Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

Having read a bit more, I think you have an entitled man-baby on your hands here. All this 'loses his temper', 'needs an adrenaline rush' as per the advice of a therapist, presumably as a regular outlet so he loses his temper less...
I'm not buying it, honestly. He just sounds utterly selfish, entitled and blind to your needs. Your daughter is suffering because of his attitude too. When people point to your husband's selfishness you tend to say...'but...' You're being way too accepting of this situation.
I'm wondering why he didn't remain single / childless if parenthood / domesticity is not for him.
He needs to grow up quickly or ship out, I'd say. You're practically a single parent right now anyway. Don't waste years on a selfish man who doesn't appreciate what he has!

Pets are great but they are also a lot of work. I wonder if you have taken on too much by having two dogs on top of a very difficult child? Dogs and children do pick up on the emotions of the owners/adults of the house and would become unsettled if they sense tension. Can you try to place the dogs with a foster and see if things improve?

OK, I'm a huge supporter of my OH having a hobby, and people often comment I "allow" it too much. But we have a great relationship, and it works for us. I don't work, my kids have all started school/ nursery now, so I have all day to prep dinner, clean the house, and have some me time. Evenings can be stressful when he's out, but it's a trade off that works. There is no way on earth I support what your husband is doing here! You say you work, I'm assuming full time? If so where is your time?? You both need time to do things for yourself, and if it carries on its obvious this relationship won't last long. I think you need a serious conversation about making sure both your needs are met in a way that isn't detrimental to your child. It may be that he pays for care so you can have some time too. He's therapist sounds very dangerous, and not helpful for either of you.

OP have you suggested he chooses a career path that gives him adrenaline so he doesn't need to be doing his hobby all the time? Muay Thai instructor?

A shit tonne of housework and gardening is great exercise manchild. Get those steps in and time the “workout” or you’ll be doing a walk out…

Do you want to stay married to this man, OP?

Youre not bring unreasonable at all. You’re making all the compromises while he has everything his own way. I don’t believe for a second what he claims his therapist says, either. He’s making excuses to opt out of family life. He doesn’t seem to care about your mental health while using his own as a get out clause.

You’re already doing it all yourself and are beginning to resent him. I’d say it’s time to seriously consider your marriage.

Ok, you're both struggling but clearly, according to your husband, his needs trump yours. Why is that?
Also, you say your daughter is wonderful but can be a handful. I don't know how old she is. Has it occurred to you that some of her less than desirable behaviour could be due to feeling sidelined by her father? Kids are smart and know when they're basically not wanted.

Agree @Feelingmuchbetter

It's your 3 or 4 year old that deserves sympathy.

You and your husband are adults and must resolve your struggles with each other.

Your poor child, neither of her parents can cope with raising her, you both decided to have her, fgs.

Why wouldn't you tidy the bathroom before starting to paint doors? Surely that's just common sense?

Needs his rush of adrenaline… WTF

Why is it?

Agree.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

He needs to learn to look after his DD and you need to let him learn however difficult you find it. You’ve made a rod for your own back there.

Because who leaves water on the floor after bathing a child? Especially when their OH is putting the child to bed, and said child can take over an hour to fall asleep.
Surely common sense says you don't leave water on the bathroom floor

Has he ever, just once, considered your needs? Has he ever conceded that he selfish and self serving??

I also think it’s important to acknowledge what you said about his anger coming out only at home!!

Because if the answer is no to the top 2 questions, I think you need to consider how this will be for you, in 5 or 10 years when he is still being a self centred idiot.

I also think he needs to change his therapist - however he could be lying in the sessions or he could be exaggerating to you what has been said. These discussions about your needs need to be front and centre in your marriage counselling - so you can work out how you can move forward.

You both seem unhappy with life. That’s a lot of therapy/counselling. He obviously doesn’t like family life. He wants a bachelor existence. I’d get out of the relationship & leave him to it. Your whole life will be an uphill struggle with this man.

"my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them."

that's a bit convenient for him isnt it?
He should absolutley be discussing this with his therapist.

Pick a night of the week that is yours, go out and leave them to it. He needs to learn how to be with his daughter and put her to bed. He might do things a bit differently to you and you need to step back and let him.

What about what you need OP? I get it, he 'needs' a hobby. Do you 'need' sleep, a partner who puts his child's needs before his own, some reciprocity? A night or two off yourself each week? Ask him why his needs come before yours and DDs. Honestly, it sounds as if you'd be better off alone.

This all just sounds so miserable op. You're in therapy, he's in therapy, you're in therapy together. No-one appears to enjoy spending time with your poor child who is described as hard work.
What do you want from life op? Do you want to keep on accomodating your manchild husband or do you want to enjoy life and spending time with your child?
I don't know what either you or your daughter are getting from your DH.

Have nothing but sympathy for you, would have gone stark raving bonkers if my husband had been out at bedtime multiple days a week even with one child. I would find it easier to cope actually being a single parent than with someone who made me feel as if I might as well be one. Could you decamp back to your mum's for a while, at least you would have some adult company in the evening?

OP, are you willing to say why he left the army?

My first sentence literally says "either of you" meaning they both overcook to provide an extra meal for an evening when there is less time for both of them. Not quite sure how you reached your conclusion.

You are not unreasonable but unless he has a basic change in his priorities it is not going to get better. It will change as your child gets older but the underlying incompatibility will still be there.
Is the relationship worth fighting for? If so can you use one of your therapy sessions to work out a more equitable split?
I do not agree that because it is good to exercise several times a week then he gets to have three, or even two, evenings where he is out. He could go out for an hour to the gym, he could have gym equipment at home. It is the length of time involved that is the issue here. And his feeling that he will come home when he is done. His work and yours are the obvious priorities, then your daughter, then keeping yourselves well enough to parent. He is very liberally translating looking after his mental health into having one or two particular activities and time around them at the time that suits him. He has created a huge trump card and will play it whenever necessary.
If you think it is worth persevering you need to identify ways to reduce the load on you, cleaner, fairer share of all house and child related tasks as well as a fairer split of nights you each have to yourself.
I would also challenge him in his attitude that the only justifiable activity for you would be some form of exercise. Releasing adrenaline is one way of looking after mental health but it is temporary. Finding a like minded group of people, a creative hobby, joining a choir, volunteering are all proven to be good for mental health.
If he insists on dangerous hobbies make sure he has a good insurance policy.