To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

OP, have you posted variations of this before?

Your daughter clashed terribly with her father and your son has been goving you a very hard time because his father is emotionally abusing him by blaming you?

Is this you?
If so your husband is not a good man.

You are very raw and vulnerable.
Going back to you ex is not in your daughters best interests or yours.

I think having another baby would be very very difficult.
Please reflect on just how hard it would be to start again with a baby.
It is not easy having teens in your late 50's, I know and I have a supportive husband.
However hard you imagine it, double it, and thats with a healthy child, thankfully.
Its exhausting.

I think you must think first of your existing children and yourself.
Wishing you well.

The only way it won’t be messy is if you terminate the pregnancy. That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be absolutely hellish for you of course.

Apart from the “ messy “ situation with your XH and the new man, it’s hard to see it not being beyond difficult for your DC given all you have said.

Whatever you decide you need to be absolutely honest in facing the potential consequences for you all.

if you keep the baby you will have to have the father in your life anyway so you'll have to tell the dc- he still has a right to see his child and that will probably be at yours for quite a while

I dont think reconciling with your ex husband will work

Can DS spend more time with him? Perhaps live with him one week on one week off? Don't put your daughter through living with her father again

I don't think boyfriend will work either. Its just not giving me good vibes

If DS won't cope with boyfriend moving in, he's never going to cope with baby

I think you need to abort baby. Said with love ❤️

This ❤️

DodgersJammyAndOtherwise

"I would keep the baby. Tell the father that you want to keep seeing him but you may never want a family unit with him and let him decide what he wants to do."

Wise words. You may be in a good place with him or not. But if you keep the baby, he will be in your life. He should also help to support his baby.

Firstly, whilst this sounds like a mess, I promise you’ll get through it.

1. what support is your DS getting? He’s gone through a trauma, and you need to move on with your life. Going backwards to settle everyone else’s wants isn’t going to work. What steps are you taking to help your DS move on and feel happier in the situation?

2. you aren’t in the position to have another baby. I’m sorry, but you aren’t. You may have always wanted a third but that’s life, it doesn’t always work out how we want it. You have a teen who is really struggling - this should be where your focus is. Sometimes we just need to accept that we don’t always get what we want. That’s my view anyway. As soon as you tell boyfriend and ex husband that you’re pregnant, everything’s going to blow up, become very messy and your existing children stand to lose majorly.

Personally I would:

1. arrange a termination
2. arrange counselling for your son
3. talk to your ex, explain that you were low and lonely but that it didn’t work and won’t work. You’ve decided to move on (do you need counselling to help with this?)
4. ask ex not to continue blaming you to son, it’s not helping anyone. He needs to accept that you had every right to end the relationship as you weren’t happy.
5. end boyfriend. It’s a non-starter due to your circumstances and sounds like a rebound relationship to be honest.
6. take time to be single and focus on your son. He needs you.

I appreciate you want to keep this pregnancy but I can't see any way a baby wouldn't be like a bomb going off in everyone's life - your children's, his children's, your ex husbands. I think you should talk to someone in real life about this. I wish you all the best.

Fetchthevet

I m so sorry for your experience.

OP do not terminate unless that is what you want. It is not the decision of your ex or the baby's father or your two children. It is your decision.

Good luck. People do get through things. If you do keep baby what is your plan re work, finances, home etc, focus on what you can control.

Congratulations OP on the pregnancy 💗
I know that the circumstances are not ideal but they could be a lot worse.
Try and think of the positives… you’ve had twins for a start! I’m sure you will be an incredible mother also to this one.
I have a brother 15 years older than me and he’s like my best friend, wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m sure your son will love his baby brother/sister and your baby will be blessed to have 2 older siblings looking out for him/her.
People will say “only go through with it if you’re prepared to be a single mum” which I think is strange because any of one of us could become single mums. Partner could die, end up leaving… there’s always a risk. So at least this way you know what you’re walking into re raising baby mostly alone for first 3 years.
good luck xx

Yeah this whole thing is clearly his fault! Leave him!......oh wait , she did already.

This sounds like a very stressful position to be in. Be kind to yourself OP.

I think it’s a difficult one because if you terminated the pregnancy whilst being unsure, you could live with regret and feel guilty.

But if you continued the pregnancy and disrupted your existing children’s lives at an already difficult phase, you might also feel guilty and selfish for putting your own desire for a third ahead of their reality.

Would you have support from your current partner, how do you think he would react? Good luck x

It’s no wonder your ex wants to move back, it is his only way to get back into a home for himself. But that’s not a reason for you to get back together, because you split up for a reason. He is not going to change, he is still going to be emotionally unavailable and nog be nice to DD (which I think is a very good safeguarding reason to NOT get back together - it’s your choice to have a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, but your DD is relying on you to feel safe in her own house).

Re the new man- there is no reason for him to move in with you when he is able to move nearer by. You need to put your kids first, they need to feel safe in their own house till they decide to move out. He moves nearer but to his own place.

