Page 14 | To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

MaddieInAmess · 2025-05-07T16:00:58+00:00

40 year old mum to twins aged 13 I left ExH last spring He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all DD says it’s less awkward without him here Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend No kids involved with us / each other Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family. After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive. I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know. What a mess 😢

Kittyfur · 08/05/2025 15:56

MaddieInAmess · 08/05/2025 15:30

I told the new man
He said all will be fine, that he loves me and we will make it work however necessary

This doesn’t feel enough 😢
I am now picturing being in a labour ward on my own whilst ExH has our teenagers and new man potentially missing the birth altogether depending on timings

Then what happens?

This is a shit show

I can’t stop crying but I know I need to buck my ideas up and crack on either way

Don’t despair!
this may well work out!
new man hasn’t cut and run, he’s stepping up!

be more positive; a new baby will be a great addition

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/05/2025 16:37

MaddieInAmess · 08/05/2025 15:30

I told the new man
He said all will be fine, that he loves me and we will make it work however necessary

This doesn’t feel enough 😢
I am now picturing being in a labour ward on my own whilst ExH has our teenagers and new man potentially missing the birth altogether depending on timings

Then what happens?

This is a shit show

I can’t stop crying but I know I need to buck my ideas up and crack on either way

It sounds a better option than having a termination you don't want and can't tell your ex, stuck with him making your daughter and you miserable - even before you add in any repercussions if the ex and your son find out you have been in a relationship with somebody else in that time (and you know that if he already manipulates your son to keep on at you, he's guaranteed to tell him about it).

GrandmasCat · 08/05/2025 16:44

Op… that’s a very good step in the right direction, it is not a ring but, you have not been together for long and looking at his reaction and his set up at home, it seems at least like he could be a responsible parent even if you do not make it as a couple.

I’m not suggesting you put your pink tinted eye glasses already but you need to be a bit more positive, you are one step better than you were this morning (if you want to let the pregnancy progress).

Parktrips · 08/05/2025 16:48

Weaselsweasels · 08/05/2025 07:58

Op I’ve created an account just to post on this thread. Please ignore the hectoring, bullying posts demanding you have an abortion because you don’t fit into the confines of what these posters dictate are reasonable circumstances to bring a baby into. They are not pro choice at all but pro abortion and practising soft eugenics. They also make it clear how the dreadful mother and baby homes came to exist.

I am genuinely pro choice. I have had two terminations and felt nothing but overwhelming relief in each case. But when I was faced with a third pregnancy in far more messy circumstances than yours, I kept it and it was the best decision I have ever made. I was brutally raped two weeks before I conceived. I subsequently two weeks later had a drunken night with my ex boyfriend and a day later slept with a new man I had just started seeing. I took the morning after pill and it failed. I was in an awful situation, but I knew I wanted the baby. I was a successful professional with my own home and great salary and I knew I couldn’t have another abortion, so I didn’t. I did a pre-natal DNA test and proceeded with the pregnancy. It was my ex-bf’s and he massively stepped up and has become a wonderful father and in time, husband. We have had two more dc together. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars that I made the choice I did. It can work out in really surprising ways. It really can.

You want this baby, that is clear. And you know what - be selfish. You are prioritising everyone else’s feelings over your own, but this is uniquely the time to consider your own as the person who will be most impacted by an abortion. Keep the baby, be honest with all those involved. Things have a funny way of working out, they really do. Don’t let the hectoring and coercion online or off force you into doing something you will regret. Please.

I am NOT a pro life schill before anyone comes at me. I respect a woman’s right to choose, even in messy circumstances. If you don’t then you have no right to call yourself pro choice. You are pro abortion.

Also to the poster claiming the op got pregnant on purpose - you are a nasty little misogynist so own it.

Absolutely agree, and so glad everything has worked out for you and your family!

It does sound like a lot of those suggesting abortion are just pro-abortion. The basic definition of pro-choice affirms women’s bodily autonomy, regarding ending a pregnancy or not. Recommending that a woman have an abortion, even though she has already said she wants to keep the baby, is the complete antithesis of that.

It’s also extremely dangerous territory because if it’s okay to tell a woman to have an abortion based on certain circumstances then when does it end? It’s entirely subjective. Next we’ll be hearing if you don’t earn more than £60k you should have an abortion if you fall pregnant because otherwise you are a selfish person. What a woman chooses to do regarding her pregnancy should be respected. End of.

WildflowerConstellations · 08/05/2025 16:55

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you are in such distress.

What I've noticed is that you seem to be feeling all of this pressure to do what you think will make everyone happy. Your DD, your DD, your ex and the new man.

It's okay to put yourself first in this situation. In fact, it's necessary. It seems as if trying to make all of these individuals happy is leading to loads of emotional confusion and conflicting feelings of responsibility and guilt.

