Dad wants me to wish his new wife a Happy Mother’s Day

[TheOxfordComma]

Mother’s Day in Australia falls this Sunday.

I’m in a dilemma. My father has asked me to extend Mother’s Day wishes to his new wife (married less than a year ago), but he hasn’t specified what he expects—perhaps a card, a phone call, or a lunch outing?

My mother passed away unexpectedly eight years ago when I was almost 30. I maintain a cordial relationship with my father’s new wife, but she has not played a role in raising me at all. I see her as my dad’s new wife and not as a “stepmom”. She has an adult son with whom she gets on well. I’m married with a 14-month-old daughter and want to dedicate the day to celebrating my wife and honouring memories of my deceased mother.

Recently, my father’s wife has begun referring to herself as my “stepmum” at social gatherings, which feels uncomfortable to me. While I don’t want to upset my father, I’m reluctant to acknowledge her on Mother’s Day, as I would prefer to not have her take anything I do on that day as validation that I see her as a “mother” figure rather than my father’s new wife. Surely her own son can fulfil that role on Mother’s Day, which is what he always does for her.

YABU: Just send a text or card, for goodness’ sake.
YANBU: She’s not your mother, and you don’t need to set a precedent.

im British in UK, it seems from some responses there is more of a culture in Oz of people wishing other mums happy Mother’s Day than here, although I did notice this year that a handful of people did this - my next door neighbour said Happy Mother’s Day to me, (and I responded the same to her) as did a friend I bumped into and I noticed a couple of friends posting on Facebook to all mothers. So perhaps it’s a growing trend everywhere.
I think you need to decide if you want to keep piece or make a stand. It seems odd to me that she’s calling herself step mum, so discuss with your dad how you feel about this and perhaps that your comfortable wishing her a HMD in a general sense but not a card or such as she’s not your mother!

My father married his second wife when we were adults; we didn't meet her until we were in our 20s.

She's not our stepmother; she's my father's wife.

If you absolutely have to, a generic text 'Enjoy your Mother's Day (with your son) is the most I'd send.

I agree with OP - ‘step mum’ implies some level of maternal care which this woman has never done for OP. How about she introduces herself as OP would refer to her - her father’s wife?

OP’s dad is wanting her to acknowledge her on Mother’s Day more for his new wife’s benefit than his daughter’s. This is odd and selfish and way more so considering she has her own actual son to do this for her. She sounds spoilt and OP’s dad sounds like his priority is keeping her happy and doesn’t much care how his daughter feels, which is fairly typical in these circumstances. Bed warmers almost always come first.

@Tourmalines You think it’s odd if friends or people you may know wish you happy Mother’s Day. ? Hmmm . Now I think that’s odd

Of course I’d think it odd. I wouldn’t say anything, just smile and nod, but internally I’d give a chin scratch. I’ve lived in a fair few places and States/Territories over the decades and have never come across this, and certainly don’t do it with any friends or family apart from my own mum when she was alive.

Have an other half with three grown up DC’s, been in their life for over a decade.
It is an insult to be asked to send a Mother’s Day card.
I have a lovely, friendly relationship with the DC’s but it’s nowhere near that of a step mum. I don’t have DC of my own, so it is a bittersweet time on Mother’s Day as I would have loved to have been a mum, but it’s nobody else’s job to solve that.
I think it’s outrageous to demand you send a card when you’ve lost your own mum. It must be a very sad day in many ways for you.
Send your dad’s wife a message wishing her a lovely day with her son.
I am sure she will feel equally awkward about your dad’s request.

Well I guess you think it’s odd because you’ve never come across it , but it’s out there , big time . I’ve had a few people wish it to me today , as I work with the public . I think it’s lovely. And I return it if I know they have kids .

It entirely depends on

1. whether your relationship with your mother was strong. If it was strong, assert your boundaries, push back and protect your loyalty if you feel like your loyalty to your mother is being violated
2. whether your step mother played a significant part in your upbringing where you feel you'd like to honour her on Mother's Day. That's a decision only you can make based on your feelings and inner sense of loyalty.

if it doesn't fl right, then don't do it, no matter what your DF wants. It's not about him, it's about what you want to do. You aren't a child, you're an adult able to make adult decisions and choices. If you buckle and say "Happy Mothers Day" when it brings you conflicting emotions, you'll risk giving your DF an inch and him taking a mile.

in situations like this, my mantra is always "he'll get over it". If he doesn't that's his problem!

Give her a nanny/granny etc card from your dd. That way you’ve acknowledged her but not directly!

I don’t have a mum, and my dad met someone a couple of years ago, so this lady is in no way my stepmum. But she’s nice and kind and she wishes me a happy Mother’s Day so I wish her one back (as she has her own son). I do also buy a bunch of tulips etc but no card. A card would be awkward for me.

I’m Australian and I have never in my entire life been wished a Happy Mother’s Day by anyone other than my family. Frankly I would find this very odd.

