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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad wants me to wish his new wife a Happy Mother’s Day

254 replies

TheOxfordComma · 09/05/2025 05:00

Mother’s Day in Australia falls this Sunday.

I’m in a dilemma. My father has asked me to extend Mother’s Day wishes to his new wife (married less than a year ago), but he hasn’t specified what he expects—perhaps a card, a phone call, or a lunch outing?

My mother passed away unexpectedly eight years ago when I was almost 30. I maintain a cordial relationship with my father’s new wife, but she has not played a role in raising me at all. I see her as my dad’s new wife and not as a “stepmom”. She has an adult son with whom she gets on well. I’m married with a 14-month-old daughter and want to dedicate the day to celebrating my wife and honouring memories of my deceased mother.

Recently, my father’s wife has begun referring to herself as my “stepmum” at social gatherings, which feels uncomfortable to me. While I don’t want to upset my father, I’m reluctant to acknowledge her on Mother’s Day, as I would prefer to not have her take anything I do on that day as validation that I see her as a “mother” figure rather than my father’s new wife. Surely her own son can fulfil that role on Mother’s Day, which is what he always does for her.

YABU: Just send a text or card, for goodness’ sake.
YANBU: She’s not your mother, and you don’t need to set a precedent.

OP posts:
Bertielong3 · 09/05/2025 05:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

temperedolive · 09/05/2025 05:07

I'd probably just send her a quick "Hope you had a nice Mother's Day; here's how we celebrated with LO" text with a photo. It keeps the peace and doesn't imply that she's YOUR mother in any way.

Tourmalines · 09/05/2025 05:10

Are you going to be seeing her at all over that Period ? Because if you are I believe it’s only decency to greet her a happy Mother’s Day , not because she’s your step mother but I’m in Australia too and it’s what people do , so many people wish someone happy Mother’s Day just like they do to me just out of spiritual kindness . And her referring to everyone as your step mother , well she is, isn’t she . What else is she supposed to say? It just seems to me that you don’t like her, and you sound mean spirited. She is never going to replace your mother so you don’t have to worry about that.

NattyTurtle59 · 09/05/2025 05:14

I used to give my step-mother a card, and my DF married her when I was in my 30s (and I still had my DM). I liked her and it just felt the right thing to do.

And, as pp has said, technically she is your step-mother.

PermanentTemporary · 09/05/2025 05:18

For goodness' sake! I think your dad is being outrageous. My dp has adult kids. I'm their dad's girlfriend, not their stepmum. They are great people and treat me really well but they don't send me anything on Mother's day nor would I want them to. My ds's dad, my late husband, died some years ago now. My dp would no more expect ds to call him his dad than he would fly in the air.

No you don't have to do any of it. You can ask your dad's partner if she had a nice Mother's Day seeing her daughter. You can naturally bring up memories of what you used to do with your mum then. That's as far as I would entertain this absolute nonsense.

Holliegee · 09/05/2025 05:19

My partner has grown up children,as do I and his children(or their partners)generally just text and say hope you’ve had a lovely day- it would be weird if they sent me a card.
I do however get beautiful gifts from them at Christmas and birthdays and lots of hugs and texts in between.

arcticpandas · 09/05/2025 05:22

"My dad wants..." And I want a cleaner. We don't always get what we went in life, your dad is old enough to know that.

Whay you could do is tell her "I hope you spend a lovely mother's day with your son"
Or "happy mother's day to all of us".
It's nice and won't make you feel like a hypocrite.

Timeforsnacks · 09/05/2025 05:23

I think once your an adult, if your parents get new partners it would be so fake to pretend they are your step mum or step dad.
I would tell them no and that you will be mourning your mum to be honest

SpidersAreShitheads · 09/05/2025 05:26

I have a stepdad who’s been around since I was about 16/17 - I’m 49 now.

My own beloved dad passed away 12 years ago. Can’t believe it’s that long actually, still feels like yesterday.

I get along with my stepdad perfectly well, and he’s gotten older I’ve helped him out with things like lifts to the hospital and some life admin.

He’s perfectly nice. But over my dead body would I buy him a Fathers Day card. He has three children of his own and he’s not my dad. I know for a fact my own dad would have felt very hurt (he was worried about my mum trying to “replace” him as grandad with my stepdad when I was pregnant).

I just couldn’t. And not because I have any issue with him. If my mum had asked, the answer would still have been no.

In your circumstances OP I think I’d just say to your dad that your grief of losing your mum is still too raw and you hope he can understand that you’d rather not. Perhaps emphasise that you have no problems at all with his new wife and that you like her but right now, it feels disrespectful to your mum’s memory to be paying tribute to her on Mother’s Day.

I think there’s no right or wrong answer here and it’s fine to go with how you feel.

Notgoingtohappen · 09/05/2025 05:31

Long time lurker here.

They don't get to dictate what you call her. My dad said he didn't want his wife receiving cards saying Happy Step Mother's Day, now she doesn't receive anything. I don't see her as my step mum anyhow but there's no way I was dropping the step.

Sending a card from your dd could be a good compromise?

MikeRafone · 09/05/2025 05:38

I’d find a step mum car and send it, if you value the relationship with your father.

if you’re not concerned about the relationship with your father, then don’t worry about doing something he has asked if you.

