Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

And people weren’t also having the actual wedding abroad

It’s a lot to ask if they are already travelling for the wedding.

Also, you don’t know their personal situations. Maybe the flashy car has pushed their cash flow. Maybe the promotion needs a little more focus than a hectic weekend will allow. You say these girls are already married… maybe they are pregnant and don’t want to say it yet.

Also, you aren’t on the group chat. Maybe bridesmaid has got a little pushy and made other requests that you don’t know about and maybe that has upset them.

Either way, I am sure they agree it’s a shame it didn’t work out. And the cost of flights probably has gone up if it’s happening this spring or summer!

Or if it’s Ibiza they have found out how much drinks cost and decided it’s probably gonna break them!!! It’s not a cheap place to party!

You CANNOT tell them how to spend.

They may also have expenditures you have zero idea about. Maybe they’re saving. It’s not your place to judge.

But it might not be that they can't spend that much on your hen, it could be that they simply don't want to.

I am lucky to have a good amount of disposable income, no children, buy things as I want them etc. I would still have a limit to what I would pay for a friend's hen do if the costs were ridiculous.

Their finances are none of your business.

We aren’t planning any superclubs etc, I know even a water is insane prices in them!

It's still not up to you to dictate how they spend their time and money.

I have a good income and lots in savings, I still don't want to spend £££ going to someone else's (TWO) choices of destination/their time of choosing/their activities.

And if they don’t want to then fair enough. But why agree originally?

So the cost hasn’t changed since they agree and they’re high earners who can afford it - it sounds like something else has made them all decide not to go.

I would speak to them and see if you can get to the bottom of it.

Just because they are high earners and have money doesn’t mean they want to spend said money on your hen do

I’m a pretty high earner but I’m still fussy about what I spend my money on and what it goes towards

But that's still more than one hen do!

I wouldn’t go to an abroad hen now I have young children and that money could be for a family holiday. I was happy to do it when younger and childfree. I know that may make me sound selfish. But priorities change. COL has also hugely gone up.

Id ask to attend your UK one. If you then fell out with me and uninvited me from your wedding I would back all the way off.

People's circumstances change.

Maybe they were willing to spend it then, but now the costs have gone up (and no matter how you try and explain it, with the beach club, they HAVE gone up) they aren't.

Or maybe something else has come up in their life that they need to spend the money on.

Or maybe other costs are spiralling on the group- you admit you haven't seen the group- and they no longer want to attend.

Well, to be fair they agreed to X amount and then you and this planner started adding in extra costs.

I think it's fine to add things in but it's fine for them to decide they don't want to pay more than originally discussed. Surely you can see that?

I have news for you, you sound as though you don't actually care, which is worse. If this isn't trolling then it's one of the most selfish, entitled threads I have ever read on here.

When they agreed originally maybe the cost was at the top of their budget for what they wanted to spend on it and the beach club put it over the edge

People are allowed to change their minds. It's really important that you understand this, because the person you are marrying can also change their mind. As can you. It's a fundamental principle of consent.

Because now beach clubs and things are being added on.

what started as “oooh let’s get the Big Mac” has now become “let’s get the wagyu steak”

Also, only you know if anything else has changed - maybe the bridezilla has emerged more in conversations with them, maybe since they initially agreed there wasn’t a UK hen or was a UK wedding

Maybe they didn’t agree originally. Maybe they made “mmmhhhmm” noises and you interpreted that as signed on the dotted line

They may be high earners but you still have NO IDEA about their outgoings or fiancial commitments....

How much is the hen do abroad?

I mean, I think the 'tradition' that the hens cover the brides for her meal out, some drinks and a massage or whatever- not the entire cost of a hotel room, beach club, flights and drinks/meals etc! That's taking the piss.

So you are expecting your friends to cover all your expenses for two hen nights, one abroad, plus go to a destination wedding abroad?
Deary me OP, presumptuous doesn’t begin to describe it!

Hard agree with this.

Maybe OP, it’s not about their income. Maybe they’re saving don’t want to go because it’s tacky AF and you’re really not coming across as a gracious person 95% of people on this thread would want to spend time with. Please self reflect

Don't forget the UK do upon return!

Wow you sound like an awful friend.

How about asking your MOH to plan something less expensive so that all your friends can celebrate with you rather that just those who can afford it.