To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

He's living a half life with his mother rather than making his own way in the world. I would struggle to have respect for him as he has just moved back home.

What an absolutely horrible attitude. The man no longer has his wife, his children or his home and you’re criticising him for moving back in with his parents? Not everyone can afford a new place when they split up. Maybe he should have set up a tent somewhere. Jeez.

No it’s not.

It’s practical, reasonable, mature and puts the well-being of her twins first. Who should come first in all this.

It’s dreadful the amount of people totally disregarding two 13 year olds. One highly struggling with the divorce of his parents and the other one who has SEN and noise sensitivities.

Their needs and support for them should come first, not the OP’s love/sex life and her desires for another child.

I am going to type this then swiftly change my username. @MaddieInAmess if you really want to reunite with your ex and there are no glaringly obvious physical differences, could you engineer sleeping with your ex and passing the baby off as his?

I know it’s not great but with poor sperm motility there was a chance you’d need a donor anyway and you said your ex had agreed to a new baby? I would only suggest this if you really would like to get you back together.

Going to duck now.

FFS 🙄

Her ex-H is emotionally manipulating their young son!

What a catastrophically STUPID and immature piece of “advice”.

Shameful.

Then he’d attend a scan and realise she’s a liar. Great plan.

I agree with this fwiw. I don't think OP is ignoring her kids (though other posters are worryingly breezy about them..) However I do worry that she is not parenting them responsibly.

Why?

I totally appreciate this is OP's decision, but she needs to make it rationally, and not using emotion.

Based on what the OP has said
pros to having a baby - she wants one
cons to having a baby- negative impacts on her existing children; unclear how she will cope practically and emotionally with being a single mother (which will be the reality)

That's leaving the two men out of the equation because as OP says they only make it even more "messy".

I don't think the OP's desire to have a child outweighs the practical considerations. If she is happy that there will be no significant impact on her existing children and that she is able to look after a baby alongside her two teens, then absolutely she could go forward with the pregnancy.

I think both you and your boyfriend should consider the stability and emotional wellbeing of your already existing children and prioritise them rather than bringing an unplanned baby into a situation that is so complicated and unstable.

Your DC have been through their parents separation. Your DS has clearly been deeply affected by this.

Do you really, hand on heart, think for one second think that it's going to be a positive thing for your boy to be told he's getting a new half sibling whose dad he hasn't even met?

Prioritise your existing kids, not your love life.

Jesus, what a mess indeed... a mess of your own making BTW. What I say will be seen as bad/controversial, but have you considered sleeping with your ex, lying to him it's his, and gluing your family back together? You've already destroyed lives of 4 people, this is I think the only way of "fixing" it.
Also, I didn't get why you left your DH after so many years... it looks like it was a premature decision hence you're regretting it, and the "grass is always greener".

Hi, I was in an almost identical situation to you! I really feel your pain! I was in a long term relationship with my ex, had 2 children together.oldest was just turning 18 when we split and is on autistic spectrum.
Ex showed every sign for Autism but never tried to get a diagnosis, he was also emotionally unavailable. We eventually split, I hadn't been happy for years, I knew it would impact the children so I stayed unhappy for such a long time thinking it was in children's best interest but i was so unhappy.
He moved with his mum too after the split and is still there.
After we split I met someone else, and got a surprise pregnancy a few months before turning 40. I'd always wanted another baby so bad but I knew my oldest would leave for sure if I went through with it. It was mentally exhausting going back and forth overthinking every outcome , I knew I wanted the baby but I really didn't want to lose my oldest child either.
I couldn't mentally go through an abortion and I knew I wanted the baby badly, so I had the conversation with my oldest. They took it badly and they did move out, but we still have a relationship, and at 18, I guess a lot of children will move away anyway, doesn't make it any easier I know, they've even met the baby 1 year on.
I'm trying desperately to give the little one a sibling but I count myself lucky I was able to have 1 at my age and am trying to accept it probably won't happen again.
I could have had an abortion, got back with my ex and avoided all the agony, but I'd be living an even more miserable life than before, in an unhappy relationship, knowing I'd killed my baby and probably the chance to have another. I know i made the right choice now.
Sorry for huge post, I don't know if I helped in any way but just know it gets easier and having a beautiful toddler definitely makes it all worthwhile!

