Dad wants me to wish his new wife a Happy Mother’s Day

[TheOxfordComma]

Mother’s Day in Australia falls this Sunday.

I’m in a dilemma. My father has asked me to extend Mother’s Day wishes to his new wife (married less than a year ago), but he hasn’t specified what he expects—perhaps a card, a phone call, or a lunch outing?

My mother passed away unexpectedly eight years ago when I was almost 30. I maintain a cordial relationship with my father’s new wife, but she has not played a role in raising me at all. I see her as my dad’s new wife and not as a “stepmom”. She has an adult son with whom she gets on well. I’m married with a 14-month-old daughter and want to dedicate the day to celebrating my wife and honouring memories of my deceased mother.

Recently, my father’s wife has begun referring to herself as my “stepmum” at social gatherings, which feels uncomfortable to me. While I don’t want to upset my father, I’m reluctant to acknowledge her on Mother’s Day, as I would prefer to not have her take anything I do on that day as validation that I see her as a “mother” figure rather than my father’s new wife. Surely her own son can fulfil that role on Mother’s Day, which is what he always does for her.

YABU: Just send a text or card, for goodness’ sake.
YANBU: She’s not your mother, and you don’t need to set a precedent.

Mother's Day isn't for your dad to get a say. It's for you snd your child, your mum who you will be thinking of and his wife and her son. He gets no say.

If your loss were the other way round would he be happy about the thought of you sending another man a father's day card? Or your being pressured into doing so because this other man likes the idea of being your step dad?

And, as pp has said, technically she is your step-mother.

No "techically" she is the OP's father's wife. "Step mother/father" and all the in- law terms are short hand ways of describing people who are married to a relative. Such people might or might not have any meaningful relationship with the person concerned. There's no legal relationship created.

I'd send him a message: something like this:

Dad, I'm going to have to say no to your request that I send Sally a Happy Mother's Day card. Sally isn't my mother. I miss Mum every day of the year, but particularly on Mother's Day, and I would feel I was betraying her if I were to suddenly start acknowledging Sally as my mother. I like Sally and I'm glad you and she are happy together, but she isn't, and will never be, my mother.

Maybe she's furious because she loved her mum to bits and lost her far too young. She thinks about her every day and calling another woman 'mother' would feel like a betrayal. I'm struck by how little men seem to understand about the primal, primary relationship so many of us have with our mothers.

I would not. She is technically your stepmother but your relationship is "cordial"; I wouldn't consider that a basis for sending her anything.

My ex has been living with his partner since our children were 6 and 4, they stay with them 2 nights a week and have an ok relationship but he wouldn't push a mother's day card on them - and even now as teens they wouldn't entertain the idea. Someone being in a relationship with your father does not make them your mother.

Put simply, she is not your stepmum. She is your father’s wife. Those are very different things and your father needs put in his place regarding this.

My DP’s father also passed away when he was in his late teens. His mother later remarried a wonderful man and they have a beautiful relationship. My DP adores the man, spends plenty time with him, but never calls him stepdad. He didn’t raise him, he has never even lived with him. Thats his mum’s DH and that’s great. No one need be offended.

This is a good idea!

That’s going against what Op wants though. They don’t want to validate her claims she’s a step mum when she isn’t, she hasn’t raised them or played a step mum role, she has married their dad that’s it. We shouldn’t have to do something we’re not comfortable with just to please others.

You could equally say if the father was concerned about his relationship with his adult child then he wouldn’t ask them to wish his new wife happy Mother’s Day when they are probably thinking of the early loss they had of their mother.

I've been a step mum to my lovely SD since she was small, we are very close and she gives me a MD card/ we go out for coffee on a weekend close to the date.

Entirely different scenario to yours.

I don't think you need to (nor or should you be pressured into) acknowledging MD for your dad's wife.

My own mum has advanced dementia, I'm around 50, and I know if my father were to meet someone else in future, she would not be my step mother and there would be no card etc.

I'm sorry you're being pressured/guilted into this when you're grieving the loss of your mum.

Your dad's wife has a child, she can enjoy her day with acknowledgement from them. You enjoy your day and think of your mum without guilt/ pressure 💐

I wonder what is behind this for your father.

Perhaps he feels the need to feel like you are a family, perhaps that's behind it. Perhaps his sense of guilt for remarrying.

