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Original poster

Husband's evening hobby making things hard

635 replies

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:44

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

OP posts:
CheekyRaven · 09/05/2025 19:40

Get a cleaner. Ask if you can do your thing twice a week..

llizzie · 09/05/2025 19:42

RampantIvy · 09/05/2025 18:54

I have read far too many threads on MN from women who have had children with men who were quite ambivalent about having them in the first place then who have abdicated all responsibility of being a parent.

I also know several women in RL who wanted children more than their husbands did, and guess what - they all ended up being single mothers.

Why do women do this? Why can't they let their heads rule their hearts?

Having children should be a joint decision with both partners wanting them equally.

IMO, women shouldn't coerce men into (unwanted) parenthood.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying the OP did this, but having children with a man who is obsessive about spending a lot of time on his "hobbies" should have been a huge red flag.

Show quote history

Should have been. Perhaps now more women will realise it, though I suppose the urge of motherhood is sent by nature to increase the population, as though it needs increasing.

goody2shooz · 09/05/2025 21:14

CheekyRaven · 09/05/2025 19:40

Get a cleaner. Ask if you can do your thing twice a week..

Love it. ‘Ask’ your partner/husband if you can have a little hobby. ASK HIS FN PERMISSION??? Have you read the ops posts?

Twinmaker · 09/05/2025 21:29

What is the hobby? Would it give more context? x

AnaisVB · 09/05/2025 21:57

You’re feeling anxious because your husband is a selfish twat and isn’t making you feel safe or secure.

You should have couples therapy instead and work out a way he can be less self involved.

SparklyLeader · 09/05/2025 22:04

You take two nights off a week and make it his full responsibility to be home and do all the parenting duties on those nights. Make a list for him with directions then walk out of the house. He has a new hobby, and it's his child.

This man needs to grow up and come to terms with his life as it is now, not what it was. He has a major life change with a baby. His therapist sounds worthless. He must quit dumping his responsibilities onto you, immediately. To be clear, his responsibilities are half the parenting and half the housework and full time husband.

Are you sure his hobby isn't actually skirting his responsibilities and dumping his work on you? Pretty sure it is. You are letting him do this.

GiveDogBone · 09/05/2025 22:30

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:48

also - he has also asked if I’d be annoyed if he were to join the marines part time… he used to be in army and ta and this took up so many weekends.
We have no family near (parents an hour away) and two dogs so I am stuck home unable to do much whilst he is gone!

I see the MN man-haters are out in force on this thread. If he was in the Army, did he see active service, or what was his reason for joining? Many people leaving the army have mental health problems for all sorts of reasons (and some have problems going in), the suicide rates of ex-servicemen are shocking. It’s precisely the sense of “belonging” that attracts a certain type of person, and it sounds like that’s what he is trying to replicate.

Keep working with the mental health professionals and ignore all the amateur man-haters replying to this thread.

Shotokan101 · 09/05/2025 22:48

Tell him fi e, but you're attending evening classes three nights a week so he needs to work around that, and you're thinking of joining the TA..... he's a self important egotistical dickhead.....

Littlejellyuk · 09/05/2025 23:16

DysmalRadius · 08/05/2025 21:05

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.

So when he has unlimited time (but no childcare to abscond from) he suddenly doesn't need to do any hobbies? I think that tells you everything you need to know doesn't it?

👆 THIS IN A NUTSHELL!
💯 TRUTH

In the 3 months apart, he didn't do his hobby once. WOW.

He is avoiding being a family man.
What a twat 💯

Ownedbykitties · 09/05/2025 23:56

Sounds to me like there's too much different therapies going on all at one time. That's just not helpful. Your poor children.

Westnortheast · 10/05/2025 00:39

OP, I suggest DH tries antidepressants. I think he is seeking an outlet becuase being a parent is hard. He is hiding away from the responsibilities and pushing them onto you. He may be telling himself that you do parenting better, you are quicker at bed/baths, children are happier etc etc and of course he feels better when he has time to focus his mind on something else and …everything is dealt with for him at home.
lots of different ways of doing this

  1. say no, hobby max 1 night per week
  2. Yes go ahead, but ask him to flex his work hours and collect and feed , bath the kids regularly
  3. LTB when you have ducks in a row

This types drives me mad crazy with rage. Mainly because I have one too. He has realised parenting is hard and hates coming home to deal with the hard, tedious reality of everyday parenting and running a household but instead of working together, he has ceremoniously dumped all of that onto you. Hard to respect or feel romantic towards any man does that to his wife and children. Is he like a Disney dad occasionally on weekends and occasionally suggest you should have a night out (so that he feels no guilt and can vociferously state how supportive he is). Does he genuinely considers himself a great dad and husband? I have one of those. I have put up with it for financial security reasons but , it is not my longterm plan.