You do not need to do anything right now. I would kindly explain to both men that you are pregnant and need to take some time to process that. You need some space.

I would then focus on you, give yourself time to move through this moment.

You can always reach out to one or the other of the men if you eventually realise you truly want to be with them. All in good time.

Don't let circumstances and other people's feelings force you into or out of a relationship that you may not want with either man.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 08/05/2025 17:01

Don’t worry about the possibility of giving birth alone. I did, labour progressed quickly and exh had to stay with my other two
They met him after 4 hours and we all went home together
I think it’s promising that new man intends to step up
It’s not a conventional set up, but that doesn’t matter at all.

SnoopyPajamas · 08/05/2025 17:39

MaddieInAmess · 08/05/2025 15:30

I told the new man
He said all will be fine, that he loves me and we will make it work however necessary

This doesn’t feel enough 😢
I am now picturing being in a labour ward on my own whilst ExH has our teenagers and new man potentially missing the birth altogether depending on timings

Then what happens?

This is a shit show

I can’t stop crying but I know I need to buck my ideas up and crack on either way

Respectfully, you're spiralling. It could just be the hormones, but looking at your posts all put together, I get the impression you're a chronic people pleaser, who may be self-sabotaging.

You've had the best possible response from your partner, and you still think it's not enough. Your mind has jumped straight to the worst case scenario of giving birth alone. Honestly, it seems like you struggle to say no to anyone, and would rather avoid a difficult situation than work your way through it. It's like you're always waiting for someone else to tell you what to do.

I know you're overwhelmed, but it feels like you're almost looking for reasons it will all go wrong. The idea of moving or blending your families is just completely off the table for you, right from the jump, and I don't understand why. Yes, your children are neurodivergent - but your attitude to your DD's noise sensitivity and your DS missing his dad doesn't seem to be "I'll help them through this difficult adjustment". Instead you're trying to rearrange everything to suit them. I appreciate you feel guilty after the divorce, and you don't want to push either of them into meltdown. But if you roll over and shield them from any discomfort, you're not doing them any favours either. Neurodivergent kids need to learn to regulate themselves, adjust to others, adjust to change, be more resilient . . . all the same lessons neurotypical kids learn. It's harder and you have to go about it differently, but you still owe it to them to try.

I think you're feeling very alone and overwhelmed, OP, and you're not seeing the wood for the trees right now. You need to talk to someone. A professional. This pattern of behaviour is ruining your own happiness. If you want to buck your ideas up, I think the best way to do it is to find a therapist who is kind, but won't let you get away with the self-sabotage either. And work with them on sorting your life out, one problem at a time, until you get back on an even keel. It won't be pretty, but you can do it.

Original poster

MaddieInAmess · 08/05/2025 18:00

SnoopyPajamas · 08/05/2025 17:39

Respectfully, you're spiralling. It could just be the hormones, but looking at your posts all put together, I get the impression you're a chronic people pleaser, who may be self-sabotaging.

You've had the best possible response from your partner, and you still think it's not enough. Your mind has jumped straight to the worst case scenario of giving birth alone. Honestly, it seems like you struggle to say no to anyone, and would rather avoid a difficult situation than work your way through it. It's like you're always waiting for someone else to tell you what to do.

I know you're overwhelmed, but it feels like you're almost looking for reasons it will all go wrong. The idea of moving or blending your families is just completely off the table for you, right from the jump, and I don't understand why. Yes, your children are neurodivergent - but your attitude to your DD's noise sensitivity and your DS missing his dad doesn't seem to be "I'll help them through this difficult adjustment". Instead you're trying to rearrange everything to suit them. I appreciate you feel guilty after the divorce, and you don't want to push either of them into meltdown. But if you roll over and shield them from any discomfort, you're not doing them any favours either. Neurodivergent kids need to learn to regulate themselves, adjust to others, adjust to change, be more resilient . . . all the same lessons neurotypical kids learn. It's harder and you have to go about it differently, but you still owe it to them to try.

I think you're feeling very alone and overwhelmed, OP, and you're not seeing the wood for the trees right now. You need to talk to someone. A professional. This pattern of behaviour is ruining your own happiness. If you want to buck your ideas up, I think the best way to do it is to find a therapist who is kind, but won't let you get away with the self-sabotage either. And work with them on sorting your life out, one problem at a time, until you get back on an even keel. It won't be pretty, but you can do it.