OP has stated she wants to continue her pregnancy. If you want to express your disagreement to her, then by the same logic you would agree it's okay for people to tell a woman wanting to abort a pregnancy that she shouldn't.
It goes both ways. Let's just respect the choice OP has made regarding her body and baby. Isn't that what pro-choice is all about? Otherwise it's just 'pro whatever I think you should do even though I'm not in your shoes and wouldn't have to live with the consequences either way.'

It's absolutely ok to tell people that they should take time to properly think through big important life changing decisions. And yes, that's whether it's wanting to have a child in less than ideal circumstances, or choosing to have an abortion. None of us know OP and are doing more than state our opinion. Even if 100% of us suggested one course of action she is not obliged to take it.

OP chose to post on MN, in AIBU, which is known for people giving straight, no holds barred responses. If she didn't want people to offer up opinions and be blunt, then there were many other forums she could have chosen, or she could have spoken to a friend. (Although I would also tell a real life friend they should think through any decision very carefully).

Omg, not this again. 🙄

No. The OP shouldn’t do any of this shit.

1- sleep with a man she no longer loves and possibly hasn’t loved for many years now. Giving him hope to a reconciliation. If the marriage didn’t work a year ago it isn’t going to work now.

2 - getting back together with her (emotionally abusive) ex will get the hopes up of her 13 year old child who’s longing for his dad to be back home. What happens when the OP and ex split up again? ANOTHER heartbreak for the child.

3 - deny a man of his child. (The current boyfriend).

4 - deny a child of their real father.

Your “advice” is all kinds of fucked up and immoral.

Im sorry you’re going through feeling like this, from my own experience (and hearing friends talking), I’ve found missing an ex is normal experiencing all of the guilt and feeling alone at times can be confusing but you need to write down all the reasons why you’ve left him and keep reminding yourself of those. getting back together rarely works out and it sounds like you would be getting back with him because of him not coping and your child missing him rather than what makes you happy? Yes things may change for a while but eventually things go back to how they were and the reason you split up repeats again.

right now you are already a single mum and sound like you’re doing a wonderful job raising your children.
I feel that your hormones have probably made you question things with your new man and ex too. I think if I was in your position I’d be quickly telling the ex you don’t want to progress getting back together.
id definitely be keeping the baby too as new babies often bring so much joy and youve already expressed how much you wanted another baby.
I would meet with the new man and tell him face to face about the baby and say you dont expect him to move etc but obviously you need him for some support and to be there for you emotionally. it sounds like hes a good dad already and will be there for you even at a distance. Your children may be shocked at first but once baby arrives im sure they will help and it would bring you closer together.
Please ignore the doom posts about miscarriages etc. yes we all know it’s possible and you will deal with whatever life throws your way I’m sure, but right now you are pregnant so you should try to think how wonderful having your much wanted little miracle is right now and try to enjoy this time when nobody except you knows you’re pregnant.
You don’t need a man if you decide to go it alone, there’s much more help with childcare now and plenty of parents do it alone and do a brilliant job too! X

She can absolutely go ahead with this pregnancy.

It’s her choice and her choice only.

Myself and other posters are only giving advice on why going ahead with this pregnancy will cause chaos, instability and upset for everyone else involved. Especially her 13 year old innocent children, who both clearly need some extra support in their lives right now.

You should prioritise your existing children, especially as one is struggling. Adding another baby to your family, especially one with a different father is unwise, for so many reasons. Just think about it logically and put the emotion aside.

Sure but there is a reason why pregnancies later in life are considered higher risk.

Just want to add but don't want to be negative, how many weeks pregnant are you? I have been trying to get pregnant again but sadly both times have ended in a chemical and a miscarriage, which is more common in older mothers. Fingers crossed this pregnancy works out, but there's still a higher than average chance it may not. If it's early days, you have plenty of time to think things through, look after yourself and explore all potential outcomes, including the possibility of this pregnancy not being viable x

Okay, first things first . . . this is a mess.

A lot of updates, so I'll just jump on this one to give my thoughts.

Reality #1: A termination would obviously be the most convenient solution here. You also really obviously don't want one. Posters can suggest it all they like, but it's your choice at the end of the day and it's clear where your heart lies. So. If all goes well, you're having this baby.

Which means it's time for the hard choices.

