Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

I'm a bloke, ex army and a hands on Dad to 4 incredible daughters all aged under 8. He's got duties and that's his kids and family.

That doesn't mean to say he can't do things but in moderation, it's excessive.

If I needed that much time away from my family I would find it incredibly unfair that my Mrs has to pick up the slack.

I've been paying for a gym membership for the last 2 months and I've not gone once. Not because I don't want to go but I'm needed here. My youngest daughter does not sleep well, I'm up in the night every night.

I get to have a career so I go to work and when I'm home I take over sometimes with my Mrs support and sometimes she goes and does something like self care, Sims, nails or whatever.

Even then we never get the balance right but your doing too much. You're a single parent by the sounds of it.

Just a couple of thoughts.... If you let your hubbie join the TA and he is paid for it could you get a little paid help? May be a young person who could help looking after your daughter, with meal prep and housework? Just for the nights he is out?

I notice your comment about picky eating. I have a family of picky eaters!! My latest solution is to have for every day a protein that goes in the airfryer eg burgers, chicken etc plus a veg or a chopped salad and potatoes or rice if wanted. Could also be an omelette with cheese for the protein which is very quick. This can be served very quickly and you can add ketchup or mayo and put it all out for self serve.

it’s absolutely pointless giving you advice as you have an answer for everything. You are letting your child rule the roost & pandering to your absolutely useless husband. You are both a pair of yaps.

Not sure that’s particularly fair. I have tried most things and therefore the advice is, while helpful and nice to hear, not always going to be the answer.
my daughter is 20 months old. She is not ruling the roost.
I have decided to stay at my mums one evening a week (the day she will be looking after her and therefore I have to collect her) and use frozen meals in the Fridays (bought!) as my husband seems incapable of using any of his time to prep them and expects me to find and use my free time to do it (not that I have much.)
he’s not happy about it. He doesn’t like the idea of my daughter having ready meals or frozen cooked meals from the shop. But that’s tough, imo. He wants to do his hobby two nights a week. This is what helps me. I’m going to do a bath every other night and see if that helps and aids her eczema.
im also going to suggest he use the evening after his hobby to get some jobs round the house done whilst me and my little girl are pat my mums.
going to see how long it all lasts before he requests more time to do his hobby (he’s mentioned before that if a fight comes up he’d like to be able to train 5 evenings a week in the 4 weeks leading up to it).
he told me last night that he shouldn’t have to give up his life for the next four years for me to progress in my career (become a solicitor)… so looks like I’ll be stuck on minimum wage for the foreseeable whilst he enjoys his hobbies several times a week.

to all those saying it’s only 2 evenings. Yes, and I think it’d be manageable if I ever got an evening off to myself. But I’m ALWAYS roped into dinner/bath/bed. My last evening off I walked the dogs… which when they’re two large staffies, pretty difficult. Again, not my idea to get two strong dogs.

We’re going to have a discussion tonight, but ultimately. My daughter comes first. It just seems unfair that in order to ensure my daughter comes first, I let my husband do his hobby and ensure she is taken care of and he doesn’t lose his shit whilst looking after her.

im also looking into her sleeping and trying to find ways to help that. I managed on my own last night to reduce her need for a bottle to soothe; so next step is to get her to self soothe without a bottle. NO, I will not use the CIO method.

Thanks everyone for your advice, most of which has been super helpful, even where not necessarily on my side. It’s helpful nonetheless.
to those that were pretty horrible about me, my parenting and ability to cope, even where only one child, maybe learn to be a little less judgmental and offer some constructive advice. If not, don’t comment. Bet you were bullies in school.

Why are you with this man? He clearly doesn’t want to be a father, he just wants you to be in servitude to him and not your own career.

You are going to drop your career aspirations for his hobby?

yeah… at this point I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I could actually go through the stress of exams and longer hours when he is the way he is. He says he can’t cope without his hobby, but I couldn’t qualify as a solicitor and do my LPC whilst working full time and him doing his hobby twice a week…
definitely something I need to think about.

You would 100% be better off without this waste of space. What is he bringing to the relationship or parenthood exactly?

Why exactly do his needs trump yours?

I’m sorry OP but the more you talk the more vile he sounds. Stop pandering to him. If you leave him and share custody you at least would have reasonable time to pursue things that fulfil you in your life. And he can do his hobby on his own time. Then you’re not also spending hours catering to the giant man baby in your bed or two strong dogs you didn’t want that seemingly he isn’t caring for fairly either.

My husband also always makes the point that he doesn’t get to do his physical hobby more than once a week; which is often true. Because he is either doing counselling, away with work (in which he goes out for dinner with his dad, or visits his two friends!) or he is doing another activity, ie cycling with work; our daughter is poorly etc etc. but 9/10 he is getting an evening to himself. But he still thinks it’s unfair he can’t do his hobby 2 evenings a week AND be away with work/go cycling with work/meet up with his friend locally etc etc.

But he makes it so difficult if I want to do something and usually asks immediately “are you taking X (daughter) with you?”

It will benefit you and your daughter SO MUCH MORE if you can become a solicitor, than if you stay with this extremely difficult man. Yes it's going to be hard doing exams but it's hard anyway living with him. Choose where to put your energy. All the best.

