Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

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He is treating you so, so unfairly.

Could you get a babysitter 2 nights a week so you can study?
If you end up a single parent it would make financial sense and be an easier life to be earning more as a solicitor.

PS: DH and I have one child and plenty of hobbies and time for ourselves. We both have no family support nearby so anything fun we do is usually separate with our own friends unfortunately, unless it's in the day and with our child all together. But we do stuff. Weekends or weeks away with friends, instrument lessons and practice, video gaming, meals out. It's very balanced. One thing I highly recommend is sleep training once your kid is 6m old, it makes life so much kinder for you all when you know bedtime will be a nice calm straightforward process each evening and then you will have several hours to chill and rest before a good night's sleep. We both felt very happy with being on our own for days at a time parenting with sleep sorted as we knew it wasn't gonna be day after day of increasing exhaustion.

But regardless that's by the by. Currently it seems he gets to do everything he pleases and you're expected to just exist to parent. What a selfish, small little man.

You are being absolutely played here OP.
You are having to give up your career because your DH has to play games twice a week and won’t look after his DC.
There is so little respect and care for you and your dc in this relationship.
What do you believe about yourself and relationships that makes this something that you are prepared to accept?

I mean…you know that you’re married to a lying, selfish toad - don’t you?

Either he’s involved in martial arts and his knees are absolutely fine or he’s spending his evenings doing something quite different.

Cycling?! With bad knees?

I suppose he thinks having a child is your hobby.

Pretty dire soldier material if he can’t get his shit together at home. He sounds selfish and irresponsible. Feel for you, OP.

I still can’t fathom why this is so difficult. If he is going out for two evenings a week, why don’t you do the same? Then you can’t end up helping with dinner and bedtime.

Obviously in an ideal world you’d be a partnership, but that seems to have broken down, so your only option is to be proactive to take alone time.

A lot of people won’t and don’t understand. But I get a lot of my enjoyment from doing things at home. I shouldn’t have to leave my own house to get time to myself. I obviously appreciate your advice and im not just disregarding it, but a lot of the things I really enjoy involve being at home.

If you want to train to be a solicitor you need to do it. To be blunt, if things don't improve with your DH you will need your own reliable source of income.

Is it the SQE you need? Have you looked at courses near you? If you are physically out of the house to study at least one evening a week you will be able to focus - your dh can do warhammer after he gets dd to bed.

BTW bed times will get significantly easier over the next few months/years (unless you have another baby! If possible don't do that while you have study plans)

I haven't read any of the replies but is his hobby freemasonry ? We have the same issues but he has reduced the meetings he attends now and will pick up the pace when children are older . I've found having my own hobbies helps if you can find and afford the childcare . He does pull his weight the evenings he is home and I barely have to do anything plus we share equally on weekends.

Joining the marines seems excessive

Warhammer not freemasonry :)

Of course you should be able to have time to yourself in your own home. I think people are suggesting that you go out because otherwise you’re getting embroiled in bedtime and dinner because your husband won’t stand on his own two feet.

@IGB9723 he says without it he feels crap.
And WHAT ABOUT YOU??? You’re feeling burnt out, can’t progress your career, can’t get proper ‘me time’….but no that doesn’t matter or even register?? It’s utterly ridiculous. You need to decide what you want the rest of your life to be like and go for it. Would you want a marriage like this for your daughter? I get it - you’re exhausted and hurting from his neglect of you - but every change starts with small steps.

So you can stunting your own career development and growth because he can adult himself?

It isn’t about his hobby (although that is fairly awful) it is because he won’t do the things you need him to do to support you in that. You don’t think you have the time not only because of the things YOU need to do but because he won’t do them.

look at the frozen meals he doesn’t think it is good enough but he won’t do anything

ultimately you will twist and twist yourself into a ghost of yourself because he won’t allow you any space to be yourself

you can’t stay with him - surely leaving will free ho time for you to be the solicitor you should be

It’s a weird one. It’s not the SQE route my firm want to put me through, as I can still do the LPC. And they want to provide a proper training contract. As I work 4 days a week, it’ll take me 2 years to do the LPC and 2.5 years to do my training contract, although I can actually do them concurrently.

theyre all things I’m going to discuss with him to be honest. He said to me last night “you decided you wanted a baby before being qualified”… because we had discussed that we’d make it work for me to qualify once we had our child.

but being out one evening a week to do that would help.

also, as my husband says… he’s too tired to do things like warhammer once she is in bed. So that would get thrown in my face.

a bit like asking him to do some. Chores at home once he’s back from his hobby at half 8/9.

I completely understand and agree.
I am considering all options. I am not set in stone. If I’m told this evening that he can sacrifice a hobby for my careeer temporarily then I think I’ll be gone.

likewise, if he won’t accept me staying at my mums once a week and using frozen ready meals; then he can figure it out when I’m not here and he’s got the responsibilities i usually deal with (you watch, he’ll get a cleaner and a nanny)

What hobby?

This sounds almost totally unreasonable to me (almost because of the therapy aspect). I'm not medically qualified, but I think he needs help around the issues he has with DD. As for wanting to join the Marines and presumably have his hobby as well, words fail me.
I suggest some family counselling, and if he refuses or doesn't improve, then move out - maybe stay with your parents while you sort things out?

Oh come on @Griff1963 - read her posts. Warhammer, cycling, martial arse, chatting to chums, therapy - anything to get out of the house.
(And yes - I meant martial arse. Though an arse is actually useful….)

He is a liar who can’t imagine keeping a commitment to you or his daughter. Everything else is just foggy thinking on your part. The man can make a commitment to training five nights a week but can not make and keep a commitment to walk his own dogs because ge will not. At some point you need to see the handwriting on the wall.

He’s opted out of family life
I think the majority of men are ambivalent about having children; they don’t want their lives and routines disrupted;

I strongly believe you should train for your career;
you’re going to need it!

build your own life and self esteem.

your husband is completely pointless
you’ll be much happier without him

Swap to eczema cream that isn't applied in the bath.
Don't Bathe DD two days per week. Simplify parenting until you can manage.
Hire a babysitter when needed.
Accept that husband goes out for hobby once per week and once on the weekend.
If he complains, ask him if he needs to adopt out the kid?
He is behaving like he is a batchelor.

Organise a date night once a fortnight.
Ask DH to plan where. It's weird that he is so into his hobby but not into his family - expect him to step up. Expect him to enjoy doing so.
Make life more fun in as many ways as you can.
Consider ceasing the therapy and spending more time together.

Hubby has some kind of issues, mental health issues .....and he wants to join the marines ? I am the daughter of an ex marine.i know what I'm talking about.
It seems to me your hubby needs to sort out his mental health issues which are clearly much closer to home, er....doesn't want to be left with his own Daughter ??? I'd be telling him to get a grip, you can't physically and mentally do everything.good luck.