Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

Well this relationship needs to be over then. He isn't taking any responsibility for himself. you will completely burn yourself out supporting him and picking up his slack

No wonder the birthrate is collapsing.

I think you should just get used to being the main parent. Some relationships are just like that. The mum does it all, the dad does what he wants and the mum complains every so often about it but ultimately, nothing changes. Unless you're willing to make big changes, it's always going to be the case. It probably will only get worse as time goes on and your child needs more things. Like lifts to school activities or birthday parties etc. Sorry to be Debbie downer but I have watched this happen with other couples.

Is he really this thick or is just saying this stuff to wind you up? He can't run? There's not even the remotest chance he'll get into the Royal Marines.

My dh has multiple hobbies and is self employed before kids he always said he could never give up xyz activities but now 3 kids later he happily works around the family schedule. He would easily go to one of his hobbies 7 days a week without a care except we have a relationship were I feel like he acknowledges what I need and he prioritises me so if I say I need time help etc he drops his hobbies and there's nothing else said. You need to seriously look at your relationship and how you both engage with each other. It's not meant to be score keeping its about give and take but it sounds like there's al take and no give

To be honest you both sound shit parents.

No. She doesn’t. Perhaps you’re just having a bad day and you don’t normally speak to people this way. I certainly hope that’s the case because if not, it’s really not saying anything good whatsoever about your personality and intentions.

Massive red flag in your posts OP: If he doesn't get his way he gets angry.
You will forever be held under this threat, and the stress of walking on eggshells, the tense household, the angry outbursts and your own sadness and exhaustion have probably contributed to your daughter being 'difficult'.
You need to take some drastic action and think long term about what you want from the next 10-20 years and beyond, for both you and your daughter. Sometimes short term upheaval makes way for hope.

IF this was for me @MounjaroMounjaro?

My point, is only, that he wants to be out 3x per week but @IGB9723 cannot cope.

@IGB9723 is full of resentment, her husband wants to do his hobby.

Is it any wonder that their child "is difficult"

Just how "difficult" can a 3 or 4 year old be?

They are both adults with all the psychology at their fingertips to outmanoeuvre a recalcitrant tiny, come on.

WHO on earth said having children is easy?

@IGB9723

Your child needs both you and your husband, you both need to raise your game, it is hard, I get it, but you BOTH need to (at least) pretend you are adults.

You don’t need to justify yourself to somebody who’s just trying to be cruel. You don’t remotely sound like a shit parent, you sound like a mum who loves her daughter, and who is stressed I’m trying to do everything.

Your (elderly?) Mum cannot cope having your daughter overnight on Tuesdays anymore (on her own?) but you're making your Mum wait til September before you let your Mum off the hook? Is that right? FYI my DH worked in London and used to get home every evening about 7.30pm so both our DC were fed, bathed and in bed when they were little (I did this alone). He slso worked away Mon- Fri when my DD (1st child) was one for about 9 months. So he'd leave Monday 6am and get home Friday evening. I was SAHP and no family nearby who could help. No escaping to work for me, no adult company. 🤷‍♀️It was tough but I managed. Your DH sounds pathetic. When kids are tiny/babies normal hobbies take a back seat. That's just life. Or you take it in turns to have a night out etc. What makes your DH so special?

He just keeps getting better and better. Urgh.

He sounds like a real drain on your own resources. People who can't see their way to their responsibilities are very tiring.

Sorry, I don't have any advice to offer, just, I feel for you.

Is the couples therapy working? You could probably limp on without it and have an evening to yourselves. He could paint his little models or whatever it is he does.

I’ve just booked to go on an overnight course with work. First time ever despite there being many other opportunities. My children are 16 and 18. My point being you can’t do everything you want when you have children.
I do think it’s very important that he has time for a hobby but it needs to be balanced with your needs and the children’s as well. So for example the Marines (or whatever) is a no unless he gives up his hobby. He can’t do both.
If he does his hobby twice a week and counselling one night can he be in charge of 2 evenings at home? So make dinner and clear up or do bath time and bed or whatever needs doing. If you do counselling on a Thursday I imagine you are exhausted so that would be a good night for you to just go to your room and relax/ watch tv etc.
So I am very pro him having some time but you need it as well. There needs to be some give and take. Otherwise there is no point to you being together.

I think 2 nights a week for a hobby is reasonable, provided you also get two nights off, for a hobby or to rest. He needs to learn how to look after his own kids, regardless of how difficult he finds it. It will get easier the more he does it. He doesn't just get to check out of parenting. You need to step back and let him do things his own way. As for the marines, no, not until kids are older.

