Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

So you don't even know how much extra is it now? 🤨 Yet you're online calling your friends out behind their backs?

I bet your friends would be glad to be uninvited from your wedding.

Not really - that’s traditionally how these things work.

I can remember the days when the hen do was a pub crawl the NIGHT BEFORE the wedding!

The original OP said "The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit." but now OP apparently doesn't know what the costs even are.

Either she's judging her friends quite harshly without all the facts, or knows full well what the extra costs are but won't say (presumably because it's loads).

OP this is not going to end well for you.

UK hen
Abroad hen
Abroad wedding
UK celebration

It's all totally OTT.

YABVU to expect people to go abroad twice for your wedding. I would never do both and I don't know many people who would, especially with everything being so expensive these days.

If your friends are already paying for flights to your wedding it’s very cheeky to also expect them to pay for flights to your hen do……why have you not considered this?

A hen night abroad, a staycation hen night for two nights and an abroad wedding is a lot. The fact that five of them have pulled out is very telling. Weddings are so over the top now it's ridiculous. No one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are tbh

So you're having a hens in the UK, one abroad, and then the wedding abroad? Wtf is all this? You don't think you're being a bridezilla? Whatever happened to having a night out on the town? I said night. Not weekend. Or week. And why not have the wedding in the UK and go to the place with the relatives abroad for the honeymoon? TWO hens nights is taking the piss far worse than any wedding story I have ever read on this site. You'll got a real cheek. Just be like a normal person and have a night out on the town. All this rubbish is nonsense and really is a bad look. Your poor friends. Apologise to them.

In one defence of the OP, I've never been on a hen where we haven't all chipped in for the bride's share.

I've never been on an abroad one though...

I reckon it's loads extra.

It isn't. It happens sometimes that invitees might choose to cover part of the bride's cost. You shouldn't be assuming it. Especially when you've already whacked the expectations of it sky-high by it being a whole palaver going abroad.

You have plenty of options. You can go for a nice meal and a night out with very little notice and with that being far more accessible to more people.

All the costs of flights hotel, food, drink activities etc?
is that the norm now?

Sorry, you are not seriously also expecting these poor saps to pay your way on the overseas hen? And it's not remotely how these things work! I paid for my own everything on my hen do as I am not a grabby so and so.

I have suggested to @mnhq that they should start a 'Please Tell Me What I Want To Hear' category as well as AIBU, because the amount of people that post on AIBU that actually don't really want to be told they're being unreasonable is ridiculous.

Are we being trolled? Surely we are.

There is nothing traditional about an abroad hen or wedding.

This is a lot to ask of anyone, the time, the money all for one wedding? Once u have been to one wedding u have been to them all. I was first married and by the final wedding of friends was so glad that I don’t need to go to anymore!

Outfits, drinks make for an expensive day nevermind factoring in flights, accommodation, pet care and anything else.

@Limprichteabiscuit no wonder so many brides to be suggest a nice little free holiday for themselves. It may be considered ‘what you do’personally I think it’s right cheek

Just because it's so called "tradition" it does not mean you have to blindly folllow, I don't blame them for dropping out, it was going to cost them a fucking fortune

Touché lol

I agree that I think the woman organising it has messed up somehow. Wonder if you'll get to the bottom of it.

I know from previous experience that overbearing or unpleasant organisers put people off going to these things as they think "oh fuck, I don't want to spend a few days and £x going away with her"!

I am totally speculating obviously and maybe she's absolutely lovely and there's something else going on here.

But I would not uninvite anyone from your wedding without at least finding out why they cancelled. You don't know what's gone on as you aren't in the group chat.

Agree with the concensus though that destination weddings and hens / stags which last days and usually cost a lot of money are a bit too much and I don't like them. But since these hens also had hen do abroad and since they agreed to go with you in the first place, then I don't really see why they're suddenly pulling out for no reason.

Something has happened behind your back - whose fault that is, you don't know

What do you want OP to do, bow down to you and tell you you’re right?

She’s been unfailingly polite to every poster despite some horrible posts, so maybe give her a break, hmm?

People's circumstances and finances change. What might have sounded OK in the abstract is not OK when reality hits.

No one is owed a hen do. Let alone a costly one. If you really want a heartfelt pre-wedding gathering with your friends, host one somewhere convenient for them and foot the bill. If you want a beach vacation, book it and pay for it yourself.

Anyone who disinvites supposed friends because they can't or choose not to squander money, annual leave, energy and time for a silly hen do is a jackass.

That's a great point actually, what on earth is happening for the honeymoon?? 😳😂It must be at least a trip to outer space or something, and maybe people are expected to pay for that too!

Traditionally the bride knows nothing about the hen party arrangements and I think it is better that way - people are free to say what they can afford to do without causing offence.

Also think about people having to take time off work to attend. If anyone is self employed it sounds like they would lose two or three days work minimum to attend both events. As well as paying for everything too. No chance.