Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

That’s a really low bar, do you get to opt out for hours on end so your husband is satisfied your not having affairs? Crazy way to view things

What’s the hobby?

A hobby 2 xs per week isn’t an issue, leaving for work in the morning and not coming home u til 9.30pm 2 xs per week is an issue. Can’t imagine any mother doing this. Parents need to sacrifice for a while. I was happy to get an hour a way once per week for an exercise class and a walk a couple of times per week once dinner etc was done. Woman always left with the responsibility and the mental load and expected to work

Tell him he can't do Tuesday as you also need therapy

My thoughts exactly

what a useless man

P.s. I'm still fuming for you when I re-read your original post OP! 😠 😡 😤
It just sounds like he needs you in his life (to wipe his arse) and you don't need him at all.
He doesn't lighten your load, but instead just adds shit to your plate.
My friend stayed with her DD's dad for a long time, and she didn't want to be the one who 'broke up their little family' 😔
But the truth was their family was already broken.
She chose to listen to his empty words (talk is cheap) instead of his crappy actions.

When she kicked him out, she was upset that he didn't change/grow up/ fight for his family.
She chose to bury her head and 'hope' that one day he would change and be that family man he'd always promised her he would be.

It didn't happened. He stayed mediocre.
Leave the Bstrd (LTB).

Christ he sounds like a complete waste of space who is picking and choosing what parts of physical/mental health struggles give him the easiest life. And is therapy really worth it? It sounds like he’s just after any reason to not be at home which therapy won’t solve.

you need to find a hobby 2 nights a week - fuck it, just sit in a pub with a lemonade and book if need be - but get yourself out of the house the entire evening and let him work out how to manage bed/bath time. I agree 2 evenings each a week is fine but note each and on that night, you do have everything laid out and ready for you so don’t do the same for him.

honestly, I’d seriously reconsider my relationship given everything you’ve said and at least he might step up as a parent.

How desperate does he think the marines are? They’re supposed to be an elite, highly trained, super fit group of motivated and capable soldiers, This one can’t cope with both baby bedtime and cooking his own tea on the same night, and has selectively dodgy knees.

👆 this in a nutshell 👏

Are you the husband?!

Wow. I’ve now read all your posts OP. I’m so sorry but the only thing I think you can do is be super assertive and just put your foot down and tell him how you need things to be. I’m sorry, but I get the feeling you rarely do that. It’s time to start now - good luck.

@Caerulea I'm not, amma wummin.

What I'm finding difficulty with is that @IGB9723 can't cope with one child because her husband is out 2/3x per week

Enlighten me, please do, seriously.

Why is that hard?

I'd been gearing up to ask the question Mumsnet can hate - is he neurodivergent? Because what with the 'picky eating', the adrenaline thrill seeking, the mood swings and losing his temper, it sure sounds like it. Then you mention he's adamant he has ADHD. The rigid adherence to his routine and refusal to change it and fixed ideas, in his case the military, also suggests an autistic element. Is he doing anything to confirm his self diagnosis?

@2JFDIYOLO

Hes not priorising you. Wants all the good bits of being a parent and a husband and none of the responsibility and you want to stay with him? What has he done to warrant you staying together ?

leave the selfish bastard

Get rid of this self indulgent waste of space and you'll find life a whole lot easier.He obviously wants only the nice parts of being a parent, and wants you to pick up the slack, and do all the hard work , he doesn't get to pick and choose the bits he wants to do.

Why are you doing a bath everyday? There’s absolutely no need for it and not having one everyday can be your routine. You’re making life harder than it needs to be. He sounds like a waste of space though. Why is it always the men who think kids don’t have to impact their social lives at all.

So this really hit a nerve for me.
My ex had a hobby that took up loads of time and he would not drop it. Even when our daughter, born very sick, came home, he’d still rush out to it. Nothing I said made a difference.
I suggested therapy but felt he wasn’t being honest with the therapist. This was confirmed when I went to the appointment and gave my version of events. The therapist actually said we should just separate.
I had no time for what I wanted. He couldn’t do stuff apprently with our daughter.

In the end, for a variety of reasons, I left. Ironically, I have more time for myself now. He sees his daughter every two weekends and we get on well. Again, ironically, when I left he quit his hobby.

Realtionships can survive difficult things but they can’t withstand selfishness. He is acting like he’s a main character and you are simply there to support his needs. No. You aren’t. Put your own oxygen mask on first .

I would be considering leaving him so he can have all the free time in the world.

He sounds incredibly selfish and self absorbed.

Unfortunately it comes across as an incompatible couple both struggling. People have offered advice to make it easier, sounds like a lot of things yo have tried or aren't possible. You seem to be exhausting all options and it's still not working?

You want him to be/give something he can't and that seems to be the crooks of it. He should be able to but for whatever reason can't or won't. Having a young child is hard, you're in the trenches and you want the support of your partner, he can't or won't so really you're at a point of making a decision, carrying on and accepting or separating.

I think instead of counselling you'd be better off putting the money towards parenting help. That then might help make bedtimes easier and him be able to have her alone.

In all honesty, your relationship sounds like a mess and I think you'd all be happier and have more structure/downtime if you separated

There isn’t room in your life for this man and his enormous ego—he plans to spend every waking hour avoiding responsibility and you and your child. He can mask for a few hours here or there but he is screaming to escape family life. Just let him go. You deserve so much more than this thrill seeking toy soldier.

I think you'd be better off as a single mum tbh. Selfish man