To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

Do you want another child?

Have you read her posts?

Why is it?

Putting the existing children first.

I totally understand regrets and ambivalence over life decisions but as a retired psychotherapist and counsellor my very strong opinion is that the worst thing you can do for your children is for parents to split up and then reunite. Once you have split you need to stick with that.

its hard for any child when the family unit splits. It's often the best possible thing but it's still difficult but they can eventually learn to absorb the split and move on in an altered but secure space.

I can't begin to estimate how more damaging is for a child to suffer, start the healing process only to rejoice at a reconciliation and then be hammered by another split later. How can they ever be secure when their parents can't be relied on to make life changing decisions and then stick with them?

I agree.

OP I understand that you always wanted a third child but surely not in circumstances like this?
Of course this is 100% your choice, but are you thinking rationally here as a baby atm sounds like a recipe for utter chaos?
How will you manage for money? How will you manage for space? How will you manage with childcare when you go back to work? How will you manage with your already resentful DS's likely attitude. How will your noise sensitive DD deal with a baby in the house?
I too would have loved a third child and when I accidentally became pregnant I was desperate to keep it. However I too was in an albeit different messy situation. I had one older DD who was living part of the time with her F but didn't want to and a younger DD with ASD who was struggling. A baby would have been totally unfair on my existing children so I took the difficult decision to have a termination. I was incredibly sad but I got over it because I knew it was the responsible thing to do and definitely the best thing for my existing DDs. I have not regretted the decision but I am still sad about it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Did you stay in the relationship or go alone?

Thanks so much for your long reply

I hear you saying you want another child but you have to focus on the ones you do have. Your son isn’t taking the current situation well - telling him you’re pregnant to a man he’s not met could be the final straw. I’ve been in a similar situation past divorce and so glad I didn’t have the child as my existing child’s mh got worse without the complication of a sibling..

I think make one decision at a time. Trying to sort it all out in one go is overwhelming. You have wanted another baby for a long time, you say here that you don’t want to terminate this pregnancy , so that is decision 1. If that feels like what you want, then you can start to think of that part as a given, and think about how to proceed.
First of all in your place I would tell your boyfriend. Postpone your talk with your ex. To me, it sounds as though reconciliation with your ex won’t work, you’ve tried for so long that it seems a non starter, plus he would need to be willing to live with you all plus the new baby.
Really it’s for you and your boyfriend to talk about how best to make this work . It takes two people to make a baby, the weight of it all shouldn’t be on you.

My thoughts entirely. Your son’s likely to be devastated by the arrival of a new baby.

Totally agree. Existing children take priority.

Considering there are 5 children already involved in this mess.

Two on your side already struggling in different ways and three on the other side who obviously have their own issues. Throw in the fact neither parent is known to the other kids, I wouldn't continue the pregnancy in your circumstances.

Blended families are difficult. There is so much emotion, resentment, jealousy and that's in fairly somewhat functional ones. Adding a new child into the mix of all this is unfair on everyone.

The new man can't be there for you with a new baby, you have two children who have reacted completely differently to your separation and need support. And that's without how this is going to impact on their father.

Personally for me, the responsibility I have to the children I already have has always been the deciding factor if I decided to countinue another pregnancy.

Did I have the emotional, physical, financial means to meet everything I needed to plus take on more.

And as sad as it might make me, I wouldn't need to think twice in deciding this wasn't what was best for the kids I had in your situation.

I’ve alienated a lot of friends so have nobody to turn to now

OP, if you go through with this pregnancy, you may possibly have nobody, not even ds, dd, ex and current, to turn to, except the baby. You will be putting your selfish desire for a baby above everyone and you got them into this mess to begin with.

Sorry, but I am not sympathetic and not surprised your friends have had enough.

Congratulations on your new baby. Irrespective of the muddle, it sounds as he/she is a much longed for baby.

Circumstances always sort themselves out so concentrate on looking after yourself and your baby first and foremost.

Op this is not about you, please think of the children!

