Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Fancy costly hen do
Baby showers.
It has got ridiculous.

Yes it is, big time!

Sounds a good solution.

one of them posted a photo of their brand new flash car the other day and the other has had a promotion recently.

It's absolutely OK for people to make decisions about their financial priorities. I certainly wouldn't prioritise an expensive overseas trip for a hen do over things for my own life/family.

Everyone has felt the cost of living increases...
You sound delusional. Nobody else cares about your wedding as much as you do. You can't try and dictate how much money people spend on it. You're not being a good friend.

But it’s all the additional costs like oh on night one tou need to wear this, during the beach club you need to wear black swim suits, night 2 you need to wear this. Then we are paying for everything for the bride (I know my ex never contributed towards the stag costs on his flights hotels etc, probably some drinks and a meal) maybe cover some of the costs yourself?? Help take the pressure off. Peoples circumstances change…I struggled with my friends hen as me and my partner split up when I agreed to it we hadn’t for example, so to pay the rest of the money was an absolute pain in arse and then I had to have a variety of different outfits each day

Yes, are you sure there aren’t other costs you’re not aware of? You asking for this beach club (which I still think is taking the piss if you’re expecting people to pay for you) might come after the planner has mentioned a theme night, costumes, can someone get some props, can someone else get decorations, etc etc. The beach club might have been the last straw.

Were their weddings also abroad?

I would never go to an abroad hen if your wedding is also abroad. This is so unreasonable. It’s time, flights, costs, effort.

Nobody cares about you getting married like you do. I was happy for my friends but didn’t care very much. I would no way have flown abroad for the wedding and a very expensive Ibiza hen.

Sorry, haven’t read the whole thing but OP, the people who attend the Hen cover all your flight and accommodation costs too?
And then are there flights and hotels required for your wedding as well?

It sounds like they have had second thoughts, whilst the beach club itself might be a small percentage of the cost, this was just the final straw and made them realise they cannot afford it. If you are having a U.K. weekend as well that’s a huge price commitment.

When I got married back in the dark ages Hen night was a few drinks down the pub.

Our guests on the day of the wedding had to pay for their travel to the UK town where I was born, new outfit if they had bought it, drinks after the tab behind the bar had gone and a present for us. I don't think anyway stayed overnight in a hotel. Pretty cheap.

You are now expecting people to cough up for two trips abroad. You may not be expecting it but I think the person organising the Hen is expecting them to pay for your accommodation. New outfits (maybe more depending on how long for each event) and you've chosen a Bank Holiday when it's even more expensive.

Yeah I'd be a bit nonplussed at that expenditure.

At the risk of sounding like an old gimmer, when did hen and stag parties become holidays?
When I got married and all my friends got married, a hen do was a night out.
At mine we went for a meal and then to a night club. We all stayed at one friend's house. It was brilliant fun and nobody was forking out hundreds.

Going to a wedding costs a lot once you've factored in tavel, accommodation, an outfit and a gift plus drinks if it's a cash bar.
Expecting people to pay out to go abroad too is crackers!

However, the friends who are pulling out are high earners and to be honest, haven’t exactly felt the impact of the cost of living crisis.

You have NO idea how they may or may not have been affected, wandering around in your me, me, me bubble! Just because they don't share with you doesn't mean that one may not be facing redundancy, one may have some huge unexpected expenses for health/home/whatever, one may have three other equally expensive hen dos to attend, one may be getting engaged and planning a wedding herself - all things which may have arisen since they agreed to your hen. It's also easy to agree/get "guilted" into accepting an invite to a hen and justifying the cost, only to then have extra expense like the beach club thrown in. That was probably the last straw. If the accommodation hasn't even been firmed up yet, this hen is obviously not happening soon so they have probably now realised that there is plenty of time for you to decide that you also really, really want a sunset cruise, champagne brunch, horse ride on the beach or whatever else added in too - because after all, each thing is only a bit extra!

Apart from the £50pp beds at the beach club plus unspecified minimum spend.

Weddings are expensive enough to attend without a foreign hen do. There is a cost of living crisis. Mortgages and rents are rising, but pay is not. Scale back your expectations and aim for something your friends can afford to attend. It’s meant to be a bit of lighthearted fun, not a headache.

Forget the cost, I’d be bored to death after all that. I’m not surprised people can’t be bothered with it all.

If the OP wants all of these abroad events to honour her nuptials, why on earth can't she pay for the others to attend herself?! So horrendously tacky and presumptuous. The beach club was the straw that broke the camel's back. We all know how expensive beach clubs with minimum spends can be; usually a single drink costs €50, if you spend the day there it can easily be hundreds per person.

Home Hen - Financed by Mum & Dad
Away Hen - Financed by Friends
Wedding - Financed by in-laws/parents

Yet you're moaning that no one wants to spend money on your trip

OP - come on now, you can;t be serious

As you can see from the amount of people pulling out it's simply too much to spend.

You are expecting people to pay for a destination wedding plus a hen do abroad and cover your costs of the hen.

It's extraordinary that you can't see why people are now backing out.

The fact that you are having an abroad wedding and asking guests to travel and pay for this is one thing, then to ask them to travel and pay for a hen do plus cover your costs is just waaaaay over the top.

I’d also be so bored. Glad my friends had lovely simple hens and weddings. Nobody cares about your marriage or wedding as much as you do. It’s something a lot of Brides need to remember.

There’s always so many posts on here from women who feel pressured into expensive hen dos they can’t really afford but don’t want to let the bride down or fear that the bride will be unreasonable about it (your case). Learn from them.

I would just have one hen do in the Uk that everyone can afford if it were me.

It is, but they are fun!!

If you were looking at a villa and how that is too expensive do consider aparthotels - especially the vibra hotels. You get a small kitchenette and they absolutely suitable for Hen parties. You won’t necessarily get the insta pics, but you can find those anywhere - it is Ibiza after all.

Hotel Jabeque for Playa d’en bossa. You can walk to Figueratas which is great and you can get a boat to Ibiza town. And it’s just walkable to Playa D’en Bossa.

There’s others in San Antonio obvs, but it’s not my favourite, but you can get cabs everywhere really easily so don’t feel you have to stay in San Antonio.

Cala d’bou is really close to San Antonio and much cheaper.

Also… the beach clubs… can sometimes be a pile of rubbish. Some can just trade off of the insta shots. It is just as beautiful to go to the wonderful beaches near the beach clubs and save the money for Ushuaia.

Let me know if you haven’t been before and need some pointers.

Says who???

You're expecting your friends to pay for you to go to fucking ibiza?????😲😲😲😲😲

I am absolutely gobsmacked at your brassneck!

I've just googled the cost of beds at a beach club in ibiza and it can cost up to 2700 euros!!!!! 😲😲😲😲😲

Wtf!????

I think you should ask her if you can read the group chat to check whether there has been some falling out amongst them. That's a lot of people to drop out and if, as you say, the cost hasn't changed much then there must be another reason.

I would do that before spending a lot of time looking at ways of reducing cost as it might just be that those people don't want to go away with her regardless. Check that she hasn't upset anyone first.

Seriously.
Selectively reciending invites to your wedding of your friends based on financial calculations. Not 'letting' a friend be a bridesmaid as a punishment for not spending the same money as you.
Do you realise how seriously weird this reads to the majority of the population.