Apparently I’m attention seeking

[PooStep]

Currently on holiday with DH, MIL, FIL, SIL and her husband.
Before we even got here they had all been going on about this specific breakfast in the specific restaurant that is a local speciality. It was decided we would go there on our first morning and get this item.
So first morning, this item is mentioned again and they’re all excited about getting it. The way they were going on I was assuming this item was all they sold in the morning so I said too I was up for trying it.

We got to the restaurant- sat down and FIL told the waitress we wanted 6 of said item. I then said “actually, I wouldn’t mind having a Quick Look at the menu?”. I saw MIL roll her eyes and I’m pretty sure SIL pulled a face too but can’t be certain. DH then whispered to me “don’t start this now for gods sake” !? Was asking for the menu really so bad? I’d noticed as we walked in that everyone was eating different things so clearly there was more on offer than this one item. I ended up choosing something different, I didn’t realise however that mine would take longer to arrive so I was sat without anything while they all ate theirs. SILs husband did say “shall we wait until Poostep’s arrives?” And MIL said “no I don’t think so, we came in for these didn’t we, I don’t want mine going cold”. So they all ate. Mine arrived 15 minutes later and naturally I was sat eating on my own after they all finished.
later DH asked me if I was going to be seeking attention throughout the holiday. So were they right to be annoyed?

I agree with this. It does change the vibe. Everyone was clearly really excited to try the churros or whatever it was then OP has to last minute say, no I want something else. I imagine they thought OP was pissing on their chips. Would it have really been a big deal for OP to try the speciality with everyone else, just that once. Similar thing happened on our Xmas team lunch. We'd all booked a carvery then when we arrived one woman was oh I think I'll look at the menu. Cue us all sat waiting while she perused the menu then sat waiting till her meal arrived when we all just wanted to get up and go to the carvery as planned. Then she moaned about her bloody meal when it eventually arrived. Similar to what happened here. It's that saying 'there is always one' The eye rolling and saying to OP 'don't start' makes me think she is always that one. The bloody awkward one. Even the pineapple crush story. Everyone just saw one, was ooh shall we try one, intending to grab one and continue walking but OP couldn't do that, had to stop and look through a menu and wait for something else. OP sounds a pita tbh.

It sounds very controlling and that they don’t like you having your own opinion. You are entitled to eat what you want, when you want. I wouldn’t be going on holiday with them again. I fail to see how this is “attention seeking” either. That’s such a strange phrase to use for this situation. Had he said “are you going to be awkward” or “difficult” I could get that, but he would still be wrong! But “attention seeking” naaaa he’s trying to say something else with this phrase. That’s something you would say to someone who was crying or dancing on a table or something. Not choosing a different food item. Like wtf

Honestly does it actually matter? Would you need an entire board meeting about something like this? She asked for a menu, she didn’t set the place on fire.

It sounds like you lack a 'herd instinct'. When with a group, the natural thing is to fall into line. However, you follow a different path.

No individual instinct is that bad, but for others, it is the difference between herding sheep and herding cats. And that can be deeply annoying for the others and leave you on the outside and not understanding why.

The point of the holiday is to have a communal experience and to connect with the family.

It sounds like for you the point of the holiday is to try new things. These are very different mindsets.

I’m still on the YANBU side in regards to the breakfast/ pineapple drink. The not being ready in the morning is not acceptable but then did they tell you a time or did the assume you’re a mind reader?

Oh dear. You are on someone else's holiday with tried and tested ways and routines by the sound of it.

In some ways I get it, for example when partner and I go to 1 specific resort we always stop en route from airport at the same cafe. It's become our tradition and feels like the holiday has started. If you were with me and said...'let's go here instead' I'd feel a little miffed as I'd love to show you our special place.

They sound rather overbearing though. However it feels OH isn't communicating plans to you either.

