Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

I doubt his therapist told him he needs an adrenaline fix. With both of you in therapy something isn’t working. How old is your daughter? I would tell him that with his therapy, warhammer, work and hobby he gets plenty of non family time and you are sick of you and your DD coming last already so he has to knock the Marines idea on the head unless he wants to sacrifice his hobby. Sounds like he is unprepared for parenthood. You also need to leave your DD with him or they will never forge a bond and he will be unable to cope with her should you split.

Stop making his dinners and eat simple things midweek you and your DC like and he can sort himself out. Stuff accommodating his ridiculous fussy eating. Frozen pizza or pasta is fine when your tired etc.

do you need to mop every night? Have you got a dishwasher? One less thing to do at night.

do you mean you bath your DC downstairs? Sorry was confused…my friend has twins and only a shower so bought one of those big plastic round storage tubs and filled up from the shower and bathed them in there.

Think of a long list of stuff that could improve your life and hand it to him, signed by your therapist. Bloody hell!

3 lots of therapy going on and you've recently moved out for 3 months.

What did you agree upon re hobbies and childcare when you moved back in?

Your husband needs to be a parent to his child and he won't achieve that if he is never alone with her. All children are hard work at this age...

A very good point - Royal Marines demand an astonishing level of physical fitness (my brother is ex RM).

If there's not enough time in the week for you to have that amount of time off, there's not enough time for him to have that amount of time off is there?
In a nutshell, he wants to monopolise any free time available and leave you with the donkey work.
Speaking from experience, i honestly think you'd find life easier as a single parent OP. It is relentlessly hard knowing you have another adult in the household who could pitch in and make family life run smoother, but choses not to. In many respects life is less stressful not dealing with someone else's angst, and the sadness of feeling let down and put upon.

I don't think you're unreasonable, although perhaps you should have seen it coming - these "hobby types" are commonly selfish and uncompromising. My father was one such and when I was little I swore I would never get married as he was always at his sports club when not working, while my mum worked, looked after children and did all the cooking and cleaning. Oh and she walked the dogs until us kids were old enough to do it. Sounds a bit like you. (I did get married but his only real hobby is gardening!)

Posters saying how hard can it be to put one child to bed are missing the point. It's the fact that it's all on you, all the time, the endless routine.

Meanwhile laughing boy enjoys his hobbies and time for himself and tells you he needs more for his mental health and because fatherhood isn't fulfilling enough. Yes OK some time to oneself and exercise is good for you but he wants to take and take and expects you to give and give. What about YOUR mental health and fulfilment? (Let me guess, he assumed the baby was going to be your hobby? My husband tried that one ...)

The issue isn't really (or isn't just) the hobbies, it's the growing resentment about the imbalance and being life partners with someone who always puts themselves first and never you.

What to do? I don't know ... it's unlikely he will change. You left him once and went back to his old ways. You can do that again but permanently. Or you can put up with it and keep trying to carve out time for yourself (even if you'd really prefer a united front of more joint parenting time); it will become easier to do that as she gets older. Or third option accept your lot and go full on trad wife and pander to him.

Good luck anyway.

Neither of you sound like you’re really enjoying parenthood

I wonder why you said that. She’s stressed and under pressure with a young child and a job plus a husband who is pushing to be more regularly absent. I’m sure she loves her child and being a parent as well. It was quite cruel and unnecessary and I wonder if you say things like that often?

Some really awful comments here from the handmaidens that like to infiltrate this site.

OP, when you and your daughter lived with your mum, did you find your anxiety was reduced? How often did he see your daughter then and did he do any meaningful care? Was your mum OK with you both living there?

I'm not suggesting you go back to live with her but it sounds to me as though you would find it much easier if he wasn't living with you. I think your daughter is suffering from anxiety, too, and that's why she's struggling at the moment.

This is one of the most ridiculous situations I've read on MN. He sounds awful, OP

"who is pushing to be more regularly absent"

3 nights a week?!!

They have ONE child!

Being a parent is my favourite thing in the world. I love it so much. But doing it alone all the time… when I have a husband that could help… that’s a difficult one to swallow.

It’s hard work and demanding. When I get 0 time, it’s hard for me to relax and be okay with my husband having time.

He can't have everything so he needs to decide for himself what gives - therapy, TA or Hobby.

Or marriage. He sounds like such a deadweight that if you divorced him you'd probably stop needing the anxiety therapy.

