Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

You were well aware of the plans so don’t try and step in now and blame the organiser as she had a big enough job on her hands trying to organise it

Eh? Where have I blamed her?

This place is nuts 😂

i wouldn't be impressed at a place where there's an expectation I spend a certain amount on drinks/food I might not want to, or I pay through the nose for a bed. Goodness me.

This is not unusual with beach clubs, it’s just how they operate

It should be really obvious at this stage that the right thing to do would be to not have an abroad hen do

But it's not for you to decide how they spend their money.

I imagine the addition of the beach club has pushed this to being too expensive for them. Have you actually looked at the price of them!?

Yep no pressure at all, just the threat of being disinvited if they don't cough up for your little holiday. How many days is this 2nd hen do in ibiza (in addition to the UK weekend)? How many days is the wedding?

Not just too expensive, but maybe they are fed up with her taking the piss.

Why do you think they're pulling out OP, given you insist cost isn't an issue?

Is there an active volcano above the beach?
Armed conflict in the region?
Has everyone been surreptitiously shagging the groom?

What's YOUR theory?

OP you say nobody is being forced to do it all but then here you are complaining when people don’t want to do it all.

By saying you need to intervene to sort things out means that you think the organiser wasn’t doing a good enough job and you need to step in now to rectify something….you knew what the plans were all along and agreed them, you also wanted to add the additional cost of the beach club when you knew it would be unlikely you wouldn’t be paying for any of it and the burden would be on the other hens

You are beginning to sound like a very thoughtless, selfish, entitled person

Does it matter if you don’t have a hens night… I mean really! You’ve got one with the rellies, an overseas wedding venue, I mean how much more can or do you expect invitees to fund?

Given the fact that your immediate reaction to being told that they can't afford to go on a pricey hen do abroad is to throw a strop and uninvited them from the wedding is it any wonder they've taken a while to be upfront about it?

Maybe they were aware you'd act like a petulant child and were trying to find ways to avoid that. Poor form to put people you've called friends into that position in the first place.

I hate these kinds of hen dos where the friends and family are expected to shoulder the bill of an expensive trip away abroad because the bride just wants it so much. It's not so much that I think you can't have destination hen dos or indeed weddings-you can but you do so with the understanding that some people won't be able to make it due to the time and financial commitment.

If you're going to throw a strop and uninvite them to the wedding, I wouldn't consider you a reasonable person.

Maybe they didn't know upfront that they couldn't afford it. Sometimes, things can look good on paper but when you go back and do the calculations and see how it looks in reality-it doesn't work. Maybe they've had an unexpected bill or some other bills have increased (as most things are nowadays).

I just feel like the burden to attend weddings and hen dos nowadays is just so high because the bride and grooms expectations are completely out of step with reality. You need to realise that whilst this wedding and whole event is massively important to you-and whilst your family and friends will want you to have the best time-it is still your day, not theirs, and it's just another event and expense that they're trying to get through.

I feel like so many couples would be best served by remembering that. Just because it's a huge day for you, doesn't mean that it's not just another costly event for others, even if they want you to have the best time.

Nobody is being forced but if they don’t go she was thinking of in inviting them from the wedding…..therefore you are being forced unless you want the friendship to end

I think the other hens know what the bride is like as have had previous knowledge of her behaviour and their mass pull out is probably not just down to the hen weekend but because of other things she has done aswel ie piss taking

If you want people to attend and the dealbreaker is the cost, then I think you need to clarify to the group that you will be covering your own costs, they will not have to split it between them.

Honestly it sounds outrageous to want to go on a hen do of this type for yourself and not offer to pay for yourself because as you say “it’s the done thing”.

It’s €30 to rent a sub lounger at that place plus €70 minimum spend as well so €100 a head! I suspect this is what has put them off, prices are horrendous. I looked at it 2 years ago and instead bought wine, food and headed to the beach with our towels! I was in Ibiza for an event but wouldn’t go back, so over priced.

So wait, you are having:
UK hen do
Abroad hen do
Abroad stag
Abroad wedding
UK wedding reception

Sorry, but at that point I would throw in the towel and not really care if we remained friends. I could afford it, but would I want to squander my money, annual leave etc. for multiple overseas events for someone else's wedding? Nope. I wouldn't do all that faff for my OWN wedding.

Also, getting your "costs covered" by guests is beyond tacky.

Are you expecting a bridal shower, too?

Maybe if you paid for your own 'holiday' then it would help. Don't be so greedy.

We took a large group of friends in their couples out to dinner, we paid the bill of course.
Wedding, wedding breakfast, dinner and dancing was family only, paid for by my family.
Now I see OP's friends are expected to pay her share of the trip? It's beyond greedy.

Having been in the group of 5 last year in a near identical situation I would just like to add some context. Yes we did all discuss with each other because we are the closest with each other (and the bride) out of the whole group. The off group discussions weren't nasty, they were us all sharing our gut feelings about really not wanting to spend £1500 (before food and spending) on 3 days away but how awful we all felt and so desperate to be there for the bride, and kept hashing it out before making the decision then posting nearly simultaneously but very much as a group. If one of us had decided to go i think we all would have and it wasn't not being able to afford it, it was more the completely nonsense unnecessariness of it. Her plans had been somewhat railroaded by a newer group of friends and it was much more their cup of tea (her new cool friends) than ours (the old less cool ones!). Everything we did was with love and consideration but fundamentally an entire lack of desire to spend the same amount on her hen as we could have for a week away with husbands and kids! I'm sure she felt dreadfully hurt but we all talked it out and are still besties 😉. The thought of her chucking us out the wedding because of it is insane!

I’d be annoyed if I’d shelled out for others and they weren’t willing to do the same for me. That’s poor form I think.

Ive also been having a peek at blue marlin and O beach on insta - i couldn’t think of anything worse than having to go there myself but if you have the money and body for it good luck!

And?

If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen.

Such is life. If you want it to happen so bad, fund it yourself.

27 pages in and OP still can't see what a total div she is. This is beyond her comprehension.

Are you expecting a bridal shower too

Probably

Some brides really do think their wedding is the event of the year, they don’t seem to realise it means very little to other people and most people only really want to fork out for one day ( the actual wedding day) and not all the rest of the nonsense

God the relief not to be involved with any of this.