Not me, tbh they all sound even worse weird needy bullying pricks after op's updates (assuming they didn't all agree a time for that day out thing and op blatantly ignored it)

Actually, it's not speculation. A PP posted "Too hard to call this one. If the place is famous for its cinnamon buns and you ordered a full English (for example), maybe they have a point ..." and OP replied "Yes ok this is a very similar scenario so maybe I was wrong on this occasion."

No, you're not getting it.

This was an offer of come out with us and have this thing.

She could have said no; she said yes.

When she got there she faffed about and had something else, simply because she saw a menu and had to "have a quick look" because her choice, based on no information at all, had to trump that of the people who invited her, despite them having been there before.

She then gets upset with them for not waiting for her.

I can't help you any more in seeing how this feels for the people who have taken her there in the first place.

Nobody is sulking about her eating something else. They are annoyed that they all went somewhere for a quick breakfast on the first day of their holiday, OP ordered something elaborate that took so long to make it wasn’t ready til 15 mins after they finished eating and then got sulky they didn’t wait and let their food go cold or wait for her to eat her food when they’d already been hanging around.

If everyone is having a cheese sandwich and OP said “actually I think I’ll have a ham croissant”, nobody would give a shit. If everyone else is ordering a cheese sandwich and OP is ordering steak frites then everybody else is being inconvenienced by her choices.

I feel for your DH to be honest, and can understand why he is getting frustrated and that potentially leading to him being rude or unsupportive. He's in a really tricky position - he can see you pissing his family off, and he also understands exactly what it means to them that you aren't able to join in and find some kind of alignment with ways of being together that they care about. So I'm sure he cares about you and your feelings, but he also cares about theirs, and at the moment you are being the disruptor and the one who's putting everyone else on edge. So he must feel guilty, and a bit ashamed, and disloyal to you if he agrees with them, and disloyal to them if he supports you. It's a rotten place for him to be in.

Oh mine too but it’s different when it’s your own family. When it’s your in-laws or just not your own family it’s a different vibe.

To be honest I think both parties are wrong. In-laws gor being so inflexible snd OP for not reading the room on more than one occasion (which you should if someone else is paying).

If you want to dance to the beat of your own drum then don’t go on a holiday paid for by someone else holiday as it’s their drum not yours (which is why I didn’t do it again myself).

This. Plus, OP is a bit self centred and inflexible. It wouldn’t hurt to compromise sometimes with husband’s family

I do feel for you. Holidays, in my opinion, should never, ever involve in-laws. They simply can't be trusted to behave reasonably or considerately at any time. This is not because they are particularly difficult or unpleasant people - it is more that the boundaries between family groups are not clearly drawn and people's social defences are sent haywire. My policy would be to stick with what, objectively, is reasonable to you and would be if you were at home with your family. Hope for the best!

Agree here. Now I’ve read the updates I have to say, I’d be more worried I’ve caused an atmosphere and try to course correct it rather than drip feeding into on a MN thread, asking if IABU.

The family and holiday sounds like my worst nightmare. I’m the opposite of a get up and go person, I like a slow morning and the rushing out the door for breakfast buns and people having the same food and same drinks later, would be odd to me. I don’t like a lot of sugar, so I would not want say a cinnamon bun for breakfast and pineapple drink for the sake of it. But I’d have one or the other as I would have long picked up the signals that they were getting fed up of me. I’d have ordered the buns and just said no to mocktail, not order anything at all.

But, these people aren’t backward about coming forward and they are letting it be known very clearly they don’t like what they’re seeing. So course correct, get in line and don’t go again. My biggest concern is DH not prepping you within an inch of your life what they’re like. Of course if you’ve only holiday’d with your family and friends, you do things differently.

No, because I’m a grown up and will eat what I fancy. It’s why cafes have menus.

