Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

The cost has either stayed the same or its increased.

They can't make increased costs work.

Sounds like the costs are becoming silly. What's wrong with a nice spa day in Britain?

I am finding that life gets more expensive exponentially these days. Sometimes it feels like it gets more expensive week to week.

An overseas wedding and an abroad hen do are luxuries these days, even on a high salary.

I think it's unreasonable to have an abroad wedding and hen do. It's also completely unreasonable for you to comment on your friends spending power based on how much you think they earn. Who cares what they earn? If they don't want to direct that money on an abroad hen do (when there's already an abroad wedding I'm not surprised!) ...why does it matter that one of your friends bought an expensive car? That's irrelevant.
You're not unreasonable to be upset that you thought they were going and now they aren't, and they should have reached out directly to you.

Oh god…. Social media can really make something look so much better than it actually is. Jeeesus, just seeing the queue made me wish lockdown was back!

You say costs haven’t gone up, but because of people dropping out, costs are going up for everyone else because costs are split between fewer people.

So maybe one dropped out (you don’t know what they might now need to pay for - maybe pregnant and not wanting to tell anyone yet and saving for their child, maybe paying for IVF, maybe unwell and paying for private treatment, maybe wanting to pay for a big holiday for themselves that they get to choose - the point is you don’t know) and then others quickly realised that meant to costs were going to go up so also got their drop out notice in asap so they wouldn’t get stuck with a higher bill.

I think the reason people have got their backs up on this thread is because of the idea that not coming to a very expensive hen do means being uninvited from the wedding. By all means let them know that if money is tight they can rescind the invitation, but don’t just kick them off the guest list without understanding exactly what has happened unless you genuinely want to end the friendships.

I actually had a similar scenario

Brides MOH were high earners and they suggested a weekend in a house in the cotswolds, + activities + food + drinks + brides share.

Ended up being about 600 quid for a weekend. One person immediately said no and was actually quite clear that this level of spend could just be used better elsewhere in their life, and this was followed by others.

MOH went back to the drawing board and when bride eventually got wind of this she was mortified it had even been proposed.

Ended up being a gathering in MOH house, and was lovely

@Iceandfire92 I agree.

People should only have a destination event if they are genuinely wealthy and can afford to pay all travel, food, accommodation and entertainment costs, for everyone attending. Guests pay for their special outfit, and a gift. Anything else is just tacky, pretending to be someone they're not.

OP, have you actually added up all the costs you are asking however many others to incur over these multiple events? That you expect them collectively to pay to subsidise your vision of what your wedding should be? What is this total, that you feel so entitled to?

Are you able and would you be happy to spend that total amount for all these supposed loved ones to attend your wedding events at no cost to them? If so, take on payment yourself, that would be the classy thing to do. If not, stop whining, and learn some grace, before you have no friends left and a divorce behind you.

But they are still having to spend that extra money, reasonable deal or not 🤦‍♀️

I wonder if you paid your own way (for your own holiday) if it would take some pressure off your friends and they might be able to go?

Is ‘tradition’ more important than ‘friends’?

Maybe it's not the cost at all. Maybe they would rather just not go.

Very interested to know the answer to this myself

It's a lot of money to spend just to take turns holding the bride's hair back while she throws up everywhere...

The last Hen do I went to felt like Paramedic training as the bride got so out of it. It was like spending the evening babysitting Amy Winehouse in Camden on a Friday night. It's been ages since I last put someone into the recovery position...

I would always account for a few drop outs - people say yes to things then given time to think pull out when they add up the cost. It's irrelevant wether they have new cars, don't have kids people will spend their time and money where they want to. I've attended 2 weddings this year already and if invited to any other hens/weddings I would want to decline as I've already spent so many weekends and money this year already!

Wow. I’m so glad I got married In 1983 when Hen do’s weren’t a ‘thing’.
I hate them. Always have done but usually as the only non drinker, I’m the taxi. maybe if brides just concentrated on the wedding, and the significance of it, an expensive piss up isn’t that important.

