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Original poster

Husband's evening hobby making things hard

635 replies

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:44

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Whoknowshere · 08/05/2025 20:50

women In the uk do not realise how unfair the divorce law is on the women and kids in this country. Fathers can completely decide not to see their kids at all and the kid maintenance is a pittance. In Switzerland and Italy a judge rules that a father needs to see the kids 50% of the time and they have legal consequences if they don’t. A friend of mine used to travel a lot and he had to change job as he had to stay with his daughter every other week. No options. In the uk if the father can’t be bothered he might not even see the kids or 4 hours every 2 weeks, the whole brunt of the childcare goes to the mothers. It is crazy and I am shocked women accept it without protesting

Shotokan101 · 08/05/2025 20:57

He's a selfish prick, so just tell him, you need some "you time too", ask him if it's ok if you take up a hobby a couple if evenings each week as well.....

DysmalRadius · 08/05/2025 21:05

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.

So when he has unlimited time (but no childcare to abscond from) he suddenly doesn't need to do any hobbies? I think that tells you everything you need to know doesn't it?

Upandaneigh · 08/05/2025 21:08

YellowDuster12 · 08/05/2025 17:54

Easily?

Run around the park, chase them, have them chase you, go to a trampoline park, go down the super high slides together, it's not quite the same as jumping out of a plane but you can still get your blood pumping and have a blast chasing around after your kid!

Show quote history

Right.... So let's all replace our hobbies with taking kids to the park shall we? Because once we are parents, we aren't allowed interests that don't revolve around the kids?

Would people say that bollocks about a mum that wanted a hobby? Tell her "Take your kids to the park and run around a bit, that should provide all fulfilment and enrichment you need and if it doesn't there's something wrong with you"?

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 08/05/2025 21:15

I really don’t think it’s a big deal for a husband to have a hobby twice a week. But I also don’t see why that would stop him from helping around the house. Maybe he can make a proposal of how he will continue to support you the rest of the time? Like he will always put the slow cooker on twice a week, or will put a wash on 3 times a week. A little organisation goes a long way. Could you afford a cleaner to take the pressure off?

if I read correctly, you have 1 child to deal with? This shouldn’t be a big deal to handle twice a week. If you said you wanted to do something twice a week, I’m sure all of mumsnet would support you in that. I’ve started gyming 3 times a week and would be incredulous if I was prevented from doing that (and we have 3 children and both work) It’s important to remember to be a person not just a parent.

That said, the marines suggestion is mental.

It feels to me like his hobby is being blamed but actually there’s bigger issues here.

LookingAtMyBhunas · 08/05/2025 21:20

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her

Can you imagine if a woman said this 😂

WearyAuldWumman · 08/05/2025 21:37

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 08/05/2025 21:15

I really don’t think it’s a big deal for a husband to have a hobby twice a week. But I also don’t see why that would stop him from helping around the house. Maybe he can make a proposal of how he will continue to support you the rest of the time? Like he will always put the slow cooker on twice a week, or will put a wash on 3 times a week. A little organisation goes a long way. Could you afford a cleaner to take the pressure off?

if I read correctly, you have 1 child to deal with? This shouldn’t be a big deal to handle twice a week. If you said you wanted to do something twice a week, I’m sure all of mumsnet would support you in that. I’ve started gyming 3 times a week and would be incredulous if I was prevented from doing that (and we have 3 children and both work) It’s important to remember to be a person not just a parent.

That said, the marines suggestion is mental.

It feels to me like his hobby is being blamed but actually there’s bigger issues here.

Edited

If I'm understanding the OP's subsequent posts correctly, her DH is doing much more than going out for two nights a week: he seems to have abdicated most of his responsibilities as a father.

chugalugme · 08/05/2025 21:41

Sorry I haven’t read all the posts on here but I just wanted to ask-
Is there any chance you could pay for some help? It might ease the tit for tat feeling around childcare? Even if it’s someone who just does bed and bath with one of you two nights a week, to make it all feel less intense? A third person might also be able to give some perspective/help with your DD’s behaviours longer term?

I personally don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to want to pursue their hobby after having a child. But it does require planning so that the parent left at home doesn’t feel hard done by.

Anits52 · 08/05/2025 22:26

I wonder if he needs structure. Ex forces wife and mine struggles with our first. I set tasks he could help with, played to organisational training, meal planning, exercising with baby in pram and dogs to allow me to get on with cleaning. Over time he has mellowed. Allow him his hobbies limited to 2 nights but you get 2 as well. Make him cope on thise nights don't make excuses why he can't. They can follow orders in forces and deal with the adhoc they can do it in life.
You got this !!!! (It does get easier, he will grow up too)

RampantIvy · 08/05/2025 22:40

@VickyEadieofThigh and @goody2shooz my bad. I must have missed that post.
He actually has three time consuming hobbies. It sounds like he doesn't accept that his lifestyle must change now that he is a father.

BlueFlowers5 · 08/05/2025 22:41

He's a checked out father basically.

Offer to have one therapy session together..

Lovehascomeandgone · 08/05/2025 22:52

Sounds like my ex husband, struggled to cope with DS and struggled to cope with work, struggled to cope with breathing. Nothing will change unless you change it. Fundamentally you make the effort you want to make and it sounds like he can’t be bothered with his child and he is just being selfish.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 08/05/2025 22:57

@Chazbots , that was a great post and you make some really good points. Some of the kindest people I have worked with have been Neuro Divergent. Some have rejection sensitivity or demand avoidance. But without him getting a formal diagnosis and getting help to manage his condition it is impossible to know.