Todayismyfavouriteday · 10/05/2025 00:52

You seem to find it hard to stand up to him. If he needs two evenings out a week, so do you. Pick an evening course/ a reading club/ any activity you like, and say 'you 're out Wednesday and Friday, I will be out Monday and Thursday. We both have a child and a job, we both need time for ourselves.' Full stop.

EMUKE · 10/05/2025 06:26

Wake up! His life has changed now. No you need to put a stop to this now! It’s not ok. ASIF you could just drop everything and have “you” time. He needs to learn how to care for his child, god forbid you become unwell and he needs to handle the house, work, childcare. Grow up man! Considering he had an army background I’m surprised he is not more regimental. Us mums give up our body’s and lives, who does he think he is?

PurpleRobe · 10/05/2025 07:11

Measure your leisure.

For every hour he gets away from the childcare and house work... you should get the same and do the same.

If they aren't enough hours in the week... he will need to reduce his leisure time so that it is equal.

His leisure time isn't more valuable than yours.

Alip1965 · 10/05/2025 08:16

cadburyegg · 07/05/2025 12:53

2 nights a week for a hobby is perfectly reasonable but joining the marines isn’t.

Leave your daughter with him more often and tell him to get a grip on looking after her properly. Otherwise you’ll grow to resent him.

Hmmm maybe not if he's has MH issues and feels he can't cope with a baby at the moment. Maybe he has PTSD .

Unfortunately some people can't manage life. Even when they thought they could. Be kind to all involved including yourself.

olympicsrock · 10/05/2025 08:29

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:26

The thing is. He is so loving with her. He loves seeing her and she brightens up his day. But when it comes to the responsibility and the difficult parts, he’d rather be out doing his hobby.

And that’s shit

Seagoats · 10/05/2025 08:31

2024onwardsandup · 07/05/2025 12:51

Bollocks his therapist said that

When you're paying enough alot will say whatever you want to hear
I agree tho, it's bollocks

olympicsrock · 10/05/2025 08:33

Honestly OP - let him go . This will just get worse and worse. He will feel caged because he can’t have what he prioritizes and you will be exhausted and resent him.
Find a decent man who will wants to be an active part of a family.
I’ve been there, given the ultimatum , asked him to leave and he stepped up reduced the hobby and is present . But … his hobby didn’t have a fixed time and he wasn’t ex forces…

This is No Hope territory

HerNeighbourTotoro · 10/05/2025 09:14

Twinmaker · 09/05/2025 21:29

What is the hobby? Would it give more context? x

I always love the nosy question about what the hobby is- does it matter? Why would it give morre context?

Imdoodleladie · 10/05/2025 10:47

Very typical of a father who was/is (wants to return even part time) to one of the forces. His behaviour is very common. You would be surprised. They just can't deal with family life. Many women divorce these men. Not advice just a comment.

cazcaz2 · 10/05/2025 11:19

Tell him hes taking the piss

Runaway1 · 10/05/2025 11:43

Firethehorse · 09/05/2025 06:11

You are damaging yourself and your daughter by staying in this relationship and bringing her up under this dynamic.
There is nothing else to say, the rest is noise.

This.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 10/05/2025 14:59

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:56

We’re having couples therapy on 2 Wednesdays a month too! He told our counsellor he was happy with our arrangement - two nights a week while my mum has our daughter for one of the nights. But it’s never enough. Feel like he always wants more.

Show quote history

This is giving vibes of "when I'm with my wife and daughter it's a massive sacrifice for me" when it should feel like a blessing (don't get me wrong, kids and are hard work but ultimately you choose them and shpuld want them in life). I feel like he needs a chat about why he's signed up for a wife and daughter if he gets his pleasure, energy and sense of self from very solo pastimes. I feel in these situations you're often better off apart because he doesn't actually want to be with you both, and you're ultimately a single mother with a live in lodger who deems anything and any time with/for you as a sacrifice he should be thanked for. It's not so much "how much time is reasonable?" But "why do you not want to be here?" - that's the bigger question.

Challenger2A7 · 10/05/2025 17:52

Sorry, but did he actually want a baby? Was he pushed into it? Never assume a baby will "pin a man down", and never assume that because he shags you he wants a baby. Men very rarely think like that, but unfortunately many women are absolutely obsessed with babies babies babies.

Manypets · 10/05/2025 17:53

Why dont you agree, and ask him to arange support in the way of a cleaner, or babysitter. Win for you both and your daughter assuming it's stressful for one or both of you.

No point in stopping someone soong something they clearly want to. They will start to resent yoi. Let him, on the condition he recognises the impact and arranged appropriate support.