Reality #2: Your ex-DH may want you back now, but it's incredibly unlikely he still will, once he knows you're having another man's child. He didn't want a third child to begin with. He won't want to raise someone else's. So, good news is, your conflicted feelings towards him don't really matter anymore. You mostly wanted back with him because you felt sorry for him, and sorry for your 13 year old son. Not because you actually wanted to be with him. I don't think so, anyway. It seems like you're being driven by guilt, and actually prefer this other man.

Your marriage ended for a reason. Let it lie.

Reality #3: In this situation, you have to make a priority of the person who is the most vulnerable. And in a few months time, that's going to be this baby. Your children are teenagers. The child who lives with your baby's father is also a teenager. It's going to be brutal for all of them to have their lives upended this way. They will all resent you. They will all be hurt. But at the end of the day, they are all far closer to maturity than the baby you're about to bring into the world. That baby needs to feel safe and secure, and part of a family, from day one. They're going to be too young to understand all the upheaval and be reasoned with, the way the teenagers can, so they need more protection. That's just the way it is.

If you want the father in your baby's life, as they deserve, it's going to mean upheaval for all the other kids. It just is. Someone is going to have to move. It is horrendously unfair on your baby to make their own father a stranger, who suddenly moves in at age three. It is much harder for a child to adjust to all that instability than a teenager. Don't imagine this baby as a blank slate who's not going to absorb all this and be damaged by it. What about when they grow up, and find out dad missed their baby years because he put their 16 year old sister first, and their brother didn't want mum dating a new man? That would do a number on any kid, frankly. They will think neither of you valued them enough to risk upsetting their teenage siblings, and they won't be wrong.

If you're having this baby, then yes, you're going to be lobbing a grenade into everyone else's lives. But that doesn't mean your instinct, of trying to make the baby fit around them, to cause the least inconvenience, is fair. It's not. It's not fair on the baby, who is a person here too now, and will need to come first.

If your partner can't move, then you will need to move, or find a compromise between the places you both need to be. Your DS will have to finally accept dad isn't coming home. Your DD will have to struggle with a crying baby triggering her noise sensitivity ten times a day. Your ex will feel you led him on and be angry and resentful. Your new partner's relationship with his daughter will suffer if he has to uproot her. All of this is unpleasant, but it's the consequence of yours and DP's actions, and you'll both just have to toughen up and struggle through it, I'm afraid.

Good luck.

How do you know the pregnancy will cause chaos, instability and upset for everyone else involved? Do you have a crystal ball?

And if your concern is the well being of her teenagers, then what will happen to them if mum aborts a wanted baby and ends up depressed? That could potentially impact them negatively too.

OP have you posted about your breakup with your DH before on here, and how your DS took it badly? You were persuaded to try again and it was a disaster?

I’m so sorry it’s all so complicated for you and your children. I really hope whatever happens and whatever decision you make with the baby you find happiness.

Her 13 year olds have no idea their mum is even dating. Not to mention pregnant with some random guys child.

Her son is struggling with the divorce of his parents. He wants his dad home and is being emotionally manipulated by him. A new baby sibling who has a different father to him will cause all kinds of upset.

Her daughter has SEN and noise sensitivities. A new baby sibling who will most likely be crying through the day and night for months will cause all kinds of upset and disruption to her routine.

Her ex-partner will be getting his hopes up at the chance to reconcile with the OP since she decided to cry to him and tell him “I think I had made a mistake” he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children.

She has been dating this new boyfriend. Then cut him off because she thought she wanted her ex back. Now is back in touch. Will possibly soon tell him she’s pregnant with his child. Even though he lives a fair distance away and has 3 other children.

Can you seriously and honestly not comprehend how this pregnancy will cause chaos?

Do reach out to those friends I'm sure they will be happy to hear from you. I've had friends dissappear for similar reasons and up they pop again and we just carry on like nothing happened.

It will be a massive shock to each and every person in this scenario. No one will come out unscathed will they? Ex DH will be banished forever to his mothers, son will hate you for that, New baby in the house = noise and less things for twins. New man will not be around to help you and has another child to tend to. Son may want to move in with dad and you may damage your relationship with him. And it goes on and on. Surely you cannot have this child??

This post has nailed it.

OP this is such a bad idea. You can’t think rationally at the moment because your desire for a third child is so strong. Why are you so desperate for a third? Especially in these extremely difficult circumstances.

This could literally send shockwaves through your life for a very long time indeed.