Jollyjoy · 09/05/2025 05:41

Another who thinks it’s outrageous! My dad’s wife of 20yrs is just that, my dad’s wife. The meaning of stepmum to me is a new partner who had some role during upbringing as a child. When my first child was small we jokingly called her ‘sgranny’ because she hated it as she felt too young to be a gran! It felt ok to give her/acknowledge a kind of granny status, but in the end she’s not really been in the kids lives so we never kept that going.

HoppingPavlova · 09/05/2025 05:43

@Tourmalines Are you going to be seeing her at all over that Period ? Because if you are I believe it’s only decency to greet her a happy Mother’s Day , not because she’s your step mother but I’m in Australia too and it’s what people do , so many people wish someone happy Mother’s Day just like they do to me just out of spiritual kindness

Maybe it’s a very localised thing? I’m Australian, born here and several decades on and have never known this to be a thing here. Maybe be if you live on a commune somewhere, but otherwise not so much and I’d think it was really odd if I had anyone outside kids or DH do this.

Jollyjoy · 09/05/2025 05:43

MikeRafone · 09/05/2025 05:38

I’d find a step mum car and send it, if you value the relationship with your father.

if you’re not concerned about the relationship with your father, then don’t worry about doing something he has asked if you.

I don’t think this is fair. Saying ‘sorry, I’m not comfortable with that’ does not mean she doesn’t value the relationship with her father. Just means she doesn’t like lying or being fake, she can express that kindly to the dad or partner.

TeenToTwenties · 09/05/2025 05:46

You could send a text saying ,:

Enjoy mothers day, hope you have a lovely say with Son.

Or send some flowers 'best wishes from TheOxfordComma and family'

Marks it, without you having to use the step mum phrase.

pilates · 09/05/2025 05:47

No I wouldn’t. She is not your mum and not played a part bringing you up.

@temperedolive had a good suggestion

BitOutOfPractice · 09/05/2025 05:48

I wish anyone who’s a mother a happy Mother’s Day. I only send my own mom a Mother’s Day card and gift with a heartfelt message.

I don’t think a Happy Mothers Day text does any harm but I wouldn’t go further than that.

Tourmalines · 09/05/2025 05:49

HoppingPavlova · 09/05/2025 05:43

@Tourmalines Are you going to be seeing her at all over that Period ? Because if you are I believe it’s only decency to greet her a happy Mother’s Day , not because she’s your step mother but I’m in Australia too and it’s what people do , so many people wish someone happy Mother’s Day just like they do to me just out of spiritual kindness

Maybe it’s a very localised thing? I’m Australian, born here and several decades on and have never known this to be a thing here. Maybe be if you live on a commune somewhere, but otherwise not so much and I’d think it was really odd if I had anyone outside kids or DH do this.

Edited

No I don’t live on a commune . And it’s certainly a done thing here. You think it’s odd if friends or people you may know wish you happy Mother’s Day. ? Hmmm . Now I think that’s odd.

TakeMeDancing · 09/05/2025 05:52

I send one to my stepmum….because she married my dad when I was in primary school, helped to raise me, and is my kids’ grandmother. Your situation is different, and you have every right not to feel like she does maternal things for you.

SpidersAreShitheads · 09/05/2025 05:53

Tourmalines · 09/05/2025 05:49

No I don’t live on a commune . And it’s certainly a done thing here. You think it’s odd if friends or people you may know wish you happy Mother’s Day. ? Hmmm . Now I think that’s odd.

Show quote history

That’s really interesting @Tourmalines! I’ve never wished anyone a happy Mother’s Day nor had anyone do the same to me, other than my DC and my own mum.

I might say to a fellow mum “did you have a nice Mother’s Day?” - but that’s as far as it goes.

It’s rather lovely that it’s the done thing where you are, but it’s definitely not ever been done within my circles/region. This difference might explain why some posters think it’s reasonable and others don’t?

doubleactionlibertycollective · 09/05/2025 05:54

Your dad is being ridiculous, it’s totally up to you and I can see why you don’t want to.

DH gets on really well with his dad’s wife, we all do but he’d never think to send her a Mother’s Day card, she didn’t bring him up and she spends it with her biological children.

JessaWoo · 09/05/2025 05:55

I’m also somewhat in this position, except my DF isn’t insisting anything, thankfully. I do happily give my stepmother gifts for her birthday and Christmas, but I simply can’t go to the extent of a Mother’s Day card. If I happen to see her on the day or in the days afterwards, I’ll absolutely say to her, “I hope you had a lovely Mother’s Day?” but that’s as far as it goes. She’s a lovely woman, has made my DF very happy and been very kind to my children, but she isn’t my mother.

SparklyGlitterballs · 09/05/2025 05:57

Nope, I wouldn't be sending a card or doing lunch. As you've said, she's not your mother and has played no part in raising you. A gentle conversation with your father, reminding him you had a mother who has sadly died. You can reassure him that you like his wife very much, but it is her son's place to do the Mother's Day stuff with her, not yours. At the very most I'd send a text saying you hope she's had a lovely Mother's Day with her son, and send a picture or words about how you've celebrated with your child.

nonevernotever · 09/05/2025 05:58

I'd go with sending a card from your child to her as their step grandmother . Or one from you and your child to "name on Mother's Day" so as a generic we celebrate all mothers sort of thing

Wallywobbles · 09/05/2025 06:00

I’ve never done it despite her being my step mum since I was 11. And my mum dying when I was 7.

It would have pissed off my siblings.

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