Dad wants me to wish his new wife a Happy Mother’s Day

[TheOxfordComma]

Mother’s Day in Australia falls this Sunday.

I’m in a dilemma. My father has asked me to extend Mother’s Day wishes to his new wife (married less than a year ago), but he hasn’t specified what he expects—perhaps a card, a phone call, or a lunch outing?

My mother passed away unexpectedly eight years ago when I was almost 30. I maintain a cordial relationship with my father’s new wife, but she has not played a role in raising me at all. I see her as my dad’s new wife and not as a “stepmom”. She has an adult son with whom she gets on well. I’m married with a 14-month-old daughter and want to dedicate the day to celebrating my wife and honouring memories of my deceased mother.

Recently, my father’s wife has begun referring to herself as my “stepmum” at social gatherings, which feels uncomfortable to me. While I don’t want to upset my father, I’m reluctant to acknowledge her on Mother’s Day, as I would prefer to not have her take anything I do on that day as validation that I see her as a “mother” figure rather than my father’s new wife. Surely her own son can fulfil that role on Mother’s Day, which is what he always does for her.

YABU: Just send a text or card, for goodness’ sake.
YANBU: She’s not your mother, and you don’t need to set a precedent.

Although I've seen cards with "You're like a mother to me" and other variants.

Depends on how you feel. No point sending a card if the sentiment is insincere. Tell your dad that. It's inauthentic.

I say this as a step mum to adult kids. I met my husband when his kids were young primary school age but they lived with their mum & only visited occasionally because mum moved away from the area. As a teen one of them lived with us for 2 years before moving out on their own. I do not expect them to do anything for me on mother's day. I am not their mum. I love them & would have happily stepped into a more active role if it was needed but it wasn't so I didn't try & push myself into it. I was thrilled to be given the title of Nanna to one of the kids little ones but didn't expect it, I imagined they would just use my name as the other ones child does. I wouldn't be acknowledging your "step mum" as a mum on mother's day if that isn't how you feel.

You're 37?!?!

I met DH when his adult children were mid to late 30s. I hate getting their bloody step-mum cards. I have 2 adult children. I expect 2 cards on my mantelpiece not 4.

Of course she isn’t. A step mum is someone who’s “mothered” you - it would only apply if she’d been on the scene when OP was growing up.

A Dads new wife, or a Mums new husband, is only a step parent if they come into the child's life whilst they are a child (ie under 18) and they welcome the child into their life without conditions or expectations

No biological parent should try & force a parental relationship between their child & their new partner. It's more likely to lead to resentment & estrangement than anything else.

Once the child is an adult & forming their own relationship & having children the new partner is always going to be Fred/Jean, their parents spouse.

IMO your dad is being very insensitive in asking you this.
Your mum is not replaceable - this woman hasn't raised you or made any kind of parental contribution to your life. She may be a nice woman but she's not your mother. I would say to my dad that it isn't appropriate and your only thoughts will be with your own mum and your child's mum on that day. He should feel ashamed of himself for trying to force this fake relationship on you!

Absolutely no way would I do this

I’m in a similar situation although my dad’s wife has been in the family now for about 20 years. She’s a lovely woman, she makes my dad happy and I enjoy spending time with her. But she’s not my mother, I’ve never treated her as my mother and there’s absolutely no chance I would ever wish her a happy Mother’s Day or send a card. The only person I would do that to died many many years ago.

I used to get her a bunch of flowers and say “thanks for all you do for us.” (Not that she did a great deal but it kept the peace)

Me and my friends (all mums) wish each other a happy Mother’s Day and hope everyone is being treated. My mum died when I was a teenager and hell would freeze over before I sent anyone other than her a Mother’s Day card - thankfully I never faced that.
The most I would do is send a text ‘Hope you had a great Mother’s Day and son treated you’

Just a card- if you never lived with her she is not really your stepmother, I wouldn't make a big deal about her referring to herself like this though.

Tomato tomayto
What's the price of keeping the peace with a father?

Capitulation in order to appease someone else is never a good idea. As history teaches us. The price is your own personal freedom.

Capitulation is calling her mum, and getting her a mother's day card that says 'mum'
Sending a card with no mention of 'mum' (or stepmum) is demonstrating non-capitulation while still keeping one's dad happy

I gained a step mother at the age of 24, I have never given it a second thought that I should remember her on Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day is for me to remember my late mother.

im currently in Aussie and was wished happy Mother’s Day by people whom aren’t my DC.

I’m not offended, the jesture was made with good intentions and I was clearly with my adult DC on the day.

I get that dad’s new wife isn’t your mum nor presented a motherly role in your life, but I like the idea off saying happy Mother’s Day to us all.. perhaps with a quick call if you are not seeing Dad on the day.

Yes , exactly. It’s certainly the done thing in Australia, in Melbourne for reference and without living in a commune as previously suggested. !

Okay, a Melbourne thing 🤣.

I always worked Christmas Day, Easter, Mother’s day etc. Staff would always wish each other Happy Xmas, was hit and miss for Easter (I think that became fraught long ago though), but never Mother’s Day. The public are no real indicator as I don’t think anyone ever even got a ‘Merry Christmas’ in decades from them, not that it matters or we expected it. I’ve never had a person outside work do this. Is it meant to be checkout operators or something that do it? If so, ours have been lacking. I can understand restaurants though saying it if they are putting on Mother’s Day meals/events, just like I guess they’d say ‘Happy Valentine’s day’ if they are doing meals accordingly. I’ve never been to a restaurant for any of these events though, so just guessing that you’d very likely get it there.

Well I’m a Melburnite too and this is news to me. Obviously it’s one thing to be out with who are obviously your children on actual Mother’s Day and for someone to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day but aside from that I would find it very odd!

What a palaver. All is needed is a text saying Hi X, hope you have a good mother's day. "

Everyone happy and it's not proclaiming any relationship. No different to wishing someone merry Xmas or happy birthday

Some people on here really do like a bit of drama

Oh my i am sorry you ve been put in this situation.

i would ignore the request until i couldnt ignore it further in which case i would say “dad, with all the love and respect in the world i have for you, i will not wish her a happy mothers day. She has her son for that”.

i would also politely correct her in private “while technically you could be a stepmom, in reality you re not. If we want to develop a friendship i would ask you that you respect me and introduce yourself with your name or as dads wife but not as my mom step or not. Thank you”

it is about forming healthy relationship. You dont have to be arsey about it and you dont want to build up resentment. Just be kind and firm.

The person wanting the drama is father's new wife.

Surely her son will wish her a Happy Mothers Day. You’re an adult and she’s your father’s wife of one year and not your mother therefore no need to celebrate her as your mother. You’ll be thinking of your own mum on Mother’s Day. Your father and his wife should respect this.

I'd tell your dad how you feel that you won't be doing this.
Your are a grown adult man with your own life not a teenager being told what to do.
I dont wish my dad's wife Happy mothers day they have been together 30 years I care for her but she isn't my mum and didn't bring me up .
I send birthday cards Christmas cards visit them but don't send a mothers day card .