Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

"my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her"

This is terrible and you should address it. That's not parenting, you should both be able to have some time away from your child! He sounds like a man baby who shouldn't have had children.

I don't think 2 nights a week for hobby is a problem. His hobby taking so long, him not being able to return the favour, his short temper and lack of doing his share is the problem. My hobby is 2 times a week and we have mothers there. It works because their husband looks after their kids and in return they looks after the kids when their husbands have their hobbies. If game schedule going on top of each other they take turns.

Wanting to do a hobby two nights a week. Fine.

Not bring able to meal prep, being a picky eater, not doing his fair share so you can also have two evenings off, having a violent temper, wanting more than two nights a week off- absolutely not fine.

He doesn't like fatherhood and the responsibility that comes with it. It uses up his time and he'd rather be doing something more fun.

While I agree that parenthood can be really tough and shit, he can't go back in time.

As his child gets older, he will not suddenly decide to put her first.

I imagine your stress is caused by the above situation.

If you can move back to your mums and she is happy to support you emotionally and practically (live with her) I'd jump ship asap.

He sounds utterly & hopeless selfish, not ADHD (so easy for ppl to call on that to justify their behaviour) just selfish.

This whole 'I need an adrenaline rush every week' sounds pathetic & whiny & is giving me 2nd hand ick. Can't run with the dogs cos he doesn't want to - that's responsibility which he's clearly trying to avoid. His knees are fine to do what he wants.

It must have gotten pretty bad for you to have moved out for 3 weeks/months (can't recall which), what happened?

Oh mate, your life would be so much easier if you just ended it.

He has anger issues and doesn’t want to be a family. Sorry.

Your anxiety will evaporate along with him.

He sounds so dreary, OP. What’s he bringing to the table? Nothing but needs and incapability that honestly sounds exaggerated. Life as a single parent is tough, but this sounds tougher tbh.

This is an easy one. Stop cooking for him.

He sounds incredibly selfish.

This.

I don’t get people not believing a therapist would tell him to get more adrenaline time- do you not think if a woman went she’d be told she needs to get a hobby/ me time/ time with friends? We don’t know how the dh phrased it- possibly the therapist thinks him cutting down and now missing one of his two nights due to therapy means he’s not getting enough of a break. Op you both need to talk this one out, could you cut your hours in work to give you a break? Do you have any time out your? Personally I don’t think two nights out of a week is that much but the ta thing is ridiculous!!!

Can you not just have a ready meal or something out of a freezer twice a week? Surely, she eats at the nursery so will just need a snack in the evening. Bath is 15 mins max, bedtime can be tricky and I understand why it takes so long as you say it does but I think you can take some shortcuts with dinner and bath. However, your husband should help out more, take over bath whilst you make dinner and then do bedtime on the days he is at home in the evening.

Think his therapist is chatting shit or my husband is exaggerating what has been said.

There is no way the therapist is doing that - your husband is an entitled wanker who, when not getting his own way, dresses it up as necessary for his mental health, pretends his therapist said it or gets angry and has a strop.

You need to discuss this dynamic with the couples counsellor (although it is generally not recommended to do more than one kind of therapy at the same time, so I am surprised to hear that all of your counsellors are ok with this). Maybe the fair play cards could help? But I suspect that whatever suggestions are put forward, he will remain adamant about what he 'needs' and feels family life is something he can dip in and out of at will.

I'm sorry he's having difficulties and needs therapy, but him finding all the hours available to please himself while you struggle isn't the answer. What has your couples therapist said about that? What has either said about the fact that he's disengaged from fatherhood, leaving you doing everything and feeling like you can't leave your child with him?

