Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

That must be regional. Both my DD and Son in law went right to choose through NHS less than 1-2 years ago and got meds immediately. Both have now been accepted by local GP as shared care. We paid privately for ASD diagnosis for my granddaughters as the NHS list was long but neither are medicated. We are in the South West.

No it's not regional it's been like it since summer last year!

I absolutely wouldn't be cooking for him if he's that fussy, then. He can do his thing, you do yours. It's just another headfuck for you to deal with on top of all the rest. Batch cook for you and your daughter and he can feed himself :)

What makes him think he is so special?Hand him some loo roll and send him off for a wank...
Proper adrenaline rush there innit??
He has serious ideas above his station imo.

This! ⬆️

Bollocks indeed. Are you certain, of your own knowledge, that he is actually attending therapy? Or just he just say, 'Off to therapy', leave the house and in due course return? With the eerily convenient remarks the therapist is supposed to have made?

I don't think two evenings a week for a hobby is the issue, DH works late one evening and goes to a gym class another, no problem with me, I go to a gym class one night too and sometimes have to work further from home so don't get back until late a couple of times a month. All of this is fine because we both parent ds, we both do household chores (DH does more of the day to day cleaning than I do but I do most of the cooking and food shopping) we both also condense hours so we can split pick ups and drop offs and facilitating after school activities.
The problem here is you have a man who doesn't want to be an active parent and father.

Also I can believe a therapist either said this to him or colluded with him, it's a highly unregulated industry. I work in criminal justice and have seen reports from therapists on domestic abuse perpetrators and sex offenders that are frankly dangerous.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

You have to leave them together. Tell him he can get his adrenaline rush that way. But honestly, it’s the only way he will learn to get comfortable with looking after her.

The point is not whether he gets ADHD medication soon or not. The point is that he hasn't even asked for it. By insisting he has ADHD yet doing nothing about it his potential ADHD is just another excuse to carry on behaving badly.

And it's not the evening hobby making things hard. It's the evening hobby on top of everything else that he does to make things hard. The evening hobby is just the last straw.

God, some men are just such self indulgent twats. Can you imagine a therapist telling a woman , who is a mother this bullshit.
Tell him to grow up or it’s over.

😂

Male therapist, probably

Ok @IGB9723 im a mum of four with only 5 years between the youngest and eldest.
Looks like your DP doesn’t want to pull his weight and wants to prioritise himself!
So, he has as two nights away…… so do you( but you don’t prepare food, shop for him etc…. Your child will be fine!) make your life easy for your nights not for his! Let him see what it truly involves.
from what you’ve said my feeling is i
that he wants to be a Disney parent.
If that’s the case there’s nothing’s you can do.
Lwt him go, ii will be less stressful alone

Just divorce him OP! @IGB9723 and that will also mean you will get weekends for yourself when he has his daughter.

If he can do TA/Marines/Mountain biking his knees are fine. If they are not fine he should not be doing any of these. He’s taking you for a ride (forgive the pun). I would cut your losses and move on - he doesn’t want to be part of your family unit, is desperately immature and selfish - I think you are wasting your time & life sticking around. Sorry 😔.

If he's got bad knees and can't run, how can he possibly join the marines? How's he going to pass the fitness test?

If you want to stay together, you need to lay out what's acceptable, and you need to just drop stuff that make it too much for you. Ready meal or takeaway 2 days a week (and he'll just have to cope). Put a big towel down under the bath so you don't have to mop (just chuck it in the machine after)

Lower your cleaning standards, do the toddler outfit choice tactic thing with him - are you doing bedtime, or walking the dogs?

And take the 2 bloody evenings off like he does. I know you feel guilty. It doesn't have to be forever though, it's just to give you the break, and make sure he realises that he has responsibilities too. Either you do this, or the relationship's over anyway.

Chucking him out might get his adrenaline going.

What a self indulgent tosser.

Stop all food and laundry for him immediately.
Rethink the pets which are huge additional work, if you can.
I appreciate that will be controversial!
You need to cut out any extra work load that you can.

Exactly what I came here to say.

If he can't run, he can't join the Marines. I was guessing that his hobby involved martial arts, but he can't very well be doing something as active as that if his knees have gone.

"Sorry Sarge - can't get over that wall: my knees won't take it!"

Source: bad knees and a late husband who had to give up his hobbies after his health deteriorated.

If I were the OP, I'd be turning up at his hobby one night...

He's bullshitting you. You know that, don't you?

I'm guessing that he's still doing Muay Thai. I don't see him managing that with knees that are too dodgy to run.

My late husband got his black belt in Shotokan Karate in his 60s and had to make some allowances (in end) for health problems before he quit completely. If his knees had been completely shot, he couldn't have managed. The same with any martial art, unless you're doing some kind of paralympic type adapted type.

I wonder what would happen if you were to organise a babysitter and join the same dojo/gym...

I don't care if your DH has ADHD and needs a stress outlet. So do I. When I was in the position of working full time and caring for two adults I had to give up my hobbies. Your DH has parental responsibilities He's lucky - he's not doing it on his own. The least that he can do is to be a bit more accommodating.

Sorry OP but your husband is a selfish arsehole. I was in a marriage with one of those, for years. I wish I had ended it much much sooner. Good luck and don’t waste your life.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

All the hobby stuff is just a red herring. The real problem is this ^. You will never have a fair and equitable division of labour/free time/hobby time etc. while only one of you can parent. He either chooses to be a parent or he doesn't. If he doesn't then I can't see why you would bother to stay. If you split up you'd get your free time while your daughter is with her father, which is more than you would get now.

it's never going to get better, cut your losses while you still have it in you

My therapist said I’m not getting a big enough rush of adrenaline.”

Ah yes. The therapist also said he should have a threesome and never has to do the dishes.

Love this @MissDoubleU

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her.

Boo hoo. Is he seeing his therapist about this? Because if he isn’t, he needs to.

What if (God forbid) something awful happened to you, and you died. How would he cope? What would he do?

Sounds like he’s regretting becoming a parent. He wants the lifestyle of a childless single adult. Unfortunately for him he needs a huge reality check and needs to grow the fuck up. Fast.

I can’t believe you’re even asking if you’re being unfair.

Once a week for a father OR mother is enough to have some time alone or time for a hobby.

Show him this thread!!!