Oh dear. The hair and coffee is really bad on your part OP. You're on holiday and to you that means that you can do whatever you like whenever you like. In a group, in practice that means lots of people waiting around for the slowest person to catch up, which is winding up the ILs because they are stood there waiting for you. My DH is a faffer, but we trained him now; he's given a time and he'll be ready for that time or max a few minutes after. You need to learn to ask for a time and stick to it. Menus you need to limit reading time to 2 minutes maximum, look them up in advance if you want a leisurely read. Take a day or two just with DH where you do everything back at faff pace, but keep up when you're with the full group.

Sometimes in a group setting, op, people just decide to go with the flow a bit. It does grate when there is one person who always has to send the motion spinning in a different direction. What’s happening is fine for everyone … but it never works for him/her.

I’ve got a friend like this who has ocd. Maybe the air con is going to aggravate their sinus so could we all sit outside? Oh but they do have fair skin. Maybe inside is more shaded. Salad is nice, although the risk is, what did they wash the leaves in? Best to ask … which makes the waiter go away to do so and we all now wait to place our order. I understand it’s hard for them to relax and join in; but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t become a dampener.

It sounds pretty clear your ILs feel this way about flowing with a group, so I don’t really understand why you are stubbing your toe on it at each opportunity. You have every other day this year to order exactly what you want. It does sound as though you have a reputation in the family for this so I’m not sure why you are playing up to it - and it sounds as if your DH thinks the same.

Absolutely. I'm just saying that saying "go without me" is a perfectly valid choice. She doesn't seem to do that though. She goes, and makes it difficult.

I voted YANBU after your first post but you lost me when they were all ready and you expected them to wait for you to dry your hair and have a coffee. Not sure I would call it attention-seeking, but it is somewhat self-centred.

It does seem that your choices involve other people waiting around for you. That very quickly gets tired. Approach the next day with consideration for the others around you (ie don't do things that involve expecting the others to hang around for you), and see how it goes.

You would annoy the crap out of me I'm afraid.

Op you are the difficult one here. I know exactly the person you are.
you know when you set off on a trip and then everyone has to stop because of that one person who suddenly needs the toilet when they just left home.
or the person who wants to look at something quickly while everyone else has a plan?
that person

The don’t start this now comment from husband is telling.
It sounds like you have form for it. It’s not the individual incidents it’s just the fact it’s always you.
A relative is similar she’ll never alter. We had a weekend away. Lots of thought put into it to ensure suitable/needs accomodated. At every meal she was wanting to move table, ordered extra drink and pastry at breakfast when everyone else finished and sat waiting, nice relaxing time by pool and she was going on and on about a minor thing ruining mood, lots more examples.

My ILs are a bit like this. It's their way or the highway. They'll faff around half the morning doing nothing much but when they decide it's time to leave, god forbid you've grabbed the moment to have a quick shower. They also don't really feed you when you're staying with them, but get offended if you bring your own food. Luckily, my kids don't eat all their food so I can eat their leftovers. Everyone else "goes for coffee" (and usually has sandwiches or something else) but I'm left with the kids because it's too much trouble to take them. And there's no food in the house I can really eat because everything is meant for something and "we'll be eating later". Once I ordered a pizza because I was hungry (breastfeeding) and that was A BIG DEAL because "we would have made you something if you'd asked for it". It is so tiresome.

Last time we stayed with them, I didn't have a shower for 4 days because no one would watch the kids or it was always the wrong time. I ate cereal bars in the bathroom. Tbh I just zone out during the visits now - I don't express any preferences, focus on the kids and spend a lot of time doing the Ocado shop to arrive right after we get home. It's always an especially expensive one.

I would never, never go on holiday with them.

Do you have kids, OP? It's worse when you actually have to parent around this shit because you can't just get drunk and sleep in late, and you have to make sure the kids are fed.

Following this update it sounds like you lack self awareness and probably have the tendencies to not think about other people and just focus on what works for you which doesn’t work on a group trip.

If you are constantly having an issue with timings, places, options etc it will grate on people over time. Hence their reactions.

Sounds like a touch of main character syndrome from you.