Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

The cost may not have gone up but their budgets may be tighter (cost of living etc). Just say you understand, would they be up for something cheaper & local eg dinner and overnight somewhere? You really must make sure you don’t feel or sound cross about this.

YABU having an abroad and UK hen do and sound very entitled.

It sounds like the costs have gone up for the abroad trip (the beach house) and while you say you get that back in spends for food and drink maybe that is more than they intend to spend on food and drink.

You have no idea of your friends real financial situation. Saying one has bought a flashy new car doesn't mean they aren't paying for it on finance or took out a loan to buy it which they now need to pay off. Likewise saying they have good jobs and no children doesn't mean their jobs are secure.
Look at all the household costs that went up in April. Maybe last year a trip abroad sounded affordable but now less sure.

If you don't want them at the wedding then that is fine but if it is because they won't go on your expensive hen do makes you sound like a spoilt brat.

If 10 people say they'll come and you look for options for 10 people eg large house, surely you can see it's annoying if 5 pull out and you have to start all over again?

For an overseas hen do, you have to consider people need to take holiday, pay a lot and it will affect their ability to go away with family other times of the year.
If they can't afford it they can't. Can you find an alternative option that is a lot cheaper that all your close friends can afford.
I would prioritise having my friends come and join me, over wanting a flashy hen do.
A lot of people also have a local hen do for friends that can not join and then a bigger trip planned for those that can make it.
I wouldn't expect anyone to fork out for my hen do if they can't afford it.

Annoying and disappointing that they've pulled out so late in the day after committing initially but sometimes these things seem like a good idea at the time, without thought to what they actually involve when the time comes - money, annual leave, health, change of circumstances, other commitments or preference for a holiday more to their taste when the time comes. Having been one of the last in my group to be married, excitement for a hen do declines with time and with age so once it's been done a couple of times, there's no longer the same novelty. I think all you can do is graciously accept their decision and rethink your plans.

As for the wedding, uninviting them would be incredibly unreasonable. Don't punish them for making a personal choice just because you disagree. It's their money and time to do with as they please.

As it happens, I was sacked as a bridesmaid once by a complete bridezilla who lost all perspective and expected me to plan my life and personal appearance around her wedding. Upsetting a bit at the time but on reflection, she was absolutely awful. That was the end of our friendship and what a relief. She, on the other hand, has made several attempts to reconcile and I'm just not interested. Think carefully about how you respond as this could end your friendship. Is it really worth it for one trip or one day?

I’m more interested in why people think that others care enough about their wedding to require 2 holidays for hen parties alone.

I went to the spa with my nearest and dearest, and the rest we met up with afterwards at a restaurant for a meal, then out for drinks for anyone who wanted to. Very much a low commitment, and I only needed to know numbers for the meal, nobody obligated to do anything else

These beach club beds will likely be at least €100 each (probably more) but usually that means you can put that money towards drinks and food (doesn’t stretch as far as it sounds).

At ocean beach (Ibiza) in high season it’s €1350 for up to 10 people. They will also be expected to cover the bride. It’s probably just the straw that broke the camels back in terms of things they’re being told they’re doing, rather than being asked.

FWIW it’s really normal for people that are having an “abroad” hen do to also have a “UK” hen do so that all the people with children, financial constraints etc can still celebrate. There isn’t usually pressure to attend both unless you’re part of the wedding party.

Yes it is last minuite, costs were agreed and flights and hotels were due to be booked and 5 of OP’s friends pulled out the day things were meant to be booked to say can’t come can’t afford it.

OP is getting a hard time here but she is just hurt that 5 close friends who have all agreed to come and knew the costs pulled out without even telling her. 2 of these friends OP went abroad for their hens!!

Circumstances change and you sometimes no longer can afford to go but be decent and tell the bride rather than clearly speak behind her back and all pull out when things are due to be booked

That’s what the poster you are replying to is saying. You have the same point here

OP I do understand why you are disappointed and your friends should have spoken to you about it first however they may have felt uncomfortable hence writing it on the group.

The same thing happened on my own hen do however I quickly realised it was because extra activities and suggestions kept being thrown in by the lead planner who undoubtedly had more disposable income than most and people were worried about the cost! I ended up asking to be added back to the group chat and salvaged the hen do but more importantly my friendships.

Hen do’s are expensive and the prices soon add up especially when they are abroad or it’s expected to contribute towards the brides share. I would speak to the hen’s and see if there’s anything you can change so that they can still come. If not i would just go with the remaining hens and ask the others if they can make your UK do instead.

I absolutely wouldn’t uninvite them or lose a friendship over it.

It depends where you are going, but beach clubs in some areas can be absolutely extortionate. So they might balance the cost with the bed but if the bed AND the drinks are extortionate then it's still potentially a significant extra outlay. Surely you can see that?

Yay someone else finally uses their brain and gets it

It’s irrekevant that they have a flash car frankly - everyone has thd right to spebd their free cash on whatever they want. You sound selfishvand entitled - particularly if you want to punish them by dis-inviting them. Maybe that’s just because at the moment you feel hurt about it all, and disappointed. But you must get yourself in hand and be nice about it.

The cost of the trip might not have gone up but so many other things have - and those other things might be more of a priority to them - they might be necessities - they might just not be able to justify the spending in this economic climate/.

Now I call this post a wind up.

It gets worse. Two hen dos ffs!

completely agree.

Sorry OP, but it is hugely U to have a hen do abroad.

I think many people have very little money left over at the end of every month (i speak from experience and have a reasonably well paid job) I suspect that the cost of this hen do abroad is probably in excess of £500? That coupled with the wedding costs means that people just can’t afford these things. They probably feel awful
pulling out but have little choice. Please be a good friend and accept that. Plan a lovely UK hen do instead and make it affordable for everyone. (mine involved just a night out)

I can't agree with this more. Do you not care about them at all? It's just about you getting to have things? Do your expensive hen do and have a meal with your friends who missed it, who will also be spending money on coming to your wedding.

Kind of not the point; they had previously all agreed - though I take that to mean they all got very excited about the 'idea' (one evening, likely, after a few wines!) then when the idea became a reality, they got cold feet. However, they still agreed nonetheless. Yes, money is tight, but real friends don't let you down like that.

Yes, OP, I would, in all seriousness, drop them from the wedding guest list now. Because, ya know, 'costs' and all that... 😉

I also think people's lives change. What works for young people doesn't always when you are older, even without kids.

People may have more significant career demands, they may be saving to buy a house (or a car) or to start a business. They might have realized they need to pay off student loans soon, or need to go back to school. Maybe they want children soon.

I'm at a stage now where if I take time off to make an international trip with friends, I won't be going with my husband that year, and I might not get to fly to see other family. It's a bigger trade off compared to when I was in my early 20s.

Not having kids is irreverent, and people are entitled to spend their money however they like.

Can’t you cancel the expensive beach club idea and reign the costs back in to what was agreed originally?

Gosh you don't need 2 hen dos. Go on holiday for your honeymoon and cut your mates some slack.

one of them posted a photo of their brand new flash car the other day

So what? I'm guessing she's paying off the finance on that, which means she now has less disposable income.

Ultimately, you're not in the group chat and your friend's doing the organising, so you don't really know exactly what's been discussed. It would be awful for you to uninvite them from your wedding.

I can't bear elaborate hen dos. And you are having two!?! It's insane that you think people want to give up that much time and money just because you are getting married.

Go on a short holiday abroad with your friends if you want to, don't turn it into a qualifying round for the wedding. Beyond tacky.