Dad wants me to wish his new wife a Happy Mother’s Day

[TheOxfordComma]

Mother’s Day in Australia falls this Sunday.

I’m in a dilemma. My father has asked me to extend Mother’s Day wishes to his new wife (married less than a year ago), but he hasn’t specified what he expects—perhaps a card, a phone call, or a lunch outing?

My mother passed away unexpectedly eight years ago when I was almost 30. I maintain a cordial relationship with my father’s new wife, but she has not played a role in raising me at all. I see her as my dad’s new wife and not as a “stepmom”. She has an adult son with whom she gets on well. I’m married with a 14-month-old daughter and want to dedicate the day to celebrating my wife and honouring memories of my deceased mother.

Recently, my father’s wife has begun referring to herself as my “stepmum” at social gatherings, which feels uncomfortable to me. While I don’t want to upset my father, I’m reluctant to acknowledge her on Mother’s Day, as I would prefer to not have her take anything I do on that day as validation that I see her as a “mother” figure rather than my father’s new wife. Surely her own son can fulfil that role on Mother’s Day, which is what he always does for her.

YABU: Just send a text or card, for goodness’ sake.
YANBU: She’s not your mother, and you don’t need to set a precedent.

No I wouldn't be doing that. You're a grown adult, she's ever been a mother to you! I'd ignore his strange request!

IMO the age when she came into your life is relevant

my step parents have been in my life since I was 3 and therefore had input into my childhood and raising me and I get them a Mother’s Day / Father’s Day card. But here you’re in your 30s so she’s not a mother figure you have already grown up and have your only family to raise. I don’t think you should b getting her a card as much as she should be getting you one to recognise you are someone’s mother

I’d leave it or at best say hope you had a nice Mother’s Day with your son and maybe say this is what you’ve been up to this weekend etc

then I would tell your dad to back off

Does she have her own children? If so I’d send a text saying hope you are having a nice mother’s day

It is pretty insensitive of your dad to ask you this and I would let him know that.

I’d just go with I hope you have a happy Mother’s Day. It’s something I’d text a friend if I was in contact with them in that day.

I don't understand all the gymnastics PP are suggesting you do by sending a card from your DC but not from you, by sending a carefully worded text that says happy Mother's Day but doesn't, by doing a facetime acknowledging Mother's Day but not actually wishing her Mother's day etc.

From your OP you were almost 30 when your DM passed away and therefore you are now almost 38. Your Dad's wife has been married to your Dad for less than a year.

She is technically and really is your Dad's wife, not your step-mom. Seeing her as your Dad's wife does not mean you like or love her less. But she's not your mom unless she has been doing mom things for you which you haven't included in your OP.

You don't need to do all those gymnastics if you don't want too.
You don't have to wish her a Happy Mother's Day (as your step-mom or not as your step-mom) if you don't want too.

She's been married to your Dad for less than a year. You are an almost 38 year old adult, I don't understand your Dad.

I agree with OP and would go as far as correcting her every time she refers to herself as a stepmum

Step parenting implies a level of parenting that would likely have involved assisting with raising OP as a child and custody arrangements. This is not the case when marrying a partner with adult children.

She’s and your dad are being quite insensitive at what is presumably a difficult day for OP given the loss of her own mother.

I agree with this approach.

You're just wishing her a happy day - a bit like my sister, friends and I send WhatsApp greetings on Mothers Day to each other.

I’d do this but also speak to your dad and say that you’re too old to have a step-mother and that the repeated references to step-mother are making you feel uncomfortable.

No. If you do it this year, you will have to do it every year. Just tell your dad that she’s not your mum, she has played no part in raising you, so it would be inappropriate.

OP hasn’t mentioned that her dad’s wife wishes OP a generic happy Mother’s Day over the years, so presumably the dad’s wife is seeking one way validation from OP for a maternal honour she hasn’t earned

Her son should be wishing her a happy Mother’s Day, not you. Your dad is being odd and insensitive.

I’m really surprised at the amount of people saying to send her a card as it’s absolutely bonkers to me.

@Tourmalines is not even Mother’s Day here in Oz for another 2 days; if you’re working with member of the public how do they know you have children?

I send fathers day cards/gifts to my SD but he raised me from being 3.

I never really had much to do with my step mum who was married to my SD. I never sent her a mothers day card. If I had a better relationship with my dad though, I would have sent a step mum card and that would have been it.

because we strike up conversations and they know that I do .

DH texts his step mom “ hope you had a lovely Mother’s Day” or something like that. Acknowledging it, but implying that she is his mother (his dad remarried when he was already an adult)

Is it a cultural thing in Australia as it seems very odd to me over here even as a sort of step mum.

I met DH when his lads were teens and their mum had passed away several years before that. I love the boys to bits and their families too, but I’m not really their step mum although I am a granny to their kids and they encouraged that.

When it’s Mother’s Day here, I expect them to take out their partners and for me to get a card from my own son. I’d find it really weird if the lads started sending me Mother’s Day cards as I’ve never been their mum.

Are you in the UK or Australia? Do you see much of her?
I wouldn't send one,especially if I was in the UK, because mothers day is in March and I'm a pedantic sod.

Madness! It's fine to send a card to someone who is a mother-figure in your life, but not your mother; however your father's wife of less than a year, when you are 38, clearly doesn't occupy this position and probably never will, no matter how cordial your relationship.

Has your father considered how his wife’s son might feel if you start acknowledging her as a mother figure in your life? If you need a way not to upset him when refusing to acknowledge her in that way, then maybe point out to your dad that you don’t want to disrespect their mother-son relationship by stepping into that dynamic.

My dad passed away 13 years ago and my Mum remarried a few years ago. I once heard him refer to himself as my stepdad and did not like it or agree although I didn’t say anything. I explained to my mum at some point that I’m far too old to see him as any form of step dad (I’m nearly 42).

In some ways I probably feel a bit bad for that as he’s a nice person and always very willing to help whenever needed. I just see him as my Mums husband.

However my Mum is now the only surviving grandparent and was very keen for him to be grandad to our child. I struggled with this a bit at the start but from our child’s perspective we want her to have a grandad and from his point of view it’s nice to feel included when you’re doing the grandparent things. It’s hard though.

Id have a quiet word with your Dad and explain your feelings. YANBU.

I've been a stepmum since my gorgeous DSS was 3 he is now 28. I would never ever expect any mothers day anything. His mum was his mum and always will be.

YANBU and need to have a polite word with your dad about how you feel and that, as much as you like her and are happy for him, you will not be able to think of someone who has come into your adult life so recently as a mother figure.

He needs to stop with this ridiculous pressure.

I’ve got a good relationship with my step child, I’ve known them since they were 5, now late 20s, they’ve been quite a big part of my life but lived mostly with their mum with us having weekends, after school some days and some holidays. I would never expect anything for Mother’s Day. They’ve now got a child who calls me Nanna and I receive a card from them which is really lovely but I would not expect or mind if I didn’t receive it.

If it makes you feel better and keeps peace with your dad you could do a happy Mother’s Day card from your whole family or just your child if there’s a relationship there?