It's good to have hobbies and you should get some time yourself too. He seems like a crap dad though, you worry about leaving him alone with your daughter?!! That's insane

“My therapist said I’m not getting a big enough rush of adrenaline.”

Ah yes. The therapist also said he should have a threesome and never has to do the dishes.

Why are these men always weaponising their mental health to get away with doing nothing? This is his child too. Any time away he demands you need to get in equal amounts. So if he gets 4 nights to himself to spend as he wishes, you also get 4 nights to yourself. Let him work out the maths.

He'll find a woman playing Warhammer?
Most unlikely thing I've read all day 🤣

small circle then @ElectricMagpie 😉

Sounds like there are quite a few issues to unpick.
Obviously good your DH is going to counselling, although it may or may not really be beneficial to the situation over all!
As your DH is ex military there could be some degree of trauma that is affecting him - it needs to be dealt with by specialists.
His temper issues need addressing and resolving.
His adrenaline issues - this sounds like it needs looking into medically and having proper support to manage it. Doing activities that give you an adrenaline high are not great but doing things to soothe it are obviously beneficial. Temper maybe linked to this.
Whilst his hobby works for him it's not working for you as a family....so they have to be revisited. As do time for your hobbies.
If he's picky about food, then he sorts his own food out. You sort yours and your DDs. Batch cook etc
If he's not doing chores regularly, leave things like his washing for him to sort.....if he leaves things lying around, just put in a box for him to sort etc.
Are there any changes you can make ie work hours, money to get help around the home ie cooking meals, some household bits etc.
Also is there any support you can get for you to help your DD - I've found the book there's no such thing as naughty by Kate Silverstone really helpful to understand children and what's happening with them. It also gives strategies to move you forwards.....
I think you need to work out what you want and work towards that - as the current situation isn't working for you. Am interested with what you say happened during your trial separation, particularly his non attendance of his hobby.....

How old is your daughter?

OP, I just cannot get my head around the problem here. He wants 2 night out to do a hobby. Fine. You deal with dinner and bedtime on those nights - plan leftovers/easy tea and skip the bath at least one of those nights - eczema is made worse by bathing, even in emollient. You take 2 other nights off to do whatever you enjoy (and I’d suggest going out of the house at least initially so that the next step actually happens). He sorts your DD on those nights. You then have 3 nights together to share the load.
For this to work, you have to accept that his standards will differ, the house may be messier and your DD might just get a sandwich. If he complains, you smile sympathetically and remind him that it’s his night. Plan a review at the end of 1 month abd if either one of you wants to decrease the solo parenting nights, then it’s the same for both.
I go to a gym class 2-3 nights per week. It’s the minimum I need to maintain a decent level of fitness and the classes cut across part of bedtime. We have 3 kids. My husband ends up doing solo bedtime once and most of bedtime the other 2 nights. I jump in at the end and finish 1 child off. It’s not a big deal. He chooses not to go out the other nights but I ensure I’m reciprocating with a couple of solo bedtimes on other eves so he can chill/do something else. We agree on house stuff that needs doing and some stuff doesn’t get done. That’s family life. It sounds like he needs to step up and you need to chill.

I think he’s using any excuse he can to get out of his share of parenting. You’ve got no way of knowing what his therapist actually said. If you agreed to all the stuff he wants to do now, in a couple of months he’d be wanting something else.

YANBU
He is taking the piss. Make sure you have at least one night where you are out doing hobb/meeting friends so he does dinner bath and bed all alone and he get back once daughter is asleep. He may then have some perspective and you get a night off
If he can't do that leave him. you are doing it all anyway

Actually unless he's on meds already then he won't get any for at least 5 years, and that's if you can afford to go private! NHS is a much longer wait, and in some areas they're prioritising children so the wait is much longer for adults.
I know this because I'm waiting for ADHD meds for both myself and my son!

If you have a day off a week, even though you’re with your child, he probably sees it as you having more time to yourself (not saying you are!)
I think you need to agree to some shortcuts that will help e.g. on the nights you have your child you batch cook a meal, he batch cooks another and you have an easy meal (jacket potato) or something the other night.

I don’t think other posters are meaning to be rude about you not managing with one but the more you have the more you get on with it. If she had a baby sibling she’d have to wait, scream for her own way etc. it’s good for her to realise she has to wait.

When my husband went out at night I used to make it easier on myself by
getting tea ready in the morning so ready when I got home
get a few quick jobs done as they played
got everything ready for next day
did bath and bed then enjoyed the peace!

Id suggest make her sleep a priority because it makes a big difference getting a good sleep!