JMI but this sort of thread screams immaturity and it’s not a nice trait.

It's a pain, but they initially indicated that they wanted to go, now that the price is finalised they have decided not to. At least they didn't wait until it was booked and then change their minds (as we've seen people do many times on here). Just cancel it. You've got another hen do in this country, you don't need two. You could either expand the UK do and invite them to that, or leave it. Just tell them that you understand, and your really appreciate them coming to the wedding.

OP, the hard truth is that in a friendship group, the first weddings and babies are more exciting than those that follow. It may not be fair but I can imagine there was lots of enthusiasm for the first abroad weddings and hens. That will have tailed off, Especially with the change in the world’s finances and security.

And ultimately you need to take a step back. Your wedding is the most important thing in your world right now and that’s fine. But it really is not aa important to your friend group. I’m sure they will love to come but they’re not thinking about every detail every day like you are. That’s just normal.

Because everyone gets swept up in it. Then they realise that they either can't afford it, or use up their holidays, or pet care or a whole host of other reasons. You say one has just bought a new car. Perhaps their disposable income has been reduced as a result. Op you are being very unreasonable. I actually hate hen dos, i have the money but I would rather spend that money on a holiday if my choice doing what I want to do I have gone along (mostly) to weekend hen dos but it's getting out of hand

Yes, when traditionally they were lower key. Perhaps you should absorb some costs, or do something closer to home. Taking 2 trips for someone's wedding is a lot.

This! So much, this.
Honestly, if they are your good friends, and I assume they are, if they were part of your Hen do, then don't exclude them from the wedding and fall out with them forever.
I'm 66 years old and an old school friend died earlier today. It's been a day of thinking about how important and precious friendship is. It's so much more than falling out about such an issue.
You're entitled to feel disappointed that your ideal plan isn't going to happen, but be flexible and proactive about finding a way forward which works for everyone and where you can all celebrate your upcoming wedding together. A Hen do is essentially about celebrating your friendships. Don't throw them away.

If you aren't in the group chat, and have no idea how much the minimum spend is then how are you sure the amount originally agreed is pretty much what they are bring asked to pay now?

Also, even if it's £50pp for the beds, how expensive will it actually be to spend a full day there? I've never been to a beach club where I haven't spent at least £100 so can easily see how this would push the cost past what people were originally comfortable with.

I recently went to an incredibly shitty abroad hen do that was extremely expensive and regret ever going, i'm now not going to the real wedding after the bride was a nightmare for the entire trip, was sulky about people who cancelled on her abroad hen do, and took it out on all the other attendees. If you choose to have a hen do abroad you have to accept that not everyone will end up wanting to go. They will like the idea of going, until they are asked to pay, and then realise how expensive it is, add on the cost of going to the wedding, the time off work etc, and will change their minds. Stop, take a breath, and think about how your reaction will cause the ending of multiple friendships. A wedding is just one day, a hen do is just one weekend. None of it is worth this, especially if you are having a home one.

If 5 of your closest friends, who regularly do hen dos, have all pulled out en-masse then there's something going on.

How much are the beach beds that have been added on?

I've pulled out of a hen do next month as the add on "just £20 each for this" and "just £15 each for that" have started to really stack up and it's beyond what I'm prepared to spend.

It doesn't really matter if they have good jobs, or someone has brought a nice new car. I suspect it's about priorities. I know, I've looked at the price of hen dos I've been invited to and then, even though I could easily afford them, just thought what a waste of money. I compare that expense to something I could buy, or a trip I could take with my partner that quite honestly I'd enjoy more, and decline.

This!! It’s not hard to grasp.

I’m on the OP’s side. I had a UK hen do, have been on abroad ones. If I can’t afford it I don’t go.. but I make that decision at the start, not when I’ve been fully aware of the costs! Happens all the time with stuff like this.