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This is so accurate
I was in therapy for a long time and this was the exact thing that was said to me
I just wasn’t able to break the cycle for some reason but I know I need to try again
Thank you x

OP posts:

Bestfadeplans · 08/05/2025 18:14

MaddieInAmess · 08/05/2025 18:00

This is so accurate
I was in therapy for a long time and this was the exact thing that was said to me
I just wasn’t able to break the cycle for some reason but I know I need to try again
Thank you x

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I think its really positive news, and more discussions need to be had about practicalities. Don't write it off so soon!

GrandmasCat · 08/05/2025 18:22

housethatbuiltme · 08/05/2025 11:34

Not complicated at all.

You are aware many woman CHOOSE to be single mothers, no fathers involved at all (I know several who went down sperm donor route). You are making up drama based on everything having to conform to 50s-esq nuclear family bullshit which doesn't apply to the modern world or OP.

OP situation isn't wildly rare or unusual and regardless of if she stays with this new man or not she will be fine and it will not be hard to adjust and make it work for her.

I was the first born, my parents divorced when I was a toddler. My sibling was born when I was 10... he has never had a relationship with my father (because its nothing to do with him, why would he have a relationship with our mams ex husband who is not related to him). Why on earth would he? The younger sibling in these scenarios rarely ever has a relationship with their older siblings paternal family so why do you magically think it has to be different the other way around.

This isn't a 'step dad' to the older kids replacing their father, they have their dad and do not need a relationship with a man who lives 3 hours away regardless of if their sibling does or doesn't. Same way their new baby sibling wont be off to stay with their dad when they do go to visit him.

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Bloody well said, this thread reminds me of the witch hunting lone mothers need to endure from people who clutch their pearls thinking that having an abusive and controlling man to co parent in a toxic environment is “better” than co-parenting apart.

Please give the woman some credit, it takes balls to walk away from a controlling man and carve a life on your own for the sake of your children.

There are posts chastising her for not listening and not agreeing to an abortion already, it is not even 24 hours since she realised she was pregnant. Give the woman a break, she has enough weeks ahead of her to decide, it is perfectly ok to have some time to deal with the shock, ponder her options and then take a decision with a cold head.

MimiGC · 08/05/2025 18:46

Do you actually have room in the rented house for another child (after babyhood) or will it necessitate one of your existing children sharing with a much younger sibling? Or a move? You work for yourself now and say you wouldn’t need childcare with the new baby, but who will run your business while you’re looking after the baby (or babies, could be twins, as they are more common in older mothers)?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/05/2025 18:55

GrandmasCat · 08/05/2025 13:46

If the mother is ok, the children are ok. I understand that in such complex situation we can only aim for the mum and children to be okay…ish though.

This woman has gone through a lot in her marriage and unlike many women who stay in horrible marriages “for the sake of their children” she has had the courage most of those women won’t ever have to start afresh away if domestic abuse so… don’t dismiss her ability to survive yet another hurdle (if she wants to, of course).

I think Op would do well to get off this chat so she can calm down after the shock of finding herself pregnant just a few hours ago and rather than getting hundreds of voices shouting abort! Abort! Abort! She has a few short weeks to assess what support she has, whether the new partner would be supportive or not, how she will manage financially, etc before taking the decision that works best for her very own and particular circumstances.

What she should not be doing is going ahead with an abortion she doesn’t want to appease an abusive ex husband or a child who is far too young to be calling the shots on what his mother does or not.

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I agree with all of the above.

You still have a bit of time to think things through. Whichever choice there will be hurdles.. but you've already dealt with many hurdles and you will be able to deal with the ones that come.

I think @GrandmasCat is right when they say don't make a choice to appease other people - and in particular your Ex. There is no need to appease him at all. You have split up.
The reasons for that split haven't changed - even though you feel guilty about it.

winter8090 · 08/05/2025 19:31

Jadorelabrador · 07/05/2025 18:10

In the nicest possible way a pregnancy would be a potential disaster for everyone - you can choose to terminate and you don’t need to inform either man to do this.

I Suggest marriage counselling with the ex - to explore the issues and if change is possible and boundaries for at least 6 months he does not move back it you explore how a future might look.

cut The other man off

6 month of counselling for yourself to work out what you want

I agree with this. This is good advice.

Original poster

MaddieInAmess · 08/05/2025 21:16

I am completely in love with new man

I’ve tried to break it off multiple times and can’t seem to manage it - I feel physically sick when I do which sounds madness at this age

OP posts:

winter8090 · 08/05/2025 21:19

If your completely in love with the new man I’m not sure you’d be doubting your decision to divorce.

The situation with the new man sounds really challenging.

How do you feel about potentially bringing up a new baby on your own?

reesespieces123 · 08/05/2025 21:20

MaddieInAmess · 08/05/2025 21:16

I am completely in love with new man

I’ve tried to break it off multiple times and can’t seem to manage it - I feel physically sick when I do which sounds madness at this age

Sorry, this is really bitchy, but grow up. You have two teens who need you. You can moon over a new man when they've left home.

