To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

Put your children first and terminate the pregnancy

Like all choices, there are bad ones and good ones. Of course it's the OP's right to finally choose what she does. That doesn't mean people can't point out to her that they think it's a bad choice that has impact on others. Nobody is "demanding" she have an abortion; in the end nobody here cares. It's not anyone here that will be affected.

I'm glad that things worked for your family, but OP can't make decisions based on anecdotes.
To contrast your experience, my friends teenage ASD son physically attacked his 18month old sibling because he couldn't cope with the crying.

OP, will your new man be supportive and happy to contribute financially, or do you think that he will suspect you have tricked him into this? How will you be able to afford maternity leave and nursery provision if you are going it alone?

With respect @Weaselsweasels i disagree that your circumstances were messier. There are 5 existing children to consider here. You did not have that.

Their needs are hugely important here

Hi
I really feel for you. It can seem absolutely daunting. I too had an unplanned pregnancy and was on the pill. Hadn’t missed one at all and no illness eg diarrhoea which can make the pill unstable.
This was mine and husband’s 3rd pregnancy. I had older child of 3 and baby of 5 months when I discovered this pregnancy. Didn’t know how we were going to manage financially as had 2 bed house - mortgaged and no hope of moving. Had only only just bought the house before 2nd child was born. Anyway, decided to not continue the pregnancy BUT I could not go through with termination. I actually got as far as the hospital on the day of appointment and broke down in tears and in discussion with nurses, who were so kind, I continued with pregnancy. Had my 3rd son. So 2 babies 14 months apart both in nappies- no disposables in my time and it was tough. Financially as well as hard work and emotionally. But let me tell you, my sons are all grown men now. I am a widow and this 3rd son has been the most wonderful person throughout most of his life. He’s always been there for me. Anything needs doing he’s the one who helps me. I thank god that I didn’t go through with that termination.
It won’t always be hard for you and if you have always wanted a 3 rd child then maybe this is your chance.
Thinking of you and hope all goes well with your scan.

Wow! That's some assertion!

However I must admit that I'm confused as to why the "viable" query, and therefore the delay , is raised

Perhaps you're correct and the OP is deliberately delaying

OP - if you want the baby just say. We will support you regardless

Yeah it massively gave me the ick. I strongly suspect a man willing to manipulate his child to get his own way is not one who’s going to relish the thought of his ex being pregnant with another man’s child whilst suggesting reconciling. It has the potential to get very messy, but whatever you decide OP I hope everything works out for you x

It's ok not to make any decisions right now OP.

Usually if we don't know what to do it's because we don't have enough info to make a decision at this time.

Be kind in your mind to yourself until your choice options become clearer.

It sounds a little like you put everyone else's emotional wellbeing before yourself.

It's not selfish to put yourself first - it's vital & usually if you are happy that makes a huge difference to your DC.

Your exH knew that being unavailable, not being affectionate or loving was driving a wedge in your relationship and he did nothing, no counselling, no effort! He struggled with your daughter but as above he didn’t bother trying to connect with her or understand her. He is using your teenage son’s emotional pain to score points, he doesn’t care if in the process his manipulation breaks your son, he wants you to be ground down seeing your son in so much turmoil to force you to feel guilty and take him back. He doesn’t see he is living in his mum’s spare room because of him being unavailable, he is a cunt.
You've met another Mr unavailable which suited you because a casual relationship is all you can offer, you need all your energy, thoughts and heart to help heal your family from your Exh actions who is deliberately tearing your son apart.
You might not see it right now but you’re showing your children they don’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship and sometimes things don’t work out how you want them too …. Shit happens.
You need to be gentle with your son, without pointing the finger at his dad, he needs to see that his dad blaming you is making him more unhappy. That although you had him and daughter with your exH, your relationship with his dad is something that he doesn’t need to be dragged into, that you both love him and his sister and that will never change. He needs stability from you to slowly accept the status quo.
if you have the baby you need to shield your son from being dragged into being part of an unconventional blended family set up. He will be made to feel disloyal towards his dad about accepting the baby, let alone meeting baby’s father and his other children. There are noise blocker headphones that your daughter can wear when baby arrives. It will take a lot of effort to bring up a baby alone and prioritise your older children’s needs too. If you bring another man into the mix you risk losing your son, you need to stay single for the next five years and concentrate on giving your son the stability he desperately as he grows up.

I have, well had as I’ve lost all my friends in midst of this depression I’ve been in, 5 friends trying for babies ranging from 38-43 and every one ended in miscarriage so maybe this is clouding me a bit

Sometimes we can't have what we want because what we want, not matter how badly, will upset too many lives

@Weaselsweasels you had no other children at the time of your pregnancy. The OP has two that will likely be hugely affected by the new baby/relationship. Her DD is noise sensitive and her DS hasn’t accepted her split with his Dad and will probably blame new man/baby for them not reconciling.

Can the op have the baby, of course. It is literally her choice and no one else’s. But to make out like there won’t be ramifications to her other kids AND the new baby are just obtuse.