Maybe let him join the Marines fulltime. Or Foreign Legion or whatever. He supports you and DD to live well without him. I don't know if he gets to play Warhammer every week in the Foreign Legion though.

His attitude massively impacts on my anxiety

See above.

But he now says for his mental health and anger issues he needs he’s hobby at least two nights a week plus further adrenaline rush

Anger issues?!?? Only at home?!?? No wonder you're anxious. Divorce. You'll feel better. What do you think this is doing to your child who adores her daddy who has anger issues if he doesn't have everything exactly to suit him?

They have one child and her husband doesn't like spending time with her. He wants to be out of the house and when he's there he's useless. Is the OP supposed to be grateful for this?

Your own life might be harder than hers, who knows? It doesn't mean everyone wants to live with someone who doesn't pull his weight.

To be honest by point you are needing 3 lots of therapy and no one happy - you, him or baby (baby will be picking up on both of your unhappiness and general atmosphere) it’s all over anyway.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to be an actual parent just a Disney dad there for a few moments. Just read back what you’ve written he doesn’t like being alone with his own dc that’s not a parent.
Have you looked into logistics of splitting. No need to rush but I’d start getting ducks in a row.
Your mum minding baby is kind offer but 1hr drive each way is a lot after work and maybe maybe more unsettled due to it.

He sounds like he is ADHD. Is that something you have considered? The fact he needs this adrenaline rush, the hyperfixation on hobbies and him being a picky eater and obviously struggling with his mental health. He doesn’t seem massively concerned about the effect his hobbies, therapy, adrenaline fixes have on you. You say he can’t run with the dogs because of his knees but he cycles and wants to join Marines? That doesn’t add up. If he is on the spectrum that might mean your DD is too which is why she is tricky. Bit of a leap but maybe worth considering.

He is adamant he’s got ADHD.
it’s frustrating though because he won’t do anything about it. He also picks and chooses what he can do regarding his knees.

I work in Army recruitment. If he has knee problems he’s got no chance of getting back in the Army Reserve.

doing it alone all the time… when I have a husband that could help… that’s a difficult one to swallow.

Could but wont. And uses his mental health and the looming threat of his anger as reasons to not help. I agree it's hard to swallow but this isn't going to get better for you. You're already at the end of your resources and some marriages just can't be made to work.

Four nights out on a solo hobby? When did you actually spend time together before you had DC?

I'm puzzled that his knees are bad enough to prevent him from running but good enough to do Thai boxing AND become a marine reservist!

Well I'm stressed out trying to understand who does what when !

You are not being unreasonable in your ask at all. Unfortunately you/the family is not his priority. You're an option, at best. Not one that he's picking often.
Stop making him your priority.

I speak as someone married to a fussy eater. The fussy eating is not your problem, it's his. Him being annoyed that you hadn't finished cleaning up before starting your hobby, his problem.

Stop making his problems your problems. Eat what you want, and what's easy for you. He can sort himself out. Yes, that means he might not cook for you a day or two a week - eat leftovers you made, or a sandwich, or soup or whatever you fancy that he doesn't want to eat.

He's getting plenty of time for his hobbies while you do everything else at home, so you do your hobby and he can mop the floors or whatever else it is he's bothered about.

Focus on yourself and your daughter, you don't have to make your life more difficult to suit his wants - he's certainly not making the same adaptions for you.

As an aside - not having to do the return journey to your Mums on a Wednesday, or pack an overnight bag etc for your daughter (assuming it's probably you that does that too) may take some stress off you. Even if that is at the expense of your current night off.

There is medication you can take although it takes time to sort it out. Both my son in law and DD1 were diagnosed with ADHD as adults only after recognising similar traits in my granddaughters who were diagnosed ASD as toddlers/preschoolers. He can get diagnosed through right to choose.

I get this is frustrating for you and I agree that he does not get to opt out of family responsibilities. You don’t say how old your DD is and she may well get easier with age but in the meantime you are both in the trenches and need to support each other and that means him helping out too. If you have dogs and children he doesn’t get to pick and choose what he does. Hobbies would need to take a back seat for now. One night a week and a bike ride at the weekend would be my suggestion and he puts your DD to bed at least one night a week. Meal prep sounds easier so you should get a night off from Bath and bedtime and you do that instead.

There are plenty of people who have ADHD and still pull their weight with their families.