To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

Not complicated at all.

You are aware many woman CHOOSE to be single mothers, no fathers involved at all (I know several who went down sperm donor route). You are making up drama based on everything having to conform to 50s-esq nuclear family bullshit which doesn't apply to the modern world or OP.

OP situation isn't wildly rare or unusual and regardless of if she stays with this new man or not she will be fine and it will not be hard to adjust and make it work for her.

I was the first born, my parents divorced when I was a toddler. My sibling was born when I was 10... he has never had a relationship with my father (because its nothing to do with him, why would he have a relationship with our mams ex husband who is not related to him). Why on earth would he? The younger sibling in these scenarios rarely ever has a relationship with their older siblings paternal family so why do you magically think it has to be different the other way around.

This isn't a 'step dad' to the older kids replacing their father, they have their dad and do not need a relationship with a man who lives 3 hours away regardless of if their sibling does or doesn't. Same way their new baby sibling wont be off to stay with their dad when they do go to visit him.

Don’t have a baby just because you’re over 40 and feel it’s last chance saloon. How many unhappy families that mindset must have created…

It is her body and her choice but we can't dismiss that going through will the pregnancy will have a negative effect on her kids mental health and it will impact her ability to care for the children she already has. Either way, somebody is not going to get what they want, it's either OP or her current children. Most parents would choose to take the hit themselves, especially since the children played no part in creating the mess, but some won't and that is a risk they are willing to take.

Complete madness to go through with the pregnancy in these circumstances. Think of your DT and put them first.

You are likely to change your mind multiple times. When you feel calm enough write down what ending/continuing the pregnancy looks like and the likely reality of each outcomes. Then do a to do list of each outcome. Of course the ending the pregnancy outcome, will be time limited in its objectives when compared to the continuing outcome , which can be taken at a much slower pace in the next few weeks.

This is very challenging. Try and get additional support if it is possible.

Having both plans written down means you don't have to continually think about it all. What plan you want in that moment tells you want you need to do. Over the next few days you will find a plan which feels more like a solid next step which you are comfortable with.

I would advise on your ending the pregnancy plan to get in contact now to start the possible process of a termination. In my local area due to issues, it is 4 weeks for an assessment. However, I am in Scotland where privately arranged termination is hard to access. It is nearly all NHS and the timescale they able to run to.

Honestly you shouldn’t be with either man. It certainly doesn’t work with exdh. You’ve split multiple times. You are lonely and his basically throwing himself at you as an easy solution to that. But the same old issues will creep in. Also you’d be terminating the pregnancy or wanting your ex to raise another man’s baby? Then that’s more fish what is old new man wants to be an involved dad and ex wants to pretend he didn’t exist. Dramaaa

New man’s a no go really as distance with children. So can’t live together or even close for many years.

New baby well that’s a head and heart. You want a baby, can afford a baby. You are worried your son will want to live with his dad if you have a new baby. Honestly I’d always put my existing children before new children but then again I also can’t say I’d find picking an abortion easy or right either. It’s easy for us to say what to do when we are not the ones there. Just more safety measures in future.

I think it is easy for people to say put your existing children over a new child when that new child is hypothetical or hasn’t yet happened. It is much harder when it is you who is actually pregnant.

I am not sure mumsnet can really help you here OP, it is ultimately your decision and I would use the counselling services of abortion clinics to talk it through with unbiased people who have special training.

OP has said she wants to carry on with the pregnancy so why are people telling her to have a termination?

Forget all of the noise on here @MaddieInAmess. And you make the decision that you want to make.

OP has also said that she is conflicted and thinks a termination may be the best choice.

People are free to state their opinions either way. Presumably OP didn't start this thread just to have lots of people say "oh that does sound tricky; but you make the decision you want to make".

She also said:
‘I know I most likely can’t continue the pregnancy’

I wouldn't go back to the ex. The relationship doesn't work. You've ended it for a reason. Surely, those reasons are still present and haven't miraculously resolved.

So, really you need to decide if you want or don't want the baby. Forget about the men. Take them out of the equation.

That is ridiculous!

'Circumstances always sort themselves out' is absolute horseshit nonsense!

They absolutely do not!

You say you wouldn’t consider living together until 3 years which is the right thing to do.
If I were you, I’d wait until the early scan. Nature may decide for you.
I miscarried an unplanned pregnancy the day before I was due to take Mifepristone to end it.

When you say you always wanted a third child was that because you wanted to be pregnant and give birth again? Were there things that didn't go well the first time that you want to redo? Did you just picture being a family of 5? The reality of this pregnancy is obviously going to be very different.

Whatever you decide, be confident that you have made the best decision you can for yourself and your children. You're not responsible for the other adults in your life.

I wanted to be a mum again

This was at a time I was with ExH so a few years back now

If the mother is ok, the children are ok. I understand that in such complex situation we can only aim for the mum and children to be okay…ish though.