If I was you, I wouldn’t hesitate to terminate.
You don’t live with the father, therefore don’t really know him. He already has multiple children, it’s just too messy.
The effect on your existing twins - what if the baby has the same issues as your daughter? Or worse disabilities? Increasingly possible with older maternal age.
Finances won’t be any easier with three kids.
If you were 40 and childless I’d say go for it, but you’ve already got two kids to think of and things don’t sound particularly easy as it is. This baby would push me over the edge so I know what I would do. You need to think long and hard if you want to make your life harder than it needs to be.

Do take the advice to see help now OP, if you wait until June you will just be in permanent turmoil. Hard as it is, the sooner you make a definite decision the better.

I think you need to separate the various items.

Regardless of baby do you want your exH back or are you just feeling lonely / vulnerable / hormonal? You have already tried for many years to make this work and it hasn't, why would it suddenly be different now. It would be very disruptive for your DS and xDH to have him move back in only to change your mind and move him back out later. You also aren't mentioning your DD much but it sounds like she is thriving without the atmosphere of having him live there, your DS may be happy to see him back but then your DD would be miserable. Maybe what you really want is a more present partner in your life and not the long distance guy or perhaps more support from groups / ladies closer to home to help with loneliness?

It can be hard dealing with the guilt of divorcing a basically decent human being who just can't manage their own life but you deserve not to be a babysitter for another adult.

Im sorry OP but why isn’t your main priority your 13 year olds?

I’m not surprised you’ve been depressed @MaddieInAmess your exH has been making sure of that! He’s been deliberately making your son’s emotions worse and making it crystal clear only his needs matter.
Your casual relationship with Mr Unavailable was a distraction from depression but it’s time to stand up, dust yourself down and reconnect with your old friends or make new ones. You tried very hard to keep your relationship going with your exH but he didn’t bother trying, so accept it. It just didn’t work out. You’re feeling stuck in quicksand but you are not stuck in the old relationship, this is your new life so no looking back even if ex is doing everything in his power to drag you back.
Your new chapter is about you and your children, finding out who you are and guiding your children into accepting their new life, you need your friends or to make new friends and to find your feet. Stop worrying about whether you made the right decision leaving ex, you obviously DID make the right decision as you were unhappy then but it takes time to get used to change so give yourself a break. Your ex is making sure you’ve been depressed since the breakup and using everything to make you feel guilty but as I said before, he’s showing you his true colours and a cunt so you were right to leave him.
You have made your decision about your pregnancy, keep it quiet for as long as possible as it’s early days, I know your worried you might miscarry but you’re tearing yourself apart looking for a solution. Let things be, you are not in control of whether the pregnancy is viable but stressing isn’t doing you any good.
You can’t stop your ex using your son’s emotions to manipulate you but you can change how you react. It’s awful seeing your children in distress but you can be there for him, you can gently tell him it’s ok to be sad and upset, you’re there for him to talk through his feelings but a child shouldn’t have to shoulder the burden of his parents breakup by being made to pick sides. That it’s of course he is upset but the main thing is, he is very loved by both of his parents and in time he will accept it.
Change is scary but you just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, this is where you’re life is meant to be, a single parent who won’t be manipulated and who is their children’s warrior.

Lots and lots of points here so I’ll try to answer as many as I can without overloading

I have massively struggle with the break up but I can’t seem to pick apart it it is actually ExH I miss or the family unit itself
ExH is logical and stable and I am clearly neither of this which this thread alone shows

I have a recent diagnosis of ADHD so I’m not sure how much of this recent behaviour is attributed to this or the trauma or the split and seeing my son so upset on a daily basis

DDs relationship with dad is what I would refer to as “ strained “
He is quiet and slightly awkward and affection doesn’t come naturally to him so unlike our DS who pretty much does a lot of the talking for you and will just throw his arms around you and say how much he loves you etc ( so a lot of the work was done for ExH in that sense just by sons personality ) that hasn’t happened with DD

She is very very similar to her dad although would hate to admit it so this has been the main reason for the breakdown with them
She needs the other person to do a lot of the bonding / conversation starters etc and she’s got a real issue surrounding meat both sensory and choice wise and ExH wouldn’t commit to being a vegetarian ( I did as wanted me and DD to be able to enjoy meals and cooking together ) and this really drove a further wedge

I don’t know how she would be around any other adult though to be fair - aside from me she’s quite intolerant of most people so then I think it’s not all her dads fault really

Finances have been mentioned a lot -
I would definitely have an easier time there with ExH only because his job although low paid is permanent and secure and our home would be split money wise however new man works freelance and much like me is dependant on lots of factors for a steady income although my business is doing well and the only reason I don’t buy is because I rent this for a really low price from my sister who now lives abroad so it just makes sense that I’m near our elderly parents etc

Will come back to address the other points on my next break

This isn’t about what man is more suitable as neither of them are, this is about your decision on the pregnancy and being a single mum. This is about you recovering from depression, being happy and your kids accepting that the breakup is for good, you all moving forwards.
You were not happy with your Ex, neither was your DD, your ex is abusing your son’s mental health by manipulating him to take sides. He is not a nice man! Your casual partner is not an option because he too is unavailable emotionally and has his own life.
Your decision is about you and your children only, no men. They are not an option if you want a happy life with your children, their dad is only interested in his own needs and is using their unhappiness as a weapon against you. This is about you standing on your own two feet, independent and thriving. It’s better to be alone than in a shit relationship and once you find your strength to do it alone you will find your happiness in your life won’t be because of any man. It will be in taking the reigns and being your own hero

Financially I would struggle but not fall apart - I own my own business so wouldn’t need childcare etc

Unless your own business only involves a few hours a week of work and/or you have a baby who reliably sleeps for long periods of time, you are going to struggle to look after a baby, two teenagers and work, without any childcare.

That’s why I said it’s your body and your choice. I would never advocate for anyone to do something that they were not 100% at peace with. What I meant was that regardless of whether OP continues with the pregnancy, she has to keep her two children at the forefront of her mind. All of this back and forth between two men and then getting pregnant (albeit accidentally) is have already been impactful on her kids and to suddenly introduce a new man AND a baby is undoubtedly going to be a very difficult transition. Her decisions moving forward need to be with the full picture in mind, not just a fairytale of finally having three kids without considering how she would make that work in reality. Taking this into consideration will ultimately protect her own mental health too.

I am autistic with adhd and a history of abuse and trauma and I would absolutely contact an abortion service just for the counselling. It is the most logical and rational thing to do.

They are unbiased and I have used these services and they will help you make an informed choice. I contacted them and was offered counselling within 48 hours of my original phone call.

I've already posted about how you've centered yourself and your wants. I stand by it because the reasons you'd be bringing a baby into this world are centering your self, when babies should come into this world with themselves centered first. You know that neither of your existing children will cope for very different reasons. How are you going to overcome that, genuinely? If you have an answer for that then perhaps you can make it work.

There are a lot of what ifs as well. What if your child is born and has complex needs? What if they are born and have congenital defects? What if the demands of looking after a newborn, then a baby, then a toddler on top of your emotionally and physically developing teenagers doesn't fulfil you the way you're expecting? What if you've got rose tinted glasses on about this?

How will you cope if one or both of your existing children do not adapt? You can't force them into any sort of therapy and you can't force them to interact.

What if the needs of each child conflict, which they do in any multi-child household regardless of need or disability? What support network can you build for yourself right now?

Are you looking for a permanent relationship? Do you think it can work with either XH or new man? I don't as I've already expressed in my last post but do you? Assuming the answer is no, do you think you can fulfil the want of a permanent long term relationship with 3 kids, 2 different dads, and over a 3 hour round trip to facilitate their relationships with their parents on top of being thoughtful and present partner to someone who would want to be a thoughtful and present partner to you?

What contraception will you use going forward? You've stated you have ADHD and I personally historically know that diagnosis and the contraceptive pill don't mix very well, it requires consistency and routine and planning and executive function when there are lower demand options available like the implant and the IUD.

I might sound like a very harsh person. I am blunt, and pragmatic but I don't lack empathy, and right now I have a lot of empathy for your children and believe it or not, for you because I am asking you to think about these questions, to come up with solutions to the problems you've got so you can make a choice that you and your family will have to live with.

Who would be at the birth? Who would look after your twins? What if, like me and many others you end up readmitted with post birth complications for either you or your baby?

You can't do this without support. And I can't see XH accommodating his children while you go off and have another man's child. He doesn't have the facilities to do that anyway.

What about school runs? Your children are at different stages in their lives, they vary in independence and maturity. Can they take themselves to and from school? Are they dependent on you to get there and back? What about accommodating their relationships with friends? How will introducing a third child impact this?

There are so many questions that need answers. Please contact an abortion service so they can help you answer these questions with properly trained counselling and acknowledge that your diagnosis may mean you are likely to make impulsive dopamine spiking decisions and thus you do need guidance from external sources which is what they are there for.

All the best to you OP.

You keep talking about the pros and cons of getting back with ex-DH. But surely it doesn't matter anymore? You want to keep this baby and ex-DH never wanted a third child. He's struggling financially as it is - surely it would be a massive stress to step up and provide for a new baby? Assuming he would even want to raise another man's child.

Does he even know about the other man? Won't the reunion will be all off anyways, as soon as he finds out you're pregnant by someone else?

Yeah I think these are two completely different issues.

If you decided to carry on with the pregnancy surely your ex husband isn’t going to return to the family and raise the baby with you? I assume he doesn’t even know you were seeing someone else, and even if he did you said he didn’t want anymore kids.

I am 200% pro choice and agree that this is not the best time to bring a third child into the world, I wouldn’t if in her shoes, but the op doesn’t want to have an abortion, no matter how many times you call it a foetus, for the OP is her “baby”. If she goes through an abortion she doesn’t want, there are possible life long ramifications that can have an impact on her mental heath and her ability to take care of the children she already has.

She won’t be much worse than any other woman who divorces after having three children. It will be difficult no doubt, but pushing her to dispose of the possibility of this pregnancy it is wrong and unhelpful. The circumstances are not ideal but are not necessarily permanent either.

Her body, her choice, whatever choice she wants.