You’ve already said you’d like to keep this pregnancy. That’s ok, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with either man, or live with either man if you do decide to get back together with one of them. You are jumping back into a living together situation when that clearly is not the best solution for your kids: your DD will suffer if exH moves back in, your DS (and possibly also DD) will resent new BF moving in over a few years). Choose for YOU - what makes YOU happy and feel heard and supported? And if you decide to get back with either guy, take it slow and live apart, for the sake of your children (if your exH is not interested in taking it slow you know he doesn’t want to get back with YOU but back into the house (and your bed for sex). Any guy who respects YOU will be ok with taking things slow and living apart.

This is a dreadful thing to say.

If it were me, I would terminate the pregnancy. Keeping it would cause your entire family drama, mess and pain and your DH will be utterly devastated. Nobody needs to know other than a supportive friend/sister if you have one. Put your existing kids first, they matter far more than this new pregnancy.

It’s not a perfect situation and there will be some upset people and some happy people and some confused people as a result. It’s like that in many situations. I like to think about a story I heard in a film about a boy and his old father travelling with a donkey, and whatever they did, there would be unhappy people (if they both rode the donkey, people would say - poor donkey, you both are too heavy!; if the man rode the donkey and the boy walked - people would say, oh he’s a young boy, how can you, let him ride the donkey - and so on). However shitty it is to realise, we do leave some upset people in our wake. There is a popular phrase now - let them (be unhappy).

Also please please please try to speak to a therapist (I’d say psychodynamic/psychoanalytic if you can - it’s largely the same) about your feelings of guilt. They are eating you up.

That's a pickle op! I feel for you because that sounds really difficult and all very emotive.

I think op it sounds like you'd got to the point where you were flogging a dead horse with your ExH. You've probably done as much as you can and quite frankly the issues with your ds and how much he's struggling are your ExHs making - he is putting blame on you and making it ok for ds to blame you. In fact I'd almost go as far as to suggest he's using ds to emotionally manipulate you into taking him back. Irregardless of how much ExH is struggling with the breakup his kids should come first and that means sucking it up in front of DS and coparenting properly and backing you up as the Co parent. I would not be considering reconnecting with someone who is essentially sabotaging your relationship with your child. I would absolutely be calling him out on it to try and stop him from putting ds in the middle of an adult situation. No wonder he's not coping. The fact he also can't parent his children equally isn't going to change if you take him back now. I think you need to let that ship sail and focus on moving forward and I'd tell him this in the most crystal clear terms. He'll react badly most likely because of the recent conversation you've had but it sounds like he's pressuring you a lot and you've had a moment of vulnerability.

In terms of the new man, if you are definitely going to keep this baby, which is entirely your choice and you owe no explanation to anyone, I think I would tell him purely to get a gauge on what he is prepared to do. I wouldn't worry about leaving a 19 yo in a city alone - most 18 yos move to new cities alone for uni anyway. I think you need to get a handle on what support is available to you practically and then look at your position financially as well. It sounds like both you and the new man are trying to do right by the children you already have and there's a conversation to be had about where this baby fits into that. Your ds will likely react badly especially if his dad does which is also likely but that's going to be a marathon rather than a sprint with him anyway so you don't need to have answers for that yet, it's going to be difficult regardless because of your Co parent.

Ultimately op you need to do what's right for you here. You don't need to rush into anything. You are allowed to take some time to think. Some counselling would be a very good idea and I'd take some space from your ex and give yourself the chance to think about what you want and need here. You owe that to yourself.

Agree with this..Is ex telling ds that you are "keeping him away"? Honestly that is nasty and irresponsible of him, and very manipulative. You know you were unhappy with him for ages. He needs to step up and stop fucking with your son's head. (Pretty sure you've posted about him before, and I thought the same then).

As for the baby - well I know far too little about you or your kids to know how this would pan out for any of you if you went ahead.

I’d take both men out of the equation just now. You seem like you want to keep the pregnancy so focus on staying healthy etc and see what your scans say. Make the other decisions further down the road.

Im alao concerned that you seem to let your kids have some power over your decisions. You need to protect your son, but that doesn't mean letting his useless dad back into the family home, it means getting said dad to understand how cruel he is being to ds with the sad face shit.

Similarly just because dd thinks it would be nice to have a baby sibling should have absolutely ZERO influence on your decision..She has less than any cllue about what that would entail in reality.. Hopefully you are less naive, but you seem oddly passive and hand-wringy.

Yes I know I am being harsh, but your attitude disturbs me to be honest.

@MaddieInAmess how will your children adjust to a baby?

OP, how are you so chill about having another baby ? Are you very wealthy ? How do you plan to manage childcare ? Do you work? If you don’t, who pays for your keep?

I am pro choice. I think the choice in this case should be obvious. You prioritise your children. A pregnancy is a potential; your children need you.

You desperately need less chaos, not more. Focus on your kids and stop focusing on hypotheticals of multiple men and potential extra children.

I would take both men out of the equation and think about a life with you and your twins. How would that look with a new baby? What do you want to do for you ? Then when you have made that decision the rest will follow.
I think ex dh is an ex for a reason but that also doesnt mean that the new partner is right too.