Dad wants me to wish his new wife a Happy Mother’s Day

[TheOxfordComma]

Mother’s Day in Australia falls this Sunday.

I’m in a dilemma. My father has asked me to extend Mother’s Day wishes to his new wife (married less than a year ago), but he hasn’t specified what he expects—perhaps a card, a phone call, or a lunch outing?

My mother passed away unexpectedly eight years ago when I was almost 30. I maintain a cordial relationship with my father’s new wife, but she has not played a role in raising me at all. I see her as my dad’s new wife and not as a “stepmom”. She has an adult son with whom she gets on well. I’m married with a 14-month-old daughter and want to dedicate the day to celebrating my wife and honouring memories of my deceased mother.

Recently, my father’s wife has begun referring to herself as my “stepmum” at social gatherings, which feels uncomfortable to me. While I don’t want to upset my father, I’m reluctant to acknowledge her on Mother’s Day, as I would prefer to not have her take anything I do on that day as validation that I see her as a “mother” figure rather than my father’s new wife. Surely her own son can fulfil that role on Mother’s Day, which is what he always does for her.

YABU: Just send a text or card, for goodness’ sake.
YANBU: She’s not your mother, and you don’t need to set a precedent.

I think it depends on your relationship. If she is kind and supportive of you and makes your Dad happy I would do so.
It sounds like she wants to fulfill the role of stepmum and that could be nice if she is a kind person.
Acknowledging her as your stepmum would probably make her and your Dad happy. You could probably get a stepmum card for mother's day, I would do so, I think it would mean a lot to both of them.
You only get one Dad and it sounds like he has a second chance of happiness, don't deny him that. I say that as someone who has lost both parents so I am looking at this through the lens of life is short and love the people you can whilst you can.
Doing this doesn't negative your feelings or relationship with your Mum. Nothing is ever black or white OP but and whatever decision you make I hope you are at peace with it.

Sounds straight out of the tv series Fleabag

i’m sorry but it seems your dad has married someone with narcissistic tendencies who is all me me me. Your feelings are valid too. Yanbu at all

No- she’s not your mother and hasn’t raised you at all.
your dad can’t force you to accept her as a replacement mother- it’s frankly weird.

just say to your dad- she is your wife, I’m happy for you but she isn’t my mother, nor did she raise me. It’s a difficult day for you anyway- he’s being really tone deaf here.

if she does loads for your kid and is a really active grandparent then a card from the child seems like a good compromise.

This is a good idea.

Your dad is pretty outrageous to request this - maybe he isn't thinking straight/hasn't really thought this one through. I definitely wouldn't be doing this - it just makes no sense and if you start it will be very hard to stop.

My mum died when I was four, and my dad re-married when I was 12. I did give her a card/gift on mother's day because she very much did pick up a parenting role with me (more than my dad did) and I was grateful (even though she had a nasty side - that as shown to more than just me though, including her own much older/adult DC). I did end up resenting it a bit though as I got older and had my own DC. My brother (who was 24 when she married my dad) never sent her a mother's day card and this was never questioned, as she never fulfilled a parenting role with him.

I agree that acknowledging mother's day to her without any suggestion that she is in any way your mother is good. Photo of your DC etc. and hope she has a nice day. No card though.

Just send something like “have a lovely day today”

I'd be furious about this. Does your Dad acknowledge YOU on mother's day? Tell him she's not your mum and she has her own kids to wrangle on the day.

Yanbu.
The cheek of your father.

I would be furious at his selfish insensitivity.
I wouldn't have any part of it and would be clear to family that you find her assertions that she is your step mother absolutely bizarre.

Losing your mother very suddenly is a terrible shock that remains a shock for many many years.
It is a truly terrible loss.
My best friend lost hers at 10 and her father remarried 2 years later.
She never saw or referred to her as mother.
She had one mother and she died suddenly.
She called her by her first name and was never the slightest bit motherly, treating my friend as a huge inconvenience.
Her father died 8 years later and they have had little contact over the subsequent 30 years.

Her father was a tosser but even he never asked her to do the Mother day thing.

“And her referring to everyone as your step mother , well she is, isn’t she . What else is she supposed to say? ”

I agree with others who say that unless you get together when the DC are small the whole “stepmother” thing is a bit superfluous. If asked, I say, I’m married to their Dad, without mentioning the “step” word. The only time it ever comes up is between my DC and his DC when they’re talking to people outside the family, when stepsister/stepfather/stepmother is convenient shorthand - but no way would I expect my husband’s children to send me something for Mother’s Day - they have their own mother, and I have my own children.

It's completely fake.

