Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

What does that mean - "not really"?

Are your costs cover by the hens or not? If they are then you are being a total CF

Can you not see that whilst the prices may not have changed, people’s situations may have? They may have bigger bills, less income, more responsibilities at home, or less desire to go with you and the remaining hens. There are lots of potential valid reasons for them to change their mind.

Youre not a princess or celebrity. You’re a normal woman getting married. You don’t need two hens and you don’t need a hen do abroad.

It’s clear from your reaction, showing defensiveness instead of empathy, that you’re not a good friend of theirs, so why should they be £££ out of pocket for you? A real friend doesn’t react like you have. I think they’ve made the right decision.

I think that if a couple want stag and hen dos they should pay all costs except drinks.
Have the party you can afford - not the party you want your mates to pay for.
You want a fancy hen do abroad? Fine - you pay for it.🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not like they pulled out after anything was booked. Circumstances change all the time. And even if that wasn't the case, the price is different now than what it was. OP and her planner have added in costs that weren't orginally agreed to so the cost has changed. I think that's a perfectly valid reason to pull out.

Oh the 1980s! A group well oiled (on snakebites) women stumbling around their handbags in a circle to the Human League's Don't You Want Me, Baby?

Those were the days! Life was so much simpler then. No mobile phones, no pics, no incriminating texts the following morning, saying 'I saw what you did!' or pics on Facebook of you throwing up into your friend's handbag... What happened on a Hen do, stayed on a Hen do.

We had so much fun!

Oh so there's a uk based family gathering as well now!? So one could potentially be:

1. Going to your UK wedding.
2. Going to your UK ceremony.
3. Going to your abroad Hen.
4. Going to your abroad Wedding.

In the gentlest way, you get one wedding and one hen.

Your chose abroad for your husbands sake (i dont quite understand why you chose that as the actual wedding instead of as a blessing for dh and his immediate family when you will be living here and your family and friends who will be your closest support live here therefore as there are more of them, who will offer greater support, they should have been prioritised, but thats your prerogative).

But you get one hen do. I know you think you're being lovely and inclusive by having the hen you want (abroad) and a token one for those that can't travel (same as your second wedding) but is a big cost in time and money and headspace and you're getting backlash from your hens because its too much. I accept it may have come from a good place but your friends are telling you its too much. Accept that, like you, they are coming from a good place and work on moving forward.

Presumably they thought they would be able to afford it when it was first agreed, but now they can’t - due to the rises in the cost of living, perhaps, or unexpected expenses.

I doubt they are doing this to hurt you or because they don’t care about you or want to celebrate your hen do with you, but money only goes so far.

This basically.

It's: Great, she's getting married abroad so that's more annual leave, plus flights, plus accommodation, plus all extras out there. Double all of that if I want to actually take my partner and not stand about on my own.

Now this bloody hen do is abroad as well. Excellent take another day's annual leave. And all the flights and accommodation. Oh and she's expecting us to pay for all of her costs. All while she's doing another hen do in the UK that she's not paying a penny for either.

What's that? Now she wants us all paying even more for beds at some vapid beach club because she really wants too? Nah. Fuck this. I'm out.

OP sorry but you are beyond entitled and really greedy. It's not a good look.

'book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.'

1. Find out now yourself how much this costs, and how much the min spend is
2. if this is really the only stumbling block to these 5 friends coming on your trip abroad hen do ?
3. then you take responsibility for an activity you have chosen that you want to do, and you pay for it in it's entirety...

This.

WTF?

The best hen I went to was a bunch of us doing a pub crawl. I was designated driver in a 12 seater LandRover and we are still talking about it twenty years later. It had literally everything and though sober, I loved it and everyone had a brilliant time.

I think it’s a lot to have both a wedding abroad and a hen do abroad and expect family and friends to be able to meet this expectation. I do think it’s unfair your friends were seemingly up for it and then changed their minds - do you think they felt they couldn’t say no initially?