If I were you I would try to find a way of acknowledging her as part of your family on that day, but a way that fits with yourself and your feelings and values.

Your dad is being unreasonable. DH’s “stepmum” met his dad when DH was 17 so she has never really been a mother figure in his life. He likes her and they get on but never thought of her as his stepmother so doesn’t send her a Mother’s Day card. She has her own adult children to do that

My Dad remarried after my mum died when I was a similar age to you. I was never expected to do anything of the sort, and I have a very good relationship with her. She and I might sometimes use the term stepmother/children in conversations with people we don't know so well, just for ease but otherwise it would be dad's wife or she would say DH's children.
Your Dad is being a stupid tit.

I'm UK based and in my circle of family and friends, we wish each other a happy mother's day. Because we are saying " have a lovely day" rather than "thank you for being my mum". Not unusual here.

Your dad's expectations aren't reasonable, he is placing her feelings and his own above yours and given that there is further context here wherein you have lost your mother i think that makes it even more selfish, actually.

I would try and have a civilised conversation, ask him why he (or she) wants this exactly, explain that you like her and care for her, are very happy he has remarried and that she's joined your extended family but he must try to understand that she isn't your mother and can't be expected to be referred to by that title by an adult she is only connected to by marriage. Celebrate the day in general by all means and wish her well but don't feel obliged to agree she is your mother OP, you're not in the wrong on that.

Dear Dad,
On mother's day I will be thinking about my mother, and not sending messages to your girlfriend.
This is because your girlfriend is not my mother, she is your girlfriend, and thinking about my mother is something that is appropriate but sending cards to someone is not, is not.
HTH
OP

shes not your mother so I wouldn’t do it

The very fact that your father is insisting on you doing this is outrageous. You should never be prompted as an adult by another adult to do something that you might not do instinctively.

That would annoy the hell out of me, I'd feel like a child again.

However, I'd just either send a text or a card, with a neutral message such as

" Enjoy mother's day Sarah, all the best. Here's a pic of us doing the same!"

The only person I would wish a happy Mother's Day to is my own elderly mother. Beyond her, nobody.

I'd tell your Dad that whilst you get on well enough with her and accept her as his wife, she is not your mother and should not in any way be considered a replacement for the lovely Mum you tragically lost (and still mourn) eight years ago. Therefore, you won't be sending her a Mother's Day card, but you do hope she has a great day with her own children.

Does your Dad's wife actually know that he has made this demand of you? Any idea how she feels about it? She might be uncomfortable with him trying to make you treat her as a mother figure as that is a role she hasn't played.

It might be a cack handed and completely unnecessary attempt at blended family diplomacy by your Dad but he needs to be told that. He can't force relationships and make them what they are not, and he should cease to do that.

Absolutely NOT. She is not your mother. She is your dad's wife. Tell your dad you don't feel comfortable with that. She has her own kids that can celebrate her.

This is good

I'd be shutting that nonsense down right now. She is not your mother, and she has never had a mother-type role in your life.

if she has no children of her own (or has some and they ignore her) that is her own issue to solve.

It’s not down to your dad decide this. It’s your call.

Personally I wouldn’t, she’s not raised you and it doesn’t sound like your very close.

No chance! I would nip this in the bud. Message your Dad and say that you have a mum and are a fully grown woman who doesn't need a step mother. Tell him you will respect her as his wife but don't and never will see her as your step mother and please don't make things weird and ask again.

Hi OP. My mum died when I was a youngish adult. My Dad was in a new relationship in a year. It did not help that the women he set up the new relationship with had the same name as my mum. I will be honest, I did not like it one bit. I felt he had moved on really quickly and I felt alone with my grief. I did recognise however that he is entitled to be happy and that he had done nothing wrong. I made an effort to be polite and inclusive and I found cards which did say to be Stepmother on mothers day- they do exist in the UK, I am not sure about Aus? The relationship with SM was never wholly close, but it was okay and I think this was something I had to do to support my Dad. Not easy though and I understand it surfaces all kinds of feelings of loss and hurt. If you have not done so already I think it is good to do some counselling to manage the way you feel.

Particularly insensitive of your dad seeing as you lost your mum. I am quite annoyed on your behalf!