You are not unreasonable OP. He’s a knob. The only way this could ever work is if you both get two nights a week to yourselves (he’d actually have to give you your night - you’re in your bedroom doing your own thing, no cooking, bath etc…but that’s not exactly fun for you anyway being stuck in your room…but it is at least a break!) How dare he say you have to do some ‘legitimate’ hobby on your days!!! He has to cook when he says he’ll cook and he has to take on more cleaning. If he doesn’t, call him out on it. Make him explain himself. What does he say when you say your mental health is struggling? He seems to think you should support him with his but what about yours? To be honest he just sounds horrible and useless and you could do much better. You’d be much happier and less stressed on your own tbh and less resentful - yes you’d still be dealing with DD alone but at least you wouldn’t be seething that’s he’s not there when he could/should be. And he’d have to look after her when he had contact and you’d actually get a proper break!!!!

Oh sack him off he’ll always have a reason to run you into the ground so he doesn’t lose a temper he can conveniently control at work 🙄 while being a picky eating adrenaline junkie gaslighter with dodgy knees & untreated mental health conditions.

You got a dud, it happens it’s how you deal with it that matters. Pandering doesn’t work. Didn’t work with chamberlain and hitler, won’t work with your dh.

He sounds as if he has a convenient arsenal of issues that can only be helped by doing the things he loves, at the times he chooses. Miraculously, his anger and fitness won’t survive doing MT on Saturday mornings- only at bedtime in the week. His knees can’t cope with running while exercising the dogs and/or pushing his daughter in her buggy, but they can cope with MT and potentially the TA or even the Marines fitness regimes. His ADHD means he doesn’t have to do any advance meal prep or eat food that’s convenient for anyone to cook, but he likes it so he won’t see anyone about it; and his mental health issues mean he has to go out to ride down particular hills which are far enough away that it’s not a couple of hours but a whole day out.

Oh, and he has anger issues which mean the OP always has in the back of her mind a limit around what she can “get away with” and probably polices her own behaviour and responses, as well as subconsciously wanting to shield her daughter from provoking anger.

Did I miss anything?

@IGB9723 I’m so sorry. I’m struggling to see what this man’s good points are. Has he got any?

Sorry but he’s an arse.

Ive always had horses but sold my youngest one when I was pregnant and my old guy died a year later. So that was that. I didn’t have a horse or ride for 8 years and I need to be around horses. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane. But I couldn’t because I was now a mum.

My daughter is almost 9 and just as I’m finding the time and money to go back to it, my daughter has become obsessed so I’ve sacrificed my own riding to buy my daughter a pony. That is how you handle your hobbies when it doesn’t fit in with parenting.

Alongside this, he’s not actually able to parent his own child. Which makes sense since he’s never even there. And he just thinks you’ll pick up the slack.

I really feel for you but I do think you need to have it out with him and tell him if he doesn’t step up then he can go. What is he bringing to the family other than his wage?

You should just turn around and say your therapist says he need to help out more around the house…

But seriously, my OH has had MH challenges and it can come at a huge cost to you as a partner. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it. But you don’t have to say yes to everything for his sake, you don’t have to suffer in silence so he feels okay and you definitely get to have a say in how your both care for your child. He has needs but so do you and I feel like women are almost always the ones to become a martyr (no criticism - I’ve been there). He has asked (which he’s totally entitled to do), you can say not at the moment. If necessary, discuss this in your therapy together. Say you are surprised he can’t see the impact that would have on you and how he keeps taking and taking. Use that therapist as a mediator so he really listens. Or, say what needs to be in place by September for you to agree to more hobby time. Gives him plenty of time to step up in areas you specifically identify so you’re both getting something out of the new set up. If it’s not done by September, you wait until it is.

I don’t know the full story but your OH’s need for all this release and adrenaline is surely a symptom of a bigger issue. That’s what he needs to discuss with his therapist. He can’t just endless add more adrenaline filled activities to his week until you never see him!

But what do you do about him: not wanting to parent on his own so she doesn’t get any time, refusing to prep dinner for nights he is out, doing no cleaning, and despite not pulling his weight he is constantly telling her he needs more from her and to take more for himself?? This is not your husband.

