Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

I think YANBU. When you have such a young child, hobbies have to take a back seat for a while. Of course he would like more free time. Wouldn't we all!

But he now says for his mental health and anger issues he needs he’s hobby at least two nights a week plus further adrenaline rush

He sounds like an absolute dream.

Presumably you at least get Tuesday evening to do something for yourself?

Honestly I would just say you’re taking Saturday afternoons or something. Or Monday evenings. Whatever. But just tell him that’s what’s happening.

Bottom line is you can't make him change.

You are hoping the therapy will change him. Or enough arguing and explaining the unfairness will change him.
But if he doesn't want to change, he won't.

I repeat: you can't change him.

So make your peace with the situation, or end it for good.

sorry op but he sounds like in uncompromisingly selfish and uncompromising child.

His therapist sounds shite if they're not helping him with ways to cope with his own child and be a better parent and is instead telling him to seek out adrenaline rushes.

Two nights a week is acceptable. Joining the marines on top of this taking the proverbial p.ss. (And what on earth is an adrenaline rush!).

He's a shit parent, a shit partner, has 'anger issues' (violent?), and doesn't want to spend any time with you or his child.

Why are you bothering? Ditch the couples therapy and spend the time and money on a divorce solicitor.

i am overwhelmed with doing bedtimes on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday and often Sunday day.

Only on MN do I see 2 adults even being at home on time to do bedtimes together!. Most parents are either still at work or coming back from work, or making the most of having a partner and out at the gym or something.

It gets messy when you have 3 or 4 little ones, but unless medical problem, one adult is more than enough.

I am another one who doesn’t understand the hobby thing. I have a small DC with ADHD and I also have ADHD. DH regularly works away and when he is home I actively encourage him to go out once or twice a week either in the evenings or on weekends to do things that keep him active. I also go out one evening myself to do mine.

My DC isn’t easy wants constant attention and entertainment and sleeps like crap but I manage all the cooking, cleaning, bath and bedtime because that’s life! You keep saying he can’t cope but YOU also can’t seem to cope with your child for one or two evenings a week?

You have other issues with him, the fact that he doesn’t seem to want to be around much and struggles with basic responsibilities and all this military stuff, but you don’t need to parent together all of the time? You can both have some space to do other things, bath and bedtime don’t negate that.

You need to compromise here. He needs some time for the things that help his mental health, you need time for yours and you need to meet in the middle on other topics - he needs to learn to cope alone better and no military. But you also need to cope one or two nights a week by yourself without complaining. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you’re both being unreasonable and not a decent parenting unit or very supportive of each other either.

Haha, I would like for you to be a fly on the wall.
I absolutely cannot mop once she’s bathed before she goes to bed. If I shut her in the living room she screams murder. If I leave her, she will walk in and get wet/play with bath/water on floor.
I’ve tried. It’s resulted in numerous changes.

my Mum had 4 kids, me and my big brother 18 months apart. I know that we were difficult and she dealt largely with us on her own as dad worked away/ Even she thinks my daughter is difficult hence she has asked to not have her overnight anymore.

I also have dinner when she does. Which helps.

But she has already said that she has to pick up chores on her 2 free days so they aren't free like his are they?

It's not bad advice to leave when it's one less huge mental load to get rid of. She's a single parent anyways in a dual household so what difference would it make? Its one less person to run around tidying up after, feeding and being on schedule to put things away. I would also put money on it easing some of the anxiety she has and quite possibly the DDs difficulties could become easier being out of an angry yet absent household. It's surely much better advice than shut up and carry on.

I agree - life doesn't magically get better when you split.

But there are certain expectations in a marriage - sharing a life, sometimes a room, having sex, eating together, helping each other - and there sometimes comes a point when the relationship has deteriorated to the point where actually all of this becomes impossible or un-stomachable. Splitting might make life harder but there isn't really another option then.

Then just leave the chores?

if you are all out al day how much tidying can there be to do daily? And what prep is needed for the following day? Takes me roughly 5 minutes to get uniforms out and check school bags. I spend about the same sorting my own outfit and work bag.

Exactly this. It’s very bizarre to me that OP seems to need her partner there for all the basic steps yet is complaining her partner can’t cope. She can’t seem to cope either.

Either the child is extremely difficult in which case probably needs some form of intervention or both parents need to reassess how they’re doing things.

Seen your latest update. If your going to stay at least get a separate laundry basket for him. Stop doing his laundry. Try and make simple dinners you can freeze and eat when convenient with child. If he won't make your life easier stop making his life easier.

You also mentioned making lunches? Please don't be making him a lunch for work if that is the case.

I agree with pp who said to agree to him having as many evenings as he wants, so long as you have the same number of evenings for yourself.

He also doesn't get to dictate that your hobby should be exercise, just because his is because he needs the adrenaline! Maybe your hobby is book club, or going to the cinema.

If you husband is ex military, then he knows all about commitment, discipline and being part of a team that the armed forces require. That's exactly the same as being married. (ISTR being told the hardest job in the world is a serviceman's wife.) If he needs an adrenaline rush why can't he take up base jumping out of a tree? Sorry, I'm being sarkie.

Therapy aside, he needs to get a grip of himself, because therapy only really works if you want it to, and he obviously is quite happy to bimble along being a poor hard done to 'victim'. I'd suggest your anxiety issues are exacerbated by his attitude to family life.

Knitting is my hobby but it was put on hold for 10 years while I was raising children. My mental health would definitely have improved if I had had time to continue with it.

I understand op , my son is autistic with developmental delays and doing his bedtime routine is like herding cats , I'm very organised and an experienced parent but it's just so draining. One child can feel like 5 in some cases.

You can see that he's just looking for more and more reasons / excuses to get away from you / his family can't you....? He has essentially checked out of your relationship and family life and just wants to do his own thing. But yet you can't go out and do anything as he would "struggle" looking after his own child and 2 dogs for a few hours?!?!

OP - I know of teenagers who look after their young siblings and pets for a few hours each week with no issue. This is a fully grown man.

I'd also be massively concerned about a grown man who is ex-forces, capable of Muay Thai and wants to join the Marines, yet can't look after a toddler on his own.

Also worrying that you are both having therapy separately AND together and yet there are still so many issues. I would be saving time and money and binning therapy off completely as it clearly isn't working.

@IGB9723 You are getting my first ever LTB. Honestly, you will be so, so much better off on your own.

He wants to lead a single life with someone (you) at home to do all the domestic chores. He's doing his best to spend as much time out of the house as possible. So selfish!
Is this a relationship you really want for ever more? He's not going to change, so you need to either put up with it or finish the relationship.
I'd be running for the hills personally, and give myself a chance to start a new relationship in due course that was more equal and rewarding.

How old is your child that she's in charge of the house with her screamings and messing around every night?

Therapists, in general, don’t talk shite. Nor are they miracle workers.
There is nothing here about OP’s own hopes and dreams. It’s all what the husband wants, and her doing the wife work.
The fact that he stopped doing the hobby when she wasn’t there and fell apart says a lot. And then when ‘mummy’ comes home, he can go out to play again.
He is taking the piss. Yes, we all need outlets but not at the cost of the rest of the family.
And OP’s alone time should be spent doing exactly she wants. If she wants to sit in the park, it doesn’t matter.

He has a problem with his knees yet he manages muay Thai and wants to join the marines.

He's a useless sack of shit.

Sounds a bit adhd, seeking adrenaline to feel stable. Adhd and selfish