To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

I think @pinkglitter12’s situation was quite different from yours as her DS was 18. Your DC are both only 13. Don’t underestimate the amount of support your twins are going to need through their teen years which they’ve only just started. With the long term effects of the family breakup which it sounds like your DS has been particularly hard hit by, and your DD navigating her teens years with ASD in the mix, you’ve your work cut out let alone being a single parent to a baby as well. Especially as your DD has noise sensitivity which will make for a lot of stress in the household.

You will be raising the baby alone with a lot of challenges. Your Ex can’t even have the older two for sleepovers.

I had my last ‘bonus baby’ at 38 with an early teen, and a preteen who has ASD. DH and I are happily married and he’s pretty hands on but that was a nightmare juggling all the different needs, especially the ASD teen years where they are desperate to fit in but just can’t! I dread to think how I’d have coped as a single parent with the additional emotional fallout from parents splitting on the DC, introduction of a new man and his DC as well etc.

I imagine he will become involved to an extent with your older DC when he visits his child with you, and his children will want to meet their half sibling and will meet your older DC too.

As other posters have said, your existing minor children come first, they are the only ones you have an obligation to, not the men involved or even the ball of cells you are carrying which is not a viable pregnancy yet, or even yourself. Be honest with yourself about the effect it will have on them, how you will be practically manage that and make your decision based on that.

I think it would be a nightmare tbh and wouldn’t hesitate to terminate before the pregnancy progressed any further.

You and your ex split up because he is emotionally unavailable and he found he struggled with DD, he wont change but he is desperate to move out of his mums house. He didn't want a third child with you so wont want to bring up another man’s child.
Your relationship with new man is casual, you don’t know him very well neither. You have your own children to prioritise so even if he could commit your son wouldn’t be able to cope with a new man on the scene and blended families.
This isn’t about any men.
This is about you being a single mum, a boy of 13 struggling to come to terms his parents have split up, your daughter who has noise aversion, will you be able to juggle on your own a baby and your teen twins? Your children will accept another sibling even though it may take time. The only thing your son won’t accept is the casual man though but that’s not a problem as he couldn’t commit even if he wanted to.

It's 2025. Have an abortion and ditch both men is what I'd advise. Direct your life, don't just let it happen to you x

Op, sorry you find yourself in this position. You say “So the split wasn’t a massive shock - sadly DS has taken it very very badly as he idealises ExH and ExH has made it abundantly clear that this isn’t his choice; it’s mine and I could fix it if I wanted to by letting him come home”

This is quite bad of him, you child should not have a say on things he cannot control, how in Earth did he end up in that position??? Because your selfish exhusband doesn’t give a shit about hurting his children to get you back. He should have reassured his children that things would be ok, not painting himself as a victim with his own kid so the pain of your kid can get you back to him.

Honestly, if he cared, he would have turned around everything to get a better job that enable him to have his kids around in his own home. Instead he is not looking for one as he has his needs comfortably covered by his mum. Hardly the kind of man you want in your life.

It is true that you need to put your children first but there are things that children should not be allowed to dictate. Letting your children decide about how you lead your life won’t make him happy at all, just more insecure and miserable. Being asked to decide on highly problematic issues when he doesn’t even know what he wants is very damaging, he is not ready to carry that responsibility on his shoulders.

I think given what you have said and what you want, you can go ahead with the pregnancy and if partner want to be involved in the baby’s life. You can just imagine yourself as the partner of a man that travel a lot with work: it won’t be easy but you will make things work.

If he doesn’t want to be involved. Let him go and tell everyone you were so broody that you decided to use a donor.

Your son will eventually accept the baby, as long as you make sure he understands that having a baby brother/sister or not is not for him to decide.

So what affect with this have on your current kids, is you wanting a third more important than the children you have now?