I have worked with a lot of peoples where it is obvious their poor mental health is due to being in a shitty relationship (overwhelmingly women). I regularly heard that the partner had depression/anxiety/ADHD/ASD but refused to go and get help. Of course, some people may be too scared/traumatized/distrustful to go and speak to a professional. But its also a great excuse for ducking responsibility. And unfortunately, a lot of men really dont think life should change when they have kids. From reading OPs posts, I just think this guy sounds like he is full of it.

DueJune2024 · 08/05/2025 23:04

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:04

He’s already told me he doesn’t find it fulfilling. He’s said he isn’t one of those men, and needs more than just fatherhood family and one hobby.
he does also have warhammer which he gets to go do upstairs once a week too. FYI.
He is also away with work one/two days a month.

Show quote history

I'm really sorry you are going through this with DH who clearly doesn't care. Seems way too invested in this "hobby". I know this sounds awful but are you sure he's not having an affair? Seems like he needs any excuse to be out all the time x

Munkyfuzzable · 08/05/2025 23:05

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:02

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.
He missed us and began falling apart.
he has started picking up more around the house, don’t get me wrong. But he could not do more if he had our daughter alone two nights a week. He would hate it.
She is amazing, but hard work. I think if he did he hobby one evening a week and one weekend day it’d be fine! But his hobby is limited to weeknights and he won’t compromise.

Show quote history

He didn’t miss either of you, I’m afraid. He missed having a maid.

Munkyfuzzable · 08/05/2025 23:19

OneRareCritic · 07/05/2025 13:03

I'm wondering if the decision to have a child was entirely mutual. A friend of mine is now having to face the fact that her husband would have preferred not to have any children but realised that his wife did want a family. They have one daughter. He has never been a hands on dad, but he has provided by working full time and at times has been the substantial financial contributor. My friend has learnt to accept the imbalance. I get the feeling that your husband is being more honest than most men about how he feels. My dad was in the RN, away for long periods. My parents marriage worked because they both accepted that being at home parent wasn't going to work for him and Mum realised how life would be from the start.

This is just an excuse for lazy fathers. It doesn’t matter that he’s not that interested in being a father, because now he IS one and needs to put in the effort. He doesn’t get to check out! He should have used his brain and thought about whether he actually wanted children beforehand, if that’s what is happening here, and found someone of the same mindset. Mothers are so often left to do everything, including the mental load of parenting, while men decide to opt out. Men need to stop making excuses and women need to stop enabling their ineptitude and have some self respect. This guy is utterly useless and selfish.

Littlejellyuk · 08/05/2025 23:28

I have never read the word 'hobby' so much in my entire life!!!
He has various commitments /hobbies /work /mental health needs, all consuming, all catered to him, every single day.
Ick. Ick. Ick.
He has no time for you.
He doesn't respect you.
Please do not get pregnant.
Maybe rehome the 2 dogs?
Move into your mums with your DD.
Deffo train to be a solicitor and be a bit more financially secure.
He's a prick, it will get worse, and he will grind you further and further down in the process. LTB.

noodlebugz · 08/05/2025 23:29

How did you find the trial separation you talked about?

Because other than selfishness and a bad temper I really don’t see what your husband is bringing to the party and surely it’ll only get worse?

tara66 · 08/05/2025 23:30

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 14:04

She needs them for her eczema. Has to be bathed in special oil.

Show quote history

My child had terrible eczema. The cure is in her diet. You need testing her for things she should not eat - like the night shade plants eg tomatoes.. DON'T use cortisone creams!

orangedream · 08/05/2025 23:34

DysmalRadius · 08/05/2025 21:05

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.

So when he has unlimited time (but no childcare to abscond from) he suddenly doesn't need to do any hobbies? I think that tells you everything you need to know doesn't it?

I was just about to say the same thing. He's using the hobbies to avoid family life. When you and your daughter aren't there, he's happy to sit on the sofa.

Munkyfuzzable · 08/05/2025 23:44

Lisachooky · 08/05/2025 15:41

Hubby has some kind of issues, mental health issues .....and he wants to join the marines ? I am the daughter of an ex marine.i know what I'm talking about.
It seems to me your hubby needs to sort out his mental health issues which are clearly much closer to home, er....doesn't want to be left with his own Daughter ??? I'd be telling him to get a grip, you can't physically and mentally do everything.good luck.

He likely doesn’t have mental health issues, he’s just using that as an excuse to opt out of doing anything. His ‘anger issues’ that only emerge at home, him wanting her to forego her career development, burdening her with pets when she’s already doing everything. He’s trying to ensure she has no options but to stay and be his maid (his ‘falling apart’ and not doing his hobby during their trial separation suggests he just misses someone catering to him). He’s brings nothing to their lives.

CaraMP01 · 08/05/2025 23:50

I think the two of you need to step away from the indulgent therapy nights and do something together..

Cariadm · 09/05/2025 03:31

Sounds to me that that 'horse has already left the stable' with good reason too IMO!! 🙄
It seems to be a common thing that many men enter into marriage and parenthood without considering that it might encroach into their own established way of life and that it should be a given that they're 'allowed' to just indulge themselves and not pull their weight with the child/homecare! 😡
There is an element of the '1950's' about this of course but I think it goes deeper and often has more to do with perhaps a mother absolving her son of any responsibilities as a child while expecting a daughter to help in house so he grows up feeling entitled to doing as he pleases!
Sadly many men don't get any pleasure from hands on caring for their children or even spending time with them and this I feel is one of those instances that the OP is experiencing...the 'doesn't like to be left alone with DD' for whatever reason is simply a get out clause so he doesn't have to do it? 🙄

bitterbuddhist · 09/05/2025 05:46

I think your husband is taking the piss. He’s not giving you any leeway at all.

Firethehorse · 09/05/2025 06:11

You are damaging yourself and your daughter by staying in this relationship and bringing her up under this dynamic.
There is nothing else to say, the rest is noise.