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Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

1000 replies

Dayna87 · 06/05/2025 13:45

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

OP posts:
Beesandhoney123 · 06/05/2025 18:15

Just realised op was expecting her costs to be covered :) well, that is why they are not going. I might pay for my dd or ds to be nice, but not a friend! Would you really take their money?

Boreded · 06/05/2025 18:17

Dayna87 · 06/05/2025 14:54

Wow so many posts I’m struggling to keep up, just to reply to some of the repeated questions -

-UK hen is mainly for relatives who can’t go abroad, it’s just a nice house for a couple of nights at a weekend and my parents have kindly covered the cost of it. I don’t expect people to go to both.

-There are still 9 people going to the abroad hen but the accommodation lined up would be too expensive and my friend is struggling to find an affordable alternative.

-My friends are mainly career women with good jobs and little commitments, I know abroad hens aren’t for everyone but at the stage we are all at in our lives it’s the ‘done thing’ currently and has always been popular.

-I know I can’t really uninvite my friends from the wedding, I said that out of frustration and I know they’ve already booked flights for it and accommodation so I wouldn’t be so cold for them to lose out on that.

Wait a minute…your wedding is abroad too?

ffs

diddl · 06/05/2025 18:17

I think you already adding an extra will put some off.

They won't want to get tied in & then more extras are added!

Youvebeenframed · 06/05/2025 18:19

Thrash this out with your friend tonight and insist that if she knows what’s going on, she must tell you even if it means “spoiling the surprise”
You need to know exactly what has happened that has caused the others to bail at this stage and come up with a plan to smooth this over with minimum fuss and resentment
Left to fester, this has the potential to seriously take the shine off your planning, the run up to your day and ultimately your big day itself.
Once you have a clearer idea of what’s happened you can put a message into the group with a suggestion that may save the situation… whatever that may be.
Falling out with your mates this close to your wedding isn’t what you want or need.
Don’t be that mate

TequilaNights · 06/05/2025 18:19

I initially thought it was a bit shitty of your friends.

But every reply you send, I'm starting to see why, then to find out you expect them to cover you too!?! What the ever loving hell! No wonder they have all pulled out.

Lavender14 · 06/05/2025 18:20

I think you need to speak to your friends individually from a place of trying to understand what's changed for them before you get mad at them. You don't really know their circumstances or if something else has been going on in the background you aren't privy to - eg poor organisation/ negative atmosphere among attendees or if there's something that you've done that's rubbed them up the wrong way. At the end of the day, if they're good enough friends that you'd want them on a hen do abroad, then they're good enough friends that you can take the time and patience to explore this properly with them individually to try to understand where they're coming from before you get cross.

You're asking them to pay for an abroad hen AND an abroad wedding. That's a lot op. My feeling is one or the other is reasonable but both is a bit much. Is it possible they've said yes because they didn't want to let you down but once they actually did the maths in the context of their year with the other commitments they need/ want to make they've realised it's not as doable as they'd hoped?

For now I'd suggest they come to the home hen and sit down with your moh and look at other options for accommodation etc. I'd also ask her to do a reassessment of the cost and how happy everyone is with it.

BigHeadBertha · 06/05/2025 18:20

First, I'm not surprised that a few people have pulled out of those plans. Stop and figure up the range of what people will be spending for your wedding, total.

Whatever numbers you come up with, I'm sure it's a lot. And the ongoing things that come up in other people's lives are and should be their main priority--- not your wedding.

Any of the numbers you've figured up- how many of those people would YOU hand over that much of your hard earned cash to? Again, regardless of the rest, you ARE asking a lot. Many guests might be on the edge of if they could swing it or not and as it gets closer to the time to pay up, they have somewhat different circumstances and have realized it's now farther out of their comfort zone than they want to go, after all.

As has been mentioned, you probably don't know their full situations anyway. Maybe someone is pregnant or their spouse has been diagnosed with cancer or their job is on the line- there are many expenses or threats of future expenses that can come up unexpectedly, that they aren't necessarily ready to disclose. There's also a time cost, aside from the financial cost.