I don't think the people saying terminate understand how you seem to feel about it. Lots of women can have an abortion and feel OK about it, but if that's not the case for you then you don't need to feel any guilt you need to just focus on the next steps.
I would personally first talk to exH, guage his reaction. If you still want to be with him that may potentially even still be an option, or it may not, but you need to find out.
Then talk to the new boyfriend. He may want shared custody, that's something to also consider.
I wouldn't tell the DC until as close as possible to the 20 week scan personally so that in the hopefully unlikely case that the pregnancy doesn't go well you've not had them find out then go through that too.
It's far from ideal, but if you do want to keep the baby then in a few years time this is going to be a distant memory and you will be in a new version of normal, however that ends up looking.

This will be harsh!

At 41, you need to grow up and take some much needed responsibility here OP!

1.ignore getting back with ex husband, he is manipulating you (and son) because he doesn’t want to continue living in his mum’s spare room.

2.cut off the boyfriend. Seems you got together with him pretty soon after you split with ex.
You need to be single for a while, at least 6 months. You need to learn who you are.
3.put your twins first! Your son needs counselling to help understand that you and his dad are not getting back together, and that he needs to stop listening to his dad’s blame game.
Why is everyone ignoring that your poor daughter is actually happy and relieved her father no longer lives with you all. How can you even be considering putting her back in that situation?
4.your twins aren’t even aware you’ve been seeing someone, and you want to tell them that suddenly there’s a man and a baby?! Have they not got enough to deal with? Your son will not react well to a baby because of his upset over your split. Your daughter will not react well because it’s a change and will be noisy. And is likely to cause her father to make life miserable again.
5.you may want a 3rd baby, but I honestly do not think that this is the best or healthiest situation for you or your children to have one.
lots of counselling for you to move on, past this whole situation and be happy being single and concentrate on the 2 children that you have, and who need you NOW!

and yes, I do know how hard an abortion is; but I also know that in the long term it was what was best for me and the children I already had.

It’s complicated, it’s messy, but only you OP, can be the one to step up and sort it out with as little disruption to your children as possible.

but I think we all know what you are going to do, and I feel sorry for your children.

Agree with @Tunnocksmallow And I don't think she is being harsh. She is being realistic and very honest. .

Please go and see someone you can talk to in person about this. I'm not saying have an abortion but abortion clinics provide counselling to women who need help in talking through their options.

And think really carefully about how you want your family to look in 5, 10, 20 years time. Will you be happy with your third child if it means that your other children choose to have very little to do with you?

@Tunnocksmallow said everything I wanted to say.

Me personally I couldn't end any pregnancy but as for relationships you need to take time away from both and figure yourself out first

Congrats on the pregnancy OP! Please don't terminate if you don’t want to.

Sounds like your exH and you can’t make it work, and that’s sad but okay. It’s childish and unfair of him to “blame you” for the relationship not working out, and put strain on your relationship with your dc. A good parent shouldn’t be manipulative and cause further issues. This needs fixing ASAP, even if you decide not to reconcile.

As for a messy life, life is sometimes messy. But a beautiful thing has come out of all
of this. It’s good to teach children how to navigate difficult situations, and be resilient. Your dc wont always be teenagers, and the one with additional needs is likely to struggle somewhat more whatever happens. Blended families are not unusual. Personally, I would have my children in therapy to help with the separation, and it will serve them well in general.

There is strength in teaching your children to be true to themselves. Your dc will get through whatever happens, as long as both parents are supportive and loving.

Do what makes you happy to prevent resentment. It may work out with new guy, he seems keen. You can’t live your life trying to keep everyone else happy.

OP if you think this is how it all will work out - it most likely won't.

Thank you! I want to back you up on this. @MaddieInAmess Your ex is using your son as a weapon to try and get what he wants. The fact that so many posters have overlooked that fact with their "abort-abort-abort" chant is quite telling.