She is not your mother and you absolutely should not feel pressured into a card or anything similar.

No I wouldn’t send a card. She isn’t your mum and your Dad does not get to tell you what to do any more. That would annoy me. Be civil by all means but if she has a son then he is the one who should get cards and presents for her.

Op, your dad needs to be told that Mothers Day is for your mum and that will never change. I wouldn’t sugar coat it, I’d just say it and let him reflect on it.

I’d FaceTime in the evening and say ‘I hope you all had a lovely Mother’s Day, and Mary, I hope you got a nice treat from your son’. I agree it’s odd. My DP had been in my kids lives for 9 years now, since they were 9 and 7. They love each other dearly and he’s probably a better ‘dad’ to them than they’re real father, but it wouldn’t cross their minds to wish him HFD and he wouldn’t expect it.

I think it’s outrageous.

I mean if wishing people a happy Mother’s Day as standard was the done thing then presumably you would already have been doing it. So given you already don’t is suggesting you wish her happy Mother’s Day now that tey’re married is outrageous. That hasn’t changed.

I guarantee that if this had been a woman posting that her ex was expecting her children to acknowledge Mother’s Day to his new wife the responses would be a unanimous “your children ave a mother, and that isn’t and will never be her.” So does this sentiment only count if the mother is dead?

As an adult, there is no requirement for you to do this.
She may technically be yout step-mother, but isn't emotionally.
Speak to yu dad explaining this, or write a letter.
You owe her nothing

I wouldn't do it. She's not your mother nor did she ever serve in that role. If you don't want to and don't like her calling herself your stepmother then I don't suggest encouraging it. It's perfectly acceptable to just let her be your father's new wife.

Is your dad the sort of man who would have thought this through properly and spoken to her? Or has he just texted you on the spur of the moment?

Because whilst this is a bit weird for you, it will be very very weird for her son. Can you imagine being an only child your whole life and then in adulthood your parent marries someone and their adult kid starts pretending your mum is their mum??? You rock up on Mother’s Day and someone else who you barely know has bought her flowers? You try to take her out for lunch and she’s already got plans with someone else on Mother’s Day??!!

Each to their own but I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly but I can firmly say now if my dad got a new wife I would never send her a Mother’s Day card from me or my kids, my mum is my mum and my kids nanny and I just wouldn’t disrespect her honour by doing it. To be honest i wouldn’t even want a birthday card with her name in a card from my dad. That is just me though and I guess still too raw. You need to what’s right for you and if that’s honouring your wife for the day focus on her and deal with your dad after.

I've been in my DH's lives now for over 15 years since they were little, I have a great relationship with them, being proactive in helping to raise them and still offer lots of support (particularly financial!!) I love them to bits. But I don't expect any kind of contact from them on mother's day because I'm not their mother, they have a mum. In fact I see it as my role do support and facilitate them in making sure she has a nice day (ie kicking the boys arse to remember to send her a card, when younger supporting them to buy a gift etc). They do nice things for me at other points in the year but mother's day is not my day (I have my own DD).

I would as a pp suggested at most send a text saying you hope she has had a nice mother's day and a picture of your child. Or if the child is close to her they could maybe send her a card. Its also ok to have boundaries and if this is yours that's ok and don't need to feel any guilt over it.

I'm surprised at responses saying you should even send a text.
I actually think it's bonkers and rude for anyone to expect this.
If he had met and married someone in 2 weeks would he expect the same?
Essentially what he's saying is 'I'm shagging someone, therefore they are now entitled to a maternal relationship with you' which is... so weird!

It is not out of line to wish all mothers a Happy Mother's Day.

She is a mother (also a step mother/grandmother) so can be wished a happy Mother's Day without causing offence to your dear deceased mother.
I always gave my step grandfather a card and a box of chocolate ginger.
A simple expression of letting her know that, as a mother, it is her special day. A card and small bunch of flowers or a cafe vouchure. Or a picture painted by your child.

You are right that her son will be taking her out to lunch and fussing over her. It is spiteful to ignore her 'mother' status.

This

no drama, no classic mumsnet fireworks
perfect

I think these are all good suggestions.

I don't think she is being particularly outrageous in referring to herself as your stepmother. I could see why she might think describing herself to others as 'my husband's daughter' could sound a bit cold, clunky and othering.

But your dad has bats in the belfry if he expects you to start celebrating her on Mother's Day. Especially considering the sensitivities around the fact your actual mother is dead.

My mother is dead and I've never met my father's partner of some 20 odd years. Never even spoken to her. Luckily, he hasn't come up with anything so batshit (so far).

I’m in Melbourne and we do this, my New York colleague has wished me a happy Mother’s Day for Sunday and various school mums all have said it to each other today. So I’d acknowledge it by text or card, but not visit and change my plans for the day.

How often do you get together with her op?