Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

Omg no. You make it very clear your paying your share. I don't know know anyone who has had an abroad hen and not paid for themselves

A punch up and a policeman stripper lol (PC Love Length obvs )

To be fair to the OP, she's never said she's going to Ibiza, let alone any specific beach club, so none of us know what sort of cost the extra might be. It might of course be substantial as 'the minimum spend' is the unquantified sum.

She's also I think made it clear that the hen dos are for different people, and probably similarly the wedding celebrations, so she is not expecting most people to be at all four.

OP, sorry you are so disappointed. But these hen dos and overseas weddings are way out of hand, so many people having them and especially those invited to more than one event every couple of years, struggling to keep up with the financial and time implications. It's easy to think you can afford something that is arranged for months or years ahead, then discover that for all kinds of reasons you can't find the money.
This is an opportunity for a fresh start. I suggest you join the group and see if between you, you can brainstorm a hen do that suits everyone. It can be on the same dates as the original one since it's already on the calendars, but cheaper and easier to get to. A weekend in a modest hotel in Paris or an AirBnB in Wales, maybe? You might all have a wonderful time if you do it in the right spirit.

They’ve been thinking, gosh that hen is coming up, it’s expensive, I have to take time off work. Then the beach club gets thrown in, one of them says to the other - not being rude but this is a lot, isn’t it? The other says, omg YES, I’ve been thinking the same. Then someone else also says, to be honest I could be doing without it. So one says, I’m out, I’m gonna write in the group chat, the others say, yes me too, and then it’s done.

I’ve seen people send the ‘sorry, can’t make it, have a great time’ text, then immediately leave the group chat, so there can be no pushback. Others see it and think, oh, well, person X can dropped out, so I can too.

Agreeing with the many people who say these abroad hens are ridiculous. It’s mad to me - when I have a hen it will be one night away at most, or even just one evening out. I don’t want to take away people’s time and money!! Plus they’re paying for you?! That’s completely insane, I’m sorry.

Not really - that’s traditionally how these things work

I've never been to an abroad hen where the bride expected her costs covered.

There's no "traditionally" about an abroad hen do - they're not remotely traditional.

If you paid for yourself then perhaps everyone could afford to come?

So sorry I just have to know it’s killing me with curiosity - will the whole
trip be costed out and then your part split up and paid collectively by the guests?

Because if that’s the case ( can’t decide if genius or more front than Blackpool) then if peeps drop out it pushes costs for the remaining guests again no? As less people
to share your bit out with…?

Just very, very curious as that is new to me and I’ve been abroad / on city break / weekend hen do’s etc
Just not heard that …

Don't be daft the OP can't afford that have you seen how much an ibiza holiday with all the trimmings is!

Nothing makes my heart sink more than a foreign hen do.

THIS X 100.

Also I wonder how many people knew there would be a UK hen do when agreeing to the abroad one. If they found out later down the road, the abroad hen becomes less appealing. 15 was a lot of people to originally have lined up, i'm not surprised a bunch have dropped out. That's also a lot of personalities, and the group chat might be more annoying that people have realised. I'd bet my savings that there is a side chat with "This is not shaping up to be my cup of tea, X seems really full on, it's getting out of control. I think I'll drop out and go to the home hen instead" and then the others follow because it's logistically easier and cost effective.

Probably because it’s got out of hand.

In our friendship group, there is little that couldn’t be afford in terms of a weekend away - for a hen or similar. But every single one of us would have/does have a limit of what is ridiculous vs what is reasonable and it doesn’t correlate to what’s in our bank account.

I can absolutely guarantee that the person organising it has let it get totally out of control and they’ve just had enough.

If the plan was to book beds at somewhere like O Beach I can understand people dropping out. Not only are they very expensive, it will have people worried that you will have very high expectations whilst there and they will need to be paying out for very expensive drinks, food and entry fees which can easily cost a lot more than the flights and accommodation.
If you seriously would be happy to uninvite them to your wedding then you aren't really close friends, more like acquaintances to party with.

Can you tell us the cost INCLUDING the minimum spend? As yes, they get the minimum spend part back to spend on food and drinks at the beach club, but how much is it?

As from experiences these places are very expensive. I’ve done one before in Majorca and it was £130 each up front, you got £80 of that to spend towards drinks and food. But £80 really doesn’t get you far in these places- a simple lunch meal was about £30-40 in the one we went to and drinks were around £10 each.
So £50 of that is just gone on reserving your “spot/bed” for the day, and £80 goes on lunch and a couple of drinks. So it was still £130 each for the day, plus more for additional drinks and service charge.

So to me, that is quite a lot of money. I regretted doing it after we’d been to one, a day on the beach or by the pool with a nice bar nearby really isn’t that different, and a hell of a lot cheaper.

Is yours a similar price overall? As it IS a lot of money for some people.

As a compromise can you not just cancel the beach club day and then they can still come, as they can’t really quibble that seeing as they agreed to the cost for flights/accom in the first place.

Or is it is a case of, tney agreed to flights and accom costs, but now there’s even more extras alongside the beach club that we don’t know about? Putting money in for decorations/party bags, everyone having to buy a certain coloured bikini for the beach club, everyone having to buy a certain coloured dress for a night out?

Wait. You expect them to pay for you too???? Utterly ridiculous. I have never heard of that before. Incredibly entitled I definitely would pull out

My hen do which happened when dinasours roamed the earth consisited of me and 5 mates meeting up in town going for a meal, going for a few drinks and then on to a club. Many years have passed and I still look back at the laughs we had, it was all done on the hoof, no competitive spending, just me and some women I am still friends with who were there to wish me well and have fun. One of the women who was there is dying now and the memory of her dancing in the club is especially poignant now. So glad the whole thing wasn't about money and status

Don't disinvite your friends from the wedding - friends who will be putting money into: outfits, travel (even if its just driving), accomodation (even if its just travelodge), childcare, and your wedding gift - just because they can't afford your hen too! You are being utterly unreasonable. Do a cheap and cheerful hen-do at a local restaurant/bar and stop thinking the world revolves around you because you are getting married. It's absolutely exhausting reading these bridezilla threads!

RTFT… what you have said is absolutely nothing to do with any of the OPs points

It's not for you to dictate or make assumptions how people spend their money, or assume as they don't have dc, they are awash with cash.

They said they could go. Now they can't. Probably thought they could but now they can't.
You've already got one hen do, concentrate on that. What is your fiance doing? Is he having two parties? Could you and he go instead for a mini break before you get hitched?

At least you aren't suddenly finding you are going alone.

But is illustrative of the point that OP cannot profess to know what her friends priorities are re their money. We all have different ones

OP is a money grub.

9 friends left?! I dont even have 9 friends! 😂

Ah I see, bridezilla is pissed off because she doesn’t get the exact free holiday hen do she demanded would have liked and so now she’s throwing a tantrum and thinks rescinding the wedding invites will get them to stump up upset about her friends’ lack of commitment

I have actually had my invitation revoked from a wedding because I said I could no longer do the abroad hen party, that I initially agreed too. But the extras kept being tacked on and tacked on, like a minimum spend cabana nonsense and my circumstances changed and it was just frankly ridiculous at that point.

I was uninvited, everyone thought the bride was a ridiculous diva, we no longer talk. When you have an abroad hen this is the risk you take, people will have to pull out for a lot more reasons, as it’s a lot more time, money, effort compared to a UK one.

So your having 2 hen doos
Ott or what