You need to sit your DS down and tell him that getting back with your ex will never happen. You TRIED for years, and getting back with him would only make you more miserable and sad. It would not improve anything. I would also tell your Ex that if he continues to use your DS as a weapon, that you will seek legal redress. I can totally see why he is an ex as he gives me the "ick" and I've never laid eyes on the dud.

I don't think you are romanticizing anything. You are trying to look at all sides but do understand. This is YOUR decision and no one else's. Only you know what you can handle, but please do not let your ex use your children to try and force you back to him. Your indecision about your ex seems more centered on what your ex and DS wants and less on what you want and need.

I think counselling for your DS and you would be a good idea, along with letting ex know the consequences if he continues to weaponize your child.

I think this is an issue where you need counselling, not the advice of strangers on the internet who are posting to pass the time.

@Tunnocksmallow gives good advice. I have no advice to give other than my own experience of having my only child at 41: pregnancy seemed tough but ok (I’d never known anything else). I was a single mum by the time they were 2, but I had lots of support and good finances. Everything was fine until menopause hit: since then energy levels have dropped dramatically, anxiety has increased, and I find myself always wideawake in the middle of the night.

But the heart wants what the heart wants. Sending you wishes of clarity and strength for days ahead.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation and if you really feel that you can't have a termination then so be it. However I think you are putting yourself in am incredibly vulnerable situation. You have young teenagers both of whom have mental health vulnerabilities. Believe me, supporting teens with mental health issues is no joke. I would do anything I could do avoid destabilising them further.

It’s not a child yet, it’s a ball of cells.

So, your daughter cannot stand change and moving in one adult would add too much noise, but you think that adding a baby is neither too much change nor too much added noise?

It's all very unclear. You left your DH last spring. Presumably you mean a year ago. Is this coming baby's father your new partner or your Ex. If you want the baby then don't have a termination. Would your ex come back or not.

Being harsh because I think you need a reality check. I appreciate you dont know where your heart is right now but you need to think deep and hard right now to secure a future you really want.

Your DS will leave if his dad comes back - a man who wasn't present with you before, so how's that going to change?

Your new man hasn't met your kids and you haven't met his after 1 year! That's not a good omen.

Aside from the father maybe not wanting anything to do with the baby and all the above mess, how can you financially afford to bring another child into your life right now? Or will the tax payer fund it?

Think hard. Do not feed your loneliness by adding mess into it, that will make you lonely even if someone else is around!

You are where you are because of your choices.

Now decide where you want to be and forge a path towards that.

You are between a rock and a hard place. If you keep the baby, you have a greater chance than not if ‘losing’ your current DS. I’m guessing he is not going to react too well and probably never will. It’s one of the worst ages to lumber him with this scenario, and he will likely forever hold it against you, and will always view the baby with dislike etc. This will mean the new man is also placed front and centre into his life, whether he moves in or not. I’d be prepared for him to act out big time, in which case you need to cut him slack as none of this is if his making. That’s going to make for a really hard future. What a mess, not envious of you and best of luck whatever way you go with all of this.

How could you possibly get lonely because you were on,y seeing your new man 2 or 3 times a week? Thats absolutely loads.
I feel sorry for your poor son, i doubt he’ll cope with a new baby by a man they’ve never even known about.You can’t put this baby before your existing children surely?

I mean if you are waiting for a scan, then you are clearly planning on keeping it.

“Its perfectly fine to have a relationship with a man your kids don't know (its your private relationship), its perfectly fine to have this baby you always wanted (its your body/fertility), its perfectly fine not to live with the father of your baby (my step dad did not move in until my sibling was 3 and me and DH lived separate when my oldest was young)... you got this.”

What dreadful fucking advice.

I don't understand threads like these. You're clearly going to continue this pregnancy, despite the momumental clusterfuck of a situation, knowing full well your teen twins aren't coping at all right now, and you want to further mess up their lives, all because you selfishly want another baby?

this is the only post you reply to?

No reply to all the people pointing out how selfish it would be to choose your own desire for a baby over the wellbeing of your teens?