Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

Yes give him the two nights hobby, as long as u get two nights as well. Even if u have to go wandering around Asda or sit in ur car take two nights too, this will show him what u do when he is gone.

He needs to batch cook at the weekend every couple of weeks. I've started freezing portions into half cup size blocks so you can defrost it quicker as much as you need. And he's back by 8.30, plenty of time to do chores around the house. And daughter doesn't need a bath every night.

Because it sounds like the anger issues are a bullshit excuse for going off whizzing down mountains on a pushbike.

How on earth is going to do the marines part time if he can’t run?!😂 Sorry op but he sounds like a useless plonker who is unable to man up in real life.

What do you have control over op? Your actions. If you’re not asking him to leave, I’d say you’re not pulling your weight and I have to let something give. And: leave his clothes in the laundry, make sure there’s no food for him two nights a week. When he meal preps and supports, then you’ll cook for him. While he is leaving that to you and fucking off anyway, you don’t produce food for him. I’d also leave for an hour at difficult time min 2 nights a week and tell him he needs to cope, if he loves his daughter he will try.

but he sounds weak and entirely selfish and he doesn’t love either of you anywhere near enough to overcome that and stop focussing on himself, so I’d leave.

Yet another useless father and partner. Why bother with him?

I was told baths were actually bad for eczema even with Emollient bath or oat milk in - though I suppose it depends what her triggers are.

We left off baths - got scratch mits and tops and found finally found good moisturizing cream and put huge amounts on and then later found triggers but it was a long lonely journey - but it's certainly possible if the eczema is bad is why she playing up so much - it's painful.

Muay Thai is not going to help his anger issues OP. My DP used to do it and his testosterone was always heightened. Since he stopped, honestly he doesn't get angry/annoyed half as quick. It's obviously not the only factor by a long mile, but it won't be helping. Can't he try something more strategic but still martial arts like BJJ?

There is no way his therapist instructed him to do this… no way at all.
Ger some bullet proof contraception. You can not risk having any further children with this selfish man child. What a useless, indulgent excuse for a man. Stand firm. It would be a solid no on both fronts from me, tell him he clearly needs the practice as he can’t manage even 5 mins on his own. Pathetic.

I don’t think the issue is that he gets two nights a week, I think the issue is that he is not pulling his weight at all… and he wants to do even less! My ex use to always to matter on about how hard down by he was cos he wanted to do x, y with the ‘lads’ and I wouldn’t let him. It’s not that I wouldn’t let him, but I wanted him to want to spend time with us / his kids and it was a deal breaker for me.

I think you need to think really hard what you need, what your deal breakers are ans where you are willing to compromise.

im going to be really honest and tell you he sounds insufferable like a giant baby! I don’t think he’ll improve. If you were to go out 2 nights a week you’d come back to the absolute bare minimum being done and your cycle will continue!

It sounds as if his hobbies are intrinsic in maintaining his mental health? Not taking sides here, just noticing that could be a very difficult non negotiable position for you to be in?

He is seeing his child in terms of what she can give him, ie, happiness and joy. he doesn't seem to be thinking of what he committed to providing for her when he decided to have a child, ie, the hard work of parenting. He sounds utterly self centred. Get rid and see your anxiety lift by itself.

Agreed. I think the difficulty here is. My mental health massively suffers when I’m at home doing everything alone and wouldn’t expect my husband to do the same. It’s not that I can’t cope, it’s that is bloody overwhelming when I’m trying to manage everything, as well as my work and bills etc etc.
but he states he needs to do his hobby for his mental health. I think the difficult thing for me is. He could try find another physical activity that doesn’t have him out of the house during peak times in the evenings. But he wants to do that specific hobby.

To be honest you both sound shit parents.
Both of you have difficulty looking after ONE child.
He is selfish and telling lies. No good therapist would
encourage him to opt out of family life.
You are stupid in making excuses for his shit parenting.
Wake up and smell the roses.

Perhaps a compromise could be that he keeps one day for his hobby, then he alternates when he does a second day, so one week he does, one he doesn't.

2 days would be fine if he was pulling his weight with the chores/dogs. You should also be getting time for hobbies or just to sit and chill whilst he does bedtime etc.

I agree that when you're working, it's good to have support in an evening and that alongside all the jobs, 2 evenings would feel like a lot.

My wife fences and I (we're both women) like board games. I go out twice a week after I've put our 11mo to bed. My wife fences twice a week. On those days she isn't home at all until gone 9, so do feel the strain of cooking/bedtime routine etc, after being alone with baby all day. But I'm happy as I also get to go out twice a week. Atm I have to be present for bedtime as my baby breastfeeds to sleep, but when I can, I'll leave her with my wife.