I think anyone who works in events know that many people pull out when it comes to it.

Everyone loves the idea but the reality of not quite the date, cost and accommodation they would have chosen themselves becomes too much. It's a lot of compromises really.

Make the UK one bigger and better and call the smaller abroad one something else.

Jesus, the entitlement! UK hen do, overseas hen do, overseas wedding. Mounting costs, last minute additions, covering YOUR costs, and you’re having a tantrum because 5 of them have got together and decided you’re taking the absolute fucking piss?

Who are you to comment on their earnings/purchases/cars? I could have £100k sitting in savings and I still wouldn’t attend any of these ridiculous things.

Wait what?! You are expecting for them to pay for you too??

This sounds incredibly expensive. I don’t blame them pulling out.

You had me at 12-seater Landy 😍

To be honest if you weren't in the group chat I'd imagine they'd communicate through that first. Presumably because they're hoping the lead bridesmaid will have to tell you. So it's kind of cowardly, but inevitable but also not great.

It seems that maybe they really can't afford it? It's quite a big thing to go on holiday and I know it's disappointing, but I guess budgets really should have been discussed right at the start. If they were and everyone was in on it, then it does seem harsh to pull out.

I hope something can be arranged closer to home that you can enjoy.
I wouldn't bar them from the wedding over it.
And you can go abroad as a honeymoon with your husband.

What people choose to spend their money on is none of your business. You sound incredibly spoiled.

4 events is a lot.

OP you sound nice and have been polite in the face of a lot of criticism but I think this has got away from you a bit if you consider what your closest friends and family are being asked to attend (and they'll want to join everything, those that can).

I would get together with your friend, take the refusals on the chin and do some streamlining.

I know you're good earners (not being belittling) but if you're having to source a good deal and it's an issue that several are pulling out and increasing the cost, I really do consider that having an overseas wedding and hen do is a bit of a step too far.

It might have been the beach club that pushed people's budget over the edge. Or, things may have come up that people need to account for.

5 refusals is a message that this is a bit too much to ask. If you want your friends there at a price you've agreed, I would be listening to that message and scaling back the request rather than adding more options.

Take a step back, have a glass of wine and regain perspective.

The truth is, 5 of your friends have coordinated to say it’s too much to expect from them. These are friends you say have no financial concerns, kids, and many who had their own hen overseas. This suggests there’s something going on in the plan/costs/logistics that make FIVE people in the group think your being a CF.

5 is not a small number, mumsnet can’t help you really work out specifically what’s up, especially if your plans are typically the ‘done’ thing in your group. But this isn’t just 1 or 2 in the group, so you need to do some reflection, drop the ‘no invite’ attitude, and speak to them with an open mind

You’ve missed the part where they are all paying for OP to boot!

Is it O Club OP? If it is, you're at it, that's definitely at least an extra £100, the package prices are wild. When I went we spent over £200 each. Its a big day out, not an insignificant sun lounger fee.
Even at the lowest banding, adding an extra £100 to the original amount is a chunky increase, and your strop is pretty bratty once you factor in the cost of an abroad wedding on your guests.

Honestly I will never understand the entitlement of hen parties. Someone chooses to get married (a very personal thing) and then expects everyone else to fork out £££££ and take annual leave/travel to 'celebrate' that they were able to find a partner? And then, complain to internet strangers when people cant afford it or don't want to.

It boggles my mind!

they obviously felt they HAD to agree originally!! No one wants to upset a bridezilla.

Holy shit - all too much too complicated too expensive - no matter how much they earn. The number of attendees (approx 15?) for a holiday is a massive undertaking to book/organise/sort out. I’d just cancel it and go to this beach place with your fiancé instead. Just do a UK hen (or no hen at all).

It’s way out of hand and a headache for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. I did no hen, no engagement ring, tiny wedding in reg office. No regrets 25 years later.