She has said why. It contains a necessary eczema treatment.

@IGB9723 I’m really sorry to hear you’re shelving the plan to progress your career. ( And not surprised that the two dogs weren’t your idea. How about rehoming the dogs, and the husband?) Is there no way you can still progress your career? Is that doable if you split? Seems to me the resentment towards your h will build and build til it completely kills any love you have/had for him. The contempt he shows you by his refusal to do anything to make your life easier or better is quite something. He refuses to help you progress your career and gets two hefty dogs to add to your load. I’d be planning my escape.

Serious question OP, why are YOU still finding ways to make all the adjustments here? Why are you only considering staying with this man and not the alternative? On a whole, are you actually happy?

I just want to make it clear that I wanted a dog. I did not completely put my foot down re two, but I did make it extremely clear that I would not be able to walk them alone and handle them alone. He confirmed he would of course manage it and we wouldn’t have to walk them alone (oh hindsight!)
But still.

“Waaaa, I decided to have a family with my wife including two dogs and a young baby. Life is SO unfair. I sadly only get to do hobby X one evening a week, while hobbies A, B, Y and Z take up other evenings. My wife won’t let me have the other 2 evenings to pursue my dreams because apparently she is also a person?? And has needs?? And she has this horrible notion that I should be responsible for my own child(!!!) and help out in the house.

My wife could be a solicitor by now but I won’t allow this to happen because then she’ll be too busy to wipe my arse.”

How do you force yourself to sleep with this creature exactly?

What I have learnt from my own experiences is that men like this can't see that they are doing anything wrong, they can't see that they aren't supportive. All they see is their own wants and needs. That's not to say that this is malicious, although it might be. My own husband is definitley ADHD and possibly autistic. He was training for a sporting event and had a meltdown when I suggested that I might like to have the opportunity to go to the gym in the week.
I have learnt that I have tell him that it's happening and then physically leave. And not feel guilty about my daughter. He is a good dad, but will use weaponised incompetance where ever possible. For my own sanity I have to put myself and my need first.

I would suggest working out what you want/need. And then negociate with him in black and white simple terms. Stop letting him tell you he can't look after your daughter online.

He says meeting up with his dad/friends is now where near the same as his hobby and he still needs time to do that, other evenings of the week. He said without it he feels crap and needs it. Otherwise he doesn’t feel he has a purpose.
He doesn’t get to do his warhammer lots, but probably average once a week.

So you admit he’s worn you down enough to give up your own life and identity to cater purely to his wants, needs and desires? And you’re willing to submit to him entirely because, really, it’s just easier?

Hey, have another baby with this man. In for a penny, in for a pound amirite!?

For god sake leave and find someone who values YOU.

What a saddening update. Your giving up your career for his hobby. Truly disappointing to read.I hope whatever you think is beneficial to your staying in this relationship does bring you whatever that is and that it is worth this huge sacrifice.

Despite the heat you have gotten am sure you a wonderful mum. Would you hope for your daughter to make the same choice one day? Would all the hard work you are putting in now to nourishing her person feel fulfilling? If you was to see her throw away her aspirations so a man can go and play?

Have you told him to clock all his free time and make sure you get absolute equal time? If he’s burned out after one evening with the baby how does he suppose you feel after 5 days and 5 nights with the baby??

Oh yeah that’s right, he doesn’t care how you feel…

I would be asking my mum if I could move in with her until I had passed my exams.
Your update shows how defeated you are, it doesn’t sound like a sustainable relationship for you all to be living your best lives…. You only get one shot at it and to be honest it sounds like you would be better apart.

In fairness to him, he doesn’t do 5 nights out. But the nights he gets to himself. He really gets to himself. I still have to do and help with the routine and cleaning/tidying up. I don’t get time for just me.
i never get an evening away without the responsibility; so I do find it really difficult when he says he needs more. And a night away isn’t the same and doesn’t compensate for his hobby. But then basically says I have to get a hobby to understand (I like doing DIY and home improvement generally, and baking!)

I'd take daughter with you and not bother coming back.

Wow. I can't actually believe what I'm reading here.

A father, saying he doesn't want to be left alone to parent his own child?

I honestly haven't seen anything like this before, that is absolutely horrible.

How do you even move past this? You've agreed to have a child with this man, grown his baby, given birth, gone through all of those physical and mental changes, your sweet baby you must adore and love and just be besotted with, and their father doesn't want to be alone with them?

I can't understand how you can look him in the eye and share a life with him knowing what kind of father he is to say that. Your poor girl.

Parenting doesn't come easy to everyone, it sure didn't for me, but you love your child and put the work into figuring it all out, because you chose to have that child and you owe it to them.

I'm really so sorry OP, this man I don't believe enjoys being a parent or a husband in a marriage with a child involved. He's deeply selfish and puts his own needs first. I think he'll stay, as long as he can get away with doing exactly what he fancies. Hobbies for hours per week, going away playing soldiers, having his indulgent therapy sessions. As soon as you put your foot down and expect him to be an equal parent, he will bolt. He is not cut out for family life, and in your shoes I'd be pretty quick at getting everything sorted out so I had the peace of mind of knowing that I'd be okay with my child if we split. He has one foot out the door already.