think cows milk is more suitable than human milk MADE FOR HUMAN BABIES. Odd.

Please, ignore her. You do what works for you and baby.

How frustrating that it's put you off feeding your own baby Infront of her. I'm sick of these old women thinking formula is the better option when the baby is happy as they are. Her grandmother definitely didn't give her kids formula and surprisingly she has still survived.
Even if your baby went on formula now I can't see you wanting to leave your baby with her. She thinks she knows everything so I'm sure she will find a problem with something else like the clothes you are putting your baby in for whatever reason.
If it was me the next time I got a comment like that I'd say "I can tell your stressed out about me BFing baby so I'll bring baby around less until he's on the bottle shall I or should we agree to stop mentioning it?"

Omg what is with her? Absolutely right to feel annoyed. Does she make these comments around DH? If you're happy EBF then no reason to change!

Mine is breastfed and my MIL brought up I think about 4 or 5 times that we should start giving him formula as well. I do love my MIL and understand that it was coming from a place of concern (with yours it just sounds ideological) but it got really annoying. I'm really proud of how I took my son from just above low birth weight with jaundice to the chunky 11 week old he is now, and how much work I put into establishing breastfeeding through the sleep deprivation.

If there had ever been a suggestion he needed formula, I would have given it to him myself (in fact he had it twice - once to replace a feed and we tried it once at home). But it annoyed me she wasn't listening to us reporting how happy the midwives and health visitor and GP were with his progress. And I just wanted to feel trusted to look after our own baby. We're all happy and our baby is thriving but it was really annoying having that kind of pressure on us and her reacting as if we were making a huge mistake and hurting our baby.

I asked DH if he thought he was getting enough to eat and mentioned a comment she'd made, he thought I must have misconstrued it. Then the next time we saw them she actually said it to DH when our baby wanted to feed. He sounded annoyed and said he was fine, and shut the door to the room I was in so might have said more but she's not mentioned it again. She's done a few other things without DH there like lifting my breastfeeding cover to kiss our son on the back of the head as PIL decided to leave while he was feeding.

I'd say try and get DH to address it, don't discuss it with her or try and defend yourself and just have a flat response ready for if she brings it up like "we're all happy with what we're doing". I'm also a fan of asking "what do you mean?" if someone says something uncomfortable - puts the onus on them to explain what they really mean and stop being passive aggressive, or to drop it.

Edit: also just because she made a nursery in her house doesn't mean you have to use it! Not your fault if her expectations were mismatched. Mine was wanting to come over and do night shifts and there just wasn't the need or opportunity. Plus I'm sorry I've seen a pp about you feeling uncomfortable feeding in front of her! Mine has often acted like it wasn't fair that my baby wanted to feed when she was holding him, or has tried to distract him from wanting to eat by dancing round with him so I've had to get up and take him. I think maybe part of it is wanting to share in feeding the baby when there's really no need!

My mum was similar to your MIL about breastfeeding but she lives thousands of miles away so couldn’t pull such nonsense and was easy to ignore. My MIL nursed all three of her children so had no issue.

My mother asked how long I was going to do it for and I told her about the WHO recommendations and she scoffed at them saying “what do they know?” 🙄

Nursed my first for a bit over 2 years, stopped for a few months and then nursed my second for 2 years (didn’t want to tandem nurse). She asked again about me breastfeeding the second and I told her the same thing. Didn’t question it after the third but made herself out to be some expert on the subject months later when my sister had her first. It was the first time I ever saw my sister be short with our mother and it was well deserved. She assumed watching me was enough to be giving advice about it.

She didn’t breastfeed because she was very poorly with pre-eclampsia with both of us (born two months early). Seeing me do it with DS1 after having an emergency c-section struck a nerve and she couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to switch to formula. I didn’t want to and didn’t have to simple as that and breastfeeding was relatively easy for me and has remained that way.

Reads like to me she just wants to have access to your baby whenever and is mad that she can’t because your baby won’t take a bottle.

The only thing you need to do is limit contact with her and if she moans, tell her why. She either keeps her unwanted opinions to herself or you and baby see less of her. You do not need to give attention to her nonsense. Get up and leave if she continues. No need to make a fuss, just rise and walk off every time until it sticks or have other plans.

You need to politely tell her to Foxtrot Oscar. My lo was combi fed as I didn't produce enough milk but I still breast fed him till he was 14mo. (from 11mo it was morning and night only). Its your body and your baby no one else has a say in how long or how often you breast feed.

