Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

I'm infuriated on your behalf, OP. Your husband is a lazy selfish prick who thinks you're his skivvy.

I know you love your daughter but there is no way I’d be having any more children with this man.
Honestly, he lives on another planet.
In therapy once, when I was buckling caring for someone who had started to be demanding, I was asked…
What would the other person do if you went to
sleep and didn’t wake up?
I am not wishing it on me, you or anyone else but what would this man do?
You might as well be a single parent. Because that is what you are. You are becoming his parent as well.
When you have a child your lives change. You can’t live as before. There is no need for him to have so much time out of the house.

I know you said he missed you and fell apart during your 3 month separation. How did you feel during those 3 months?

Personally, I think your life would be so much easier if you divorced him!

Slightly unrelated but is there a chance your little one has allergies? Both my daughters had milk allergies and it is really common. It would explain your daughter’s skin issues, night wakings and being difficult. If her poops are soft and have mucus in them then this would suggest an allergy to something she is eating. If not then the skin issues could be an allergy to your dogs.

Can you either of you afford to cut one day a week and pay child care for that extra day.
That could be an admin/ chore day or pay for a cleaner.
Something needs to give and it shouldn't be you.I think a cleaner would be a good start , see how that goes than one of you cut a day but still pay for nursery.
TBH it doesn't get any easier as they get older and some people really struggle with the commitment of being a parent.
My parents used to look after my child while I cleaned the house , my youngest was very asthmatic and the whole house needed to be deep cleaned weekly, his room daily.
I also used to take days of work and leave them in nursery to catch up with chores.
I think you both need to sit down and have a proper talk about responsibility and the input required to raise a child means.
I also have ME and tbh as I discovered later in life life doesn't stop I'd you don't do chores and it's really okay not to do most of them

What a useless tool.

You could try marriage counselling but I’d cut my losses and cut him loose.

I am very sorry but that is not how it works. If you are not sure about having children you either use contraception or just don’t have sex. If you have a child you need to step up and be an adult.
Let’s stop making excuses for absent fathers.
I am very sorry if that happened to your friend.

When he is ever bloody at home?

Seriously, what do you need him for? You're doing it all anyway

He sounds like a complete prat and taking you for a ride, taking you for all you can give. Time to wave and say goodbye

Sounds like he has ADHD (unfixed) and your DD may well too, as it's very genetic and sleep issues are part of it.

I'd dump his arse if he can't get it treated or assessed and I have ADHD...way easier if managed, even without meds.

Even if DD doesn't and is just naturally lively, the ADHD techniques will help with looking after her. So being good with transitions, managing overwhelm and not trigger stacking.

Him being angry around the house will not help. If his therapist doesn't understand ADHD, therapy won't work, just make him more manipulative.

You've tried negotiating changes and that's not worked

You've tried leaving him and you went back as he was falling apart.

You wanted one dog but got 2 and he doesn't walk them

You're training for professional exams and he's not supportive.

Time for a radical re-think - and you will need to be sure and firm on this. He's being very selfish and you need to be looking out for yourself and your DD but he isn't.

First of - re-home the dogs. Staffies need a lot of exercise, at least an hour a day. If he can't pull his weight with your DD and the house then dogs are a luxury you can't afford.

Second - at the couples therapy - make it absolutely clear - he gets 2 evenings a week out of the home. Whether it's martial arts, TA, dinner with Dad, that up to him, but 2 max. And only 1 day at the weekend. As lets be honest if he does re-join the TA, that's one evening a week and probably every other weekend. And there is no way I would agree to 5 night training for Maui Thai in lead up to a fight.

Third - book yourself in for an appointment with one of your partners to get a feel of how things would be if you separated. Because being absolutely frank with you - he's left the relationship if he's talking about joining the TA and training 5 nights a week. No sincere father would even countenance this.

Why are you trying to work on this OP? He consistently shows he is selfish and does not care about the impact of his decisions on you. For the person suggesting this is ADHD - is it bollocks - ADHD does not make you a selfish arse. OP, you went back because HE was falling apart. At this point, that is his problem.

Very convenient hobby that means he can opt out of family life, then claim he can’t cope alone with his own child. It sounds like really he wants the single lifestyle.
he sounds manipulative and self indulgent, and happy for you to exhaust yourself

You're not being unreasonable. It sounds like there would be less pressure on you as a single parent because you'd be able to batch cook, and would have childfree time when he has your DD. I sympathise with the difficult child bit - one of mine was v difficult and the other super-easy. Maybe use your marriage counselling to decide if you want to be together still, and if so agree reasonable expectations. If he needs an adrenaline rush he could always do gym/ cycling etc after bedtime - really he's looking for reasons not to be around. Good luck x

Couples therapy ?? - perhaps much more productive than individual in your situation. You need to address matters as a team.

I’ve only read OPs posts as thread is long, but have I got it right that he won’t support your actual grown up career and family future so he can play at fighting/play soldiers/play with fantasy models? WTAF.

He does a contact martial art and has anger issues?
Bought two status dogs against your wishes.
Is utterly selfish about his own exercise/hobby needs versus your time to yourself.
He won’t pull his weight around the house. He’s got food issues. Won’t cook but tried to control what you feed your daughter.
Can’t parent alone.

Unless he has the famed MN golden cock, you need to run, not walk, out of this relationship OP.
Everyone’s in therapy. Nobody’s happy.
Your mum is supportive, you have a career development plan. Imagine yourself a better future here please.

What is it with these men who will not let anything get in the way of their hobbies?

Did he even want a child? Everything you write about this manchild indicates that he wasn’t keen.

What is it with mumsnetters that partners always have a mysterious hobby? Just say what it is.

So he needs both counselling and hobby for his mental health, whilst his relationship and family take third and fourth place

How the fuck does anyone get adrenaline from childcare?

She HAS said. Read her posts.

@RampantIvyWhat is it with these mumsnetters complaining the op hasn’t posted what the damn hobby (or in this case HOBBIES+) but actually she HAS?! Read her posts, it’s all there.

Dodge ball? Base jumping? Synchronised swimming?

You’re certainly not showing your dd what good healthy relationships look like. As she gets older, she too will see you as a doormat. She will also see this as normal

How old is your daughter, and what time is her bedtime? How long does it take for her to go to sleep for the night, from the start of your bedtime routine?

Easily?

Run around the park, chase them, have them chase you, go to a trampoline park, go down the super high slides together, it's not quite the same as jumping out of a plane but you can still get your blood pumping and have a blast chasing around after your kid!