But you do. So every meal he should prep and doesn’t is pasta , fish or there’s none left for him from now on. You need to stop trying to be understanding and supportive, I don’t see him trying to be understanding and supportive.

I'd be raising his ADHD and unwillingness to get treatment for it at marriage counselling. That is unacceptable IMO.

Also the fact that he struggles to look after DD and you feel you can't leave them alone together. This is what he needs to be working on. Not more hobby time for himself.

Please raise these things next week. Ask the counsellor for ways to work on these.

OP have you been advised to bath her every night due to her ezemca? My niece has it and her dermatologist has advised to bath every other day with the oil at the most.

You pair have too many responsibilities for your mental states to manage. Something has to give.
Pay for childcare. Husband drop a day at work - compressed hours/ whatever. Rehome the dogs. Teach your DD to sleep better - sleep crutches aren’t ideal but add something for your lifestyle to work better! Just spitballing here- what’s the point of trying so hard - you don’t get scored.

Sorry I've tried to read the majority of the messages and I just want to ask a few things, if that's okay?

1. Did you bring up any of 'him shirking his responsibilities" in couples therapy?
2. Did you also mention in couples therapy, that he cannot be left alone to look after his own daughter? 🚩
3. How many nights a week is he actually at home now? Between 1 therapy session, 2 hobby nights, 1 warhammer night and 1 bike ride (have I got all this correct?) Then he's barely bloody home?!
4. Did he give up all of his hobbies whilst you were away for 3 months? If so, is it because he had to wipe his own backside and do adulting all by himself?
5. why did he mysterious find the time to resume his hobbies when you returned? Is it because he had a lacky who could do his washing/cleaning/cooking/ dog walking etc, so therefore he had time to resume his hobbies again?

I would have checked out of this marriage. My BFF went through similar (except her partner was not armed forces) and he was the most selfish bugger, posing as a nice family man. He would flit in and out and barely lift a finger. Always had time for hobbies (smoking pot with his pals FFS).
He was a fussy prick with food and had her up the wall. In the end, she refused to do his laundry or cook his meals.
He always needed "me time" and would barely have time for his daughter.
He wanted a boy you see, and he wasn't hands on with their little girl, as they had nothing in common.
He was a "handbag dad" would show her off like an accessory when he felt generous and that was it.
One day when she was 5 or 6, he 'babysat his own daughter' (yes you heard me correctly) whilst my BFF went to work at 7am.
He didn't feed her anything until 1pm, and then finally gave her a ham butty, as HE didn't feel hungry, so didn't think his DD would be hungry either. Prick.

I warned my BFF, "Do not get pregnant, it will get worse." She actually listened and a few years later he got his adrenaline rush by having an affair. She snapped, lashed him out. He then weaseled his way back, and they tried to reconcile for their daughters sake. Turns out he was still with his mistress and my BFF was actually the side chick! WTF!
My BFF told me she always wished she lived by her mum, who had moved to Wales to be closer to her family (her sister) and I said to her, either do it, or stop moaning. You can't stay like this, complaining and going around in circles.
So between me and her, she saved up enough money for a deposit, went to Wales, handed her CV out got a job, and then a few weeks later I was packing her stuff up! Her mum let her stay with her until she and her DD found a small flat.

Thank God she didn't have another child to this useless waste of space!
She and her daughter are happy and her DD was never told any of this. Now she is 18 and sees her dad for what he is... a mediocre male donor.

Myself, personally, I would see about sorting the dogs out, then leave and go to your mums. At least that way, you have support and help with childcare and not be on egg shells for this adrenaline junkie prick.
Then he can have all the free me-me-me time he likes, he can clean and cook whenever he likes and can strengthen his knees by playing warhammer, while his mouth takes on the weight of his bullshit.
His willy isn't worth it.
You and your daughter deserves better.
Hugs to you