Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

I’m not going to my sister’s hen because a) spending a weekend with loads of people I barely know or don’t know at all makes my nerves shriek and b) it would cost about £600 (Uk)

this whole hen culture is bizarre.

That's exactly what this is.

Some people entertained this nonsense in the name of being a good friend, then as it's become clearer and clearer this is utterly cringe worthy, I don't think you could even pay some of them to go, let alone fund OP's wannabe insta trip.

Hey OP. Yes that’s really annoying if they knew full costs at the time and agreed although things can and do change in people’s lives. Why do you think they don’t want to go now? If you don’t think it’s financial what other reason do you think it may be?

Also I may have misread but did you say they’d already paid for things like flights which they won’t get the money back for?

They don’t want to go and shouldn’t have to justify it to you. Just have a normal hen do in the UK.

Shudder…
All that washed up plastic on the beach lol

Oh come on OP, people aren’t made of money. Yes, this is massive in your life but your hen do isn’t a big deal to anyone else. You need to accept that people are free to choose how they want to spend their money, don’t lose friends over this.

Because like anyone else it’s time, money and effort that could be spent elsewhere,

It’s probably not the cost or the time off or the location/activities by themselves. It’s the combination of all if them into forced fun that someone else has arranged.

Overseas holiday?

Be sensitive. COL is rocketing. Just attending a wedding costs £££ in clothes and hotels and gifts.

A hen do should be a chance to have drinks and dinner eith close friends. Don't eat into their annual leave and holiday funds. Just say you'd rather be with them in Scunthorpe than in a glam hotel on your own.

I’d happily pay if that’s the deciding factor in people being able to attend.

What have they said when you have offered this solution?

And I said it because others said it 😆

Shows how something can become a ‘thing’ so fast

Uk and abroad?? You don’t need two hen dos. You’re not the queen of England. Spoons and kareoke would do. Slug and Lettuce first if you’re really posh. If you’re upper echelons then All Bar One. Get over yourself.

Jeeez, you booked an abroad wedding and separate abroad hen do? Your friends must be richer than my friends!
I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking people to fork out once never mind twice.
Yes I imagine your friends said £xxx will be the price and the hens agreed, but then further down the line realised that the £xxx included jack shit and they’d need to pay for food, drink, loungers etc.

I think this is poor form from your friends.

This is standard hen celebrations within your circle. You've gone to your friends'. They said they were coming. Their pulling out is compromising the whole thing

It's rubbish and unfair.

You need to find out what happened and see if changing some details will turn things around. They might be pregnant or there might be something else going on.

If they just can't be bothered I'd ditch them.

im not sure if you’re even bothering to check back here OP and I’m sorry that the plans that were made have unravelled on this.

ultimately the friends who have dropped out just don’t want to come. If might not even be related to money or the extra cost of the beds or anything like that. They just don’t want to come.

Eh no it doesn't help at all. Circumstances change, flight prices change and now they can't afford it and have been honest and brave enough to say so. To ask them to do something like this in the first place with only an estimated price is totally unreasonable.

I hope that helps you understand why the op has no right to be annoyed and definitely shouldn't ban them from her wedding, although they would probably be relieved to be rid of such a so called friend.

I think this thread is a total wind up.

FWIW if it’s not, I had my hen do abroad in 2016 and it was the norm. Very fun. So were the hens up until 2019. Post pandemic we started having children and people on the other side getting married had low key hens and abroad weddings. Not sure what changed. The UK hens were not cheap, several 100s of £ as we’re still 2 nights, train, activities, food and drink, at least one meal…. No idea how much abroad hens would cost these days.

I don't see how you can be upset with your friends for not being able to afford something.

There's no need to go abroad at all. Just pick something else.

It seems now that these women are nearer 40 than 20. Maybe on reflection some don't want to be trailing through an airport in a gang of fifteen.

Even a large villa up in the hills of Majorca might be more appropriate?

I understand people not wanting to shell out
££££ for a hen do but if they did similar hens and you went I think you are entitled to be annoyed. Id consider how good friends they actually are

I agree. I appreciate things change, people get carried away initially and say yes then see the costs mounting or could be a number of other reasons. Just asking if the OP has any idea what if she doesn’t believe the reason to be financial what the reason could be.

I miss the good old days when a hen do was just a night at the local club with your friends and a bit of piss-up, some silly photos and perhaps everyone wearing a t-shirt but that was it!

And weddings were much more low-key too...

Life's gone a bit bananas. So many first world problems...

Urgh, your attitude is horrible and your sense of entitlement cringeworthy.

I had an abroad hen do, and a UK one. The abroad one (to a place we'd as a group said we wanted to go to but hadn't got round to), I sourced cheaply. Costs kept to a minimum. I paid for myself and one of my friends who otherwise could not afford it.

My UK hen do was a meal out in a local restaurant with friends (mostly mums with young kids) who weren't able to come on the abroad one.

If you go abroad, you can't have an expectation that people will come. Having two weekends/holiday hen do's AND an abroad wedding AND a wedding reception at home is hideous.

Is this sunbeds we are talking?

Not a table at Pizza Express followed by a few drinks then????