Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

OP what was your DH's relationship with his father like? It sounds like his vision of fatherhood isn't very 'hands on' and I wonder if it's a reflection of his own childhood. It comes across like he wants to be a kind of 'Victorian father' who has his child brought up from the nursery by Nanny once a day so he can give them quick pat on the head and then get back to his life.

I don't think you should change anything based on things he claims were suggested during his individual therapy as you have no idea what story he has painted for the therapist. Sounds like the division of free time between you should be the key discussion point for your couples therapy (if it isn't already).

Just reading about him is giving me anger issues. What a selfish, self-centred waste of space he is. You need to take your child and leave him again and this time don't go back when he falls apart.

Also just wanted to say, as the fellow parent of a very difficult baby, that they do exist and they are bloody hard work. Your partner needs to reciprocate the solo nights you do for him to do his hobby so that you can also have some time for your mental health.
That's what a relationship is about.
He needs a reality check... He's being quite selfish if he's not willing to do the same for you.

It does not take any longer for either of you to cook double quantity when cooking. We do this all the time. If you cook up a batch of mince you can make a Cottage pie one evening u could make a second one to pop in freezer and another evening have some mince with a jacket potato or with Nachos and a salad etc. Same with a nice curry which can be eaten with jacket or with rice or pasta or with a nice naan bread etc. Every Saturday we have home made pizza ( using bread maker for dough) and make enough to have another slice for Sunday teatime.
Maybe keep meals really simple on nights he is not there if you do not have leftover.
Situation sounds tough but if you are going to make the marriage work and you both have mental health challenges you will need to find a way where you both have an outlet to improve your mental health.
Maybe you should try working out that on each of your ' Nights off' the other person does all the jobs so there are a couple of nights a week where you are not cooking or doing bedtime,a couple of nights you do all of it and 3 nights that you share?

A constant need for excitement and change usually comes from a deep-seated unhappiness and inability to accept yourself.You’ll never be happy with life unless you’re happy with yourself. Your husband sounds like he’s always chasing the next thing because he’s not happy in himself. Unless he’s gong to address that he’s going to constantly chase his idea of happiness, which doesn’t really involve you or DD.

He sounds like he’s terminally selfish and all the therapy in the world won’t change that (especially with a therapist that tells him he needs more high octane time away form the family 🙄).

I think it’s ok to not be together. There’s more men out there than is acceptable who just aren’t suited to family life because they can’t put themselves second. They just don’t have the ability to put their family first. How many times have you told him things aren’t working? How many times doesn’t he stick to it? How many times to you accommodate him? Put yourself second? You had an agreement that he had to prepare meals before he indulges his hobbies and he either wants you to plan it or to cook extra the night before ie he wants you to facilitate his share of the familywork. He could quite easily do it, but he chooses not to.

Does he make you happy? Do you think things can change enough to make you happy?

You’re not in a partnership.
he is living his life and you’re doing everything else.
he is working, doing his hobbies and had a therapist telling him ‘he needs more time from you’

you are working, raising your child, doing housework and life admin.

he avoids his child, they will see this and remember it.
he is just a visitor in your lives.
he thinks you should be grateful.
you think you deserve more.

there’s no middle ground there, kick him out.
raise your actual child, not the one you married.

So basically your solution is that the OP just keeps doing all the food cooking

my Mum had 4 kids, me and my big brother 18 months apart. I know that we were difficult and she dealt largely with us on her own as dad worked away/ Even she thinks my daughter is difficult hence she has asked to not have her overnight anymore.

This sounds like a problem all by itself and I have three close together kids two difficult ( ND) and a DH who worked away in week so did all bar weekends by myself.

He sounds shit - as to reiterate what a PP says - YOU CAN NOT MAKE HIM CHANGE.

If baths are diffcult with mopping etc - they don't need to be everynight - you could even get down to just weekends when you all have more time - I know this as frequent baths were an issue with eczema so we had to cut right down.

I would look at your bedtime routine - as it does seem fraught - and it's always a bad time of day IME as everyone is tried - what can you do to make it easier.

I don't see your relationship has much hope - really sounds like he wants to be a disney dad whether he stays or goes TBH and you sound like him gone would be easier for you to deal with.

Just want to clarify he is in no way violent. Just loses temper a lot.

