Dads staying overnight on children’s ward

[IWantAShitzu]

We are regular inpatients at our local children’s hospital due to my sons rare condition (over 60 nights spent in 6 months)

usually we end up in the same ward, which is great as the staff all know him very well and he gets great care, we usually have a side room closer to the nurses station as he can be quite high risk so they like him being near them.

most recent admission the hospital was packed and there was no space on our normal ward so we were sent to a different one, and put in a four bed room - absolutely fine these things can’t be helped.

usually when our stays are longer I stay with our boy during the week while my husband works and sorts out our other three children, and then we swap out at the weekend.

when we were on this different ward, there were no privacy curtains. I was told they had been taken down for cleaning and got damaged, there weren’t any replacements available apparently.

Apart from a couple of worrying times of viral toddlers trying to touch my baby who is very vulnerable it wasn’t too bad although I felt quite exposed sleeping in such an open space with strangers but we all got along well and it was fine.

my question is - would you have felt comfortable if you were on this open ward and I had swapped out with my husband on the weekend as we normally do? I decided to stay, as I didn’t want my husband and the other mums feeling awkward, but I was annoyed that we were put in that position, it’s exhausting being in the hospital and I didn’t see my other children for a week.

was I unreasonable to stay instead of my husband?

on the children’s ward at our local hospital the children’s ward bay curtains have pictures on them. They definitely aren’t paper.

Truthfully, like you imagined OP, my daughter doesn't like being in a four bed bay overnight with her daughter when there are men staying in the same room. There is not that much personal space and the curtains do have to stay open. So I am glad that you can consider the other side - it's very understanding of you.

My daughter has had 14 weeks in total in hospital with her child since last September. Hospital admissions are frequent and long and will continue indefinitely.

The majority of the time she's been transferred to single rooms as soon as one becomes available. She hates being in a multi bed room with men - she knows she can't complain, she just feels incredibly uncomfortable and does not sleep well (reclining chairs which go quite flat). She sleeps in her clothes and takes her daughter with her to the shared bathroom in the morning to shower and change. She absolutely understands that fathers have every right to be there but she just can't help feeling awful spending overnights in the same space as unknown men. She dreads it. She feels much more refreshed when she's in a single room - it's a stressful time being in hospital for a fortnight and it's a very long day, especially when you've not had much sleep and no privacy. She is drained by the end of the stay.

She's has to tolerate it because there's nothing she can do about it.

On one admission she'd been told that she would be on a ward with men and she asked her husband to stay over instead which he did. But by 10pm my granddaughter was up crying for mummy for most of the night. So mummy has stopped overnights since then.

DH did countless stays with our DD when I was breastfeeding DS. Never even considered that being an issue, children are always accompanied and the women there aren't vulnerable/needing privacy like they would be post op or with catheters in etc on an adult ward.

Why did this even cross your mind?

It's a tricky one. As a parent it has never even crossed my mind being an issue.

As a mum looking after my 14 yo DD for a very extended stay on children's ward it absolutely was. My DD already felt incredibly vulnerable, and she was, hardly able to walk. Having to shuffle to the toilet in front of strange men was a huge issue.

I wish there could be a high school hospital ward, I totally get the views of parents with tiny babies but it's SO different when your kids are sitting their GCSEs. I'm not sure what the answer is

To be fair, that is just the whole 'being in public hospital with your child' experience for everyone. We all hate it, it's uncomfortable, there's no privacy, we get little sleep, we have strangers around us. Because we generally have no choice but to be there because our child needs care that much, we just deal with it and feel relieved when we get home. None of that is any reason the child's other parent shouldn't be there overnight.

Going private is much better, when that is an option for things like planned admissions and someone has insurance, but it's still a noisy place with all sorts of people around. You just have a little more privacy in your own room.

We are also regular inpatients. In fact, we are in the hospital right now. I’ve often seen dads stay so I don’t think I would suddenly object if I could see them sleeping. The one and only time I had an issue was when the pull up bed of the bay next to me was put on the wrong side, meaning that our beds was touching each other. It felt like I was in the same bed as a strange man who was snoring loudly and that made me uncomfortable, but luckily they left the day after we arrived.

I suffer extreme anxiety and when my daughter is unwell find it very difficult being alone in the hospital with her, so DH has done almost all the overnight stays on the ward. Only time I’ve stayed over is when she has been in High Dependency in a side room as both parents are allowed to stay then. DH has definitely not been the only dad to stay over.