Respectfully, she needs to mind her own business. It's your baby, you parent the way you want to. It's incredibly rude and disrespectful of her to keep making these comments.

Boundaries!!

My baby is sat attached to me as I type. Tell her to f* off. None of her business. I would take every opportunity to get your boobs fully out in front of her. She sounds dreadful and needs to be told to STFU.

An elderly family friend with a growing brood of great grandchildren said to me when I first had DD that her three children all had different approaches to parenting and she saw her role as supporting them by doing what they wanted her to do. This has stuck with me and I hope I will take the same considered approach if and when I become a grandma.

My MiL addressed her comments on childrearing preferences directly to DD from their first meeting at two weeks old when she said: 'Oh dear, you want a dummy, don't you?' My DH stood up to his mum and said 'No, mum, she doesn't need a dummy.' It made a big difference that he supported me in that way. Please do the same, OP's DH.

Don’t let this woman bully you. Breast feed and take care of your baby as you see fit. You are not obligated to explain yourself or indulge her behaviour.

Have you tried telling her to fuck off? If she’s that desperate to look after a baby she can have one herself.

Stop with the bottles. It’s stressing you out. They are just another thing to clean and get ready. BF is working for you.

My MIL wasn’t keen and we lived in their house when DS was born as we were saving for a house and had a surprise baby! She isn’t maternal at all and only had kids because her husband wanted one.

FIL left the room even though nothing was on show. He just thought I should have privacy. Different generation. He wasn’t being horrible. Just uncomfortable.

DIL may change mind and BF when baby is born. No guarantee her baby will go for sleepovers.

what does your partner say? Get them to shut MIL down.

if she is annoying you then just avoid her. Tell DH to tell her you are busy for the next 10 years. Once you stop BF MIL will have an opinion about something else.

None of her business how you feed your child.

Our child never ever stayed over with the inlaws. Not because she was over bearing but because they smoked and had a horrid temprememtal dog.

I didn't feel comfortable leaving our children there and dh listened to my concerns.

Kindly can we stop the ageism

Where is your DH in all this? Why is he leaving you to manage his mum?

He should be standing in between you the second she starts stressing you.

You're amazing for breastfeeding twins! How do you manage, one on each side? I have two friends with twins and one FF by choice and one wanted to BF but had to give them preemie formula in the beginning, then fed them by pumping every 2 hours for months (she's a hero too!)

So much respect for twin mothers, however they choose to feed their babies, just breastfeeding and pumping can be tough with one baby let alone two

Tell her to F Off, politley you wish, just bear in mind there has been nothing politecabout her rude, unwanted, passive aggressive comments.

I would simply say that you respect the choices of everyone else, there is nothing wrong with bottle feeding but you are able to breastfeed and there is very good medical evidence on the benefits for the baby and you up to 2 years. Ask why would she advise you to do something that would negatively affect the health of you and your baby and cost you more in time and money that you don’t want to do? Advise her that breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world and you find it disgusting that she views it negatively. Finally say this is your choice and you don’t wish to hear any more about it. End of.

She's a bully and needs to mind her own business. Mils who interfere with the mum's (and baby's!) choice are unbearable and need to be told to butt out.

You are not being unreasonable. She clearly doesn't like the idea of you having baby all to yourself because of breastfeeding. She wants baby to be free to go to hers , I'm assuming just her and the baby and for over night stays. I'd just ignore her at every one of these comments. Don't even engage in her pathetic ' I know best' rants. Close it down and empower yourself with whatever phrase you use. Don't let it get to you. These demanding entiled grandparents do my tits in

I had someone repeatedly saying stuff like this. I asked, in front of a roomful of people, what her obsession with my breasts was. She never actually spoke to me again. Was different because it was a colleague and I think I made her cry. It was still weird tho.

Tell her to jog on and everytime she makes a comment that annoys you spray her with your milk direct from the boob

Mil or not mil…unsolicitated advices should be treated as such. In other terms, ignore.

it is obvious, she wants you to use the bottle so you can leave the baby. You absolutely do not have to do either: introduce the bottle & leaving your babe at hers.

If she starts like that…I’d be weary on later.

Yeah because that one will be left along whilst parents have a night's sleep lol

Your MIL has no say in this. Get your own facts and raise your baby the way you want. You need to set boundaries or she’ll make your life a nightmare.