Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

It's slightly confusing, is it muy thai and some kind of bike related thing?

Op, I managed to qualify as a solicitor as a lone parent with support from my mother who was invaluable. My husband did not support me which is one of the reasons he became an ex. You will find it a lot easier on your own without trying to carry his weight as well.

My advice - just get on and do your training, get yourself a well paid job. Somewhere along the line you'll tell him to fuck off because he's holding you back.

It's a fairly common method of controlling you, deliberate or not.

The reality is your DD won’t be the same in September as she is now. There will be different issues. I think the best way to deal with this is to discuss it nearer the time when you now what she’ll be like. They change so much.

It also seems as a family you are struggling and I’m not sure it should be as hard work as you are both making it. Maybe you should consider if you are the right people for each other?

He's not on your team op. I wish you the absolute best , but as long as you're living with him you won't achieve your dreams.

He's not husband material. He tried and it's not working. Unless you learn to like parenting and running the house by yourself, you should think about making changes that benefit you and your child. Your husband does a good job of taking care of HIS needs.

Please don’t throw away your career aspirations because of him. It sounds like you have a huge opportunity right there. Think of all you can do for your daughter with that kind of salary and think how highly she’d think of you for training whilst she was little.

Your OH is acting like a single man when he has a wife and young child. I really think you need to take some power back and say it’s a joke that he’s asking for more time for himself when he’s offering nothing in return for the family unit. I’d tell him that he’s going to need to think about how it’s going to work when you’re training because it’ll be a priority for a limited time and is more important than hobbies.

I hope you don’t mind me asking but do you think he’d prefer you to not train? You’ll be busier and less able to cater to his every need if you have an intense training period/career. I fear he has you right where he wants you.

Hes an absolute pisstaker. Id vet my last fiver on his therapist not saying that.

Oh hes not getting enough down time? Well it sounds like you aren't getting any at all. Wtf do you see in a bloke like this?

A man who puts himself before his wife and child. You need to sit him down and have a grown up discussion about what it takes to be a parent and to accept as fair share of the work. Personally, I can't see that happening and you will run yourself ragged trying to cover his absences. Sounds a lot like my ex.

My first thoughts too

So what? Just say no.

At the minute you're just letting him walk all over you and then moaning about it.

Yes he is selfish and a shit partner. But you are really not helping yourself.

You mentioned it wasn't your idea to get dogs but somehow you are doing all the dog care. So rehome them! He doesn't get to decide that they are your problem.

Honestly he sounds like a very selfish and manipulative man who's whining about his mental health as an excuse to dump on you.

You really are better off without that shit in your life.

I’d be tempted to tell him he can choose what he wants to do every evening as he will be living elsewhere.

In all seriousness, he is extremely selfish, I couldn’t live with someone like that.

This! Massive man child. Hes beyond cringe and you'd both be better off without him.

As a man I can tell you this man does not want to be in this relationship sadly, he is doing everything he can to just not be there.

I think you must know that though to be honest don't you.

He's a dad now , he doesn't come first.
His kids does.
Adrenaline or not.
No to TA.
No to hobbies unless he steps up his game at home .
Else I'd be telling him why did he want a kid for if he a) wasn't prepared for the sacrifice it would take b) you aren't his unpaid servant , you work too and he's not pulling his weight & c) you are considering leaving him as a result of it and if he doesn't pull his weight, chores wise and otherwise u will.

Just wanted to say that my daughters eczema significantly improved when I bathed her less. Twice a week maximum as advised by a specialist. She went from significant scratching, bleeding and struggling to sleep through the night to manageable and mild discomfort. Worth a try and one less thing for you to do.

I can’t believe after all the advice you’ve been given, the conclusion you’ve reached is to stay with him and give up your aspirations.

Lots of people think they are doing the right thing by staying for the kids- but you really aren’t. You just end up with kids who are emotionally traumatised.

Please do not have any more children with this awful man! & rehome the dogs too. oh, and get rid of your DH !

That's probably me.

Defo, you can have ADHD and be an arse or not.

The issue is that if you are an arse with ADHD, it's a bit like being an alcoholic and the chasing of highs, novelty and excitement will always be more interesting that the mundane needs of family life with stability and routine.

I've been married for donkey years, I'm not an arse (and female) but a lot of the blokes I know with traits are really onto their 2nd or 3rd wife with kids with each and it's all a bit depressing. Then they're in and out of jobs or have a hobby that involves a tonne of money and kit, then stops doing it once the kit has been bought and they're bored.

Like alcoholics or druggies, always chasing feeling good or whatever...

This is the bullshit side of "self care". It's become a reason to be a narcissist.

I miss the days when responsibility and duty had some meaning.

Clearly self care should not be completely ignored. But nor should it become the primary concern when you have kids.

I feel so sorry for your daughter. She will start to pick up on the fact her dad doesn’t enjoy being her parent. You both deserve better

Appreciate what you’re saying about wanting to enjoy time at home, but it sounds like he’ll
never learn to adult and parent whilst he knows you’re there and in his eyes “available”.

Could you maybe pop over to your mum’s a couple of times a week and study there for a couple of hours?

Would you both be better off apart permanently.?

Why are you together?

Totally agree with this OP!

He really IS a waste of space, and it sounds as if you agree but are just a bit reluctant to take the plunge and dump his arse.

However, if you still want to keep trying, could you not spend YOUR 2 nights a week studying, but not at home? Tell him that you're going to your Mum's or a friend's for YOUR 2 nights of the week, you're going as soon as you finish work, so it's up to him to feed, bath, and put LO to bed. If he says he can't, just ask him 'what use ARE you exactly?'

I also wouldn't be walking the dogs on the nights he's doing his hobbies, he wanted TWO, BIG dogs, you'd have been happy with one smaller one, and he promised walking them wouldn't be a problem, so he can walk them when he gets home at 8.30 or 9pm. It's amazing how many people have to do that, and most of them find it's a relaxing way to wind down at the end of the day.

I really do think it's time for you to lay down the law to him, and tell him that he either shares everything about your life together, doing his full 50% share, or you are out, as you're sick of being his unpaid skivvy.

@IGB9723 i did the LPC part time (one day a week) and did my TC alongside supported by my firm. It is a LOT of reading. I used to commute by train and i was able to do it then. You’d be able to do as a mum but you’d need to dedicate the time. I say go for it!!

sounds like you don’t have any time together as a couple. He’s also very selfish wanting all his own time to do hobbies etc but wouldn’t support you to progress in your career?! You are clearly intelligent but I don’t think you are seeing the obvious. Dump his ass and get on with raising your daughter which you are already doing!

No new advice from me, but on a practical level, get him to pay for a cleaner OP, and maybe a dog walker twice a week.