You sound very considerate of others. But I have not minded whether it is dads or mums staying when I’ve been in with my dc.
I really hope your little one is home again now

@Kirbert2my children’s hospital doesn’t have one. We were supposed to be getting one but it’s not happening yet. The accommodation is zealously controlled by PICU. So the wards don’t get a look in. We have kids from miles away. Its appalling that we don’t have better facilities.

When my then 16 year old was critically ill in an adult intensive care unit despite still being at school in year 11
I didn't care who was also on the ward I was desperately worried about my son ,the staff were great and allowed me to stay overnight with him for six nights ,not something that normally happens in and adult ICU,apparently
Honestly when your child is that Ill,it's not a time to be getting precious about wether other parents are male or female.

I would not give it a second thought. Do you think all males are a risk then? If you don’t, why would anyone else?

I don't supposedly was much fun for the father's staying either.

I absolutely wouldn't have minded at all.

Just to say, how compassionate and lovely are you, to still be thinking of others at such a difficult time. I hope your little one is okay x

No issue at all with fathers staying over in my opinion. Dads should have equal involvement in their childrens care - only way we are going to get close to equality.

Ours isn't Ronald McDonald but it's the same idea, it's opposite the children's hospital and is always in huge demand. The hospital does have some emergency accommodation in the hospital itself which we used for a few days when DS was transferred there at 4am until we got a more permanent room whilst he was in PICU.

It's for children on the wards too but PICU do get priority.

My brother is a single father, what would he be expected to do?

It's not always about risk.

I certainly didn't feel threatened by the Dad opposite me, but I just didn't feel comfortable sleeping in the same room as him. He maybe wasn't comfy with random woman opposite him either.

The reclining chairs aren't that comfy, they sort or made my skin stick and my top ride up, the blanket is static, my bra just wasn't comfy I wanted it off.

But there's a random bloke opposite me. 100% he has the same right to be there I'm not complaining about him.

I just didn't want random Dad to see the girls swinging around or being exposed with the top riding up and my static blanket.

It was the last stay my LO had, thankfully and being 100% honest I went out very soon after it and bought leggings & a long night shirt. So if he did have another stay i had comfy clothes to sleep in instead of pjs or jeans.

@x2boys

I'm not saying that being in a room with your child who happens to need to be in hospital should be fun.

I'm saying that having men sleeping in the same room, in such close proximity, makes my daughter very uncomfortable. When it's been a 4 bed bay with women, she hasn't. So the factor causing the difference is men.

It's her problem and she's forced to deal with it. Why are you invalidating how she feels with your sarcastic remark?

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche
I totally get where your DD is coming from.

@Tigergirl80 interesting. I thought fabric curtains got replaced with heavy paper ones some years ago to avoid infections etc

Sorry I’m just catching up on all the replies.

Yes, I admit I do (and probably shouldn’t) worry about what other people think. I suppose suffering two bereavements and then almost losing my baby have affected me massively and I need to work on myself.

I really appreciate all the kind comments - my boy is currently doing well and is the happiest little baby, he has a rare genetic disorder that means he will pass away during childhood. It’s been a lot for us to deal with as a family but he’s bringing us all so much joy xx

If there is adequate staff about then it’s acceptable. Not ideal but children have a right to have their fathers there too!

mainly I think staff need to remove men who are intimidating the women. I was recently on a maternity ward with an aggressive man on the other side of the curtain. He was verbally abusive to his partner, watching loud videos all night and making loud phone calls then snoring for hours followed by complaining about how he can’t sleep in this shit hole. He helped himself to the breakfast for the new mothers, even sat there taking up space so the mothers couldn’t access their breakfast. All the women around were clearly uncomfortable I can’t imagine no one complaining and yet the staff were clearly terrified of him too and so just let him act that way. He should have been removed.

it’s changed my feelings on men in women and children’s wards. Decent men absolutely should be there but having been abused I found that man terrifying and wouldn’t know if a decent man was decent or not. We can’t keep out all men as that’s not fair on the women and children who would benefit from their support. So to me the solution is adequate staffing and power to remove men who do not behave with respond compassion. Which obviously won’t happen as there isn’t the staffing these days to meet the care needs of patients let alone to police the behaviour of their visitors

Bless him and you. That's a hard card to have been dealt.

You have to do what is right for you and your family and if that means Dad stays with your DS and you have time at home that's what you do.

@Burntt
I think childrens wards are a completely different issue to Maternity Wards.

No men should be over night on a Maternity ward, esp when it's a room with multiple beds.