Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

Wait, you don’t know the cost? So they are paying for you to attend as well?

YANBU in feeling hurt or let down, but to be honest I’ve signed up for events thinking I’d have more than enough money by then and for many reasons ended up realising I just couldn’t fulfil the commitment. It could be for any number of reasons, just because they’re your friends it doesn’t mean you know the full ins and outs of their financial situations.

YABU in wanting to uninvite them, unless you’re prepared for the friendship to end.

IMO anything abroad is a bit of an extravagance. I want to get married in Vegas and it will be an open invite for any close friends or family to want to come along, but only if they want to and they’re free to make their own arrangements.

So your having a

home hen

abroad hen

abroad wedding

abroad stag

home wedding reception

that’s a lot for people to pay to attend all parts, doesn’t matter if your a high earner or not. It’ll be thousands of ponds to do it all realistically and I presume some people going have partners going to the stag.

honestly, I think your expecting far to much of people . I am in the fortunate position that I could have of afforded it all if I was a guest but I would feel resentful spending money on it all

Whilst I think there are a lot of porkies, in my twenties all me and my friends were high earners. A trainee solicitor at a City firm (which we all were) gets 150-200k a year, not including a bonus

In addition to being pretty horrible for low earners, the Truss mini-budget screwed-over a lot of high earners if they were already stretched on their mortgages.
If you have a £1M property with an 800k mortgage, then BoE base rate increasing 5% between December 2021 and August 2023 is £1300 a month extra on your mortgage payments. That's a lot to find out of your discretionary spending! Perhaps your friends aren't as minted as you think?

No one is being asked to do it all. Most of my friends will go to my hen abroad and to the wedding - that’s it. There has been quite a bit of poetic licence from some previous posters

What makes you feel entitled to pressure all your friends to go abroad for several days just because you are getting married? Is it not enough that your wedding alone will probably set them back a few hundred quid one way or another?

Whay can't you just have a nice meal out and a few cocktails?

I mean your hens are expected to do the two expensive parts.

Most people would rather spend a few K on something they actually want. Not two parties.

If most of your friends are going to your hen do aboard, what are you complaining about?

I get you’re upset and I get that this was all previously agreed, but I do think it’s absurd that people expect their friends to pay 100’s or 1000’s to attend their hen parties! Why not just do something closer to home rather than ruin friendships?

There is no pressure at all. Re-read my OP

You are an arse for expecting a hen do abroad. You are an arse for everything. You are an arse for adding to expense. You are an arse. Please do uninvited them, I’m sure they’ll be glad. You are an arse (and probably divorced before 5 years)

Have you read my OP? It’s on page 1 x

Oh my god I've just realised your wedding is abroad as well.

What madness is this?

If there's no pressure, why are you so bothered that some have changed their minds?

You really need to read my posts. Them pulling out en masse after originally agreeing means it’s looking challenging to still go away as planned.

Yes - I read your OP but now you have posted that most of your friends will be going - which is it?

That sounds a lot like pressure to me...

I thinks it's ridiculously mad and entitled to have a hen abroad AND a wedding abroad and to expect everyone to attend both unless you are all mega-minted with no worries about holiday entitlement. I expect the beach club with the sunbeds drove them over the edge. I have a fair idea the sort of extra costs you would be up for on such a day.

How about the beach club be optional? Those that want to go, the other do something else that day.

It's this that makes it look suss, so many people pulling out means something has been discussed

Bloody hell! Expecting people to take out a loan to attend a wedding? Some people go bonkers when they get married.

Why do people commit this torture to people they call friends???

What you're missing OP... yes your friends might be high earners, but that doesn't mean they're happy to spend that much money on one person's MANY events. Maybe they're saving for things you aren't aware of, maybe they have more debt than you're aware of, maybe they aren't the high earner you think they are.

Maybe they just can't be fucking arsed with all these wedding events and don't want to spend at least 4 weekends of their lives celebrating you're fucking wedding.

Just get married because you want to get married, stop trying to turn everyone's calendar year into the "Dayna show"

Pulling out en masse indicates a system issue, not an individual issue. I reiterate that you need to read that whole group chat before you jump to any conclusions.