@MaddieInAmess
OP, I didn't find your original post confusing, I absolutely understand you.
Well done for applying the brakes to your exh's suggestion he should move back in. Personally, I think it's guilt as to why you believe you were missing him, there must have been some good days, but as a previous poster has said, you must have had good reasons to separate. Also it sounds as if you feel really guilty regarding your DS and his relationship with his Dad, who he clearly loves. I agree with the poster who says write all the reasons down why you split, they are still valid, and you should not go back for reasons of nostalgia, believe me I've been there.
Your DS could spend more time with his dad, although it sounds as if your DD is quite indifferent to the separation. Remember you have tried your best to make this marriage work, and you sound like a good mum. Are you going to tell the new man about the pregnancy at your next meeting with him? Maybe you should tell your kids about the baby asap, I don't think your son will hate you, he will be surprised, and both kids will have to get used to the idea. Best wishes about the baby

If DD is incredibly noise sensitive and DS wouldnt cope with a new man moving in due to his feelings about his dad then it may be worth reflecting on how they would respond to a new baby?

I am very much someone who would lean a lot towards keeping an accidental pregnancy, but in this situation I think the impact on your existing children is very important to consider.

My children choose to spend a lot less time at their dads house since he had a baby, they don't like the noise and the chaos (and they are not particularly noise sensitive)

Maybe you should tell your kids about the baby asap

Terrible idea. She may have a miscarriage or termination and shouldn’t tell anyone except the prospective father until they’ve decided where they’re going with this. Personally I think having this baby would be the height of selfishness.

Circumstances always sort themselves out so concentrate on looking after yourself and your baby first and foremost.

You know, unfortunately, circumstances don't sort themselves out. Not by themselves. Read some threads on here by women who grew up in chaotic circumstances with blended dysfunctional families, step parents who didn't like them etc etc. If mumsnet taught me anything it is that circumstances sort themselves out for those who take control of those circumstances.

The OP has more than the fetus to consider. She has two existing children who are already struggling - as she herself and their father is.

People make good choices and bad choices and when you are a parent those choices affect your children too.

Regarding your DS feelings... you say he would never accept you having another relationship... But that is now.
Your split was relatively recent.. but it doesn't mean he can't see his dad. His dad is living nearby. He's still only 13, but having the reassurance of seeing his Dad regularly will help. Maybe he will get used to the new routine.

Also, I don't think at just 41 (which is still young!) that splitting with your exDH means you can never have another relationship. You and your new partner were not thinking of setting up together immediately - at least 3 years have been mentioned. A lot can happen in 3 years... your son will start to become more independent and more focused on his own life.

I think your twins will realise that you are there for them and a constant in their lives, however difficult the split was. It sounds like you were doing the majority of the parenting and that will most likely continue, so they know you have their interests at heart. Your DD already appreciates that there is less of an atmosphere in the house. Your ex DH is nearby to see them too.

The first immediate priority is your pregnancy rather than whether you want to continue with either relationship. Wishing you all the best OP.

The reason you feel confused about your Exh is because your son is finding it hard to adjust to the breakup.You feel guilty and blame yourself, plus just want to make him feel better, you know your Ex unhappy living with his mum but You split up for valid reasons and you know getting back with Ex would be a mistake.
The new man was a distraction from you feeling guilty about your son’s unhappiness, you feel lonely so meeting a man who can’t commit due to his own family set up was ideal. You could see him when your kids were sleeping out and keep him a secret as it would’ve distressed your son more.
You’re pregnant and want the baby but you have to accept you will be a single parent to it, Ex didn’t want a third child and would resent another man’s baby and your new man is just a casual relationship. He has other children, he wouldn’t leave his daughter to live with you in three years, she might not leave home till she’s late 20’s, plus his other two might want to live with him. Your son is more likely to accept the baby without its dad tbh.

I was conceived through bad circumstances but I’m still glad to be alive.

The new growing life inside of her is an existing child.

I'd tell them both, come clean. Your ds will warm up to the new baby or not? There is a massive age gap. Just tell everyone now.

yeah me too. I wouldn't have known if she had decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy because I wasn't an actual person at the time.

I'm glad to be alive - in the way everyone is -but if my 17 year old mother had access to a different choice that wouldn't have affected her life the way my birth did - well I certainly wouldn't judge.

Too many men in your life and not enough time to sort things out for yourself.
Do you have a sister?
A close friend?
Someone you know well and who knows you well who you could confide in?