Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

You're taking the piss. You act like "just" another £50 on top of all the other costs is nothing. You don't get to judge or decide how your friends spend their money.

You mention "tradition" in terms of your friends paying for you - a traditional hen do would be one night out in the local town. Covering those costs is one thing, paying to indulge your princess fantasies is quite another. You don't get to pick and choose when tradition applies.

I‘m reeling from that - seriously the Hen doesn’t pay for herself?
I’ve never come across that before ever!
been to
a baby shower where cost of mums cream tea (bout 25 quid) was divvied between everyone else attending -15/16 people

but a free holiday ???
no wonder they’re all at it - cheeky buggers, I’d not have the front !

So OP is seriously pissed she potentially won’t be getting a free hen do abroad at the expense of her high earner ‘friends’, and instead will have to settle for a free meal and drinks in the local Wetherspoons 😢

Ibiza??

The beach club "you're keen to try" is 100% O Beach ;)

See you on the insta sat on Wayne Linekers knee OP

Bridezilla entitlement nonsense. You sound awful, OP. And this whole industry now around insane hen-dos abroad is equally awful. Mine involved half a dozen of us in the pub and for a meal. And I put a couple of hundred quid on the kitty myself since they were coming out for me and were already paying far too much for my (UK based) wedding that involved travel, a hotel, a present and then giving up at least a day if not a whole weekend.

People now also have baby showers, bloody gender reveal parties and all that shit. It’s self-absorbed social-media-fuelled nonsense and nobody is ever made one iota happier by any of it.

Because they wanted to please you and now they've thought about the impact on their time.

You are asking and expecting too much op. The wedding's abroad, organsie a nice dinner for your friends following an afternoon doing something nice together.

Perhaps they got carried along when it was all first suggested & now it's crunch time they have decided that that is not what they want to spend their time/money on.

How many would still be going-enough to still have a great time?

I've been married twice & paid for the hens both times.

I personally don't understand the need to go abroad for a hen or stag do. Yes, I'm sure it's lovely, but it's not a necessity. You could plan a weekend away here in the UK or day/evening events instead. People sometimes agree to things in excitement or on the spur of the moment, without thinking things through properly. You don't know individual circumstances, and these can and do change over time. It may be that costs have spiraled, and now the trip is beyond their budgets. Everyone has budgets, and even £50 extra might to too much. A hen do, isn't worth getting yourself into debt over. I understand you wanted the details to be a surprise as your best friend is organising the event, but actually you needed to have some input, because now several have dropped out. Yes, I agree all those dropping out should have told you in person, or at the very least messaged you. Being a wedding guest, especially when you're invited on the hen/stag do, gets expensive. Surely your friends attending your wedding is more important than your hen do??! After all being in attendance whilst you make your vows to your other half is the main event, not the hen do!!

I suspect your friends probably agreed initially, partly because they assumed it would be affordable, and partly because it's difficult to say no to these things.

Now they've had time to fully digest the costs, I wouldn't be surprised if they have concluded that it's really too much money to spend.

I know you keep saying that they aren't struggling financially, but that's a big assumption to make.

Both your wedding and hen do are abroad. So with flights and accomodation, outfits etc, I'm guessing it's coming to around £1.5-2k each. Possibly more? Would be interesting to get some figures but I suspect you know that if you shared this information you would get a lot more flack.

It's a lot of money that could go to something more meaningful for your friends, such as an individual holiday, or yes, even a new car. You have to remember that your wedding is only important to you, not your friends, and you're asking A LOT of them.

The Cost of Living Crisis!

People can no longer afford to burn money on such expensive frivolities. Scale back and reset it at Bournemouth Beach Club. Rent a wooden beach hut off air BnB or rent a tent (sleeps 6). Ditch the flights (better for the planet) and get a National Express £5 coach ticket...

This is very me, me, me. Obviously as the bride you have every right to decide where you want a hen do but if others aren’t as invested emotionally and financially then that’s their prerogative, I think expensive hen dos abroad are absurd and unnecessary and performative, it’s a bit of a sheep mentality IMO, just follow a trend, go there on honeymoon, why pressure everyone else to fit in with what you want?

But where are most of your friends and family?

In the UK, or near where the wedding is?

If the beach club is the issue, why not just ditch the beach club? If everyone was on board before this (presumably they’d need to buy drinks on top of the £50) then it seems very straightforward to go back to plan A.

Agree with others they were probably expecting a hired villa and chilled time eating around local restaurants. Not clubs with hired beds with minimum spends.

Also sorry to be that person but as people settle down mostly they tend to be less club more chill. Less linikers bar, foam parties and more cocktails with friends.

It's one thing paying a bit to cover someone's dinner, even in a fancy restaurant, but surely that can't be the case for an entire bank holiday weekend in a foreign country? That's going to be at least £1k each - more if it's Ibiza, which is really expensive.

My kinda hen do tbh lol

With all due respect, do you know these 'high earners' outgoings? Bills? Upcoming and unplanned expenses?

you sound incredibly out of touch.

I think this hits the nail on the head, @Dayna87 It's not about friends going "behind your back". Or friends prioritising other things over your hen (although any sensible person surely would prioritise a flash car over a few expensive days away). I should imagine that your friends would be incredibly upset if they knew that you were actually considering cutting them from the actual wedding. That means your friendship is conditional, and your conditions are difficult to obtain. When all of this is sorted maybe you need to rethink who really is or isn't your friend, because these transactional relationships shouldn't be considered friendships, IMO.

You should suggest that if there were no impetus to pay for you at all OP would it change things

You have suggested that right? Given their presence is the most important thing

Curry and pint with a wee bit of dodgy karaoke 🎤

Cut to the chase and quit with the ‘with the minimum’ spend fudging, how much are the tickets and sunbed booking and how much is the hen do in total?

Your wedding isn’t more important than their savings.

Sorry, I haven't gotten past the first page so things may have developed since, but sorry what the actual fuck? Two hen dos? Tantrums because you want even more expense at the abroad one and cutting people off from the wedding if they won't cough up?

Is your name Verucca Salt, OP?

I’m sensing a lot of main character energy here. You are asking people to shell out for two expensive trips abroad as well as a weekend at home. By the time they have added in outfits, meals, drinks, and transfers they’re not going to get a lot of change from £2k per household and that’s without the annual leave they’ll have to take plus three weekends focusing on your wedding. A £95 beach club extravaganza was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.

In the OP’s favour: they had already agreed on the basis of a cost that’s largely stayed the same; they are high earners; it’s the done thing in her circle; 2 that pulled had hen dos abroad; they’ve pulled out at a difficult time.

OP, they can afford it but you’re not important enough to them for this outlay, so they want to out their money elsewhere. I wouldn’t uninvite them, but knowledge is power. You now know where you are with them.