This woman has gone through a lot in her marriage and unlike many women who stay in horrible marriages “for the sake of their children” she has had the courage most of those women won’t ever have to start afresh away if domestic abuse so… don’t dismiss her ability to survive yet another hurdle (if she wants to, of course).

I think Op would do well to get off this chat so she can calm down after the shock of finding herself pregnant just a few hours ago and rather than getting hundreds of voices shouting abort! Abort! Abort! She has a few short weeks to assess what support she has, whether the new partner would be supportive or not, how she will manage financially, etc before taking the decision that works best for her very own and particular circumstances.

What she should not be doing is going ahead with an abortion she doesn’t want to appease an abusive ex husband or a child who is far too young to be calling the shots on what his mother does or not.

If your Ex husband has ASD too then that is extremely difficult and I completely understand what you are going through.

please get some counselling for yourself if you can. You are going through a lot even without this pregnancy and be proud of yourself for being brave enough to come on here for advice.

You are going to be alright, you just need some support x x

@MaddieInAmess

How are you feeling now? In yourself?

I know you have had lots of advice.

I have already replied but I wanted to say, take the other people out of the equation and think about you and how you will cope and what you want, then do that.

I'd take a break from both men to work out what you want.

Despite telling you about an abortion I had in messy family circumstances and how it was the best thing for me to do and I didn't ever regret it. I have been thinking again about your situation OP.
I think you really, really don't want to have an abortion. I think that's why you are waitng to see what happens "naturally". If you want this baby - keep it, whatever anyone else says/thinks.
At the very least it probably sorts out the exH situation as I cannot imagine he'd want to come back and play happy families with another man's baby. However I don't think that's a bad thing. I think the situation with your DS is clouding your judgement. I think you need to sit your DS down and and tell him gently that you and his dad will not be getting back together - ever. Tell him you tried your best but it didn't work and while you are sorry he and his dad are sad about things that this doesn't change the situation. His dad loves him and they still see each other that just has to be enough. You don't owe either of them going back to an unhappy marriage.
Take a breath, think about what you really want that is achievable and then start setting it in place. See how your new man reacts to the news as this might help you decide what to do, but please talk to someone who knows you well in IRL about what going on.
It must also be very difficult after previously having to have fertility treatment to conceive, to find yourself even having to consider abortion. Life can be a real bitch. 💐

OP, I would have loved a 3rd child too. Doesn't mean that it should have happened - and it did not.

I think you intend to continue with the pregnancy, otherwise you wouldn't be waiting until June for a scan.

Ultimately, it is your decision, but your situation really is messy and thinking with your heart and romantic ideals won't help. You must apply cold hard logic here.

I told the new man
He said all will be fine, that he loves me and we will make it work however necessary

This doesn’t feel enough 😢
I am now picturing being in a labour ward on my own whilst ExH has our teenagers and new man potentially missing the birth altogether depending on timings

Then what happens?

This is a shit show

I can’t stop crying but I know I need to buck my ideas up and crack on either way

If you stay with the new man and keep the baby your looking at him being a part time dad purely though logistics. It will only be when his children are with their mum and depending on the older girl who with him full time.

Basically the relationship as it is now but you also have a baby how does that sound genuinely. Since you seem like just the long distance relationship was hard enough lonely wise.

I think if you proceed with the pregnancy then you should do so on the basis that you will be a single parent. Then if things work out with him, its a bonus.

Do you love each other though?

I’m not wanting to sound patronising but do you honestly seriously love each other? Do you want a serious relationship with him? Despite him living over an hour away from you and potential new baby?

You need to think of the practicalities here. IF you go ahead with the pregnancy you will be doing most of the childcare alone. He will need to work childcare of his new baby around his job and his 3 others kids. That may potentially mean his 3 kids visit/stay at your home? As it would be seriously unfair to drive a newborn for hours on end. Do you think your twins could cope and adapt to this?

You need to speak to a counsellor. Contact BPAS - it doesn’t mean you have to go through with a termination but they will be able to talk to you, inform you and guide you. They are professionals. People on Mumsnet aren’t.

I wish you the best with what you decide to do and hope it all works out for you but if I’m being totally blunt you need to put the needs and welfare of your two teenagers first. Not the ex and not the new man. You would probably be better off as a single woman just concentrating on navigating life for yourself and the twins. But obviously you need to decide on what’s best.

This is really promising OP he could have been horrified and just walked!
You seem really unclear about what you actually want apart from obviously not ever having ended up in this position.
If you want to keep your baby the new man is stepping up. It seems it might work out in an awkward sort of way. I think you have to decide once and for all about the exH though. I don't think you can really try to reconcile and keep the baby. Maybe this is fate intervening to help you move on with your life. Who knows?