Page 32 | Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

Dayna87 · 2025-05-06T12:45:43+00:00

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc. They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit. These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think. I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

IwasDueANameChange · 07/05/2025 06:36

Oh and people say yes at the beginning because the bride is excited, they feel under pressure and swept along and feel they will upset the bride if they say no.

murphys · 07/05/2025 06:37

Sorry OP, but you sound very demanding.

It is your wedding and we get this is a special occasion for you and close family. But it isn't for a chunk of friends.

You say you know about their free finances but is that really the case. And who are you to make their finance decisions and then judge them on it.

You are in a self absorbed bubble and your expectations of others are really high

Arancia · 07/05/2025 06:48

Dayna87 · 06/05/2025 16:33

I don’t want to sound out of touch and I do appreciate the costs of things have gone up. However, the friends who are pulling out are high earners and to be honest, haven’t exactly felt the impact of the cost of living crisis.

It doesn't matter if they have as much money as Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk. You are not entitled to decide on other people's behalf that they should spend their money and time on you and your hen do.

Zippedydodah · 07/05/2025 06:51

You say you know about their free finances but is that really the case. And who are you to make their finance decisions and then judge them on it
And you expect them to fund your place on the hen do with all the extras such as meals and drinks as well ?
Smacks of greed to me.

FluffyRabbitGal · 07/05/2025 07:03

You’re hugely unreasonable if you decide to have a paddy and don’t invite these hen’s to the wedding. I went to a UK hen do this Mayday bank holiday weekend which was 3 nights in the UK. After train tickets, accommodation, activities, meals, drinks out etc it cost well over £500. To expect friends to not only spend this level of cash and time if they can’t afford it, would make me rethink the friendship.

HopscotchBanana · 07/05/2025 07:06

She doesn't want to accept that a crowd of nearly 40 somethings are cringing at this and bailing out.

Most of them can afford it without batting an eyelid, if they earn well. But you can't say "FFS Jane, this is embarrassing, you're not 22 any more" so they say "I'm so sorry, but it's just becoming a little expensive, what with the wedding abroad as well"

Original poster

Dayna87 · 07/05/2025 07:06

I’ll do a longer post later but I think it is almost resolved, my fiancé is treating us to the beds at Blue Marlin so the cost is back where it was originally. My friend is going back to the group to see if the 5 who pulled out will change their mind x

OP posts:

NeelyOHara · 07/05/2025 07:06

Noodlehen · 06/05/2025 20:19

Blue Marlin is €1200 for two big beds (more on a Sunday), €1000 of that is the minimum spend and €200 is the hire.

although you’re only allowed 4 to a bed which can be quite strict, so if there were 15 that increases to €2400.

although, it’s pricey enough for drinks and food so you wouldn’t be long spending it x

But OP wont be chipping in herself for this right? The other hens will be covering it for her.
I’d cancel too. You’ve clearly taken the piss, despite your protestations. Otherwise why would they have all told you to fuck off.

BlueCase · 07/05/2025 07:11

Dayna87 · 07/05/2025 07:06

I’ll do a longer post later but I think it is almost resolved, my fiancé is treating us to the beds at Blue Marlin so the cost is back where it was originally. My friend is going back to the group to see if the 5 who pulled out will change their mind x

I think you are so focussed on yourself that you can’t see what is going on here. The beds were the last straw. I am 90% sure there is other stuff about this weekend or your behaviour that they are not liking. Your friends are already fed up. Have you actually messaged them directly about this?

Anyway you are clearly not reading anyone’s opinions so I am not sure why you posted!

Hope it works out for you though. Genuinely.

MikeRafone · 07/05/2025 07:13

Dayna87 · 07/05/2025 07:06

I’ll do a longer post later but I think it is almost resolved, my fiancé is treating us to the beds at Blue Marlin so the cost is back where it was originally. My friend is going back to the group to see if the 5 who pulled out will change their mind x

Why wold you g back to the 5 that have pulled out to enquire whether they have changed their mind? That sounds like you're pressuring them...

They are adults and surely know their own minds

Mountainfrog · 07/05/2025 07:17

maybe not helpful to the thread, but if you haven’t been to Ibiza before you would be shocked how much more expensive things are than other parts of Spain. Agree with other posters about having a realistic breakdown of costs with your organiser and find out honestly and in a non judgemental way, what the barriers are to your friends. You may have to decide either to tone things down or take a smaller group away. Not worth losing friends over though.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 07/05/2025 07:18

BlueCase · 07/05/2025 07:11

I think you are so focussed on yourself that you can’t see what is going on here. The beds were the last straw. I am 90% sure there is other stuff about this weekend or your behaviour that they are not liking. Your friends are already fed up. Have you actually messaged them directly about this?

Anyway you are clearly not reading anyone’s opinions so I am not sure why you posted!

