Apparently I’m attention seeking

[PooStep]

Currently on holiday with DH, MIL, FIL, SIL and her husband.
Before we even got here they had all been going on about this specific breakfast in the specific restaurant that is a local speciality. It was decided we would go there on our first morning and get this item.
So first morning, this item is mentioned again and they’re all excited about getting it. The way they were going on I was assuming this item was all they sold in the morning so I said too I was up for trying it.

We got to the restaurant- sat down and FIL told the waitress we wanted 6 of said item. I then said “actually, I wouldn’t mind having a Quick Look at the menu?”. I saw MIL roll her eyes and I’m pretty sure SIL pulled a face too but can’t be certain. DH then whispered to me “don’t start this now for gods sake” !? Was asking for the menu really so bad? I’d noticed as we walked in that everyone was eating different things so clearly there was more on offer than this one item. I ended up choosing something different, I didn’t realise however that mine would take longer to arrive so I was sat without anything while they all ate theirs. SILs husband did say “shall we wait until Poostep’s arrives?” And MIL said “no I don’t think so, we came in for these didn’t we, I don’t want mine going cold”. So they all ate. Mine arrived 15 minutes later and naturally I was sat eating on my own after they all finished.
later DH asked me if I was going to be seeking attention throughout the holiday. So were they right to be annoyed?

Again, you take a very, very specific situation and talk in generalities.

I had a diva for a SiL, though as a family I suspect we are far more laid-back than OP's PiL. She made everything a more complicated than it needed to be in a hundred little ways that, added together, gave the impression that everything had to revolve around her.

We'd agree to find a cafe for a quick coffee and a sandwich and she would take ages over the menu and then, when we'd all ordered our cold food, order the two-course special of the day and eat each course slowly when it arrived (and expect my parents to pick up the bill). One year we had a lovely villa outside Granada and booked timed tickets for visiting the Alhambra, so had all agreed to be ready to catch the local bus into the city at 9.30am. At 9.30 she swanned down with wet hair and started to make a cooked breakfast. When my mum said 'I thought we'd agreed we'd all be ready to leave at 9.30?' she pretended she wasn't aware of it. She couldn't possibly leave the house without breakfast and doing her hair. We left her and DB behind to come on in their own time, and she was incandescent that she and DB were refused entry when they arrived late. DB used to apologise for her: he could see how her behaviour put everyone on edge.

We solved the problem by not inviting her and my DB again: apparently she was really offended, but DB could see that she was annoying. They divorced a few years later and DB now refers to her as The Narcissist.

The OP obviously has control issues (not telling us the mystery breakfast is another example) and her ILs do too. She’s purposely going out of her way to push against the controllers by being stubborn and defiant to piss them off.

I’m sure they’ll be many other examples of this during the holiday…..the last holiday she’s invited to. 😂

I’ve got a friend like this. Unlike op, their issue is ocd; but it does get tiresome and if they don’t actually have an allergy/ocd etc, I can see why her DH is saying can you not just try to go with the flow a bit.

An example would be our family camping holiday. We always load up the car and then go for drive through McDonald's breakfast. Everyone has the same order because it's quick and saves the faff when we want to get going. DD's partner now comes with us, so it's 5 of the same. I think I be a bit FFS if he wanted to get out and go in so he could peruse the menu. It's just not how we do it.

@MrTiddlesTheCat .You'd be upset with someone wanting something different at McDonalds?

Glad I'm not in your family! I don't like eggs or McDs breakfasts, what are you supposed to do if you actually just don't like it. I suppose I could have a burger for breakfast

OP - you could end up like this if you don’t stop putting yourself first and centre.

All those saying there must be more to it....yea because no-ones DH has ever exaggerated and been a prick and claimed their DW is BU when she's not 🙄

So what? It really doesn’t matter. The ILs didn’t lovingly prepare breakfast. It was a choice from a menu in a cafe.

Are you expected to come on this holiday, OP? What would happen if you suggested your DH went by himself on any future holidays with the ILs?

As soon as my kids are old enough, I'm waving them away with DH on his own to the ILs.

I can't believe you are insisting on missing the point completely.

...and family routines need to evolve as in-laws start to join. It's a bit rigid to expect a new family member to step into all your old family traditions.

Yup, this would absolutely be me because I can't stand being late for anything or keeping others waiting. I have a friend, however, who I joke would be late for her own funeral (actually, she won't be because I'll arrange it! 😂 ) - she simply don't seem to recognise (or care about) the effect her tardiness has on a larger group. 🙄

It’s not the wanting something different it’s the faff of the menu stopping the flow.

