Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

OK so I think that the 5 hens who have pulled out of the overseas hen do when there's no price increase are wrong and unkind

I think that they might not like you as much as you think they do

I'd be inclined to let it go until after the honeymoon and then, slowly, ease them out of your life

Enjoy your hen doos and wedding 🥰

You can’t uninvite them from the wedding because they can’t afford your expensive hen trip. That’s ridiculous.

I’m neither a boomer nor a gen x and have got lucky with buying a lovely house with no parental deposit but even I can see bloomers had it much easier than gen x.

I agree, we must be being trolled!

If the OP was a real person, she wouldn’t have any friends! Or else she won’t have many left after this year 🤣

Gosh you sound like an absolute nightmare, all this commercialism nowadays is ridiculous!

Are we sure there aren't other threads about this wedding, started by guests?

None are self-employed. It has been scheduled around a bank holiday weekend so that only one day’s annual leave would be needed.

I reckon this "tradition" harks back to the days when hen doos were relatively inexpensive, such as a meal out or some sort of activity, now people can't afford the stupid prices of hen doos abroad...

The amount of money people are expected to shell out for these things is batshit

If it's around a Bank Holiday then flights will be at a premium. I know you say that money isn't the issue but as many other people have said, you have no idea about peoples' finances.

OP you are simply asking too much of your friends. Rethink your plans, keep it simple and focus on the company of your friends. Friends are way more important than fancy hen dos etc; do not uninvite them from your wedding.

The op says the price has NOT gone up

I fail to see the point of asking if you're being unreasonable, getting an almost unanimous response that you are, and then blithely ignoring it without even a slither of self awareness. The OP doesn't want to know if she's being unreasonable, because she doesn't think she is, she wants people to tell her that her friends are horrible and that she should definitely uninvite them for not supporting her completely unreasonable demands. She asked, and she has been answered, I can't help it if she or you don't like that.

Stop being such a bridezilla it’s just a hen do it’s really not that big of a deal if they don’t come I didn’t even have a hen do the wedding is more important than a holiday with your friends before hand.

How much is too much cash for your friends and family to throw at celebrating one day where you and your fiance sign a legal document? To the point they are in their overdrafts, perhaps at the point they can't afford a family holiday? In my opinion it's incredibly egocentric to expect others to spend thousands, forgo their precious annual leave that could be spent with their partners/families and do exactly what YOU want the entire time. When they are already most likely spending a fortune on your wedding including most likely a generous cash gift for you.
It is not a necessity to have a hen do abroad where your friends are required to run around after you bowing unto your demands, buy ridiculous matching outfits and expecting them to cough up. It is also not a requirement to have TWO hen events. Our country is in financial dire straits, most people are struggling to get by and you think it is okay to treat people like this because they can't afford your unnecessary vanity show. I'm sorry to be harsh but you sound like a petulant brat. Please consider how much these things actually cost people, it is not all about you!

OP, sometimes it just takes one person voicing their worries to cause a bit of a critical mass. I can easily imagine people agreeing to this without really thinking it through, feeling a bit concerned about the cost but not thinking they could say anything if everyone else was OK, and then the additional cost tipping just one person into saying they couldn't make this work, which in turn made others say the same.

I'm well past the point of hen dos but I do know that everything in my life feels more expensive and it's hard work. We can't afford a family holiday this year for the first time ever. Maybe it all does feel a bit too much, especially if they have paid for flights and accommodation for the wedding already. I bet they feel awful about letting you down.

So, OP - you said in your first post that "The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit."

But now you're saying you don't actually know how much extra the beach club idea will cost (and bear in mind part of YOUR entry cost is added on to each other person's costs).

Therefore, you don't actually know if the beach club adds "an extra little bit" or an extra 'quite a lot', do you? You also don't know whether the person organising it all (and you aren't party to the chat group precisely so they can agree to do things as surprises) has added other stuff that costs.

BTW - having a destination wedding when family members can't attend because they cannot fly is awful. You cut them from the guest list from the start.

My partner has family abroad who can’t fly either so our hands are tied in that respect.

Just so I understand this correctly, you are having two hens and two wedding parties?

I notice you have not responded to any of the very reasonable comments people have made about why this may have come about. All you are doing is doubling down saying that your friends can afford it and belittling any concerns people might have about money. There has not been one iota of reflection here or thinking, hmm, that's a good point about extra costs. You just want everyone to agree with you so not sure why you are still posting.

They have a budget- it doesn't not stretch to your 'wants' and at least they've thought and said they can't afford it properly before booking rather than later down the line cancelling. Your being abit of a nightmare. Step back , reassess , go somewhere more affordable and low key for hen to ' include' you know those friends who you hold so dear to you?! Rather than exclude them . Honestly OP give you head a wobble

Maybe people don't like the date, location and activities of not just one, but two weekends away AND a holiday for the destination wedding...and ANOTHER event upon return to the UK.

People have limited annual leave regardless of finances, and also don't want to spend an entire month celebrating something that doesn't really mean that much outside of yourself, husband and immediate family.

I don’t want to sound out of touch and I do appreciate the costs of things have gone up. However, the friends who are pulling out are high earners and to be honest, haven’t exactly felt the impact of the cost of living crisis.

But you definitely do not know how much the "little bit" extra for the beach club is?

In my experience it’s more of a thing when it’s a smaller hen.
I’ve never been on one abroad but DH has been on two abroad stag dos, and they absolutely did not cover all the grooms’ costs. I think for both they covered his meal at the nice place they went to for dinner. Expecting people to cover flights, accommodation, and all activities is taking the piss imo, especially if you’re the one insisting on going abroad and doing various activities. Not only is it a lot to cover, it’s on top of them already spending a lot. For a smaller hen do, the individual costs are less, and the split of the bride’s cost is less.

But that's not your call/decision to make.