Yanbu. She has entered your life when you’re a grown adult, she has never been a mother figure for you. Explain this to your dad and say you won’t be sending anything. Mother’s Day should definitely be all about you as a mother of a small child.
My mum remarried when I was a young adult and had already moved out of home. Consequently I have never thought of her husband as my stepdad although I guess technically he is, just because he’s never had a dad role in my life. I care a lot about him as I’ve got to know him well over the years but never send him anything on Father’s Day.

I do send a card and gift to my stepmother, but she has been a key figure in my life since I was a young child.

In your case I would probably keep the peace by sending the most generic card available- With Kind Regards On Mothering Sunday type of thing.

@TheOxfordComma YANBU

reply back to your dad, “my mum passed away. I don’t have a living mother anymore. Your wife is your wife and companion, she’s not my mother. We don’t always get what we want and never by demands or manipulation.”

be firm. Set the boundaries, manage the expectations right from the start. This is utter BS and all for a Hallmark bastardisation to sell greetings cards.

Haha, that would be a hard nope from me. She’s been married to your father a year? And he wants you to disrespect your mother’s memory by wishing this woman a Happy Mother’s Day? Absolutely not, WTAF is he thinking?

is she a mother herself?

I ended up with a stepmum and a stepdad at more or less the same time as a teenager. My stepdad was a wonderful, kind man who I loved more than my own dad (who was not a nice man) and I got him a card and presents of Father's Day. My dad remarried a version of himself, cruel and manipulative and he tried to insist we got her cards and presents on Mother's Day. Absolutely not, she had two of her own children one older and one the same age as me. They didn't even bother. Why on earth would I? He threw a temper tantrum about it and fell out with us for a while but tough. She was NOT my mum.

I’m also from Australia and I also lost my mother at the same age as you.

I’ll probably go to my mother in laws house this year and wish her happy Mother’s Day because she usually hosts and never demands anything from others. Not because I see her as any sort of maternal figure to me.

However, if my dad were to remarry (there’s no way he would) I would never ever wish that person a happy Mother’s Day. Because of the exact same reasons you’ve already stated.

This woman is not your mother. She’s someone your father was having sex with and chose to marry 12 months ago.

In my experience if I don’t want to do something I just don’t.

You don’t have to contact a woman who has no relationship to you and wish her a happy Mother’s Day. It would be like me knocking on my neighbours door and when she opens it say “happy Mother’s Day!” It’s weird because she’s not my mother. Just like this woman is not your mother.

Just have some space from your father for a bit. He’s being ridiculous.

This is your first Mother’s Day and your father is trying to make it about the woman he is sleeping with.

This is good advice. After this I suggest she just ignores her father for a bit.

"My father has asked me to extend Mother’s Day wishes to his new wife (married less than a year ago), but he hasn’t specified what he expects—perhaps a card, a phone call, or a lunch outing?"

That would elicit a 'WTF, Dad? Where are you getting this mad idea from?'

You are definitely not being unreasonable, and you should do what feels most comfortable and authentic to you. It's very unreasonable of your dad to even ask.

But.

Love doesn't divide, it grows. It sounds like she takes her role in your dad's life and therefore by proxy yours, seriously. Sending her a neutral 'On Mother's Day' card or text message takes absolutely nothing away from your mum, but might mean a lot to her.

My Dad died many years ago. My stepdad raised me and even with that in mind, I still feel a bit icky about honouring him on Father's Day. But I do because he was a brilliant Dad. I know your stepmum didn't raise you, but - she's trying to be part of your life, and unless there are other reasons why she's an absolute nightmare, you could consider opening a tiny bit of your heart to her because on the face of it, she IS trying.

Ignore this if there's wider context I've missed. And whatever you do, I hope Mother's Day isn't too hard for you.

Im a stepmum and have been for 31 years. I get a txt from my stepdaughter but i dont expect anything else, She lives over 200 miles away so we dont spend a lot of time together, But after all,,Im not her motherm

I personally wouldn't send a mother's day card to anyone who is not my mother. If she didn't raise you, she doesn't have that role. You have said you have plans with your own family, so I would just say "sorry, we have plans already for mother's day, but we could pop in for a cuppa the day before".

Your feelings are totally valid and it is perfectly ok to say "sorry dad, I just can't do that. I hope she has a nice time with her son".

My stepdaughters always gave me cards when they were kids, and as adults they always send me a mother's day message. But I brought them up. It's ridiculous for an adult with a new stepmother to be expected to do this.

My DHs children have never referred to me as step-mum, nor have I ever received nor expected a mothers day card.

I've never deemed it necessary or appropriate to even consider it.