So if op ordered 4 breakfast wraps and the chap goes mines a double sausage muffin please. Fine. If he goes oh I want to go in and look at the menus it’s waiting around for one individual to just bloody pick a simple food.

🎯

And it’s a behavioural attitude that gets fed and fuelled by the application of concepts such as misogny that in fact have nothing to do with it in 90 percent of cases.

There’s a whole sector of society that applauds being a pita.

Except no.

"We've been here before, come have the speciality, it's great"
"OK, yes, that sounds good, we'll all go have that"
Later
"Oh, eggs and chips on the menu? Oh, I might want the eggs and chips instead, just wait while I have a look.. I have to eat exactly what I fancy right now"

I get that you don't see the problem. The OP doesn't see it either. That's fine. You carry on.

I'm torn ... and I'd love to hear the other side.

The breakfast thing, I was kind of with you. I hate people deciding/ordering for me (even if i do end up having the same as everyone else).

But the other examples have started to make me think you might be prone to PDA to make a point. That might be what your husband means by attention seeking.

You didn't want the pineapple drink but took "a few minutes" to decide on something different. That ought to have literally taken seconds. I'm not surprised they got fed up waiting for you to finish faffing.

The day out thing sounds very annoying of you. You were told that the plan was to leave "early" but didn't ask what time. Perhaps you were making a point that they should communicate this to you specifically? By the time you got out of the shower they were already waiting/wanting to leave and you insisted they wait even longer so you could faff with your hair and coffee. Seriously, none of them would care if your hair looked frizzy and if it was important to you why didn't yoy establish the leaving time so you could schedule in sufficient time to deal with your unruly mop? I'm someone who is often running late/rushing and I would have yelled for my husband to please bring me a coffee while in the shower so I could gulp it down while dressing and been willing to go out with wet hair/plonk a sunhat on. Job done.

To be fair to you I think your husband is being a bit divisive and siding with his family rather than helping you fit in. For example I think he could have told you the specific leaving time - the others seem to have had an unspoken understanding of a precise time referred to as "early" but you may not. To me early on holiday is 9-10am. To others it might be 6-7am! And my husband would have brought me a cup of tea/coffee upstairs to help chivvy me along as he knows I can't go anywhere until I've had my first tea of the day.

My son's girlfriend came to stay for a week recently and we did a couple of days out and ran into these sort of issues. I bit my tongue as I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or excluded but I did start to discreetly ask my son to make sure she knew when we had to leave and that she would have comfy shoes if we were walking anywhere etc. Managing expectations helps things to run smoothly!

I'm not sure OP is being totally clear, and is trying to avoid answering some things to make it look like she's being reasonable

In the cafe, did she wait until everyone had ordered and then request a menu? Or request the menu before the order was placed.

A few minutes to choose a mocktail? Unreasonable

Getting a coffee while people are waiting to leave? Unreasonable

It would be if this was an isolated incident. Unpardonably rude as well as batshit.

But OP’s follow-up posts suggest a pattern of behaviour which involves agreeing to things in advance, changing her mind at the 11th hour and holding other people up.

I still don’t think that ‘attention-seeking’ is the most appropriate descriptor, but OP’s husband presumably knows her better than anyone here.

@Lnew

OP - you could end up like this if you don’t stop putting yourself first and centre.

I don't. I go with the flow on a family holiday. It's a family holiday. It doesn't work if everyone is determined to do exactly what they want every day.

Sounds like my team dynamics at work!!

I've just read this out to my hubby and he said no your not you can drink and eat what you want it's your holiday to I'd be doing my own thing and your hubby is a dick

We did camping as a huge family group one year. Never again. So much waiting around for everyone else to get their arses in gear and decide if they wanted to come on our stuff or was doing something else. Just paying to wait and wait.

No they don't.

My in-laws retain all their old traditions. I adhere to them when I am the odd one out, with them.

Most of the time, I am not with them. If I don't want to do what they do, I don't go. I don't go and insist they change.

My nuclear family has its own new traditions that they are not a part of.

My DH's family is a bit like this. They are nice people and make the effort to spend time together as a family, so going on holidays, events etc. There is absolutely an expectation though that everyone falls in line with what the group is doing. Very often for example, they'll order Chinese food in, which I personally don't like very much. I could order something different, but I don't, I just eat what I can - it's only one meal and it keeps everything running smoothly, everyone happy etc, no dramas. If I know that they are going to be ordering a Chinese takeaway, I'll often make sure I eat a big lunch or whatever beforehand so I'm not starving hungry. I don't draw attention to this though and tell everyone, or sit there not eating, I just get on with it. Sure, if it was constant it's not doable, but every now and then for the sake of just making things a bit easier I think it's worth it.