Hope it works out for you though. Genuinely.

Show quote history

Absolutely this, but the OP just refuses to see it.

I really can't imagine treating my friends in this way.

When I had my hen do my priority was ensuring that as many of my friends as possible would be able to come. They were already travelling abroad for my wedding (not far, and not a destination wedding), so for my hen do I said I wanted a one night celebration in London (where almost all of them lived) and to keep costs down as much as possible. A couple dropped out due to pregnancy complications but no one couldn't make it for financial reasons.

Helpmeplease2025 · 07/05/2025 07:19

This is actually my worst nightmare, pulling out of something and the person paying for it then asking you to go anyway, how pressured. It’s not just the cost, OP

SuperTrooper14 · 07/05/2025 07:21

Don't be surprised if the five remain resolute in their decision not to attend. Your fiancé comping the beach club beds doesn't address the extra expenditure from them having to cover your costs for the entire trip. This isn't a decision they've plucked from thin air either – I'd wager that their resentment has been building and they've decided to take a united stand.

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 07:23

OP I stuck up for you multiple times yesterday until you revealed the wedding was abroad and the beds you were talking about were at blue marlin. & the comments about your friends being high earners and haven’t felt the effect of cost of living prices.

I think asking your friends to go abroad for a hen do and then your friend adding on beach beds costing a total of like a thousand euros when you’re already getting married abroad is outrageous…

Wobblemonster · 07/05/2025 07:26

Having to go to the beach club would be the deciding factor not to go for me, not the cost of it.

spoonbillstretford · 07/05/2025 07:27

Just have a good night out with your mates. It's the time a lot of people would begrudge as well as the money, particularly 40 year olds. DDs were 10 and 7 years old when I was 40, even earning a good salary I wouldn't have been spending thousands in Ibiza when we didn't even spend that on a family holiday.

Heronwatcher · 07/05/2025 07:30

Honestly @Dayna87 I would scale back the abroad hen and do something in the UK with these friends.

If they were prepared to pull out because of this beds issue, chances are they are not keen so even if they do now agree either they will resent it or there will be issues when you get abroad. Just go with a small number of friends who you know are keen.

What I have learned from several similar situations is that nice people agree to stuff in the moment and then back out when they realise the reality, either in cost or time. Happens a lot. I don’t book or pay for anything on behalf of others unless I have the money in my hand. I also try to understand it and be tolerant otherwise I’d probably have no friends at all!

You are asking a lot of these people, read the room and let them back out gracefully.

Original poster

Dayna87 · 07/05/2025 07:31

Mountainfrog · 07/05/2025 07:17

maybe not helpful to the thread, but if you haven’t been to Ibiza before you would be shocked how much more expensive things are than other parts of Spain. Agree with other posters about having a realistic breakdown of costs with your organiser and find out honestly and in a non judgemental way, what the barriers are to your friends. You may have to decide either to tone things down or take a smaller group away. Not worth losing friends over though.

We go most summers, it can be expensive but we are being sensible for the Hen and not going OTT x

OP posts:

Heronwatcher · 07/05/2025 07:33

Oh and I am also not skint, but every penny I have is currently earmarked for things I want/ need to do. I’d seriously resent paying for something I wasn’t keen on even if I did have the money (and especially if I was shelling out for the wedding too). Did all of these people who had hen nights abroad also have their weddings abroad too? I think that’s what’s tipped the balance here.

crumblingschools · 07/05/2025 07:33

So going to Blue Marlin is being sensible and not going OTT?

Original poster

Dayna87 · 07/05/2025 07:34

crumblingschools · 07/05/2025 07:33

So going to Blue Marlin is being sensible and not going OTT?

It’s a chilled beach club, we aren’t partying at Pacha until 6am!

OP posts:

spoonbillstretford · 07/05/2025 07:35

Also 40 is about the worst age for people flaking out of arrangements anyway as people have so much going on in their lives. My friend had a 40th birthday party but do many people cancelled on the night. I'd keep it much lower key.

SuperTrooper14 · 07/05/2025 07:36

Dayna87 · 07/05/2025 07:31

We go most summers, it can be expensive but we are being sensible for the Hen and not going OTT x

Show quote history

Have you totted up roughly how much it's going to cost your friends to attend both the hen night and the wedding? Are they going to get much change out of £5k?

IhaveanewTVnow · 07/05/2025 07:37

I’m one of those people that would have agreed initially as it sounded fun and flights were reasonable. But as it gets closer to booking I would have doubts about total cost, food, drinks, outfits, airport parking, hen t shirts, covering hens costs etc and I would have done exactly what your five friends have done. It’s not unreasonable as you have not booked or paid a deposit yet.

my hen do was a lovely meal out in London. There is no way I would have expected my friends to pay more than that and to have to take annual leave.