WildflowerConstellations · 08/05/2025 21:20

MaddieInAmess · 08/05/2025 21:16

I am completely in love with new man

I’ve tried to break it off multiple times and can’t seem to manage it - I feel physically sick when I do which sounds madness at this age

Well then go for it! Life doesn't always happen neatly. But if you love him, he's a decent guy and you're having a baby together then you can make that work. But make sure you do what you ACTUALLY want rather than trying to appease everyone. As PP said others will adapt when you lead confidently.

WildflowerConstellations · 08/05/2025 21:21

reesespieces123 · 08/05/2025 21:20

Sorry, this is really bitchy, but grow up. You have two teens who need you. You can moon over a new man when they've left home.

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You're right that did sound bitchy.

reesespieces123 · 08/05/2025 21:22

WildflowerConstellations · 08/05/2025 21:20

Well then go for it! Life doesn't always happen neatly. But if you love him, he's a decent guy and you're having a baby together then you can make that work. But make sure you do what you ACTUALLY want rather than trying to appease everyone. As PP said others will adapt when you lead confidently.

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She's been with him 6 months max.

WildflowerConstellations · 08/05/2025 21:24

reesespieces123 · 08/05/2025 21:22

She's been with him 6 months max.

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I thought she said a year? I dunno. I think if she's sure that's what she wants then better to go for it than being dragged back into marriage with ex. But if any doubt probably better to have a decent period alone to process and reflect.

Comedycook · 08/05/2025 21:35

reesespieces123 · 08/05/2025 21:20

Sorry, this is really bitchy, but grow up. You have two teens who need you. You can moon over a new man when they've left home.

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Not the most tactful way of putting it perhaps but I agree with the general idea...you sound like a love struck teen op. . You're a grown women...you wanted to get back with your ex husband...now you're in love with this guy...in the kindest possible way you sound all over the place. You will be a mother of three in a few months time...take your time and think about things.

GrannyJJ · 08/05/2025 21:54

MaddieInAmess · 08/05/2025 18:00

This is so accurate
I was in therapy for a long time and this was the exact thing that was said to me
I just wasn’t able to break the cycle for some reason but I know I need to try again
Thank you x

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You’re not looking after the kids you do have - the teen years with a sen child and one struggling mentally are not going to be any easier…. you’re living in Lala land with some bloke saying it will be ok. But that is just words. The reality is you say you’re emotionally not stable but want a baby. It’s not pro abortion to say put your existing kids before “I want another baby”. We bring children into the world to help them grow and develop to lead independent lives. Not to the detriment of ourselves but you’re only thinking about yourself - bring the two up that you’ve got rather than the romantic notion of having another one. With a bloke who is rightly prioritizing his children.

SnoopyPajamas · 08/05/2025 22:03

MaddieInAmess · 08/05/2025 18:00

This is so accurate
I was in therapy for a long time and this was the exact thing that was said to me
I just wasn’t able to break the cycle for some reason but I know I need to try again
Thank you x

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Oh, I'm so glad you see it. That's half the battle in itself. It really is.

Anyone can fall back into unhealthy patterns. That's human. But it's never too late to try again. It is hard. Sometimes you grind away for what feels like forever, and feel like you're getting nowhere, and then all of a sudden it clicks into place. All of a sudden you look back and you can see how far you've come.

You can do it. You'll have to slog through some shit bits to get there, and it might not end up perfect. But things can be good. You can make it through this, one step at a time 🌺

Deboh · 08/05/2025 22:36

DodgersJammyAndOtherwise · 07/05/2025 18:02

You have to take out the background noise and think about the personalities of the two men involved, if you want to be with one of them at all.

In the event you want to be with one of these men, you have to acknowledge that your ex had limitations and any emotion you are feeling regarding loneliness is not a reason to take him back.

What about having a relationship with the new man but keeping the baby and separate homes, at least for now and see how you feel in a year or so.

Making decisions right now, unless you can look at it all in a detached way, may not be a great idea.

The new man sounds a better bet quite honestly but it depends on his personality. Ex is bound to want to 'come home'. He's living a half life with his mother rather than making his own way in the world. I would struggle to have respect for him as he has just moved back home.

Loads of people have to move home after a divorce, especially men.

Original poster

MaddieInAmess · 08/05/2025 22:43

It’s been a year

I appreciate how it sounds still

I have ruined lives and I am not okay with this - I can’t let go of the guilt so a baby will likely make me feel even worse about what I’ve done to everyone

It wasnt planned but I did have a glimmer of hope that it might all work out but logically I guess not

Thank you for all the replies even the harsher ones x

OP posts: