To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

I’m so sorry OP, this is a mess and I can see it’s incredible stressful for you- I truly mean this with a kindness, your longing for a third baby isn’t unreasonable, but continuing this pregnancy under the circumstances is simply selfish. Your children need you more than ever now. There isn’t room here for a baby, especially in this exh/newman mess.

I think you need to prioritise these children over this pregnancy. DD may wish for a sibling but the reality is something else. You may lose DS trust forever. So much needs to be rebuilt here. A new baby doesn’t deserve this either.

take good care of yourself.

My mum had my sister at 38, did live with her father at the time as 3 teens at home.

We love her, we took care of her, we played with her and taught her so much!

She effectively had 4 parents (mum and the teens)

Yes we’re were sitting exams, learning to drive, dabbling in relationships, but we thought the world of our little sister!!

She now approaching 40 and a mum herself, and we wouldn’t change it for the world.

It’s not the big disaster people are making it out to be.

What’s the point in posting? You will keep the baby, as that’s what you want, Your teens will be messed up. Your husband, who you have let think that you have let believe that you have a high chance of a reconciliation will be destroyed. The 19 year old girl with no mum will be dumped by her dad to be with you and the new baby.

Slow hand clap.

I’ve woken up in a complete panic

My heart feels like it’s going to beat right out of my chest

I know I most likely can’t continue the pregnancy - I guess I want a scan to know if this is is a viable pregnancy before I panic too much which I’ve booked for early June

I feel like an awful awful person but it absolutely wasn’t planned - there has been a few times I’ve taken the pill later in the day than the last one because my head is such a bloody mess but I’ve never missed a pill

Financially I would struggle but not fall apart - I own my own business so wouldn’t need childcare etc but I know this doesn’t change the fact I’ll be really hurting DS and EXH and that’s not okay

Respectfully - in the OPs situation there are 2 children ALREADY struggling very much and an ex husband who sounds, at best, to be in difficulties regards life. PLUS the father of the foetus has 3 children (I think that's right) himself, and lives a long way away

THIS ^^ does not need a baby adding to the mess

It's not fair on anyone, including the foetus

@MaddieInAmess”I don’t think I could end the pregnancy regardless of anything else
Im almost 41 - my chances of another pregnancy may be low“. You say this but you also say that because of your son a new man 100% cannot move in. Would a new baby by the new man be welcomed more than the new man?! And even if he doesn’t move in he’d presumably be as present as possible, visiting lots etc and wouldn’t then be hidden away as he’d be visiting his child, you son’s half brother. So you put your son’s feelings about him moving in very high up in your considerations but don’t consider that those same feelings will be felt anyway if you have the baby, and rank those feelings below your own desire for a third child. It’s a mess but I would think that your current children’s emotional wellbeing must be the primary consideration and you have to have eyes open about how that would be affected by a new sibling in the circumstances.

I agree wholeheartedly that the foetus is adding massively to your difficulties

Can you get a private scan earlier? Do you really need a scan?

Sending you love and strength 🥰❤️

I don’t think it is any close as bad as pressing a woman, who has expressed clearly and repeated times that she doesn’t want to have an abortion, to have one.

Is there anyone you can talk to? Do you have Employee Assistance Program at work? They offer free counselling.

Whatever you decide it will be ok. It will.

Sometimes big things like this happen and it changes the course of your life, for the better.

Personally, I think I would be stepping away from both men (well as much as you can from XDH). You are considering everyone else's feels (which is very lovely of you) and need to have a moment to consider your own

So you own your own business, but you rent? That sounds like a vulnerable set up.

@MaddieInAmess I think you have to focus on the facts.

Twin 13 year olds, one is ASD, the other has taken the split badly and may need interventions in any event.

Ex H, probably ASD, lost a job a year ago and is now in a minimum wage job, loving with his mother due to limited funds.

You are 41 and live in rented accommodation with your own business - presumably without much set aside for a mat leave. Who will look after a baby when you are working?

The new boyfriend - has his 16 year old living with him (nc with mother) AND has two younger dc from another relationship. When the dd's 18/19, he's happy to uproot away from her to live with you.

I'd be thinking very carefully about the new man op and why he has not sustained previous relationships, not once but twice. And what about seeing his younger DC if he moves away from them?

You say you wanted another baby and yiur DH (ex) didn't - were either if you in a position financially and emotionally to have another baby?

Pragmatically, I think having the baby is a non starter - it isn't fair to bring a new life into this mess and the potential impact on your existing children is incalculable.

You need to know far more about the new boyfriend before you start any sort of future with him.

You need some.therapy to work out what you want, possibly with ex h. Alongside that, your children also probably need some therapeutic support. On a means tested basis through somewhere like Relate, that's likely to cost about £100 a week. If your response is that you can't afford that for six months duration, then kindly, you can't afford to bring the baby into the world.

Best of luck op.

Kindly I don’t think this is right for your two kids.
I think being pregnant has made you emotional and that’s why you have clung to your ex being all remorseful.
Please think past you wanting another baby it’s not what your kids will want or need .

Why wait a month for a scan? Ring the TOP service today if you've finally made the right decision.

I guess I’m trying to limit my guilt by not making the decision yet and seeing if the decision is made for me by the pregnancy not being viable for instance hence me waiting on an early scan before making a decision

Ill still only be 7 weeks so will be able to make the call

Just to clarify, new partners children are all with the same woman and he sees the younger children ( 11 and 13 ) weekends

When the split happened the older child who was 12 wanted to live full time with dad as there had been physical and emotional abuse from mum to her ( but not the younger siblings ) so this is what the court ordered

He is we planning to still visit the other kids every weekend in 3 years time but I know this is all very unsure and a complete nightmare - I’ve wished I didn’t love him for a long time but I haven’t managed to break away

Oh op, I can really tell how much you’re struggling with this.

I honestly think you need to step away from both men. From what you have said rushing back to your DH doesn’t sound wise.

In regards to the pregnancy, what do you want? You have said previously that you won’t be having the abortion, why the U turn? I know lots of posters are saying it’s the right thing to do, but is it?

I think in your situation it’s about picking your hard. Having an abortion and getting over it might be hard. Upsetting your son and Ex DH by having the baby will be hard. So which hard can you live with?

I think you need to reach out to a friend/family member who knows you and your situation better than us randoms on an internet forum as I think they would help you put things into perspective as right now I think you are panicking and I think it’s important for you to talk it through with someone and make the right decision for you and your family not one made in haste.

If you don’t have anyone, maybe a helpline, or someone to talk to over the phone.

OP phone one of the abortion helplines, they won’t pressure you into abortion but can help with counselling over this decision. You don’t need to wait until early June before a scan to decide, waiting longer would likely make a termination harder. Phone the helplines today and see if you can bring your private scan forward.

Have you told the new boyfriend that you are pregnant? Sorry if I missed that.

My heart goes out to you x

Only you can decide whether you want to continue the pregnancy. You said earlier that you want the baby and that you tried for a long time to make it work with ExH but it didn’t. In that case the decision is made, it’s not an ideal situation with new man not living with you, but you will manage. Don’t tell your children just yet, wait until your 12 weeks scan if possible, I’m saying this as someone who had one unsuccessful and one successful pregnancy at age 41. It’s a 50/50 situation at our age.
But if you come to the conclusion that you want to end the pregnancy, that is an option and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

I second this 👆. You will be able to get a scan sooner. Th abortion providers are brilliant, they don’t influence, they listen.

OP, I understand why you want the scan, because it means there is a chance that mother nature will make the decision for you, which means you don’t have to choose. This absolves a woman of responsibility and makes things easier to reconcile emotionally. That’s a not a judgement, it’s a fact, I’ve been there.

But you also have to consider that having a scan show a healthy pregnancy, will mean you will find it harder to make the choice to terminate. You are in a total head/heart battle. Try to avoid being ambivalent about what you will do, consider what it is you really want…and commit. It’s the indecision and emotional back and forth that is soul destroying.

No
I was going to tell him today but then keep thinking if the pregnancy isn’t viable is there a point in this

You left your ex husband last spring.

You met this guy "a few months" later at a work conference.

Since that point you've seen him 2 or 3 times a week.

And yet you say "I've wished I didn't love him for a long time now".

You barely bloody know the man.

Stop seeing yourself as a character in a romantic novel. You have children to consider.

Does your new boyfriend know that you and ExDH are planning to try again?

Why do you keep going on with the faux eyes about the pregnancy not being viable? You know it will be, and it will be deliberately too late for a tablet termination.
You are lying to us, and I would say yourself - but you know you are keeping this kid and to hell with everyone else’s needs.

The father sounds messy and feckless as well, - happy to ditch his daughter as soon as possible to start again with a woman he barely knows.

Op I’ve created an account just to post on this thread. Please ignore the hectoring, bullying posts demanding you have an abortion because you don’t fit into the confines of what these posters dictate are reasonable circumstances to bring a baby into. They are not pro choice at all but pro abortion and practising soft eugenics. They also make it clear how the dreadful mother and baby homes came to exist.

I am genuinely pro choice. I have had two terminations and felt nothing but overwhelming relief in each case. But when I was faced with a third pregnancy in far more messy circumstances than yours, I kept it and it was the best decision I have ever made. I was brutally raped two weeks before I conceived. I subsequently two weeks later had a drunken night with my ex boyfriend and a day later slept with a new man I had just started seeing. I took the morning after pill and it failed. I was in an awful situation, but I knew I wanted the baby. I was a successful professional with my own home and great salary and I knew I couldn’t have another abortion, so I didn’t. I did a pre-natal DNA test and proceeded with the pregnancy. It was my ex-bf’s and he massively stepped up and has become a wonderful father and in time, husband. We have had two more dc together. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars that I made the choice I did. It can work out in really surprising ways. It really can.

You want this baby, that is clear. And you know what - be selfish. You are prioritising everyone else’s feelings over your own, but this is uniquely the time to consider your own as the person who will be most impacted by an abortion. Keep the baby, be honest with all those involved. Things have a funny way of working out, they really do. Don’t let the hectoring and coercion online or off force you into doing something you will regret. Please.

I am NOT a pro life schill before anyone comes at me. I respect a woman’s right to choose, even in messy circumstances. If you don’t then you have no right to call yourself pro choice. You are pro abortion.

Also to the poster claiming the op got pregnant on purpose - you are a nasty little misogynist so own it.