Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

I know, she is coming across more and more unreasonable as the post goes on but seems to be one of these posters who comes on here looking for advice ( hoping people will say she is right) but then can’t take it when people don’t agree with her / say she is being unreasonable

Two of these friend had abroad hens which I attended in the past too.

Did they have abroad weddings as well though?

Yeah, I know. Full county pack. V8 though. Might as well have rolled up my wage cheque and stuck it in the fuel filling hole!

This is beyond unreasonable.

And you wonder why people are backing out, OP?

I wouldn't worry about disinviting them from the wedding @Dayna87 they'll be wiping their brows with relief. Trust me on that.

It's not even about being able to afford it. It's about the fact that you have this expectation to have this many events for your wedding and are demanding attendance and your guests to foot the bill to attend this. Not just the financial element, either. To use up their annual leave and time away from their family etc to do this.

It reeks of entitlement and self-absorption. You can, of course, have as many events as you want for your wedding-but bear in mind-a lot of your guests will be rolling their eyes and dreading it-or looking for a way to pull out.

This is what I mean when I say that the burden to attend weddings nowadays is too much. Couples expect so much out of their attendees and seem to think as it's one of the biggest days of their lives that it should be the biggest day (or indeed multiple days) of their guest's lives, too. Well, no. Grow up.

High earners don't care about £300 extra cost.

They don't want to do this tacky shite. Now it's become apparent OP wants a free ride to pose at one of the most has been places on a has been island, in the name of likes. On top of a wedding abroad that guests are supposed to pay for themselves as well.

Lemonade budget. I can't even say champagne lifestyle. More like Grey Goose hun...

Same old same old.

Bride: "my wedding//hen is in xyz destination overseas but no pressure at all to attend!"

Guest/Bridesmaid: "sounds lovely, but I can't really afford it, I'm sorry. You'll have to count me out"

Bride: < loses her f*cking shit >

THIS IS WHY PEOPLE ACCEPT WHEN THEY CAN'T REALLY COMMIT

They just accept, and think "I'll deal with it later." Wrong but it happens.

When they day comes that brides mean what they say (no pressure at all) then people will able to be honest from the start.

UK hen is mainly for relatives who can’t go abroad, it’s just a nice house for a couple of nights at a weekend and my parents have kindly covered the cost of it. I don’t expect people to go to both.

But but but...that sounds fabulous and more than extravagant enough. Why do you even think you need two hen parties anyway, when neither are a 'party' but a whole few days away? And then a wedding abroad?

What the fuck is the matter with you?

But so what? If you can't book it, it's really no big deal. You're still having an entire hen weekend, a wedding abroad, and then a second gathering back home. That's a lot.

I am sure you can all enjoy a hen event in this country instead of going abroad. Maybe arrange something in the UK and ask your original group if they can make it to your new event. Recently I met a bride who just had 2 bridesmaids and they were on their way for a meal as that was all they wanted. Maybe a meal out would be more helpful. I wouldn't go to an event abroad.

If you weren’t expecting your costs to be covered you’d have messaged by now and suggested you are happy to pay for yourself, that ‘not much between 15 people’ might be the difference in them coming or not. Anyway, regardless, sounds like hard work to me. Presumably you’d be hoping they’ll pay for your drinks and food there too? I can see why they’ve changed their minds tbh.

I can understand your frustration here. Costs are likely to rise due to these people pulling out and leaving you trying to find alternatives to keep the budget reasonable.

Before you pull the plug on their invites, though, have you asked each of them individually why they have pulled out? I’d hear their explanation and then respond to them. Otherwise you’ll feel resentful in their presence in future.

I would point out to each of them that you would have understood if they couldn’t make it from the start, but their withdrawal has disrupted the carefully laid plans of the organisers and could negatively impact the others. This wouldn’t be an attempt to “make them go”, but a way of vocalising your upset, so that they at least apologise properly for handling this so badly.

If flights and accommodation haven't been booked they've done nothing wrong

I’ll be increasing my PT sessions for a few weeks before I think 😂

You are having an abroad wedding that your friends are going to and now you’re getting pissed off because some have decided they can’t afford your Ibiza hen on top.

That is super unreasonable of you.

I’m a very high earner and I go to Ibiza with my girlfriends most years. There is no way around it, Ibiza is extremely expensive. Everything costs a fortune. Even small low key restaurants are a fortune. Last summer I spent around £4K for three nights including hotel, flights, food, drink and entry tickets. Every year when we go we have one or 2 that pull out relatively last minute as other things have come up which means they don’t have the £££ for Ibiza that year.

There is no way I would expect anyone to spend that for me. I certainly wouldn’t expect my friends to cover my costs. And I definitely wouldn’t be offended if anyone said they couldn’t make it.

Fair enough.

I can get you’re disappointed but I think you have to remember it’s all an invitation and people get to choose what works for them and just because you went to theirs doesn’t obligate them to go to yours. It all comes back to an invitation not a summons.

people still are able and willing to go so focus on that and keep it a positive experience, try not to focus on people not coming and casts negative shadow. It is what you make it !

Blue Marlin is €1200 for two big beds (more on a Sunday), €1000 of that is the minimum spend and €200 is the hire.

although you’re only allowed 4 to a bed which can be quite strict, so if there were 15 that increases to €2400.

although, it’s pricey enough for drinks and food so you wouldn’t be long spending it x

Well thank goodness you are having an additional hen in the UK and your wedding is abroad. Otherwise yeah nightmare.

OP this all sounds like a ridiculously overindulgent nightmare and your friends are pulling out because of it. Who has this much holiday and time for one persons wedding?

You say 15 people are on the hen abroad and are paying for you and now five are pulling out. Ridiculously overindulgent to ask people to do all that.

I’d be annoyed if I’d shelled out for others and they weren’t willing to do the same for me. That’s poor form I think

But did the others also have weddings abroad…… I doubt it

There is often so much drama attached to organising hen parties (now often 3 nights or more) I'm just pleased DH & I decided not to do this. It was enough organising a fairly big wedding without all the extra pressure. It was more than enough meeting everyone at the wedding & we've no regrets.
All the best OP. I'm sure it will all work out well in the end.

You will need to if you want the coveted picture perfect ‘insta photos’ which I’d say what this is all about

Still going strong too!

Ooh it's like a goady game of bingo

Dear god what fresh hell is this??

Please keep the (Ibiza?) holiday as a non-essential and take complete charge of the group chat for those who want to go. A surprise hen do is for when it’s low budget and local. Blue Marlin/ o beach and the like are my idea of hell to be honest and I’d feel like I was giving up a lot of money to go somewhere I had absolutely no interest in. Basically money I would rather see spent on a million better things for myself and my family first. A UK hen do in the nearest town or city with a meal and getting pissed up is plenty for most people and good fun if everyone there is up for a nice time. Don’t alienate all your actual friends for the sake of Instagram photos.

Found this on googling. No matter the day of the week, whether you're planning a hen or stag, or going on your first girls or lads holiday, your trip to Ibiza wouldn't be complete without experiencing O Beach in all its glory. Quite literally a show in itself, a day at O Beach is one of the most value for money experiences on the island**

The O Beach would not be my thing at all! I wonder if the whole group actually wants to do this tacky bling-y stuff?