As far as who's similarly expensive things you've paid for, well times change, Don't they? You're likely all in a transitional stage of life, where your friends are going from being young and free to settling down and getting more serious about life. Buying homes, getting married, having kids--- or planning to. There's a stage of life where it's still fun to blow money to hang out with your pals and then it passes into a stage where all that recedes into the background because people have more grown-up concerns.

So, they have told their change in plans to the person you put in charge of handling it. The idea that they need to consult with you first is incorrect, in my opinion. That also smacks of you thinking it's a discussion, when their change of plans does not need to be approved by you and is likely not something they enjoy doing.

Anyway, with ALL of it, please realize your wedding is really, mainly, a series of expensive, non-necessary luxuries that centers around you. It's not that important to others. Treat it accordingly.

Expect more of this kind of thing and graciously accept it. Anything else puts you firmly into bridezilla territory. If you don't want to mark yourself as a self-centered, immature, spoiled brat, keep these feelings to yourself (and on forums where you're anonymous). That's my advice.

Now, get on the internet yourself and find a suitable place for the remaining guests to stay. Just get to it and see what you can do. It might involve downgrading the luxury or kicking in some more money of your own. If you can't swing it even after being more flexible, then cancel it and expand the plans for your other hen do instead or whatever. I think you'll feel better after you get this settled. Best wishes.

Borntobeamum · 06/05/2025 18:20

The more I read, the more I think either you’re winding us up, or you’re the bride with the least consideration for her guests that I’ve ever met!
This is absolutely ridiculous.
Grow up and have a bit of empathy.

Discuss this with your elder family members and get their opinion.
Be prepared to realise you are so in the wrong!!!

Dayna87 · 06/05/2025 18:21

GFBurger · 06/05/2025 16:50

It is, but they are fun!!

If you were looking at a villa and how that is too expensive do consider aparthotels - especially the vibra hotels. You get a small kitchenette and they absolutely suitable for Hen parties. You won’t necessarily get the insta pics, but you can find those anywhere - it is Ibiza after all.

Hotel Jabeque for Playa d’en bossa. You can walk to Figueratas which is great and you can get a boat to Ibiza town. And it’s just walkable to Playa D’en Bossa.

There’s others in San Antonio obvs, but it’s not my favourite, but you can get cabs everywhere really easily so don’t feel you have to stay in San Antonio.

Cala d’bou is really close to San Antonio and much cheaper.

Also… the beach clubs… can sometimes be a pile of rubbish. Some can just trade off of the insta shots. It is just as beautiful to go to the wonderful beaches near the beach clubs and save the money for Ushuaia.

Let me know if you haven’t been before and need some pointers.

Thank you I’ll share this with my friend!

Have you been to Blue Marlin? That’s where we had hoped to go but think we might need to downgrade and brave O Beach to save on money x

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2025 18:23

TesChique · 06/05/2025 16:47

Home Hen - Financed by Mum & Dad
Away Hen - Financed by Friends
Wedding - Financed by in-laws/parents

Yet you're moaning that no one wants to spend money on your trip

OP - come on now, you can;t be serious

If this is the case, then yes. And even if not, it’s so unfair to even ask people to spend thousands and thousands on your abroad wedding, hen do and 3rd party in the uk.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 06/05/2025 18:23

Dayna87 · 06/05/2025 16:01

My partner has relatives abroad where the wedding is being held. So in the end we decided to go for an abroad wedding and we’ll have a family gathering on our return with my relatives who can’t make it.

So, you expect some people to spend out for the hen do and then again for the "abroad" wedding. Why did you not have the wedding where most of the people live and let his family fly in for it?

Unless it was my child, I would not spend that kind of money to watch someone say "I do".