Your husband needs to get used to parenting and having your daughter alone.

At the end of the day, if either needs to be equal, or for now his hobby needs to go on the back burner. It's the nature of parenting. Don't have kids and expect your life to be the exact same.

Or as you say, he needs to be flexible, and go and find a hobby he can do after bed time once a week for his second day.

It's going around in circles, OP. Everything suggested you have tried or wont work for one reason or another.

Men who WANT NEED BLAH get on my wick. Yes, dear, we all want our lives to go a certain way but sometimes, especially as parents, we can't HAVE IT ALL.

Put your foot down harder than he currently is. He needs to deal with the compromise or fuck off, frankly.

As a side note, if you do separate - would you be happy for your DC to be with this man overnight? He's made it quite clear he doesn't want the hard parts, his needs must come over all others and is verbally violent..

@IGB9723

My DH was an adrenaline junkie, too. Well, I guess he still is, but he's too old to do his 'hazardous sport' anymore. But the thing is, when our DC were small he managed to balance his sport and family life. Because an adrenaline junkie doesn't 'need' that rush anymore than an alcoholic 'needs' booze. They may want it, they may crave it, but they can do without it when needs must. So his therapist supposedly saying he 'needs more adrenaline' is absolute bullshit. He either has one of the worst therapists in the world OR he is lying to them about his 'needs' and his MH. IF it was even said at all, which I doubt.

Sometimes a partner's version of 'help' is worse than no help at all Because along with carrying the 'load' of home life virtually on your own, you also carry a load of resentment at watching him base his life on 'himself' rather than the family. And resentment weighs tonnes. And that's you right now, loaded down with the house, etc AND a huge load of resentment at him prioritizing himself and now demanding more of you. And whilst single parenting is hard, no doubt, the load can actually be lighter without that resentment weighing you down. The job is yours totally, yes, but at least you aren't watching someone swan out the door for 'me time' whilst you're doing just about all of it anyway.

My BFF said after she got ride of her useless exH, that although she was physically more tired at times, mentally she was light as a feather. AND she had less cleaning up, less laundry, less cooking, and in the end a bit more money! It may have been all her responsibility, but it was also all done by her rules, her routines, and her home to set up as she liked it with no interference from him and not having to take him into consideration one little bit.

At this point, I really think you need to turn the focus of your therapy from "Can my marriage be saved?" to "Would I be better off without him?". Ask your therapist to help you focus on and visualize that, both the good and the bad of being on your own with your child. I think if you focus on that you will also be focusing on your anxiety, a good deal of which I'm sure comes from your marriage.

I don’t think your comments about our parenting are particularly fair.
You have no evidence to go on to judge our parenting.
having a child is not easy. I love her and think she is fantastic, she’s hilarious and brings so much light. However, that does not mean she is easy and that I find it easy caring for her on my own. I think that’s completely fair enough.

likewise, he’s struggling. My point here, is whether I’m unreasonable to ask him to do his hobby at other times than bed times.

I think you are being way too easy going on this. Right from the beginning he should be prioritising his CHILD not himself. It’s sickening how indifferent he is. The child is spending all week in childcare or at gps, her father should be fully committed to her well being and spending time with her when he can.

You need to be honest with him. "If you continue being this selfish in our marriage, we will end up divorced. Is that what you want?"

And if he goes on about his mental health, ask him, "What about MY mental health?"

We all struggle with young children, this is nothing new. He needs to step up and be the adult. He is a parent now, and doesn’t have time for navel gazing quite frankly.

Your husband can want, have and enjoy a hobby but he doesn’t “need” one. What is he suggesting would happen if he didn’t go? Why is whatever would happen to him, worse than what happens to you when you are left alone?

I understand that activities and interests outside of family life are important but in my opinion they still have to be a part of family life rather than a complete absence from it.

My only suggestion would be to tell your DH that you appreciate he wants his hobbies and spare time but put the onus on him to find a solution that isn’t just you doing anything instead.

I am sorry that your child is so tricky. If your mum is also finding her tricky, would it be worth including the staff at nursery and your health visitor or GP in a search for some support here. There could be many reasons why she is a particularly tricky child. I’m not saying there is anything wrong, just that there may be support out there that could be part of the solution.

Maybe your child is hard work.
Some people are in charge of 2 or more as single parents.

@IGB9723 why can’t he cook? Or preprepare or make his own food

he isn’t making your life easier at all is he?

The child is probably becoming ‘tricky’ because she needs both parents attention and care, not just her worn out, exhausted close to burn out mother, children pick up on this stuff. They notice tension, discord and stress. He needs to bloody well grow up.