Pick some evenings for yourself and just go. Get out the house, ignore his protests, just do it. Tell him you've joined a base jumping club. It doesn't matter, just get out!

And if he won't do his share of chores, go on strike - don't wash his clothes, cook his food, or tidy his shit up. He can make his own lunches. He can sort the dogs out.

Make life easier for you - stop the daily baths @IGB9723
Unless she is getting covered in mud, you can skip the nights he is in his hobby and when you are alone just give her face a wipe and take her to bed.

I could write you opening post OP. Very similar situation myself. My DD is now 6 and it has caused nothing but resentment. Nothing has ever changed despite millions of conversations. I know the only way out for me is to leave, but life isn't that simple.

Whenever i mention it now, the response is always 'you would want me to give it up'. Tbf to my DP his 'hobby' is a not for profit sports club for young people. But it is his hobby in that he does it because he enjoys it. No money is made from it and my family sacrifice a lot to enable him continuing it.

If only he wasn’t a picky eater…
doesn’t eat pasta, bread, dough, fish….
so all the ways freezable meals off the table.

I'm guessing you've discussed all this with your therapist/marriage councillor too? Are they in agreement with this thread? Read your own posts back OP especially this one. It sounds like such a clear case of LTB. Are really there any downsides for YOU and DD (not him)?

She needs them for her eczema. Has to be bathed in special oil.

If he's not with your daughter alone much, he hasn't really done any fatherhood yet though? So how can he say its not enough for him? And he still has to do it, like it or not. Does he think you always love it? Children are hard work especially when tiny.

leave the house on his nights. take the dogs for a walk. find a hobby yourself, take an exercise class.

Or just go in your bedroom and close the door.

i kind of see where he is coming from because i go to the gym or a class 3-4 times a week, sometimes twice a day.
But when its always scheduled around, my home responsibilities.

Can he do an early may thai at 6am?

TA is not realistic.

I think the reality of being a parent and the responbility have knocked him for 6, but you can't keep picking up after him. unless DD is in danger leave him to it. he doesn't need help to make a simple dinner and do bed time.

@IGB9723 losing your temper a lot is classed as domestic abuse when it's used as a way of putting your partner in their place.

don’t cook for him - let him make his own meals

ehy do you feel an obligation to cook for him? You have no such obligation

ok, fair enough.
i was just hoping it could make your life easier

The thing about therapy is that most therapists won't tell you what's wrong. They'll guide you to come to your own conclusions. So, the convo probably went something like this:

'I just feel so frustrated that I can't ride my motorbike three times a week anymore'

'What is it about it that you now feel is missing in your life?'

'The thrill, being on edge of danger, the speed'

'So, would you say you're probably not getting enough adrenaline?'

hmm.

He sounds like he wants to be a batchelor. I'm not sure your respective 'needs' make you suitable to be a couple at this point in time.

Idk if regular adrenaline rushes should even been something a new dad should be seeking out, above and beyond being a supportive partner, at least until home life is a bit easier to manage.

Why are you cooking for him full stop?!?!? If he wants to live his life the way he wants and go out multiple times a week / to hobbies then he doesn't get to have you cooking for him and doing his washing when you're busy with your child!!!

DH is at his hobby tonight and I usually leave him something to eat when he gets in but he isn't bothered if I don't and will just sort himself out when he gets home. Part and parcel of being out most of the night!

FFS this is insane.

Are you sure he hasn’t got another woman

I can’t believe posters keep suggesting that the OP just takes her 2 nights off as well. He’s stated he does like not being left alone so the child, the OP has said he has ‘anger issues’ that ‘only come out at home’. Does he really sound like the sort of man who should be left alone to look after a challenging toddler.

@IGB9723 he will never change. He doesn’t seem to care if your life is more stressful as long as his isn’t. You’d be better off separating. At least then you wouldn’t have to tidy up after him as well and you could make him take your DD for one full day every weekend (I wouldnt let him have her overnight given his issues). Yeah he would be a Disney dad but at least you and your DD wouldn’t be living with a selfish twat with anger issues and you would get one full day a week to yourself. And it may not solve your evening issues at the moment but as your DD gets older that will get easier, so long term you would be winning.

I know from your posts you are so tired therefore this is especially infuriating to read! Just don't bloody cook for Mr fusspot then! Also my husband boasts about his time in the army and how it trained him to eat anything!

Your husband appears to be very selective.