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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's evening hobby making things hard

635 replies

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:44

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Chick981 · 07/05/2025 17:48

I think two nights a week is absolutely fine for a hobby, as long as you are entitled to the same. I go out at least two nights a week for a hobby, on those nights we usually just cook for ourselves something quick and easy.

Emanresuunknown · 07/05/2025 17:58

OneRareCritic · 07/05/2025 13:03

I'm wondering if the decision to have a child was entirely mutual. A friend of mine is now having to face the fact that her husband would have preferred not to have any children but realised that his wife did want a family. They have one daughter. He has never been a hands on dad, but he has provided by working full time and at times has been the substantial financial contributor. My friend has learnt to accept the imbalance. I get the feeling that your husband is being more honest than most men about how he feels. My dad was in the RN, away for long periods. My parents marriage worked because they both accepted that being at home parent wasn't going to work for him and Mum realised how life would be from the start.

I was about to ask this, did he actively want a child.

It doesn't sound like it.

Its not normal for a loving father not to want to be left to care for their child alone for an evening.

Imagine if a child's mother said that? There would be concerns they had not bonded appropriately with their child.

Its also completely ridiculous that he only thinks exercise is a good enough reason for you to be out in the eve OP - why is he so fixated on physical activities, why does he place such high value on them? Whatever you choose to do to relax with your spare time is up to you.

Tbh it just doesnt sound like he ever wanted a child.

readingismycardio · 07/05/2025 17:59

what do you get to do for yourself 4/5 times a week? My first time saying LTB on mumsnet.

MissHarlott · 07/05/2025 18:00

Just read about your husband's bad knees which means he can't run. One of the requirements of the Marines is the ability to do a 30 mile speed march carrying 40 lbs of kit in 8 hours. (This is across Dartmoor.) So he can kick any hope of getting into the TA Marines

Phoenixfire1988 · 07/05/2025 18:04

It doesn't sound like he enjoys being a husband or father and prefers the bachelor lifestyle , the fact he can't manage to look after his own child alone says alot ..... you married a dud throw him back you're already doing everything what difference would it make anyway

sueelleker · 07/05/2025 18:08

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:15

Only at home. He’s always had them since we knew, regardless of how much adrenaline rushes he got or exercise. Think his therapist is chatting shit or my husband is exaggerating what has been said.

Show quote history

Or just making it up. What would he say if you said you wanted to talk to his therapist?

Pickled21 · 07/05/2025 18:10

This is a tough one. On the face of it there is no balance in your family. It's always skewed in his favour and I personally wouldn't put up with that. To me a partner is just that, they don't make your life harder but raise you up. In your situation he is a dead weight. If nothing changes, the resentment will increase and you'll either blow up at him or have a breakdown and end up ill.

Yes there are things you can both do like batch cook, buy ready meals to stock your freezer even if you just do it for yourself and your dd and he sorts himself out. That would make your life easier whilst he is out at his hobby. If he is the fussy one then he sorts his own dinner. If you are struggling with your dd maybe consider a parenting course because you both do sound massively overwhelmed with just the one child. I also wouldn't consider anymore children with him as he's unlikely to change. It doesn't sound like he actively wanted a child and when a pp suggested similar you've glossed over that. Not saying that's an excuse for his behaviour but it would go some way to explain it.

Honestly I'd be looking to ltb and no he doesn't have a right to do several hobbies when the impact on you is immense. You deserve better than this.

Taytayslayslay · 07/05/2025 18:11

pikkumyy77 · 07/05/2025 12:51

Oh just end it. He is massively self indulgent and “needs” ” his adrenaline? He could get it from childcare. But he won’t. He wants to be absent from your life. Eventually he will run out or spend so much time away you will be abandoned anyway.

Yup exactly how my kids dad was.

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 07/05/2025 18:11

You've had some very good advice here, OP, and of course it's up to you which parts of that you want to take on board. But the reality is that your marriage isn't working for either of you as it is. And resentment is enough to kill any marriage stone dead. He sounds like he's slowly edging out of your family life and frankly I'd accelerate the process for him.

Livpool · 07/05/2025 18:11

He sounds like a selfish arsehole. - I couldn’t be doing with him

Chick981 · 07/05/2025 18:14

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 15:31

Being a parent is my favourite thing in the world. I love it so much. But doing it alone all the time… when I have a husband that could help… that’s a difficult one to swallow.

It’s hard work and demanding. When I get 0 time, it’s hard for me to relax and be okay with my husband having time.

Show quote history

But you’re not doing it all the time, just two or three bedtimes a week max?

Zanatdy · 07/05/2025 18:16

He is being unreasonable as he has zero thought to your mental health, just wants to prioritise his own. Yes looking after 1 child shouldn’t be that hard, but OP is struggling, and instead of parking hobbies during early years he ramped them up. I mean I could have certainly benefitted from a hobby, or some help, but I didn’t get it and that’s the reality when you’re a parent. Maybe he needs to change his job for the adrenaline he seeks, not just using excuses to get out of parenting.