Lavender14 · 06/05/2025 18:23

Also most of my friends did an abroad hen. We never paid for any of them to go. The census was that if you want a holiday for your hen you pay your way for everything and the hens just covered the the cost of the bride for a night out and dinner and accessories for one night on the hen. Asking them to pay for your entire holiday is crazy.

Whatthebarnacles · 06/05/2025 18:24

Bridezilla much? 😅
Jeez, some people literally lose control as to what actually matters when the time comes for them signing paper 🤣

Boreded · 06/05/2025 18:25

Dayna87 · 06/05/2025 15:14

I’m not going abroad because I want to copy my friends but because it’s somewhere I enjoy visiting and it’s (hopefully!) my only Hen so I want to make it memorable.

I don’t think it’s entitled/selfish to have a UK one - I’ve family who physically can’t go abroad and it’s not a separate invite list either. As I’ve said the cost of that accommodation is covered.

We’ve secured very favourable accommodation rates for guests to use for the Wedding which are easily cheaper than what it would cost in the UK.

So the flights and accommodation for your overseas wedding cost more than either a hotel at the venue, or a taxi to and from the venue if you were to have a uk wedding…course they are love.

and you know what, I would be more pissed off about the amount of their annual leave you are stealing from them 🙄

Insane

Boreded · 06/05/2025 18:28

Dayna87 · 06/05/2025 16:14

Not really - that’s traditionally how these things work.

Now I know this is a fake post.

sweetpickle2 · 06/05/2025 18:30

Blue Marlin is about 2 grand for a bed, you are definitely on the wind up now OP.

MummaMummaMumma · 06/05/2025 18:31

Wow, you're not only asking people to spend money to attend your abroad wedding, but also a second time for a hen do?! Then get angry and want to uninvite them to wedding when they change their minds due to cost.
That is absolutely awful of you.

Pickledpeanuts · 06/05/2025 18:31

😂😂😂😂"brave O Beach"

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 06/05/2025 18:31

Dayna87 · 06/05/2025 18:21

Thank you I’ll share this with my friend!

Have you been to Blue Marlin? That’s where we had hoped to go but think we might need to downgrade and brave O Beach to save on money x

Absolutely tone deaf to what anyone is saying, absolutely appalling behaviour.

Cosyblankets · 06/05/2025 18:32

Dayna87 · 06/05/2025 16:23

None are self-employed. It has been scheduled around a bank holiday weekend so that only one day’s annual leave would be needed.

So August bank holiday then?
Peak season prices

Calmdownpeople · 06/05/2025 18:32

Dayna87 · 06/05/2025 16:01

My partner has relatives abroad where the wedding is being held. So in the end we decided to go for an abroad wedding and we’ll have a family gathering on our return with my relatives who can’t make it.

Ah so the truth comes out. Two trips abroad for your wedding - hen and wedding.

Honestly OP it might be your big day but this is a lot to ask. It isn’t just financial. It’s the time, effort, planning, expense etc

I would think this is way too much. My personal opinion is destination weddings are just really selfish - unless the bride or groom is from that destination. It’s a lot of expense to everyone and frankly normally cheaper for the bride and groom with a honeymoon built it.

No way would I ever do these two abroad things for a wedding. And I have the money. I think you are completely missing. The point which is not everyone feels the same about your big say as you do.

scoobysnaxx · 06/05/2025 18:32

This is insane.

Are you seriously expecting for them to pay for an abroad hen, possibly a UK hen and then pay to come abroad again for the wedding?

Absurd.

They might be able to afford it, they just don’t want to.

fucking ridiculous I’d never ask so much of people I’d be so embarrassed.

Abroad hen.

outerspacepotato · 06/05/2025 18:33

Now the 2nd Ibiza hendo is in reality a gift grab so OP can have a holiday on her friends' dime?

No wonder they're canceling.

Assssofspades · 06/05/2025 18:33

This has got to be a Daily Mail journo after some material 😂

SadCarpetMess · 06/05/2025 18:34

Wind up

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