Obviouslymercy · 07/05/2025 18:16

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:44

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

Honestly, I would put to him that you're thinking of leaving and see what his reaction is. You're doing it all on your own anyway and if you were to leave you could contemplate being closer to your family who sound like they want to help, unlike him. He's self indulgent. Ask him what you get in return for him being out all the time? You have absolutely lost your life and he hasn't changed at all. Put yourself first and leave

S0j0urn4r · 07/05/2025 18:20

Why doesn't he just fuck off and move out for all the use he is?
When do you get your adrenalin rush?

whoamI00 · 07/05/2025 18:21

You are absolutely not being unfair. Sadly selfish men who lack empathy will never change.

Fluffyblackcat7 · 07/05/2025 18:24

'MissDoubleU · Today 16:14

“My therapist said I’m not getting a big enough rush of adrenaline.”
Ah yes. The therapist also said he should have a threesome and never has to do the dishes.'

This made me laugh out loud!

I am sorry OP that you are having such a hard time of it with your DH, DD and your own mental health.

I wish his therapist could help him to see how useful an ADHD diagnosis and maybe medication could be.

I think that you need to take the things that you are telling us to your couple's counselling.

Meantime, I like the idea that you respond to his failure to prep the family evening meal with a simple ready meal. Keep some in the freezer for just this situation. If he can't prep then he can't expect you to cook from scratch. His choice.

Good luck

Readytohealnow · 07/05/2025 18:25

I see very few redeeming features in this man.

Get rid of him and have your daughter with you every day of the week! Why should she need to be palmed off to granny hours away?

Youvebeenframed · 07/05/2025 18:26

You can take the bloke out of the forces but you can’t take the forces out of the bloke.
They will always put their tribe first not their family.
This is not going to get any better OP.

ThePiglet · 07/05/2025 18:30

If he doesn't enjoy parenting, the solution is for him to engage with it properly so that he develops his competance and can move to enjoying it. I'd be encouraging him to take two days off work to spend with your DC and making him take a day a weekend and a night a week by himself.

If he's depressed - and it sounds like he might be, he might well want the adrenalin as a mood regulator. But there are some other ways for him to get this, e.g. diet, anti-depressants, more sustainable exercise.

I'm a firm believer in parenting being a skill that can be fostered, but that requires him to want ro do it. One night a week for a hobby is fine, and some time out of the house for you as a couple would be ideal. But if he isn't willing to try to develop his fathering skills, then frankly I'd give him a shove.

MrsB74 · 07/05/2025 18:31

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 14:04

If only he wasn’t a picky eater…
doesn’t eat pasta, bread, dough, fish….
so all the ways freezable meals off the table.

Show quote history

At this point I am out. Why are you with this guy? He’s a useless parent, rarely cooks/cleans, buggers off at least three nights a week AND he’s a fussy eater! No wonder you are stressed out - he’s a big baby! Serious talk required. You would be better off without him if he won’t take your concerns seriously. Bed times do get easier, but you probably need to work on her behaviour a bit too - she will absolutely be picking up on your stress.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/05/2025 18:33

The hobbies are in many ways unimportant Op, it's all the reasons they're a problem that's important. Your DH does sound like he could have ADHD but that's a reason, not an excuse, he's so hell bent on the adrenaline rush that he's trying to take more and more time away from the family to chase that rush. He missed you and wanted you back after 3 months but it hasn't changed him, he's still happy for you to be trapped at home with no down time. You say he's so loving with your DD but that's the easy part, actually giving your DC his time and attention is what's missing.
Quite honestly this won't get better unless he gets a diagnosis and takes medication which might help, if he won't get proper help the therapy won't make much difference. As time goes on he'll leave more and more to you Op and you'll end up leaving him anyway

Elsvieta · 07/05/2025 18:36

If he struggles with being alone with your dd, that's all the more reason to do it - regularly. He has to get used to acting like a parent. Maybe get a hobby of your own (or just go and see a friend or whatever), two nights a week? Two nights out for him, two for you.

Scout2016 · 07/05/2025 18:37

So 2 nights of a sport hobby, 1 night of warhammer, plus nights working away too...What do you do at the weekends, do you spend time as a family then? Or is that when he's on his bike?

How were you during your separation? You've said he fell apart but how did you find it?

Phoenixfire1988 · 07/05/2025 18:38

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:48

also - he has also asked if I’d be annoyed if he were to join the marines part time… he used to be in army and ta and this took up so many weekends.
We have no family near (parents an hour away) and two dogs so I am stuck home unable to do much whilst he is gone!

If he can't run how is he going to join the marines part time ? He's wouldn't pass the fitness/ medical tests surely , my brother was nearly discharged on medical grounds during basic training when he damaged a tendon on exercise across dartmoor

ChopstickNovice · 07/05/2025 18:48

Oh God, OP. I feel exhausted reading all your posts. He needs to step up or ship out (then he can see how much hobby time he has when your daughter is 50/50 between you!)

When you have a small child, your lives naturally take a back seat for a bit and you both compromise. It seems like you have done all the compromising whilst he has done none.

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